Title: All or Nothing
Pairing: Olivia Benson/Brian Cassidy; Olivia Benson/Alex Cabot
Rating: K+
Author's Note: As you all know, these characters aren't mine. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.
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Chapter One
She's staring out the window at the New York City skyline again, her hands wrapped around a hot mug of tea, a throw blanket draped over her legs.
He's leaning against the kitchen counter, watching her, his heart thudding uncomfortably in his chest. He holds the little blue box tightly, as if it will disappear if he loosens his grip.
He loves her, the woman sitting on the couch. He loves her more than he ever thought was possible. He loves her fully, deeply, wholly, with every fiber of his being.
But he can feel the rift between them.
He's sharing her with a ghost, the memory of what she had with someone else – something that was truly over a decade ago and now only resembles a shell of a friendship.
Something dark unfurls in his stomach at the thought and the dangerous feeling of jealousy creeps up his spine. He shakes his head to clear his mind and stows the little box in the drawer he knows she never goes in. He quickly runs his hand through his hair and moves to sit beside her on the couch.
Her eyes are cloudy and distant and, if he looks closely, he can see the light shine of unshed tears. And he knows without a doubt that she is not thinking of him.
These are the nights that he wishes she didn't kiss him in that hospital room.
He wraps his arm around her shoulders and turns on the tv to whatever game is currently on, knowing he won't be paying attention to it.
She shifts so she is leaning against him and sighs contentedly at the warmth of his body.
He leans down, intent on kissing the top of her head, just as she tilts her head up, and their lips meet in a gentle kiss.
She deepens it, just as he expects. But he ends it, pulling back and looking back at the tv.
On these nights, he refuses to let it go further. It isn't as if he doesn't want to – Lord knows he does – he just wants her to be in the right frame of mind.
He wants her – all of her – there with him; part of her won't cut it.
She places her empty mug on the coffee table and turns her attention to the basketball game playing on the tv.
"You were thinking about her again, weren't you?" he asks, not taking his eyes off the tv.
Beside him, she sighs. "Not on purpose," she says. "She called me today."
"What did she want?" He winces at his harsh tone.
"She wants to have lunch tomorrow."
"And?"
"She's my best friend, Brian."
Brian shrugs. "You're an adult, Liv. You can make your own decisions."
Olivia sighs, running her hand through her hair. "I think I'm gonna go."
"Okay." Brian groans, pushing himself to his feet. "I'm gonna head to bed; got an early day tomorrow. How much longer will you be up?"
Olivia shrugs. "I'll be in in a little bit."
Brian nods and heads for the bedroom, stopping and turning around when Olivia calls his name.
Olivia smiles sadly. "I love you."
"Yeah, Liv," Brian says. "I know." He stands in the bedroom doorway, watching her long after she has turned around, his shoulders heavy with worry.
The feeling of finality settles over the room like a thick fog. And Brian knows come this time tomorrow night, he will have lost her.
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