Only a week had passed since Dean's close encounter with Alastair and he was a wreck. Of course, he was acting like everything was just peachy but Sam wasn't a fool and he could see that his brother was in pain… if he only knew why.

That day he came into the hospital room, where Dean's bed was, just in time to see Castiel disappear, leaving his brother in tears. He approached to Dean uttering soothing words but his brother seemed to be in another world.

After the scariest five minutes of Sam's life, Dean said:" Please, take me home." Sam just stared at Dean. Those words were the last thing he expected his big brave brother to say.

"Dean, you need…"

"Take me out of here, Sammy. Please." He was begging. Sam could see how broken his brother was and he wasn't able to say anything else; he just sat up, left the room and looked for a nurse to sign the discharge papers.

Then he took him to the first motel he found and let him sleep.

Tonight though, Dean was restless. He was pacing up and down the room since five minutes, which was making Sam going crazy and distracting him from his newspaper. Then suddently, Dean took the coat and turned the door knob.

"Dean where the hell are you going?"

"I need to take a walk Sam." He answered with a calm tone, like it was a natural thing to do in the middle of the night.

"Dean, it's midnight, you seriously…"

"Sammy, quit it." Sam sighed and let the stubborn man go.

For all week Dean slept barely two hours at night. There was something that was bothering him. What the hell happened to change his big brother like this? Damn, Sam thought about forcing Dean to talk to him a million times this week but he couldn't find the strength to do it. He could seen his brother pain and he could imagine that it was connected to his experience in Hell but mostly he knew that the only way to help Dean rested with Ruby and that had to remain a secret. So what was the point to make his brother face his pain if he couldn't help him to get over it?

He decided to go to bed and try to rest a little bit.

At 6 am the motel's door opened, Dean returned from his long walk.

The oldest let his body fall into bed but he didn't close his eyes because, if he would have done it, he'd have seen Hell. Hell, blood and Alastair. Alastair and his razor, and the souls Dean had tortured. He would have seen himself breaking the first seal, making a poor soul screaming and he couldn't bear it. He just couldn't. He didn't even remember who his first soul was. A pretty young girl? A sinner? An innocent like him who only made a though choice to protect his family? He had been so relieved that he was out of the rack that he hadn't paid attention. It wasn't him anymore and that was enough.

He swallowed hard in order to stop a tear for falling down his cheek.

Morning came. Thank God, or whoever was in charge up there.

"Hey, listen, I think I found a job yesterday night. Read it." Sam said as he threw the newspaper over Dean's bed. Dean lifted his back in order to reach for the newspaper and started reading without watching Sam's eyes.

Of course, the younger Winchester noticed it and noticed how pale his brother's face was. Now he was officially worried.

"Dude, are you ok?" he asked knowing he'd hardly have an honest answer.

"Yeah, Sammy. I'm golden!" Dean replied with emphasis and to prove this statement to his little brother, he suddenly got rid of the sheets and got up with an agile movement.

Unfortunately for him, he obtained the opposite result. He felt dizzy and unstable on his feet and he had to grip tight on the headboard to not fall on his knees.

"Dean, take it easy! Sit down."

"Sammy, I can do it." Dean eyes were closed and his voice was just a whisper.

"No, apparently you can't." and then Sam repeated: "Sit down."

"Dean, look at me." Dean opened his eyes but kept avoiding eye contact. "Look at me" Sam said slower this time.

Dean obeyed. His eyes were watery and red like he just cried his heart out and he was really tired… not tired, exhausted.

"Screw the job. You'll get some rest right now. No complaint."

"Since when you're so bossy, huh?" Dean chuckled.

"Since when my brother started not to sleep or eat and being grumpy all the time. I can't force you to talk to me, man, but I can force you to go back to bed and that's what I'm going to do." Sam placed a hand on Dean's chest and gently push him down.

"I can't sleep, I'm not tired."

"You're kidding, right? Dude, you're exhausted. And not try to deny it!" he shouted when Sam saw that Dean mouth was about to talk. But the older brother wasn't going to speak, he needed to cough.

Then, right after, he sneezed two times. 'Something isn't right.' Thought Sam.

Dean wasn't' only tired, he was weak. Gosh, Dean, always trying to maintain the I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. Sam wanted to punch him so hard… But instead he palmed Dean's forehead.

"Sam, quit touching me."

Like he thought. Warm.

"You have a fever. I think that staying out all night in the middle of February wasn't such a good idea, huh?"

The younger brother sighed and got up from the bed to get a blanket from the motel's closet. Once he put it on Dean's bed, he went out, directly towards Impala's truck searching for the first aid kit.

He found it and went back into the room.

"Open your mouth."

They waited until they heard the beep. "102" Sam read.

"Take this medicine and try to sleep, ok?" he handed two white pills to Dean who swallowed them with some water and then leaned his head on the pillow.

Sam watched him 'till he was sure he was asleep.

It was over 1 a.m. when Dean woke up. He slept all day. But now he was hyperventilating because he was brought back to reality by an awful nightmare. Sam hugged Dean to comfort his brother and the whispered:"I'm here, Dean. It's me, Sam."

"Sammy…" his voiced cracked and he was shivering; the younger boy checked his brother's fever at first with his hand, 'Definitely up' he thought, then sticking the thermometer into Dean's mouth.

"104.2" Dean's fever was bad, really bad. It was a combination of fatigue, almost a week with no sleep or food with the final bonus of last night's trip. Awesome.

"Dean" Sam's tone was soft and reassuring. "Dean, breath with me. Like this: in and out. In... and... out. Good."

Sam's big brother was calmer now. "I'm gonna go out to get you something to eat and stronger drugs. I'll be back in a minute."

Well, it wasn't really a minute, obviously, but Sam was back in no time. When he entered the room his brother was unconscious mumbling something that made no sense.

"It's 'ot true… I can't be the one who ca'sed this. Please, Cass. Tell 'e it's 'ot true." He mumbled.

"I d'dn't bre'k 'e fi'st seal."

Dean's fever spiked. He was in delirium. Sam grabbed the trash can and went to the ice machine outside their room. Then, when he returned indoor, he wrapped the ice in a washcloth and placed it on Dean's forehead.

Dean hissed when the cold ice burnt his skin but after a minute his face relaxed, he stopped blabbering and his pulse slowed down gradually.

An hour later Dean opened his eyes again.

" Sammy, you're back." He whispered.

"Yeah, I'm back." Sam eyes where fill with terrors and tears. "How are you feeling?"

"Not good, Sammy. Not good."

'Well, at least he's not lying anymore' thought Sam, but he was still worried sick. What was he supposed to do? Now he didn't have a choice: he had to force his sibling to talk.

"I bet. Here, pills time." Sam said.

Dean took the pills and drank the orange juice Sam had bought for him.

"Dean…" he needed to know. He needed to ask that question, but he couldn't find the right words. Maybe because there weren't right words.

"Dean, when I came back, you were sayin' that you broke the first seal… what did you mean?"

The other boy look away, careful to avoid his sibling's eyes. A tear ran down through his cheek, but he didn't answer.

"C'mon Dean." Sam insisted "You can tell me. You must tell me in order to get better."

The older Winchester closed his eyes and sighed.

Dean wished Sammy never asked that question. But maybe Sam was right, talk would actually help him. Anyway, he didn't have a real choice: if he didn't answer now, Sam would have surely asked him later, and later, 'till he surrender.

"When I was torturing Alastair…" Dean said, then coughed, and finally continued "He told me that, when I got off the rack, I broke the first seal. I couldn't believe it but then I asked Cass and he…"

Sam knew where this was going. "It's not your fault" he promptly said.

"Yeah, it is my fault. If I didn't accept the offer none of this would have happened!" Dean yelled. Sam tried to tranquilized him "Hey, hey. Calm down. Dean… Listen to me. You couldn't have known, ok? The demons are breaking the seals, Lilith is going to set Lucifer free ok? Not you."

Dean nodded but he was not at all convinced.

They stayed in silence for a what it seemed eternity and then Sam spoke:"You should eat something. I'll heat up the soup. And after you'll go back to sleep. Your fever is still pretty high."
And so he did: Sam took the soup out of the fridge, removed the plastic cover and place it in the microvawe for 3 minutes. Meanwhile, his mind was still processing the revelation his brother just made to him. 'I'm so over with this Apocalypse crap. I'm going to kill that Lilith bitch and I'm going to make you feel better, Dean. Demons brought you into this mess but I can bring you out. This time I'm the one who's gonna save you.'

Hi! Hope you liked it. I wrote this because I just re-watched episode 4x19 so… here's what my mind came out with.

English is not my first language so I hope I didn't make too many mistakes .

Kisses.