WHEN THE INCH OUTMEASURES THE METER
The Truth Behind All Truths, Issue One, by Sudus Suleiman
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The Road of Tears traces the path traveled by aboriginal peoples of Eagleland, in escape, after initial contact with overseas colonists several hundred years ago, and memorializes the bones and bloodstains that run its length. From seaside Onett to bayside Fourside and every direction elsewise from there, a stain is on this country that cannot be wiped away. Ten-hundred hundred corpses litter the Road of Tears alone, and this says nothing for the blood and bone that trickle through pipes and toilets to this day. We sit on a throne of the dead now, as we celebrate a decade passing since Giygas's fall, and I have to ask you, citizens of Eagleland-- is this not queer?
The existence of these aboriginal peoples, despite what doctrine will say of their existing several hundred years ago, was not an existence at all until after the fall of Giygas. There were museums before the Giygan War, but none that concerned aborigines. There were textbooks, and there were archaeologists, but there were no aboriginal people to be studied, there were no ten-hundred hundred corpses to be found littering the countryside. The inception of the Road of Tears was the inception of Eagleland's history as it is taught today, and this was a publication of mammoth proportions that happened alongside a secondary historical publication of similarly cyclopean size.
The Moors-Hensley publishing corporation, in conjunction with branches APE and HAL of the Eagleland Regulatory Publishing Commission, released the literalization of the Giygan War's greatest heroes a mere four months after the actual conflict had ceased. The "Chosen Four"-- Ness Langley, Paula Polestar, Jeff Andonuts, and the enigmatic Poo-- were forever immortalized in the most popular novel/historical recollection of Eagleland's recent history: "Earthbound". The text traces the history of the Giygan War as seen from the perspective of Ness Langley, from the moment Methuselah IX struck the Onett countryside to the moment the Chosen Four triumphed over those nefarious evils of Giygas deep within the Cave of the Past.
Earthbound is a staple text, is distributed at immigration and emigration centers alike, is the only text certified for use in classroom discussion of the Giygan War, and somehow maintains the highest gross of any single publication in Eagleland's history despite its bearing an MSRP of "distribute freely." Earthbound is a heartwarming tale of how four children can triumph over adversity in an era when the adults should really be the ones accomplishing, and triumphing, and Earthbound's inspiratory tale single-handedly brought Eagleland out of the post-Giygan Depression and its post-Giygan depression.
The Road of Tears does not receive many tourists in this day and age because there are not many people available to make the tourist industry a viable one. A postscript in the the 1998 republication of Earthbound explains and attempts to rationalize the cowardice of the ten-hundred hundred or so adults who were called up in the first draft in Eagleland's history and chose to flee the country instead, leaving their children behind to suffer Giygas's wrath, and who opted not to return after Giygas's fall and left their children then not to suffer but to run the country by their lonesome.
Following the ten-hundred hundred vacancies created by the unanimous draft dodging, Eagleland's economy seemed crippled; fortunately, those seated in the seats of power of the land survived the conflict unscathed and were able to establish a makeshift order on the backs of child labor. Inspired by the tales of Ness Langley and co., Eagleland's children were quick to answer the call of their local congresspeoples and to take up those industrial and commercial positions held by their parents until recent extenuating and cowardly circumstances left those positions empty. Eagleland's children did not fancy themselves anything less than heroic or imagine the era anything less than fantastic because here in 2006, the children of Eagleland are living the dream, albeit a dream you will see has been programmed into them.
Recreation of the heroic deeds of Ness Langley is commonplace in this day and age as Eagleland's military now fluffs its ranks with brigades of child-psychic-child-warriors who wield those awesome powers dramaticized and novelized in that most fantastic parchment distributed haphazardly to our children. Manufacturing and commerce promise to reach new heights as an influx of goods created by child-psychic-child-gods enter the market and lo and behold, though Eagleland is at the brink of war with all its neighbors after recent diplomatic tensions exploded-- literally, and initiated by children!-- the ability to manufacture weapons and warriors a hundred times more efficient than those wielded by her enemies seems to ensure a quick and decisive victory for the fatherland; especially when those weapons and warriors are born not of factories or training but of wombs and literature.
Ten-hundred hundred corpses litter the Road of Tears but among those ten-hundred hundred bleached and/or burnt pelvises you will find a much greater percentage of masculine than feminine components and in those few and numbered houses left in Eagleland where a person older than 18 still lives you will find just the opposite. At the Motherhomes in every city you will find, despite what the name might lead you to believe, a single man of recent government import and a single bed. These are the only factories left whose maintenance is vital to the nation.
Ten-hundred hundred corpses litter the Road of Tears but were it not for the abolition of such forward-thinking backwards-thinking sciences, archaeological techniques would reveal none of these remnants of conflict are more than a dozen years old and when you are done with this series of newsletters in six-six-six days' time you will understand why; you will understand who Ness Langley and Paula Polestar and Jeff Andonuts and the enigmatic Poo really were, how they are dead now, and you will understand, most terribly of all, who Giygas was and why the Giygan War ever came to pass in Eagleland and not anywhere else.
But, most importantly of course, you will toss aside that reprehensible novel-- and it really is just a novel-- named Earthbound and you will forget the government-mandated lessons it taught you because it really is just a novel, it really is just drivel, and when you are done reading this first issue of this newsletter I urge you to find a bunker and hole up just long enough to write two more copies of it to distribute yourself before the Ness Langley of this day and age tracks you down and kills you, o modern-day aboriginee, because the Giygan War was lost though we think it was won and the spread of this newsletter will be what leads to its final conclusion, should we humans be able to ever achieve such a lofty goal when already our ranks are so twisted and perverted as such they are.
In six-six days you will find another issuing of this newsletter, The Truth Behind All Truths, and in addition to revealing further to you the truth of the past I will keep you updated on what the forming liberation army-- Mother, our mother, our last true mother-- is doing in the present in order to secure a future where the cosmic destroy Giygas does not enjoy the duplicitous rule of Eagleland he currently does, and hopefully before the entirety of this world is in his grip and crushed within it.
Rest easy, children of Eagleland, and do fear those things that go bump in the night for they are still among us, though wolves in sheepskin they may be.
--Sudus Suleiman
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The Shark Bites Back!: A Call to Arms, by Frank Fly
Survivors and patriots of Eagleland, heed this call! Mother marches from Onett the coming Sunday at high noon, no matter the opposition to come, and Mother requests you march alongside her! Join the last liberation front we will ever need, the force that will right all wrong in this country once and for all!
Your government as you know it is corrupt, Eagleland, and a pawn of Giygas-whom-we-thought-we-destroyed! March with Mother, put the beast away for good, and ensure you'll not only survive to have a family someday, but when you do, you won't have to be slaughtered fighting a war we should've fought when we had our chance, our moment of opportunity, our ambush!
The fatherland is blind to us yet, and not much longer will they be. If you do not march with Mother and you march alone, you will not march anywhere but to a grave. Unite! Walk on the Path of Tears, but not within it. You are heroes, each and all I am sure, and you should heed this cry as such!
Because I knew a hero once, I knew a hero named Ness Langley, from my very own hometown of little old Onett. I knew a true hero who, before rushing off to fight a battle far too big for himself, taught me that civil disobedience for the Hell of it was not a civil disobedience worth having.
Ness Langley taught me that the only fight worth the while is a worthwhile fight, and that is what Mother marches to. Your friends and your family died for you, Eaglelandians, and do you want that to be in vain?
March with Mother, from Onett Town Hall, this Sunday. We stand on our own feet this Sabbath, and thenceforth.
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March 12, 2006
Dear diary,
Hey, just an FYI ol' diary, I don't think I'll be writing for a while. I'm gonna check out this thing Frank is running, down from the Arcade this Sunday. He said a lot about Ness? I'm still thinking of you, buddy. I got Frank on his cell-- we couldn't talk for long, he's really busy he said, but he's gonna show me where your real body is buried.
I'll lay the hat down there, Ness. Mr. Baseball's gonna be with ya in the end!.. through the end. To the next end, ya know?
I'm sorry we didn't come with ya, Ness. The treehouse is so quiet. But we're going to set things right for you, we're night gonna leave ya alone this time!
Anyway, yeah diary, yeah Ness, I gotta split. Watch me do ya right, alright Ness? Just look for the kid with the red cap. I've grown up!.. don't be surprised. We've all grown up, which is normally just a funny way of saying we've grown apart, but it's different now.
Eagleland's grown up, Ness, and we realize now that we did ya wrong by letting ya go out there alone.
We're gonna come do ya right, Ness. We love you.
(WIP)