My name is Anthony Edward Staffenhagen. This isn't the guy who wrote this talking. I'm a character who's based off of him. Ever since I moved to Kalos, a lot of crazy stuff has happened to me and the people and Pokémon I know. I really wish I could tell you more, but I don't remember most of it well enough. Even if I did, it would take freaking forever. However, there is one pretty important thing I can tell you about. This is the (very abridged) story of how I met my biological father. I had a stepdad too, but he died and this isn't about him.
It all started one day in 2017 when Gumball came to my universe and paid me a visit. I was the only one who could see or hear him and every time he tried to touch something, he phased through it. That's pretty good evidence that he was just my imagination, but he went missing from Elmore when I started seeing him and they found him after he left. So maybe there was some other reason he was invisible to everyone but me. We'll never know.
Anyway, he wanted to talk to me because he needed to do a report for school on someone meeting a parent they never knew. So, after he left, my single mom, Grace, started looking through her scrapbook of all her ex-boyfriends so she could remember which one was my dad. Eventually, she found the right one. Before she handed me the picture of her and my dad, I got my laptop out of my bedroom and asked her to play a YouTube video on it. The video was a scene from the SpongeBob episode Krusty Krab Training Video. I held the picture in front of me, upside-down, and slowly raised it up as the video played.
Narrator: It's time for the moment you've been waiting for! Da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da-daa, Da-da-da-da-da-da-daa Da-da-da-la-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da-daa, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, tssshh Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa-da-da a-da-daa, Ti-ta-ti-ti-ta-ti-ti-ta-ta-ta- la-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-la-ba-ba- ba-ba-da-la-ba-ba-baa, Ti-ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li-ti-taa, Ti-ta-ti-li *catches his breath* Ti-ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li- ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li-ti-ta-ti-ti- ta-ti-ti-taaaaa!
I turned the photograph over and the big smile on my face instantly turned into a frown.
Narrator: Preparing the Krabby Patty!
Me: No, no, no, no, no, no! Not him! Anyone but him!
I jumped over to the phone and called the guy who was in the photo.
Me: You, me, DNA test. NOW!
The guy from the photo and I went to the clinic to find out for sure if we really were related. I had to pee in a cup, but I didn't have to go, so I needed to buy a bunch of water bottles from a vending machine and drink them all as quickly as I possibly could. The man from the picture also peed in a cup and the people who worked there used the pee to test if we were related. When the tests were done, he walked up to me while I was sitting in the waiting room.
?: Well, the results are in. I am your father.
That man was...