Hi All, Yes another Di/Nikki pairing songfic. I have to say I do not own the Bill or anything else at all related to this pairing or anything you recognise. Also if a scene seems familiar to a scene from 'Imagine Me and You' It is totally coincidental, I only recognised the vague connection after it had been written and the scene wouldn't be written any other way. So to everyone involved with Imagine me and You, I am not trying to steal anything. Why would I want to – it is an awesome movie that I love dearly. P.S Readers, you really should check it out. Okay love you all, and love you with chocolate if you review
Please welcome our next act, Sgt Nikki Wright with Hallelujah." I hear Smithy say to the crowd. Taking a deep breath I walk on stage and sit at the piano. I dare to look around the crowd and spot Doug standing there, in that moment I see Diane walk up next to him.
I look back to the piano and let my hands do what they know. As I start, I relax ever so slightly. This is just a song; Well that is what everyone thinks anyway.
I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this the forth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
As I sing the thoughts wash across my brain without consent. We had hoped that my move to Sun Hill would help our marriage. It had been failing for a while, but we were trying to salvage it. The move that we thought would save us hadn't helped, if anything it made it worse. We no longer knew what the other person had gone through at work, and by the time we got home, we didn't want to talk about it. We slowly but surely drifted even further apart.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Well, your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
I had been trying for months to maintain our marriage, to tell myself that we were not falling apart. Yet the persistent niggle that whispered to me, telling me it was over never let go, it only got stronger.
I had never seen Diane as anything other than a colleague, she wasn't a friend, and we never quite saw eye to eye when it came to work matters. To me she was an ice queen, a bitch and a hard, indifferent person. But that day changed it all; as I opened the locker room quietly I saw her crying. I had been on the scene earlier in the day as the young girl had died in Diane's arms. Afterwards, when we had been going back to the station she had been her normal self. She didn't want to talk about it; she acted like she always did, cold. At that moment I had almost hated her for being so cold, so seemingly uncaring. Yet here she was only an hour later crying.
It hit me then that it had been a mask and I wondered if her entire work persona was a mask. If so, what was she really like? My brain asked the question and I realised that I didn't know. I entered the changing room, as soon as she heard me she put the mask back on. It fitted so perfectly that unless I had seen her, I wouldn't have known she had just been crying.
After that day, I tried to ignore her, ignore my curiosity of Diane Noble, but my eyes always found her out. I tried to ignore the feelings, but they only got stronger. I started to notice her more often, if she wore perfume, when she left the pub, who she talked to. I was sitting at my desk late one night when it hit me. I Nikki Wright had fallen for Diane Noble. I laughed out loud at the sheer stupidness of it all. There was no way I could or would do anything about it. The feelings would go away, they had to.
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew that hallelujah
2 months later I realised how wrong I had been. How stupid I had been to think that these feelings would go away. They only got stronger, it seemed that the worse my marriage got the more I wanted Diane. I really did try to stay away from her but there was no choice. I knew I had to sort it out so that's why I ended up at her door one night. Knocking on the door before I turned and fled, I waited. As she opened the door she looked at me in suprise.
"Nikki"
"Can I come in?"
She doesn't ask why, she just lets me in.
As we sit in the kitchen with cups of tea in hand she finally speaks.
"What are you doing here Nikki?"
I look at her and take a deep breath.
"Because we have a problem"
"A problem" She asks incredulity in her voice.
"Yes a problem" I continue.
"I don't know why or how, but I've fallen for you. This can't happen, yet it has and we need to sort it out now"
She looks away for a moment and then turns back to me. Standing up she puts down her cup, picks mine up and puts it on the table. Drawing me up she kisses me. It takes only a few seconds for me to respond and the passion I feel makes me tremble. I haven't felt this in a long while
Later as were lying in her bed, I talk aloud.
"This was not how I had intended to sort this out."
She doesn't respond, but kisses me again. That's how the affair started.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Well baby, I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But, love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
From the moment I met him, I had fallen head over heels in love with Doug. For over a decade I hadn't contemplated not having him in my life. Even in the last few years when things had become difficult I hadn't stopped for a moment to consider the possibility of him not being there.
Perhaps it was to do with the kids, the vows we had taken or just that we had lived together for so long, yet until the relationship with Diane, I had never actually considered leaving him it was an impossible thought until now.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Well, there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
As I see her walk past my office I called out to her. Inspector Gold had been on my ear earlier today, to see if Diane was okay.
"Yes Sarge?"
"Can you shut the door please?" I ask as she enters.
After a minute of contemplating what I was going to say, I spoke up.
How are you going?"
"I am fine Sarge"
"Is everything okay outside of work?" As she stiffens I realise that I have said the wrong thing.
She stands up even taller and looks at me.
"Sarge, you lost the right to know about me a month ago." With that she walks out.
But, remember when I moved in you
And the Holy ghost was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
I watch her walk out and my heart breaks all over again. Yet again I question the choice I made to leave Diane to live my life with Doug. The memories of that fateful afternoon when it had all started came back to me. It had been the first time I went to her apartment; she had kissed me and led me upstairs. Well I am not quite sure who led who but we ended up on her bed. When her hand slid down past my stomach and into my body I had cried out in pleasure. Over the next hour, before I went home, I found a place that allowed me to forget the outside world, a place where everything was okay no scratch that it was great.
The following months of afternoon, evening and occasional early morning calls was an escape. An escape from Doug, the marriage, a bad day at work, any excuse would do. An excuse to justify the pleasure I found with Diane.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Well, maybe there is a God above
But, all that I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
I looked from the stage as I sang those words and saw Diane and Doug still standing there looking. Another memory came. I had had a shit day; all I wanted to do was sit with a glass of wine and forget the world. As I walked into the kitchen Doug was sitting at the counter. I could tell instantly that something was wrong.
"Doug, is everything okay?" I question.
"Are you having an affair?" his question was simple, his voice though held no fear.
I visibly felt my face whiten, I couldn't speak. The fear clutched at my heart.
"Nikki please tell me if you're having an affair?"
After what seemed an eternity my voice returned.
"No I am not Doug"
His face whitened a tad, but he continued speaking.
"But you've had an affair?"
I couldn't answer, I could only nod.
"Why Nikki, why" he almost cried out.
I took a seat opposite him.
"I wish I could tell you, but I don't know why"
"You must, you started having an affair, and one just doesn't do that without a good reason" His voice was still calm, it was a sure sign he was angry.
"I fell in love Doug, it's that simple. I fell in love with that person and I wanted them"
He looked away for a moment and his next question was so quiet that I almost missed it.
"What did I do Nikki, to push you away so much?"
"You didn't do anything. We've been drifting apart for a very long time Doug"
"Who was it?"
I closed my eyes to hopefully gain some courage, but didn't find any, I would just have to say it.
"P.C Diane Noble"
"Diane?" He looked puzzled. Yet seemed to recover.
When did you finish the affair?"
"A month ago"
"Why did you finish it, you said you loved her" he said spitting the last word out.
Suddenly I found my voice "Because you're my husband, I am married to you. We have 4 kids. I couldn't leave all that behind for Diane. I made vows 12 years ago and they were for life."
"So you have no more feelings for her then?"
I look at him and see his crumpled tired face.
"No" It's a simple lie, an easy one. Yet it has to be done.
"I want us Nikki, I am willing to try and forget this, to move on. But only if you want to as well."
I'd come this far, there was no option I had to say yes.
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
And it's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it is a broken hallelujah
I heard the gossip, it was impossible not to. Some people were saying that I had done the right or wrong thing depending on who you spoke to. Yet they didn't know the truth. I didn't have a sudden revelation as to what to do; I was forced to move out if truth be told.
After the affair coming out, I had tried to live with Doug. I had tried for four very long months. In that time I saw Diane with a new boyfriend, but I ignored the feelings of jealousy that arose. I had dealt with Doug being suspicious of my every move, of him ringing me if I wasn't home at the right time and if possible always accompanying me. I was putting up with it, I had brought it on myself, and we had the kids that we had to be happy for. It would be worse if we broke the family up, especially for the boys. That all changed though, the day I overheard Lisa talking with her best friend that I realised how much trouble we were in. This particular friend Pat had been with Lisa from the first day in grade 2. So I knew what she said was true as they told each other everything. I overheard Lisa say that she was sick of her parents arguing everyday and that it would be better if we would separate.
That night I sat down with Doug and told him it was finished.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Nikki rose to clapping without looking at the crowd she walked off the stage. To the people out there it was just a song, but to her it was a testimony to the last year.
"Hey Nikki, have a drink"
"Thanks Tone, but I have to go to the toilet."
It was an excuse, but I didn't feel bad about it. I passed an office and saw the lights were off. Back stepping I opened the door, turning the light on, I was glad to see it was empty. That song had left me close to tears. Hearing my name, I turn around grimacing as I needed to be by myself, only to come face to face with Diane.
"Diane" I could hear the questioning in my own voice.
"Do you have a moment?"
Motioning to the empty room, I let her pass, shutting the door behind her.
We sit in silence for a moment before Diane speaks up.
"Are the rumours true about you and Doug?"
I nod my head and answer the question with words as well.
"It wasn't working"
"Do you still love him?"
"No, I stopped loving him over a year ago, but he was my husband. I had a duty to him and my family" She always had the ability to get me talking, when no one else could.
"What changed?"
"The kids, I was putting them through too much, for the sake of their happiness, when it wasn't making them happy at all" She was always easy to talk to, to tell the truth.
She sits for another minute in silence.
"What about me?" She asks her voice quavering just a little.
I look away, I've done too much damage already.
"Nikki, what about me" she asks gently again, I note the slight shake in her voice.
"I still love you Diane" I say quietly, I am afraid of what she is going to say, but I needn't worry as in an instant she is kissing me.
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
A minute later we break for air. Resting my head against hers I smile for the first time in a long time. It's not going to be easy, but now holding her hand, I know I can do it.