Its cold outside again. I sit on the window ledge and stair blankly out into the world. It is this time a year that my thoughts start to wander back to her. This time five years back she would be here with me. She would be here talking, laughing, joking with me. I start to miss her as my memories flood back to me.
Here, in this room, five years back, we would sit and talk to the early hours of the morning. Here, in this room, we would play and giggle till we could no longer breath. Here, in this room, we would think of our dreams and share our secrets. This room holds so many stories, as they say, "If these walls could talk."
I stand and shift over to the bed. The blankets are the same as they when she left them. Her bear, the one I gave her before the world ended, lays across her pillow. I pick it up and hold it to my cheek. I breathe in and her scent fills my nose. I hold the bear for a few seconds longer then place it back on to the pillow.
Turning around I go over to her dresser. There, on a mirror, are several pictures of us. In all of them she is smiling back at me. I miss her smile, her laugh. She always could make me laugh, just seeing her could make me happy. I feel the old pain rising to the surface. I no longer push it away. I accept it. I welcome it as a reminder that I am alive. The tears come next.
I sit in the middle of her room and pull my knees to me, letting the tears flow. They wash over my face leaving behind a wet line. They fall silently and stain my jeans. Finally the tears stop and I am left with an empty feeling.
My final stop is her bathroom. There laying on the counter is the item that that took my place in her heart, her razor blade. She loved that blade and would allow it to dance across her skin accompanied by her moaning song and a crimson finale. She would hide away in her bathroom and train her partner for the final dance. Five years ago she did her last performance. I still come here, every year, this time of year to remember her many lonely performances. Also to remember when I was her partner and when we would perform for the world.