chapter one

The first thing he liked to do after a hard day going through the ruins was take a hot shower – or a hot bath. Tonight he hoped he wouldn't have time for a long bath so he went for the shower instead, making it quick. Ten minutes later he wrapped his luxurious hair in a thick towel and got into his bathrobe and slippers.

It had arrived as promised while he was in the bathroom and lay quietly, pristinely, a thick white square, on his black lacquer morning table by the hearth.

Kuja hurried over and snatched it up, opening the square fold by fold until he had in his manicured hand a single sheet of formal velum stationery. On it ten lines marched across as even as soldiers.

He giggled with glee, grabbed his cell phone from the table and hopped onto his soft queen-sized bed. Before he agreed to this gig he made sure his rooms would be decorated to his liking. Kuja turned on his bedside lamp, a Tiffany, and curled up in a happy ball to look at the list.

"Ohhhh, oh my!" He whispered. Everyone was there. All cell phone numbers. And the first one ….

All of a sudden he felt nervous. It was an odd feeling. He'd never felt that way before. He pushed away from that silliness and looked at the first set of numbers. He knew who it belonged to – that face! That body. Maybe his nervousness was merely anxiety.

Let's go! He said to himself, We're wasting precious time here.

He entered the first phone number into his cell and hit the Talk button. First one beep, then another. On the fourth beep or so the beeping stopped.

A bored voice said, "Hello?"

Kuja cleared his golden throat a little, "Hi! Um, a friend gave me your phone number, and I … I thought I'd call you … well, I wanted to call you …."

"Ah … okay," the man on the other end said. "Who is this?"

Kuja giggled, "You can't guess?"

Silence.

"Anyway," he went on. "I know that you and I … we … we've met. True, maybe not under the best of circumstances, and for that I feel bad …."

Total lie.

"Hey, wait a minute," Light said. "This voice is familiar …."

Kuja thought about his next move and waited.

"I hope you won't think badly of me," he said with a pout in his voice. After the pretty male had his way with Light, then Light was welcome to think whatever he wanted. But until then ….

"It's you!" Light said with venom.

"Yes, yes, it is," Kuja said sweetly, "and I'd like to say I'm sorry for the things they've made me do …."

That someone would like to say they're sorry is not the same as someone actually apologizing. Kuja wondered if that would occur to Light. Probably not. But then Kuja wasn't calling Light because Kuja was impressed by Light's brains, which were actually nothing to write home about.

"You!" Light whispered, "Why are you calling me?"

"Well," Kuja thought for a moment – hadn't he just stated his reason for calling? "I know we haven't met under the best circumstances and I'd like to apologize to you in person …."

"What kind of trick is this?" Light said.

"No trick," Kuja said. "I – I'd like to have dinner with you and talk about …."

The phone went dead on the other end.

"Fine," he went back to the list. "Who's next?"

When he saw who it was, a chill ran up and down his delicate spine. He quickly punched in the number on his phone and then hit Talk. This male was very possibly even more beautiful than Light. More … captivating? Enthralling? Gorgeous? Interesting? The phone buzzed once, twice, three times, then four and five before the answering service came on the line. Kuja hit End, feeling vexed.

"I'll save him for later," he said and went down the list of phone numbers. "Nope. I don't do children …. Who's next … Well, fuck me in the ass, it's Cecil Harvey. Baby, tonight I'm yours."

Kuja quickly dialed again. After just a few buzzes, a sweet male voice answered,

"Hello?"

"Hi!" Kuja relaxed back into his numerous fluffy pillows, "I wanted to call you – got your phone number from a friend …."

"You're kidding," the hot paladin said matter-of-factly.

"Kidding?" Kuja wasn't sure for a minute that he'd heard him right. "No, I'm not …."

"You just called my friend, didn't you?"

"I did, yes," Kuja was getting ticked off now.

Things weren't going at all the way he thought they would. When he had fought Light there was no mistaking the look in the warrior's eyes as the pretty male teased him. Their fight had ended up with Light leaving instead of fighting on. But the way Light's beautiful green eyes lingered on his opponent, on his bare thighs and bare stomach, made Kuja want more. He wanted more than hungry glances or appreciative glances. He wanted to be eaten, and he wanted it tonight. He was, frankly, surprised that Light turned him down. Well, if not with Light, then … he had more phone numbers.

"What are you up to?" Cecil said, his voice hard with suspicion.

"Good god …," Kuja said and hung up. Some people were no fun.

Moving right along. Number five on the list made Kuja gasp with delight. He hurried with the number, saving this one in his phone's memory. Later on he would go back and do the same for number two.

No answer. That was a bummer. Even more, he almost wondered for a minute if maybe number two and number five were together somewhere, but he didn't like that thought so he didn't go there. The only way he would ever tolerate two and five being together would be if were in the middle, nude. Kuja went on to the next one on the list.

As soon as he saw who it was, his breathing stopped and his eyes turned red with rage. His hair turned into flames, threatening to send the towel up in a puff of smoke. The room was suddenly hot, burning – and not in a good way. He punched in the number, seething. After only two beeps, a wimpy voice answered,

"Helloooo?"

"I HATE YOU!" He said and hit End.

That was probably enough to send her into a crying fit for the rest of the evening. This made him feel better and he started to cool down. He'd deal more of that out later. Her and her irritating attacks. What he really wanted to do was jam a foot up her ass. And then Kuja saw the next name.

"Hello there!" He said happily, punching in the numbers. A couple beeps and a miserable voice answered,

"Hello?"

"Hi," Kuja purred. He relaxed back into his multitude of pillows once again, "I know you don't know me that well … but …"

They had fought a few times. The boy was cute so Kuja had taken it easy on him. And who could ignore that big sword? It made him kind of … horny. Later on finding himself KO'd by a blond only piqued his interest more. Cloud said nothing, so Kuja continued on,

"Anyway, I feel like I don't want you to think badly of me …"

Cloud cut him off, "I have a girlfriend."

Like that mattered to the little black mage. He knew who Cloud's girlfriend was, too – everyone did. That rack was downright impossible to compete with. Obviously.

Kuja started to say, "Oh, I didn't mean that …"

"So, whaddaya want, then?"

He put on his best pout, "I thought it'd be nice if we had dinner some time."

Cloud laughed softly, "Pass." He hung up.

Fine. Whatever. This was only square one after all. He'd gotten his dainty foot in the door, and now he had the phone numbers. All of them.

He spied one number and skipped over Squall, for the moment, to get to it. A few beeps and then an answer.

"Hello?" Kuja said, all business, "Is the monkey home?"

"Eat shit and die," the boy said on the other end.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is this the monkey? I'm calling for …," Kuja said, innocent.

"If you call here again, I'll kill you," Zidane said evenly.

"You wish," Kuja fired back.

Yet another who needed a good ass kicking. Unfortunately, they were evenly matched. Still … someday the monkey was going to get his in a big, big way.

"Bitch," Zidane said and hung up.

"Furry," Kuja said, hoping he heard.

Nerve of some people.

Onward, ever onward. He went back to Squall Leonhart. Yummy. Talk was that the lion had a girlfriend he wasn't all that interested in. Not that Kuja really cared as long as the girlfriend wasn't immediately present. All Kuja wanted was to tap that ass and then move on.

Shockingly enough, his phone rang just as he was about to punch in Squall's cell phone number.

Anonymous was listed for the name. Kuja hit talk,

"Hello?"

Whoever was on the other end paused for a moment, "Uh … hi! I, um, noticed that someone at your phone number called my phone …."

OH … EM … GEE … it was him. He felt the blood drain from his face and a sudden attack of nerves.

"Yes!" He sat up straight in bed, "Yes, I did call you. I hope you don't mind, I … well …."

The man on the other end laughed softly, "Okay. Yeah. I recognize your voice now."

"I know. And I know we've had a few … matches together … I wanted to call and … just say that I don't have any bad feelings about it. Maybe we could even be, oh, I don't know – friends?"

"Friends, huh?" It sounded as if he were smiling as he said it.

"Well …," Kuja made his best effort to be nice. He couldn't help but giggle. "I know – do you want to have dinner with me tonight? Something that's no big deal. I haven't eaten dinner yet …."

"Dinner …," Mr. Hot and Gorgeous seemed to be thinking about it. "Yeah, I can do dinner. Just tell me where and when."

The pretty male had to suppress a fit of giggling, "Oh, okay!"

Five minutes later all the details had been worked out. Kuja hit the End button, his cheeks blushing hot pink. Finally – score! He had one more quick call to make and then –

What to wear? He didn't want his intentions to be too obvious. While bare ass naked could be a very good thing, sometimes wearing just the right outfit, leaving more to the imagination, was better. He toweled his hair and hopped off the bed, draping the wet towel over a chair by the fire. He hadn't noticed at all that there was someone sitting on the other side of the fireplace, in the shadows. Kuja screamed when he saw the man and pulled his thick white bathrobe tighter around his little body.

"How long have you been here?"

Gabranth. Sitting back and being amused.

"Long enough," he said coolly. "So – who's the victim?"

"Shut up," Kuja said. He continued to his double walk-in closet on the other side of the room. On one wall he had a whole rack that was short skirts only. He told his date he'd meet him in an hour, and even then that was pushing it. His hair needed to be brushed carefully, and he still needed to check his nails. For a first date he chose a short white skirt with a pink ruffle around the bottom. The skirt was so short it was more like a belt. A long-sleeved bolero shirt in matching colors went with the skirt. It was so tight that his nipples could be seen through the white fabric stretched across his chest.

Perfect.

Under the skirt he'd wear a pair of black boy legs, and then black stockings and a different pair of leather boots. He wanted more of his legs to show. His legs were almost his best asset.

Almost.

As soon as he pulled the low-rise boy legs up over his thighs he turned in the mirror to check his best asset.

Very nice.

Forty minutes later he was ready to go, and that was rushing it. He came out of the bathroom brushing his hair.

"Are you still here?" He said to Gabranth. There was no doubt what he wanted. But Kuja wasn't satisfied with the way he was being treated by the bigger man.

"You are such a whore," Gabranth said to the pretty black mage, smirking.

"Don't be here when I get back," he said and left, slamming the door behind him.

He had a date with Firion and he didn't want to be late.

A/N: What do you think? This won't be a hugely long story - maybe around 4 or 5 chapters. And I really don't know who Kuja will end up with yet. I'll just keep writing it out and see where it goes. Thx for reviewing!