Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own mistakes.
See author's note at the end.
Foregoing knocking or ringing the bell, she went straight for the door knob. When she found it to be locked she smiled to herself, before she fumbled around in the pockets of her blazer for a key.
Closing the door ever so gently behind her, she tiptoed into the room, taking a quick glance around.
"Jane? What are you doing here so early?" Apparently she missed a spot.
Jane jumped back, and her hands went behind her back immediately.
"Uhm... Oh hey! Didn't know you would be up yet."
From behind her kitchen island Maura stood frozen, confusion evident on her face. Jane approached slowly, trying to act casual.
"I would advise you not to use your key if you had planned for this to look like a burglary." Maura's confusion had turned into genuine curiosity at this point, as she watched Jane trying to act like this was how she usually entered the house, and there was nothing odd about it at all.
Instead of trying to come up with an explanation for such an early visit, Jane strode toward the kitchen island. With the island separating them, she stopped. Looking at her best friend's confused and bewildered face, she put on an awkward, but beaming smile before she brought her hands forward revealing a small, perfectly wrapped gift. She tucked a small unmarked envelope under the ribbon, set it down on the surface and slid it slowly across the island toward Maura.
"Happy birthday, Maura."
Maura's hand went straight to her heart, a motion surely learned at an early age. Automatic after 37 years. She looked at the small gift, her expression going from bewildered to touched, to something unreadable.
"Jane, you shouldn't have." She looked up at Jane, hand still over her heart.
"Open it." Jane urged her.
As Maura reached for the gift, they both heard the side door open and close, before the source of sound stopped. They both turned to look, even if they knew who it was.
"Oh. You're both here." Angela looked from her daughter to Maura, who had yet to open her gift. She walked toward them, revealing a tray of freshly baked cookies.
"Well... SURPRISE!" She exclaimed while she put the tray down on the island. Jane chuckled at her mother's antics.
With her hands finally free she put them around Maura, giving her a sideways hug and kissed her on the cheek. "Happy birthday, sweetheart."
Maura accepted the hug, but tensed immediately - something Angela noticed. She stepped back carefully, keeping her eyes on Maura.
"Thank you." Maura gripped the island with both hands, taking a deep breath. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and get dressed for the day."
Jane and Angela watched her move toward the stairs, before they turned to look at each other - baffled.
"Wha.. What was that?" Jane asked no one in particular, or maybe herself.
"What happened?" Angela directed at Jane.
"What HAPPENED? I have no idea!" She gesticulated toward the island, then at the stairs, trying to force some thoughts to come out. When none came she simply threw her arms back at her sides and gave a frustrated groan.
Angela noticed the gift on the island, still wrapped. "Well, she didn't have time to open that - so that's not it."
Jane seemingly unable to form words, simply stared angrily at her mother.
"What? I just thought I'd mention it." Angela shrugged.
Jane slumped down on one of the stools, elbows on the island and hands supporting her head. "Well that was a good plan." She mumbled to herself.
Angela went to work on breakfast, just like they had planned. Jane simply sat and watched. Waiting.
"You make the coffee." Angela ordered.
"No. I can't... with that... thing." Jane motioned toward Maura's fancy espresso thing.
Angela sighed and turned to Jane. "Just go after her, Jane."
Jane heard sounds emanating from Maura's walk-in closet, and peeked her head inside.
"There you are!" She tried to sound excited, but cringed when it came out too strong.
Maura, still in her pyjamas, was rifling through hangers upon hangers, forcefully. "I can't find anything to wear."
Jane had to stifle a laugh. "What, not enough to choose from?"
"It's impossible to dress in this weather." Maura sighed. She extracted a blue dress to look at it more closely, before she angrily put it back on the rack - continuing on to the next one.
Jane cautiously approached. "Hey." She put her arm on Maura's shoulder. "Stop."
Maura stopped, but didn't drop her arm. She felt Jane squeeze her shoulder slightly, as if trying to coax it down.
"Tell me what's really bothering you."
Maura gripped onto the rack, and let her head fall on her arm. "Everything apparently." It was half mumble, half sigh. Her body sagged against the clothes, only held up by the firm grip of her arm.
"Okay. That's a start." Jane brought her hand to her friend's back, feeling the silk under her palm as it trailed up and down.
Maura remained quiet, her face tucked into her elbow.
Afraid Maura might fall face first into her closet if she kept this position up, Jane reached for her wrist to signal her to let go of the rack. "Don't take it out on your wardrobe." Maura straightened herself up, and let Jane move her arm down while keeping a steady hand on her back.
Not letting go of her wrist, Jane turned Maura around to face her. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."
Maura lifted her head, confusion evident on her face.
"We shouldn't just barge in like that - not even on your birthday. I'm sorry." Jane said.
"No! That's not... that's not something to apologize for." Maura brought her hands up to her face, shaking her head from side to side. "What is wrong with me?"
Jane wasn't sure the question was directed at her, so she chose to ignore it. Maura drew her hands down her face, before taking steps backwards until her back hit the wall. She looked up at Jane, an uneasy expression on her face. She put her palms to the wall and gently slid down. When she touched the floor, she brought her knees up - hugging them close to her chest as her arms encircled them. Jane stood frozen, watching it all unfold - worried.
"I love that your mother feels comfortable enough to come and go as she pleases. And I love that ever since she moved into the guest house you see this as your second home. I love all that. Please don't ever think that I mind that." Maura pleaded.
"Uhm... okay." This seemed to make Maura relax slightly, but made Jane more worried.
"So, what was all that about then?" She pointed toward the door, before dropping down to her knees on the floor so she could be in Maura's line of sight.
Maura shook her head again. "I'm not feeling like myself today."
"Are you sick?"
Maura contemplated that for a moment. "No, I don't think that I am. I feel physically fine." She sighed.
"Not much for birthdays?" Jane forced a smile.
"I've always been indifferent to them. Well, not always - but in all of my adult life. It's simply another day."
"Ah." Jane was starting to piece it all together.
"It's the first one isn't it? Since meeting Hope."
Maura nodded. "Do you think she will come here? I don't think I can deal with that today." Maura asked, suddenly alarmed.
"Wow. That bad?" Jane chuckled.
Maura nodded again, and buried her head between her knees.
"Okay." Jane moved forward, her knees barely off the carpet. She stopped in front of Maura, and gently touched the top of her head. "There's a lot going on in there right now isn't there?"
"Too much." Came the muffled reply.
She decided to give Maura a moment, and sat back on her heels - waiting. When Maura lifted her head, she had the most adorable lost expression on her face, with a pout. Jane couldn't help the adoring smile and chuckle that slipped out.
"Want the good news or the bad news first?" Jane asked.
"Good."
"Okay. Good news is that it's your birthday, which means you get to do whatever you want. INCLUDING deciding who you want to see."
"Jane, it doesn't really work like that."
"Sure it does. You can even kick me out of here, and I won't be mad at you tomorrow. How's that?"
"I would never do that. And if that's good news, I'm dreading the bad."
"Okay. Bad news. Biological mothers never call beforehand." Jane deadpanned.
Maura chuckled. "Oh! Do you think maybe I should call her? Ask her if perhaps we could meet up at the Boston cemetery?"
"Good one." Jane smiled. "No. Don't do that."
They shared a laugh, which turned into a smile. As it died out, Jane watched Maura's features gradually change from relaxed and satisfied, to tense and troubled. She might actually be able to pinpoint the exact moment Maura retreated back inside her head. She automatically reached out, laying her hand on top of Maura's joined ones.
"Hey. It's okay. We can pretend it's August 8th."
Maura attempted a smile, but sensing her own inability to do so - she sighed instead.
"What was your favourite part of your birthdays when you were a child?" She asked.
"Easy. Presents. Or maybe ice cream." Jane answered. "What about you?"
"It was always - and still is - the day of the year where I know I'll get to talk to both of my parents." Maura had a wistful, but sad smile on her face. "I would be so excited to know it was approaching, because it always meant we would be together." Tears were glistening in her eyes. "The three of us." She added as merely a whisper.
Jane watched as Maura let her head fall back between her knees. The whimper that followed broke her heart in a gazillion pieces. She felt her own throat closing up. Trying to steady herself, or perhaps them both - she kept her hand on top of Maura's and squeezed gently.
"You miss them don't you?"
Maura tried to nod, but all Jane could see was her upper body shaking, short sobs escaping while trying to breathe. She had a vision of a tiny Maura sitting like this in a big empty house with no one around, and it broke her heart even more. Letting go of Maura's hands for a minute, she changed position so she could sit with her back against the wall beside Maura.
"Shhh. It's okay to miss them. It's okay." She chanted as she rubbed soothingly on Maura's hunched back.
When the shaking subsided, and all that was left was the rise and fall as she breathed, Maura lifted her head, and brought her hands to her face. She sniffled, and wiped furiously at her cheeks and nose.
"You want tissues?" Jane asked, receiving a nod.
Jane leapt into action immediately, standing up and looking around.
"Bedroom." Maura croaked.
"Right." She sprinted into the bedroom, retrieved a box of tissues from the night stand, and sprinted back. Handing over the first tissue, she resumed her previous position against the wall. While Maura blew her nose and wiped the remaining tears from her face, she was there to rub her back.
"You know what you should do?" Jane tried.
Maura turned her head to look at her. "What?"
"When they call you today - just tell them. Tell them you miss them. Tell them that you want to see them. Tell them they should take some time off to come and see you. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting that, Maura."
Maura felt a fresh batch of tears running freely down her cheeks, and dabbed the corners of her eyes.
"I've never missed them like this before." She sniffled. "I just wish... I wish I could see them. It's like I need them here to remind me of the person they raised me to be. The person that I used to be."
"Hey. Come on. You're still that person."
Maura shook her head. "Change is human nature. Or maybe this is who I've always been, and I just didn't realize until now."
"Okay. Listen. I see you almost every single day, Maura. You haven't changed. The circumstances might have changed, but you... you're still that amazing, smart, and strong person that your parents raised you to be."
"And kind. Selfless. Not to mention honest." Jane added with a smile.
Maura blew her nose, and Jane found she wanted to add adorable.
"I look at Hope, and I see how similar we are. Not just on the outside, but..." Maura stopped to take a breath. "It scares me."
"Why does that scare you? She's a very accomplished woman - just like you."
"She is. She also fell in love with a mobster."
"That's what you're scared of?"
"There are numerous studies that suggest that women are attracted to men like their fathers, which suggests that there is some form of genetic predisposition when it comes to what you find as desirable traits when finding a mate."
"Great. Does that mean I should be looking for a plumber?"
With the vision in her head, Maura couldn't help but smile. "No. It's not about profession."
"Thank God."
"Men like Paddy." She sighed. "They have a side, a softer side, a gentler side - that is reserved for a chosen few, very often only one person. It comes out so rarely that it appears stronger once it does, and what appears to be charming at first, turns into this force that makes you feel like the most special person on the planet. So you tolerate the bad, or you pretend it doesn't exist - just to feel that."
"Wow, you've done a lot of reading on this.." Jane started.
"No. I didn't have to. It's all too familiar." Maura hung her head again, breathing deeply into the top of her knees.
Jane made the connection, and stopped to think. "Okay, so you've made a few bad choices. At least you're aware of them."
"You mean, acceptance is the first step?" She gave Jane a teasing smile.
"I don't think you're addicted to bad guys, Maura."
Jane straightened her legs out, crossing them at the ankles. She let her head rest against the wall.
"You might have a lot in common with Hope. I have to admit it was scary to see at first. There's one thing though, that you've definitely not gotten from your biological parents." Maura looked up at this, angling her head so she could watch Jane's face as she spoke.
"Your ethics. Not only are you physically unable to lie, but you're not afraid of the truth. You seek the truth in everything you do. Even when people might not want to hear it, you give them the truth. And that doesn't come from Hope, or Paddy. That's all you."
Maura bumped her shoulder gently against Jane's. "Thank you."
Jane smiled. "Anytime."
"You know.. Life is like a jigsaw puzzle." Maura said.
"What? I thought it was like a box of chocolates."
Maura chuckled. "We both solve puzzles for a living - and it's often the puzzle of someone's life. I bring the pieces that the body reveals, and you bring the pieces that the circumstances and environment reveals."
"True."
"Do you think someone will be able to piece it all together when we die? Our lives I mean?" Maura asked.
"Uhm... That depends?" Jane squinted as she asked, like this was a test and Maura had all the answers.
"My whole life I've been searching for some very substantial pieces. Near the bottom left corner."
"What's the bottom left corner?"
"I've always imagined it to be where it all started."
Jane nodded, trying to keep up with the analogy.
"When a new piece reveals itself it either expands the entire puzzle, or it completes a certain part of the puzzle." Maura looked over at Jane, to see if she was paying attention.
"Mhmm."
"And mine has expanded in several directions, but there's been this space... near the bottom left corner - that has prevented it from tying together to form a clear substantial part. To make it easier to expand the puzzle in other directions from there on out."
Jane looked at Maura and nodded. "And now you've got those pieces?"
"Yes. But they are unclear, and there's too many of them."
"Ah. Someone took the box with the remaining pieces and dumped it right in the middle of your puzzle?"
Maura pointed her finger in the air. "Exactly."
They both laughed at the analogy, and just how fitting it was.
"Good thing you're so good at puzzles then, isn't it?" Jane bumped her shoulder against Maura's.
"Perhaps."
"So how many corners have you got?"
"One." Maura stopped to rethink that. "Maybe two."
"And edges?"
"I think the bottom edge is quite clear."
"Excellent." She turned toward Maura, and put a hand on her knee.
"Here's what you'll do." She pushed at Maura's knee, signalling her to lower it. Then she drew a square on the carpet between them.
"This is where it all started." She pointed to the bottom left corner. "And you've got a pretty clear line leading this way." She drew her finger to the right. "I'm assuming the problem is somewhere around here?" She pointed toward a spot near the bottom, more to the left than right.
"Mhmm." Maura watched in fascination.
"So to fit the blurry pieces you've got that you know go down here somewhere, all you have to do is lean on the edges. Start here." Left corner. "Then zoom out so you can see the corner with every piece as you move across the bottom. And if this is where your other corner is." Right corner. "Zoom out so you can see that too."
"Fascinating." Maura said in all seriousness. Jane laughed.
"And if that doesn't help, try focusing on the big clusters of pieces you've got scattered around somewhere in here." She drew a circle in the middle of the square.
Maura regarded the square in the carpet, as if mapping out her life in it. She pointed toward the circle Jane had made, a little to the right. "You are somewhere in here."
The significance hit Jane instantly. She took hold of Maura's hand, and guided it on the carpet. "From here it's not really all that far to where all the blurry pieces go. See?" She looked over at Maura's glistening eyes.
"Every little piece makes it easier to see." Jane let go of Maura's hand.
"And that's how you solve a jigsaw puzzle." She said triumphantly, rubbing her hands together as if clearing them of dust.
Maura laughed through her tears, and the sound of it made Jane feel like it came from somewhere deep inside for once. Genuine.
"That's... that's quite impressive." Maura looked down at the carpet between them again, then up at Jane, smiling.
Jane smiled back, while shrugging. "Hey, you hungry?"
While Maura nodded, Jane sniffed the air. "I smell... pancakes. And I think..." she turned to Maura with a twinkle in her eye. "it might be bunny pancakes."
"You can smell their shape?" Maura smiled.
Jane got herself up to a standing position, and held a hand out for Maura. "Nah, that's just gut instinct. Come on."
When standing, Maura realized something. "I still haven't found anything to wear."
Jane tugged at her elbow. "No no no. You're eating breakfast in your jammies. It's your birthday - you can do whatever you want."
Maura stopped, momentarily confused. "But what I want is to get dressed for the day before breakfast."
"And I repeat; no no no. There's no time for that. Bunny pancakes. Downstairs. Waiting. Come on." She tugged again.
"Wait."
Jane turned to face Maura, ready to fight about wardrobe choices for breakfast again, when she noticed Maura's lower lip trembling slightly - battling. She crouched down slightly, suddenly worried again.
"Hey. Okay. You can..." She started.
Maura stopped her, putting her hands on Jane's biceps. "You're wonderful, Jane. Please don't ever change."
The complete turnaround and the sincerity of it all left her speechless. She extracted herself from Maura's grip, and let her arms envelope Maura in a hug.
"I won't if you won't." Jane whispered with a smile.
"Deal."
Author's note: I've always wanted to see Maura's birthday on the show. I felt this year would have been the perfect opportunity - so I went with it. That and the fact that writing this kind of helped me deal with my own "weird mood" on my birthday this weekend. It's hard to see the forest with all those damn trees sometimes.
It has always bugged me how Maura is often portrayed as having essentially raised herself in a lot of fanfic. I don't believe she would be who she is if that were the case, so I decided to touch on that, as well as give a small shout out to those who in fact shaped her (even if it's just fiction).
Constructive criticism always appreciated. Sorry there was no gift revealing - I just couldn't come up with a decent gift that wasn't too cheesy or fluffy.