The Morning After
It occurred to me that in sleeping with Sonya I had failed in a way my father never had. He was an abusive son of a bitch who cheated, stole, drank and gambled, but as far as I knew he was never unfaithful to my Mom. As I lay staring at the ceiling of my burnt out home I felt changed. Sonya was sleeping against me, her breathing even and restful, but I was far from peace. I felt damaged in a way I hadn't expected. I'd thought it out logically; one of my major sub-goals on the road to meeting the head of the organization was to get Sonya on my side. It was just common sense to use sex and seduction to do that. Fiona was with another man so I wasn't technically doing anything wrong. Sonya is beautiful and I thought I would enjoy making love to her and she would enjoy being with me.
Now she is sleeping beside me and I feel overcome with guilt at what I've done. My feelings are so strong because I didn't expect this to hurt so much. When you know you have to kill someone you prepare yourself mentally, knowing the emotional price will be high. I didn't know this would cost me so much, so I wasn't ready for it. My mind told me this was necessary. This is how the game is played because she's lonely, I'm lonely and the woman I love wants nothing to do with me.
I feel like I just betrayed Fiona.
When I ask Fi to meet me I don't even know what I want from her. This is experience urging me on, I know that she got angry in the past when I didn't tell her things, so I'm trying to prevent future issues from festering. I think that's what I'm doing.
Fiona was furious when she found out about my relationship with Samantha Keyes. I was engaged to another woman, and in Fi's world that is important. She said I should have told her. Therefore, if I had any chance of getting Fiona back I had to tell her the truth about my night with Sonya. I had to explain what I'd done. I had to hope she'd understand why I did it, and I had to hope she'd forgive me. I was long past the point of desperation. I was running on fumes. But some instinct inside told me I had to tell Fiona as soon as possible.
I didn't want Fiona to be in pain because of what I'd done, but I prayed I wouldn't have to face her apathy. A drowning man needs the hope of love in order to save himself. Otherwise I may as well drown. She was angry when I told her, which meant that she still cared about me a little. A starving man will take any crumb he can get. She asked me if Sonya was still the enemy. I understood that she was thinking of Larry Sizemore and the unhealthy relationship he and I had before she blew him up with a brick of T4.
Fiona makes it clear that having sex with your enemy is a stupid thing to do. She's only half right of course. Fiona understands the emotional consequences of sex but she doesn't understand why I'm willing to pay such a high price this time. I have to finish this. I have to achieve my objective.
If there was no Fiona I wouldn't know what it is like to be with a woman who can see into my soul. If her words hadn't made me feel so hopeless and empty, I may not have slept with Sonya. The truth was, until she said we were over, I had only been considering sex with Sonya, I hadn't decided yet if I would do it.
Fi was always said I'm vulnerable to bad influences. She thought Larry could convince me black was white. I'm not that bad. I can still see straight but I don't see the point in going on if Fiona's not with me. I can do my job and keep my allegiances straight. A bit of confusion is normal with deep cover but I won't lose myself.
I wish there was a way to convince her to come back to me.