Hello sgsin, friend of a friend... sorry. I just watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Wanna know what else I've been watching. Grey's anatomy. I know what your think... duh. Who wouldn't? But here's the skinny on why I shared that with you. The music in Grey's is... amazing. To say the least. Even if I don't know a particular song, I want to after the episode. And as such my itunes library has expanded exponetially since I fell in love with Grey's a few months back. But the real reason is that there are three songs that I just can't get out of my head, all of which are used in this fic for entertainment purposes only. If you don't know the songs, any of them, give them a listen. They are all worth listening to.
The songs used, in order are: The Weakness in Me by Joan Armatrading. Broken by Lifehouse - as seen in Se4Ep11 "Lay Your Hands On Me", Am I Still The One? - Daniel Powter as seen in Se5Ep 11 "Wish You Were Here". Drifitng Further Away - Powderfinger as sin in Se5Ep13 "Stairway to Heaven" and Pray by Justin Bieber. (You can feel free to skip the last one... if I weren't in love with the song I might skip it as well.)
Please tell me what you think of my monoloque. It's the part I'm most unsure about. Also, this story really has no bearing on anything. I just had an idea... and wanted to share. I love you guys. Keep on keeping on.
Happy hunting - rawpotato
"They say that it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. I don't know who they are, but unfortunately, they were right. When you've lost love, you rue the day you found it, you wish that it had never come to you. But the reason it hurts so bad, the reason that we rue the lost love, is because we knew what love was in the first place. We had to know the light that is love, to fully understand the darkness that is lost love. And whether we try to light the dark with meaningless sex, tequila, tears or whatever we choose, we know that it's still dark because we still feel the love. The part that sucks, is that we just want the love back. But it's hard, because once we've lost the light, all we see is dark. And the hardest part of losing love, is finding your way back."
Callie Torres had her iPod on her. She knew that she was breaking a couple of hospital rules, but she couldn't muster the strength to care. Or rather, she couldn't spare the strength to care. All of her strength had gone into putting one foot in front of the other, taking another breath, and avoiding the one person in the world that she would rather not avoid.
Also the person that she would blame, at least inwardly, if she got caught with the music player.
But she was discreet, only playing it when not with a patient, even taking the ear bud from her ear while dealing with patients, and always hiding the blue piece of machinery when the chief was near.
Yep, blue. Blue was the color of her iPod, it has been a gift to herself as a reminder of the eyes that she loved to look into. It was even engraved on the back, her initials, and the Ped's surgeons initials, for she refused to say the name since the namesake had come back from Africa, enclosed in a triangle. The Ped's surgeon had once shared a secret with her when they had shared a intimate moment and a few passionate embraces in a bathroom, where graffiti lined the walls.
"When you love someone," the blonds perky voice reached her ear on a whisper, as Callie started her own graffiti of their initials on the wall, "Enough to graffiti their initials on a bathroom wall, don't draw a heart." Callie stopped and turned her face to the other woman's and looked for a hint of teasing. All she saw was seriousness as the sharpie in her hand was pulled away, and her eyes were drawn back to the wall where they had been previously, and watched as the hands she loved finished her art work.
"Hearts break. Draw a triangle instead. Triangles are the strongest geometric shape there is."
Callie sighed, running her finger over the inscription and turned the volume up louder, hoping to drown the memories with music.
She'd made a playlist that night, the night she shut the door, and had scarcely listened to anything else. It was sad really, she was well aware, that she was allowing her life to be ruled by the four songs currently on repeat, but she was sad. So sad she would allow herself to be.
And not sad in the 'woe is me' emotionally sad, sad in the way that she ignored the whispers and the stares and the finger pointing, social outcast kind of way. Not that it was any different to how she had been living for the last few months, this was just more of an indifferent kind of ignoring.
I'm not the sort of person, that falls
in and quickly out of love.
But to you, I gave my affection
right from the start.
The first, and possibly the most depressing of the bunch, The Weakness In Me, by Joan Armatrading. There were so many lines and phrases and whatever else were the anatomy of songs that spoke to her. Or screamed at her that they were one in the same. Though often the tables should be reversed and flipped to the Ped's surgeon, Callie felt an overwhelming desire to hit reverse every time it was ending.
Because if the song was ending, it meant that her and you know who were ending, and though you know who had said they were over, Callie knew that they would never be over. Because, as the song said, "you make me love when I don't want to," and Callie didn't want to love her anymore, but she also knew that she would. She would love the blond hair, the blue eyes, the dimples and the pure awesome that was... The Peds Surgeon, until she died.
Whether she wanted to or not.
"Torres!" Called her best friend Mark. Who'd finally gotten his act together and kissed Little Grey. The idiot. Better late than never, but she would never say this to his face, for fear of being called out as the hypocrite that she was. Because if she were honest with herself, which she never really was, she wanted to kiss the ped's surgeon.
"Yes Mark?" She asked dryly, pulling the ear bud from her ear, and turning to face the man, and his perpetually smiling face.
Sometimes, she really wanted to smack him, and his smiles. But she wouldn't, because he was happy and she couldn't begrudge him his happiness. She was hypocritical, not petty and small.
Or petty and small outwardly at least.
"I was wondering..." He started, hesitantly, giving Callie enough time to turn him down, before he even asked her to go to Joe's for the umpteenth time.
"No." She said, louder than she meant, causing his smile to falter for half a second before it returned full force.
"Jumping the gun much?" He asked, a light punch to her should, causing Callie to roll her eyes. "No I was going to say, would you like to join me and Lexie, at a party, at our house, a sort of... 'Surprise, you're married and stuff..." party."
Callie raised her eyebrows.
"So the name needs work. But Altman and Henry need a party Mark Sloan style, and sorry to bring this up," Callie tensed knowing what he was going to say. "as someone who's eloped and been the subject of gossip for a quickie wedding, you'll be the perfect person to calm her nerves about the marriage."
She was wrong. Not entirely, but she'd thought he'd bring her up, and then she would really have smacked him.
"Will," She paused, gathering her strength to say the name. Just because she couldn't say it to herself, or think it, didn't mean that Mark needed to know that. "Will," she coughed, pausing to start again. "Arizona." God, she hated how right it felt to say the blonds name again. "Will Arizona be there?"
"I hadn't thought of that." He said honestly, running his hand through his salt and pepper hair, face scrunched into a thinking scowl. Arizona, of course now that she'd said it out loud she couldn't stop it from rolling around in her head, Arizona Daniel Robbins. She'd always thought it was funny that Arizona had a boy's name for a middle name, it was just another of the things she loved about the distinctly feminine woman. A woman who's middle name was Daniel, after her father.
"I suppose she will be. She is Altman's best friend." He said, a disparaging tone in his voice, and finally his smile dropped. Breaking Callie's heart for him at the same time.
"Look, I know you're just looking out for me." She started, he'd run interference for her the last few weeks, he'd steered her down a side hall or into a room just as Arizona rounded the corner, sparing Callie the awkward encounter that she was dreading. "So here, I'll come, and since I'm just across the hall, I'll leave if it gets too bad."
Callie saw his smile reappear and it brought out one of her own, the first real smile she'd worn in what felt forever, causing his to widen even more. He wrapped his long arms around him, and she stiffened at first, then remembered that she was with Mark, and he was the one that would never leave her, and she relaxed into him, allowing herself this one moment of comfort.
They separated wordlessly and just as she was about to stuff the ear bud back in her ear, when Mark grabbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead, like he was her big brother. "Good to see you smile Torres."
[GA][GA][GA]
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
there is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
That was all she could do these days. Her iPod sat in its dock, charging for another full day of running and avoidance tomorrow, yet still playing her playlist. Though she was sure the artist meant good by this song, Callie couldn't find it. All she could feel was the slow melody as she searched through her closet for something to wear to the party.
Not that she planned on staying for a long time. She'd make her appearance. Kiss Mark's cheek, give Little Grey a hug, congratulate Teddy and Henry and then get out of there. Possibly while stealing a bottle of Tequila on her way out. But she knew she had to try to look like she'd put in effort, she did tell Mark that she would try. And trying is what she would do.
And if a certain pediatric surgeon was there, and saw her looking fabulous, no harm would come. Just as long as the peds surgeon didn't look as good as Callie knew that she did, that would be awful. Though Callie knew it would be awful either way, because she seen Arizona in the morning, no make-up, no prep time and still she was the most beautiful thing in the world.
She changed her mind. She wouldn't go. She didn't know if Arizona would be there or not, but the chance was just too great.
Flopping down on her bed, she pulled out her phone and texted Mark.
Sorry Mark. :( I won't be coming tonight. Hug the happy couple for me. - C
Placing the blackberry by her head, she closed her eyes and let the rhythm of the music wash over her, to the tune of all the times the ped's surgeon had taken her breath away. She was lingering on the day of Alex and Izzie's wedding, the blue dress bringing out her eyes, and the way her normally curly hair was straightened, adding length and a large measure of attractiveness that Callie had had a hard time dragging her eye's away from.
Her phone beeped twice and she picked it up, knowing that Mark replied without even having to look.
Blondie is chatting it up with Derek. Meet me in the hall? One drink? I promise. - M
Callie sighed, she couldn't deny him this when she'd broken her promise to him already. Thumbing a quick reply, she got off the bed and pulled on just a simple jeans and t-shirt. She didn't need to look fabulous for the hall or Mark.
Five minutes later she stood in the hall, the door to Mark's apartment open and full of people that she new. Her own door was open, and that is where she stood, in the doorway. From the angle she could just make out a head of blond hair that was talking to perfect hair, and she knew that she had to move. The hair called to her, spoke to her, begged her fingers to run themselves through it. But she couldn't move. After so long of not seeing her, all she could do was stare. Though her mind screamed to move, spare herself the longing and ache of pain that came with it, her heart stood resolute, just looking at the hair she knew was softer and silkier than it looked.
"I assumed you'd want tequila." Mark's voice dragged her eyes away from the hair and onto him, and the full bottle of liquor he held and the two shot glasses.
"Who wouldn't." She deadpanned pack, holding out her hand for the promised drink.
"Good question." He said, offering her the small glass and filling it to the brim. "To Altman and Henry."
Instead of responding, she clinked her glass with his and downed the shot, closing her eyes against the burn of the alcohol. When she came out, she had every intention of the one drink and going back to her music, but she found herself holding the small glass out for another.
No words were needed between them as Mark refilled both of their glasses and he held his up again.
"Toast?" He asked, and Callie just looked at him. Taking a peek over his shoulder she saw that the blond curls were gone, and Derek was now talking with someone else.
"Tequila?" She offered, and Mark clinked her glass with his as they downed their second shot.
And I still see you reflection
inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose,
they're still looking for life
Eventually they sat on the floor, across the hall, feet mingling and their supply of tequila slowly dwindling as they toasted and drank, or just drank when no toast's came to them anymore. Callie knew that she was drunk, knew that because all she saw was Arizona, oops, there's her name again, in her vision. Looking beautiful in a silky purple top, and a sad smile gracing her face.
"Mark?" She slurred to the opposite wall, finding him to be gone.
"He's not here." Even Arizona's voice was back, but Callie was sure that couldn't be her, because Arizona was inside.
"Well, where is he?" She asked the blond vision in front of her, confused by the copious amounts of alcohol running through her system.
"I dunno." Now Callie was sure that she wasn't hallucinating because she could smell Arizona too. The sweet citrusy smell that was distinctly Arizona, which evoked a smile on her face, breathing in the smell of her ex-lover.
"You smell good." Was all Callie could think to say, leaning closer to the other woman and breathing deeply.
"You smell like tequila." the words came on a laugh.
"That's because I'm drunk." She yelled, probably a bit louder than she had intended to.
"I can see that." Callie knew that she wasn't supposed to be happy being where she was, she was supposed to be mad at Arizona, because Arizona had left her, but she didn't care. Arizona was here now, looking all smiley and dimpled and all Callie wanted to do was kiss her.
Or throw up, she couldn't be sure.
She burped slightly, and knew that it was definitely the latter. "Oh... I'm gonna throw up."
Before she knew what was happening, Callie was in Arizona's arms being led to the bathroom and directed at the toilet. She just made it in time as the first wave of reappearing alcohol made it's presence known.
Her mind started going in and out of memories, Arizona holding her hair back while she threw up, a cool glass of water pressed into her hand, a soft hand on her back rubbing soothing circles, then again, before she knew what was happening, Callie was tucked into bed, a basket beside her, a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin on the bedside table.
Then, as she felt the overwhelming wave of sleep take over her, the last thing she remembered saying was, "Stay..."
[GA][GA][GA]
I was still there in your shadow
Just to understand your pain
But when I needed you
That much you look the other way
There's nothing left but emptiness
It's all been said and done
I know you want me to believe that
I am still the one
Callie awoke, head throbbing, and heart aching. Her iPod was still playing, but now it was turned down, and above it she could hear the sounds of someone moving around in her kitchen. Her first instinct was to grab her phone and call Mark, but she couldn't find her phone. Her second instinct was to run into the bathroom and lock there.
Jumping up her head started pounding, and the room started spinning causing her to misstep and run into the bed, which in her confused, disoriented and dizzy state to fall over, crashing onto her butt on the floor. "Ow!" She screamed, and instantly regretted it, the noise causing her head to throb.
Suddenly Arizona was in front of her, causing Callie's heart to stop dead for an instant, then speed to double time drumming a rapid staccato beat in her chest.
"What are you doing here?" She whispered, afraid to speak lest her head throb, and more importantly in case she was dreaming and the Arizona in front of her would disappear.
"You asked me to stay." Callie sighed, letting go the breath that she hadn't know she was holding. This wasn't a dream. She knew that she shouldn't be feeling like this. Like her world had finally righted itself now that Arizona was in what had once been their room. That her blond hair was falling over her shoulder in a curtain, and a few flyaway strands covered part of her face, which was lined with concern and something else that Callie couldn't place in her hung over state of mind.
"Did I?" She asked, hoping that it was both true and not at the same time.
In response all she got was a nod, a smile and a glass of water and an aspirin, all of which she took with a smile of her own, elated that Arizona had stayed, yet dismayed at what she must be thinking of Callie's drunken mess.
Finishing off the water, Callie watched as Arizona placed the glass back on the table and came back and offered her hands to Callie, a silent offer of help. Callie knew it was a bad idea, knew that touching her could only make their parting that much more difficult, but she didn't care. Slipping her hands into Arizona's, Callie felt the familiar jolt of electricity to flow between them, wondering if Arizona could feel it too.
Her question was answered as azure eyes met her brown, and she could see all the things she was feeling. As their hands dropped so did their eyes, and suddenly the moment changed from intimate and close to suffocating and intense. As Callie tried to step away, her body swayed, and she almost fell, would have if it were not for Arizona's hands on her waist, instantly stabilizing her.
Callie felt Arizona's forearms under her own hands, and heard the sharp intake of breath as their bodies were closer than they had been in a very long while. Allowing her eyes to drift back to Arizona's, Callie felt the electricity build between them once again, and closed her eyes as Arizona did the same. She didn't know who moved first, but suddenly her forehead rested against Arizona's, the hands on her waist holding tighter, her own hands gripping tightly, her entire body afraid to let go.
She didn't know how long they stood that way. Breath mingling, heart beats racing, temperatures rising, but just as she was about to give into the urge to kiss the lips that she'd been missing something farce, her pager went off.
They sprang apart quickly, Arizona running into the dresser, Callie bumping into the bed as if they couldn't get far enough away from each other. Grabbing the offending device after crawling over the bed she looked at it and sighed, 911 - Bailey, Bailey knew that it was her day off, and Callie knew that he friend and the imposing, though short, woman wouldn't page unless it was dire.
Tell me that you'll never leave me again
Are you sorry?
Tell me that you'll never leave me again
Are you sorry?
"I've got to go." She said, walking around the room to grab the essentials. Phone, pager, keys and purse, refusing to look at Arizona for fear of kissing her.
"Me too." Arizona did her own collection of belongings.
They walked towards the door, rode the elevator down and made it to the outside of the building with saying a word, or the silence being anything but awkward, and as Callie headed for the hospital across the street and Arizona towards her car. Callie stopped and called over her shoulder.
"Arizona." The blond just turned and looked at her, face impassive but their eyes locked and Callie knew that she was just as bothered by this turn of events as she was. "Thanks. For taking care of me."
She left without waiting for a response, not hearing the whispered, "I take care of the things I love." That Arizona responded with, or seen the smile that accompanied the words.
[GA][GA][GA]
Callie sighed. It had been two weeks since her drunken escapade into the land of tequila and asking Arizona to stay. And she almost wished for a repeat performance. Not the tequila, or the throwing up, or the awkward escape/running away, but the tender intimate moments where Arizona took care of her, held her, stayed and most importantly, was there in the morning.
Which is what Callie missed the most. Arizona being there.
And she knew it wasn't just any warm body in her bed. Her brief tryst with Mark had proved that to her. As she lay in his bed after that session of sexual sorbet, she knew that it was Arizona that she would need. She missed her warmth, her light snores, the way she would thrash in the throes of a bad dream, but calm down as Callie wrapped her tightly and whispered soothing words to her. But most of all, the waking up with her. Because Arizona was a morning person, Callie was not, and that smile, those endlessly blue eyes and the dimples that she loved always made mornings more bearable.
Cause every word and every turn and every sign points to your hurt
With every hour you're drifting further away
But nothing in those two past weeks. Well not nothing, Callie corrected herself. Soft glances of longing and desire through a crowded ER, of which the irony was not lost on Callie. The gentlest of touches as they worked together on the same patient, the latex gloves doing nothing to stop the electric current pass through them. Or the gentle smiles shared over meals at separate tables in the cafeteria, or the one, intense elevator ride where all Callie wanted to do was kiss her.
Yes, it was the same elevator. The elevator where Derek and Meredith got engaged, where they, Callie and Arizona, decided to go on their first date, where Arizona kissed Callie after their first break up.
It was the elevator. Surrounded by mystery and urban legend within the halls of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, it's magic for romance not lost on the patrons and employees.
Nor on Callie as she reminisced about the history of the elevator, as she rode by herself.
The bell dinged and Arizona stepped on, a smile on her face as she spoke with someone outside of Callie's eye line.
"Hey." She said, meeting Callie's eye and stepping on.
"Hey." Callie replied back, this scene eerily familiar.
But she didn't call her name this time, only felt a giddy sense of anticipation well within her as they inched closer. Then, before anything happened, the bell dinged and Lexie Grey stood outside the open doors. Callie and Arizona both stepped away from each other, averting their gazes.
Callie looked at Lexie as she looked stricken, and confused. Her little stutter step as she tried to decide wither to ride or not, and just as the doors started to close, she hopped in, standing between the two older surgeons, fidgeting nervously.
"So..." the young resident started, hesitation in her voice and a look of intense fear on her voice as she looked between the two of them.
"Don't." Both Callie and Arizona said at the same time, the moment lost and they were back to the awkward silence.
Come make your peace
Come fine your way
Come lay your wreath at the altar of change
Don't lose your step
Don't break the bones
Don't shoulder your burden out there on your own
The door dinged open on the ground floor and closed it's magic as all three surgeons went their own directions. Callie went to the left, towards the ER, where she knew that Mark would be.
"What's the word Torres?" Mark asked, the first thing he said as he saw her.
"I have a problem." She stated bluntly, hoping that he would get her drift, and take this conversation elsewhere, the ER empty and dead as Owen paced, absentmindedly strumming his guitar, a fact that never ceased to amaze Callie.
Mark nodded his understanding and grabbed her hand, pulling her into the nearest on-call room, and locking the door behind them. "Tell me everything."
"Arizona." She jumped right to the point.
"Ah." Callie knew that this was the biggest understatement of the year.
"I'm just so mad at her." She said, the trademark anger at the statement noticeably absent from the words themselves.
"Understandable." He said, once again nodding her to go on. "Except?" He prompted.
"Except... all I wanna do is kiss her." Callie knew that this was the main part of her problem. She was mad at Arizona, was mad at her for leaving, for coming back, for just being her damn perky self, the butterflies on her scrub cap. But most of all she was mad at the blond for being so kissable.
Callie knew that she didn't really want to kiss Arizona, who's name she was back to using, well she wanted to, but it was more of an experimental want. Like an experiment. A need to test a hypothesis. Or just a need.
"I think about her when she's not around. The madness, the kissing all that. And when she is around, all I can do is stare at her lips. It's like..." Well it's like she a horny teenager with a giant crush that would just not abate. But she couldn't think of an eloquent way to say it.
"It's like all you wanna do is yell and scream and maybe give her a good swift kick to the ass, but you still love her and no matter what she's done, no matter how mad you are it doesn't take away from the fact that you still love her, because you still love her." He had a knowing look on his face as her said the words, and Callie knew that he knew what he was talking about. Behind the man-whore, I am God's gift to women, exterior he was really a nice guy. A nice guy who knew what he was talking about.
"So you're saying I should kiss her?" She questioned.
"I'm saying that you still love her and it's complicated."
"So... no kissing?" She couldn't help but be a little disappointed by that.
"To kiss or not to kiss, that is the question." Mark sighed and moved to sit on the bed with her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and she instantly leaned against him, loving the man for who he was, and glad that they had become good friends. "I'm saying kiss blondie, but make sure you're kissing her because you love her, and not because it's all you can think of."
[GA][GA][GA]
It was the first time that Callie wasn't listening to her iPod in a really long time. Getting back on the elevator, she sighed when she noticed she was alone. She had hoped that Arizona would be on it, but the elevator's magic for romance seemed to be on hiatus for the time being.
The ding signalled a stop and Callie couldn't stop the smile that spread her cheeks as the woman she had been thinking about stepped on, and they were once again alone.
"Hey." Callie started, smiling, once again thinking the elevator gods that this was the slowest elevator in the entire world.
"Hey." Arizona answered back, a smile spreading her cheeks, flashing her dimples to the world and her blue eyes a glint with something as she played with something in the pockets of her lab coat.
Callie just stared, and suddenly Arizona's blue eyes were upon her, and Callie's smile faltered, Mark's words running through her head. "I'm saying kiss her..." She was going to do it.
"Calliope." Arizona whispered and Callie had no choice but to cut off her words with her own lips. She kissed Arizona deeply, passionately, through two floors of uninterrupted kissing, until they sprang apart as the door opened.
Arizona disembarked quickly, fingers to her lips and her smile once back on her face as she got out on the peds floor. The doors shut Callie in by herself, and she said a silent thank you to the elevator, pulling out her iPod once more, finally smiling at the blue and running her thumb over inscription on the back.
Bypassing the play button to her usual playlist of four songs, she hit shuffle and sighed a fresh song came on. Nodding along with the beat, allowing her anger at Arizona lo leave her as the elevator slowly moved, knowing that they had a long road to go, but that she still loved Arizona, and that Arizona, undoubtedly, still loved her.
I close my eyes, and I can see a better day
I close my eyes, and pray
I close my eyes, and I can see a better day
I close my eyes, and pray
A/N: I disclaim all rights and all that jazz to Grey's Anatomy or the five songs herein used. I disclaim them because they wouldn't be half as awesome if they were mine, so we'll leave them be. I just need to borrow them for this little piece of fiction.