A short AU story in which Dan and Blair are sometimes friends, sometimes enemies, and sometimes fierce rivals at W Magazine. As I mentioned, I keep coming up with story ideas for them so I decided to make one of them into a mini story while I'm in between chapters with Delicate. I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading!
To: W Magazine Staff
From: Florencia Gianniotti
Subject: New Position Opening
Dear Valued Staff,
I am pleased to announce a new position has opened. W Magazine is currently accepting applications, internal and external, for the position of Senior Features Editor. Applications are due by March 12th. More details regarding the position and its requirements can be found on the company careers page.
Best of luck to those of you who apply.
Florencia
To: Dan Humphrey
From: Blair Waldorf
Subject: Promotion is Mine, Humphrey
Humphrey,
I can see you even from here polishing off your padfolio and prepping your resume. Might as well preemptively warn you that the promotion is mine. When I get it, I think I'll be your boss, right? That should be fun :)
PS Are we still on for drinks at King Cole?
To: Blair Waldorf
From: Dan Humphrey
Subject: RE: Promotion is Mine, Humphrey
Not at this rate.
Are you so overconfident that you intend to submit your resume as is? I see you already packing up your desk for you move to a private office. Thanks for making this easy for me Waldorf. I can't wait to be your boss.
PS Actually, scratch that. We are still on for drinks. I am not opposed to encouraging you being overserved and hindered in your work performance tomorrow when you roll in hungover.
To: Dan Humphrey
From: Blair Waldorf
Subject: RE: RE: Promotion Is Mine, Humphrey
Ha, try to disadvantage me all you want. I'll win, no matter what. Although maybe I should let you think you have the upperhand…
DH: Hacking my LinkedIn? That's a new low for you
BW: And what are you referring to?
DH: "Dan Humphrey: Former Assistant Editor at W Magazine."
BW: Oh… That…
DH: Not even going to try to deny it?
BW: Maybe don't set your password to something even your cabbage patch kid could crack. cedric123, really?
DH: I never should have told you about Cedric
BW: OR JUST DON'T SET SUCH OBVIOUS PASSWORDS?
DH: Okay, well can you tell me what you changed the password to? I'd like to fix your "updates" before someone sees, like maybe my boss
BW: Wouldn't guessing it be so much more satisfying?
DH: Not if I'm jobless and unable to even search for new employment opportunities because my former coworker schemed her way into what should have been my job and now doesn't even have the decency to help out a former friend
BW: Run-on
DH: Because grammar editing is really what I need right now?
DH: PASSWORD
DH: PLEASE
BW: Maybe if I wasn't your "former friend" I'd give it to you
DH: Frenemy?
BW: Nope
DH: Fine, friend but only if you give the password
BW: You're no fun
BW: But fine
BW: It's…
DH: ?
Blair Waldorf is offline.
BW: Just kidding.
BW: It's: danhumphreyneedsabetterpassword
DH: You're not serious
BW: I am
DH: Are that many characters even allowed in a password?
BW: Apparently
DH: Well, thank you for finally providing it. Off to go fix the fun mess you left for me
BW: 😊
Dan Humphrey is offline
To: Blair Waldorf
From: Dan Humphrey
Subject: Thought You Might Be Interested…
Hey,
Just thought I'd pass along this job opportunity your way, since you know you're after a senior editor position but the current opening will clearly be filled by me. Anyways, Teen Vogue needs a new Accessories Editor. Seems right up your alley, your job will literally be to preach about headbands so I think all you'll need to do is snap a photo of your extensive headwear collection and the job will be yours.
I will miss mocking Epperly's demands with you though. Did I tell you she asked me for a nonfat almond milk latte today? Does she realize there is no such thing as nonfat almond milk? Probably not considering I didn't correct her and proceeded to bring her what she believed to be a nonfat almond milk latte.
PS Lunch at Freemans?
To: Dan Humphrey
From: Blair Waldorf
Subject: RE: Thought You Might Be Interested…
So how exactly did you come across that listing for that position? Already starting your job hunt because you know you won't be able to handle me being your boss? I didn't realize you would surrender so easily.
And seriously, Freemans? You really think I'd willingly go to that hipster haven? Lunch at anywhere that flannel shirts and beards are banned sounds great to me. Sushi Ko, Kopitiam, Sauce, or Kiki's will all suit me just fine.
To: Blair Waldorf
From: Dan Humphrey
Subject: RE: RE: Thought You Might Be Interested…
Kiki's. But I'm not sharing my tzatziki.
DH: We have a problem
BW: Your hair? I agree, you should book an appointment to get it fixed ASAP.
DH: 😑
DH: I guess I will share my news with someone who doesn't immediately insult me before they've even had a chance to hear my intel that might just benefit them.
BW: Fine, sorry. Go ahead.
Dan Humphrey has signed off.
To: Dan Humphrey
From: Blair Waldorf
Subject: Your Hair
Humphrey, I'm kidding. Your hair looks lovely. I just love those curly tendrils. I'm sorry...
Now dish the dirt.
DH: Ugh, I suppose that so-called apology will do.
DH: So, while we've been busy trying to ensure one another doesn't get the job, we've totally overlooked the other candidates.
BW: Who? Don't tell me you're honestly worried about Maisie from Digital? She's too busy taking selfies to even get write a cover letter.
DH: Not internal. External.
BW: How do you know who the external candidates are? Spill.
DH: It pays off having friends in HR.
BW: I prefer to make enemies, not friends.
DH: Trust me, I know.
DH: Anyways
DH: Harper Grenswick
DH: She is the Senior Features Editor for a competitor magazine and apparently she's submitted her resume as of yesterday at 6:15 PM.
BW: But why would she take it? It's a lateral move. What's the incentive?
DH: Higher pay, she wants W to persuade her to make the move.
BW: I'll take care of it.
DH: I smell a scheme brewing.
BW: Of course you do, I'm not going to let this bitch take our job.
DH: Our job?
BW: It rightfully belongs to you or me. No one else.
BW: I'm off now to scheme. Dorota's breaking out the whiteboard and digging up dirt as we speak.
DH: Just don't do anything illegal. I don't want to have to come bail you out of jail at 3 AM.
BW: I'll try not to.
Blair Waldorf is offline.
Text Message from Dorota Kishlovsky to Blair Waldorf
Miss Blair, will this work for scheme?
(Photo Message)
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dorota Kishlovsky
You never let me down Dorota. That is PERFECT.
To: Harper Grenswick
From: Anonymous
Subject: An Intriguing Photo Which Poses A Question
Harper,
Please see attached. Is that how you secure all of your jobs?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
To: W Magazine
From: Harper Grenswick
Subject: Recindication of Application
Dear Hiring Editor,
I regret to inform you I am rescinding my application for the position of Senior Features Editor. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Best,
Harper Grenswick
BW: It's taken care of.
DH: Oh no, do I even want to know how? Or will that make me an accomplice?
BW: Can't discuss online. Meet me at the cafe in 5.
Blair Waldorf is offline.
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dan Humphrey
The movie is about to start! Where's my popcorn?
Text Message from Dan Humphrey to Blair Waldorf
Your popcorn?
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dan Humphrey
Hurry up, someone just tried to sit in your seat for the fifth time. Also, why can't people take a hint? If a jacket is covering a seat clearly it's taken. And if I put my purse on the other seat opposite me, obviously I don't want anyone sitting there. Next time, we're renting and watching at your place.
Text Message from Dan Humphrey to Blair Waldorf
Thank you for so defiantly warding off any seat stealers. This line finally moved, paying now for my popcorn and then I'll be there.
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dan Humphrey
*our popcorn
BW: Application is in. Now, just waiting on the formal announcement of my new job title.
DH: Sounds like you got yours in a bit late Waldorf, mine has been in since today at 6 AM.
BW: This is why you're my nemesis.
DH: Your nemesis?
DH: Do you always spend your Sundays cozy at the movie theater with your so-called nemesis?
BW: You call swatting your hand away from the popcorn cozy?
DH:
BW: Well, may the best candidate win.
DH: Indeed.
Dan Humphrey is offline.
To: W Magazine Staff
From: Florencia Gianniotti
Subject: Announcement of New Fashion Editor
Dear Valued Staff,
While many of you are still eager to hear the results of the Senior Features Editor search, we in the meantime have another announcement to make. I am pleased to share that we have a new Fashion Editor. Blair Waldorf, former Associate Editor, is taking over for Kiana Curtis as she is on maternity leave. Congratulations, Ms. Waldorf, the team is very pleased to have your expertise guiding our fashion department.
Florencia
DH: What the fuck
BW: Why, thank you for the congratulations.
DH: I am so confused.
BW: I suppose you would be.
DH: I thought you wanted the Senior Features Editor spot. I didn't even know that there was an opening for Fashion Editor.
BW: It was being kept quiet. They only wanted a temporary replacement for Kiana until she comes back from maternity leave.
DH: But then what will happen to you? I don't see you going back to slumming it as an associate after that.
BW: I was told I would be allocated another position of equal status.
DH: The Senior Features Editor?
BW: No, they need to fill that now. So don't worry Humphrey, it's still yours.
DH: What makes you so sure I'll get it?
BW: If they didn't choose you, then I'd clearly be working for a company with an inane hiring department. So obviously that won't be the case.
DH: Your sudden support of me in that position is astounding me.
BW:
BW: You are really dim sometimes.
DH: Thanks
BW: I only pretended to compete with you for it so you would work harder for it. Let's hope that plan pays off.
DH: Well, first, let's celebrate your promotion before we start worrying about that. Champagne at The Plaza tonight?
BW: Make it tomorrow night. We should know by then if we will be celebrating both of us.
DH: Okay but even if I don't get it, we're going.
BW:
Blair Waldorf is offline.
To: Dan Humphrey
From: Florencia Gianniotti
Subject: Senior Features Editor
Mr. Humphrey,
We would like to formally offer you the position of Senior Features Editor. The hiring panel was pleased with both your cover letter and subsequent interviews. We feel you would bring a fresh perspective while making the transition smoothly. Please let us know your decision as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Florencia
To: Blair Waldorf
From: Dan Humphrey
Subject: FW: Senior Features Editor
Is this real or did you hack her email to play a prank on me?
Forwarded Message
To: Dan Humphrey
From: Florencia Gianniotti
Subject: Senior Features Editor
Mr. Humphrey,
We would like to formally offer you the position of Senior Features Editor. The hiring panel was pleased with both your cover letter and subsequent interviews. We feel you would bring a fresh perspective while making the transition smoothly. Please let us know your decision as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Florencia
BW: CONGRATULATIONS!
BW: PS That's how you congratulate someone of their new job. Not with a "What the fuck"
DH: 😊
BW: So it looks like we will be celebrating both of us tomorrow night, afterall.
DH: I'm looking forward to it. 7 PM? I want to stop at home first. I can pick you up from yours afterward.
BW: Sounds good.
DH: Perfect. It's a date, then.
BW: Is it?
DH: Of course, it is.
Dan Humphrey is offline.
Text Message from Dorota Kishlovsky to Blair Waldorf
Miss Blair! You been hacked!
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dorota Kishlovsky
What are you talking about Dorota?
Text Message from Dorota Kishlovsky to Blair Waldorf
Someone hack you and Photoshop you and Brooklyn Boy together in Instagram. See?
(Photo Message)
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dorota Kishlovsky
Lol. Dorota I haven't been hacked. I posted that.
Text Message from Dorota Kishlovsky to Blair Waldorf
But caption has heart emoji? And you practically kissing Brooklyn Boy in it.
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dorota Kishlovsky
I know, Dorota, I posted it, remember?
Text Message from Dorota Kishlovsky to Blair Waldorf
But he's your arch anemone… Pistols at dawn you say.
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dorota Kishlovsky
Nemesis, not a sea plant Dorota. Anyways, love and hate are easy to confuse.
Text Message from Dorota Kishlovsky to Blair Waldorf
Love?! 😲
Text Message from Blair Waldorf to Dorota Kishlovsky
Gotta run, Dorota, Dan and I are going to brunch now. Thanks for checking on me 😘
END :)