Everything was perfectly ordinary the first term back.
Until the first owl came. And landed, with an undignified plop, onto Harry's cereal.
Really, the whole owl system was very badly thought out. It was breakfast, and everybody knew nobody was safe. No bacon sandwich or pancake was guaranteed to be eaten; not when an owl of varying colour, size and breed would swoop in and land on your head or your food. Some people sent owls just to annoy their friends – because really, the abrupt disappointment of knowing you will never finish your food just because some massive owl had landed in it for no reason was the peak amusement of the younger years, no matter the house. Over the years, the joke wore off.
Being older, Harry didn't expect them, and he didn't really get much post at all, meaning he could eat his breakfast leisurely in the knowledge he was, on the whole, safe from owls. Ron got a lot of owls from his mum and dad, and Hermione got the Daily Prophet every breakfast, but Harry only got the sporadic emails from Sirius.
The owl unloaded a very large, rectangular parcel onto Harry's plate, gave a celebratory hoot, and then flew back through the windows up into the owlery looking very pleased with himself.
Harry frowned at the parcel.
"What's that?" Asked Hermione curiously. "It's awfully large. Surely Snuffles wouldn't send you a present like that?"
"E igly u-ikey e cn js alk inu a hop," Ron said, his mouth full of hash brown.
Hermione looked revolted.
"He's right," Harry said, looking at the parcel thoughtfully.
"What did he say?" Asked Hermione irritably.
Ron swallowed with great difficulty and said, "I said it's highly unlikely he can just walk into a shop."
"You're right," Agreed Hermione, looking at the parcel thoughtfully.
"Maybe it's a fan gift," Ron suggested.
"They go straight to his room," Hermione said, exasperated. "Otherwise he'd be inundated with letters. Do you not listen to McGonagall?"
The letters did indeed go to Harry's room, joining a massive pile of fan mail shoved under his bed unread.
"Not when she's talking about Harry," Ron said defensively. "I just kind of zone out. Well, maybe it's a bomb!"
Hermione gave him a withering look. "How would a Hogwarts student smuggle in a bomb?"
"You don't know it's a student," Ron argued. "All sorts of Death Eater nutters have got in here in the past."
"You're right," Harry said.
"He's right," Hermione said grudgingly.
"I don't think it's a bomb," Harry said. "It would have gone off by now."
"And blown us all to pieces," Ron added.
Harry nodded. "But it could contain a curse."
"He's right," Hermione and Ron simultaneously agreed.
"You three are so annoying," Ginny piped in. "We get it, you're right, stop repeating it. Just open the damn thing and you'll find out."
Harry grudgingly and gingerly unwrapped the parcel.
Some shampoo and a curled up piece of parchment fell out.
"It's anti frizz shampoo," Harry stated rather unnecessarily. The bottle did indeed have the words ANTI FRIZZ written across it in massive green letters. It described itself as THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION FOR ALL THE WITCHES AND WIZARDS AROUND THE WORLD WITH FRIZZY HAIR. OUR UNIQUE BLEND, INCLUDING NEEM AND GOOSEGRASS OILS AND SEASONED WITH THE DISTINCT SMELLS OF GINGER AND AFRICAN SEA SALT, IS GUARANTEED TO SMOOTHEN DOWN THOSE TROUBLESOME LOCKS AND ALLOW YOUR TRUE HAIR TO SHINE THROUGH – AND ALL FOR THE GREAT PRICE OF -!"
The sender had removed the price from the shampoo.
The parchment simply read:
"Potter –
I hate your hair."
"Maybe it's full of Bubotuber Pus!" Ron said excitedly, as if the idea of Harry developing massive, painful boils could not bring him any greater pleasure.
"Maybe," Hermione said thoughtfully, "It's just shampoo."
When Harry came downstairs the next morning and bit warily into his toast, half expecting another half useful, half insulting package, the Gryffindor table around him stared openly.
"Hermione, you were right!" Exclaimed Ron.
"It smells great," Hermione said appreciatively.
"That," Said Ginny in a deadpan voice, "Is gorgeous. I can feel my crush coming back."
Harry turned to face her. "When did it go?"
Ginny stared at him. "Harry. I've been dating Dean for six months."
Dean smiled at him, his mouth full of scrambled eggs and toast.
"Harry never listens," Hermione narrated to nobody in particular, biting into a croissant. "Except to insulting strangers who send unexpected, half-hate mail."
Harry scowled at her.
Just then, another school owl swooped down and unloaded a package onto Harry's toast.
"What do you think that is?" Ron asked the room at large.
"Who do you think is sending them?" Hermione asked thoughtfully, to the room at large.
The parcel was long and cylindrical, a bit like the shampoo bottle. Once again, it was wrapped in brown paper.
This annoyed Harry. Surely they could have got better wrapping paper? The shampoo they had sent looked – and felt – quite expensive, so it wouldn't be too much of a pain to wrap it in something else. Unless, perhaps, the wrapping paper would say something about the sender were they to use it. Harry voiced the idea out loud to Hermione and Ron.
"You're delusional, and quite possibly mad," Hermione said firmly, "But your original question is sound. Why use brown paper?"
"I feel like I'm on a programme of Witch hunt," Ron said. Looking at the blank faces of Harry and Hermione, he sighed. "I hate having muggle-raised people for friends. You never get my references, and then you have your little jokes between yourselves."
"Oh, I am sorry, Ronald," Hermione said indignantly. "You know, I'm sure it would be nice not to be a mudblood - but of course our little jokes make it entirely worth it –"
"You two bicker like an old married couple," Ginny interrupted.
Hermione looked at Ron and turned green.
Ron looked at Hermione and turned green.
"I," Hermione begun firmly, "Would never -"
"It's aftershave," Harry said softly.
Ron and Hermione peered over.
"Blimey," Ron said, "That's expensive aftershave."
"He's right," Said Ginny, leaning close to them and looking at the label.
"So he could afford wrapping paper!" Harry said indignantly.
"Why did you assume it's a he?" Ginny said curiously.
Harry chose not to hear this comment.
"There's the same sort of note," Ron said. "It says that they hate how you smell of muggle."
"What, wizards have a different type of deodorant?" Harry asked defensively.
"Harry," Hermione said softly, "I don't think this person hates you."
"You're not wearing the aftershave," Hermione observed.
"Well," Harry said with dignity, "I don't have to do anything a stranger tells me to."
"He slept with it sprayed on his pillow," Ron said.
Harry glared at him. Ron stared meekly down at his cereal.
Ginny and Hermione burst out into giggles.
Harry glared at them too, and moodily spread jam onto his toast.
"What's the matter with you, then?" Ron asked, loading his place with hash browns. "And why are you only having jam on your toast?"
"There's going to be another owl today, isn't there?" Harry replied. "Might as well not put energy into having a nice breakfast."
"He's right," Hermione and Ron said in unison.
But no parcel came.
"You're upset," Hermione stated on their way to Herbology.
"Yeah, I'm upset that I missed out on a nice breakfast," Harry said moodily, glaring at a gaggle of second-years walking past talking too loudly. "I could have had pancakes and golden syrup."
"You were too pessimistic," Hermione said.
"You were too optimistic," Ron said. "You were expecting an endless stream of presents. I mean I know you usually get streams of fan presents, but you can't expect it from everyone. Maybe the stranger got bored."
Harry vented his anger by batting away a plant itching close to his shoulder with a slightly excessive amount of force.
"I mean, who knows who they are. Maybe they are waiting for something in return."
"There'd be a return address, Ron," Hermione said impatiently.
"Maybe it's a code!" Ron said excitedly. "Did you throw the wrapping away?"
"No, Ron, I actually keep it under my pillow as a momento," Harry said sarcastically.
"It wouldn't surprise me," Ron said gravely.
AN: This is kind of stupid and half finished because I just wanted to get it off of my computer. There is loads more left half written so this will be updated. If you enjoyed the start of this (however silly it is) or have any suggestions please review!