Title: Confessions of a Chocoholic
Author: HolaitsCiara
Word Count: 3,265
Rated: T for my colourful use of words
Genre: Humour/Family
Main Characters: Percy, Hermes, Athena, Ares, Dionysus, Apollo, and Zeus.
Notes: This is a sequel to Just Let Me Out!, although it can stand on its own.
Disclaimed
Confessions of a Chocoholic
There's a very good reason why I'm stuck inside a coffin wearing nothing but my underwear. But before I get into any more details, let me just say that if you're one of those goody-two-shoes, then this story probably isn't for you. But then again, I am stuck inside a coffin wearing nothing but my underwear. So I probably shouldn't be telling you what to do.
Now, let me just say that I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for Hephaestus being such good friends with Poseidon. Because if it weren't for their friendship, then Hephaestus probably wouldn't have revealed to Poseidon the secret of how to open The Door, and I wouldn't have four crazy-ass immortals after my blood.
So cheers, Hephaestus, thanks for ruining the rest of my life.
::::::::::
It all started the day Hermes decided to be funny. You see, idiot Hermes thought it would be fucking hilarious to lock Athena, Ares, Dionysus, and Apollo in a room. But what idiot Hermes didn't know would happen is that my dad, Poseidon, would know how to open said room.
Now, you might be thinking 'Percy, how in the world did you get involved in all of this?' well...you'll see.
Hermes' eyes popped out of their sockets as the opening of The Door grew wider, he was deadly pale, and he stood rigid in his place. I bit back a laugh, but my attempts were a failure, and the messenger god turned to give me an icy glare.
Athena emerged, screaming bloody murder ("Hermes, I will skin you alive, throw you off Olympus, bring you back up, and then skin you alive, again!"). Behind the angry goddess (understatement of the freaking millennia), her companions stepped out. Ares looked downright pissed off (probably because he was missing a shoe), Apollo seemed exceptionally giddy (probably because he was holding a candle...don't ask), and Dionysus...well it's kind of hard to tell whether he was asleep or just drunk.
"Get him!" Athena ordered and Hermes let out a yelp. The others followed suit. Apollo ran to tackle Hermes, Mr. D stood lazily by The Door, and Ares stopped mid-punch to look at me.
"Punk, what are you doing here?" Ares growled.
"I was visiting Annabeth—"
"He helped me lock you in there!" Hermes screamed in despair.
My jaw dropped. "What? No I didn't, I just got here!"
But of course, the ever-so-hot-headed god of war couldn't see reason. "Get him, too!" he demanded.
My eyes went wide as Ares charged towards me. I looked at my dad for any sort of help, but he was gone, so were Hephaestus and Hades (thanks for having my back, you guys). Having no other alternative, I grabbed the messenger god, who was sprawled across the floor, might I add, and bolted for the throne room.
::::::::::
"I think we lost them," I panted.
"Oh, good! I need a break, my phone's been beeping nonstop," Hermes said, pulling out his blackberry to prove his point.
"Let me see that," I said, snatching his phone from him. "Oh look, you just got a message from Hades: See you soon!"
Hermes' eyes flickered with irritation and snatched the phone back. "I'll have you know that I'm Uncle's favourite. Besides, it's from the Snuggie company, they need me to pick up Ares' order."
"Ares wears a Snuggie?" I choked, leaning against the throne room door.
"As a matter of fact, he does. Especially whenever he has Britney Spears blasting through the speakers—" the sound of footsteps interrupted him and he began fumbling with the lock. "Stupid throne room! Someone seriously needs to get this lock fixed—aha! C'mon Jackson, we don't have all day!"
We ran across the throne room, much to Zeus' dismay—he was munching on his mushu while watching Jersey Shore, yelling words I never thought I'd hear the god of the heavens say ("You go, Snooki!")
"Get out of here!" he boomed, chucking his chopsticks at me.
I ducked and headed for the door labelled 'Kitchen.' I know right? Like, why the fuck is there a kitchen—
"What is this?" Hermes exclaimed. "WHAT IS THIS?"
I rolled my eyes. "Hermes what are you—oh my gods! Oh. My. Gods!" I felt my eyes leave their sockets. Right in front of us were Eros and Psyche sprawled across the kitchen counter practically doing it. Oh, scratch that, they were doing it!
"And oh my—I EAT THERE!" There was no stopping Hermes now. "Every morning I get my Cheerios and I EAT THERE—"
"Got you, you sneaky bastards!" Ares growled, tackling me to the floor. My face met the cold, hard marble and my nose made a sickening crack.
"ZEUS' BALLS! You broke my nose!" I screamed at the war god, kicking him in the nuts in retaliation.
"Holy mother of Zeus' balls!" he cursed clutching himself. "That fucking hurt!"
Well, I guess he and Aphrodite won't be getting busy for a while. I know right? Some god of war he is...
"Why are we talking about dad's balls?" Apollo interjected.
"Yeah, why are we talking about the old man's balls?" Dionysus asked.
Athena cringed at the talk about her father's balls. "Can we please stop talking about our father's genitals?"
Apollo nodded. "Athena's right! Let's talk about my balls!"
Silence.
"Okay," Apollo whistled, breaking the silence. "Let's talk about Percy's balls. I'll even sing a song while we do—"
"NO!" Ares screamed, throwing his one and only shoe at Apollo. The shoe nailed the sun god in the face before it ricocheted to hit Athena's very own, unsuspecting one.
The look on her face was like Christmas came early. Only this time, she received nothing but the occasional laundry coupons Hermes sends out. In other, less extravagant words: priceless.
Ares' eyes widened; the ember in them diminished visibly. "Athena," he said cautiously. He held out his hands in front of him as if to say 'I didn't mean it.' and then he dashed down the hall, Athena not far behind.
"What a douche," I said under my breath.
Apollo snorted. "Wait 'till you see him pout." He and Mr. D laughed as if it were some sort of inside joke.
Whatever floats their godly boats...
Mr. D cleared his throat uncomfortably. "So..." he started, "the Brat's balls, huh?"
I felt my face go red. "Can we please not talk about that?"
"Aw, c'mon kid! We've got a lifetime full of knowledge, just ask!" Apollo insisted. To my surprise Mr. D nodded in agreement.
"I really don't want to..."
Apollo sighed in defeat. "Fine. Hey, let's talk about sex!"
I froze.
Okay, I know what you're thinking 'Percy, you're such a prude, you can't even talk about sex!' yeah well...it's really none of your business!
Apollo and Mr. D burst into a fit of laughter. "What? Uncle hasn't talked to you about sex? I swear, I think his talk with Triton ruined it for him! I can only imagine how our other uncle from the south is dealing with "the talk" with little di Angelo!"
I didn't speak.
Apollo's eyes widened. "Are you having sex?"
"Okay, okay. First of all, Dad and I have talked about sex! It didn't end well... Second, it's none of your business if I'm having sex or not—"
"I heard someone say sex. Someone said sex. Who said sex? Percy, are you having sex?" Athena suddenly arrived; asking questions a mile-a-minute. I groaned. Kill me now!
"No, no, no, no," I said. "No! I mean—NO!"
Her grey eyes narrowed. I could practically see the gears in her head churn. "If I find out that you lied to me, I will feed you to Tartarus." I gulped and nodded.
"Oh and B-T-W," Ares said. "I am not a douche!"
Suddenly, all Hades broke loose. Mr. D burst out laughing, Apollo started belting out the lyrics to "I Will Always Love You," Ares was attacking a laughing Dionysus, and Athena was torturing a crying Hermes.
I could stop the story now and let you assume that all was well. Because at that moment things were well...for me anyways. But letting you assume that everything will be all right would make me a terrible person. Because the term 'All is well' is a complete and utter lie! You see, the moment I decided to leave...well... You'll never guess who I ran into.
The almighty Zeus, himself.
"Going somewhere, Percy Jackson?" he asked.
"No, are you?" I retorted.
His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What are you implying, demigod?"
"I'm not implying anything...are you?"
"No." He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, pushing me into the chaos that the other gods have created. "That's for interrupting my Jersey Shore moment earlier!" he called out.
I entered the ring of doom. Ares was wrestling Apollo, Mr. D lay passed out on the ground, and Hermes was desperately clawing for his blackberry, which Athena held away with gusto.
"Please, Athena, The Snuggie company is really unhappy with me!" Hermes begged. "Just give me my phone back!"
"Nice guys finish last, that's why I'll treat you like trash," Apollo sang. "It's not what I really want to do!"
"Shut up, Apollo!" Ares screamed, throwing the sun god across the hallway. "And stop serenading me—"
An eight-year-old girl holding a brown box walked out of the throne room and stared at all of us. I immediately recognized her. "Lady Hestia." I bowed.
"Hello Percy...and others..." she greeted with a slight nod.
"Auntie H!" Apollo hollered. "What's in the box?"
Hestia frowned. "I'm not quite sure... Poseidon just handed it to me and asked me to hold it for him."
My eyebrows rose. I didn't know why my dad would be asking Hestia to hold a box for him, and apparently I wasn't alone. Athena's grey eyes narrowed in suspicion, Apollo tilted his head to study the box, Ares scratched his head in confusion, and Dionysus muttered incoherently in his sleep.
"Well, I shall be going now," Hestia smiled and turned to leave.
"Wait!" Athena yelled. "Just tell me what's in the box. That old sea god is planning something and I don't like it."
"I'm sorry, Athena, but I have no knowledge of what's inside this box."
"Please!"
"I'm sorry Athena." Hestia gave her a sympathetic smile. "But I'm sure you'll figure something out."
Something about her tone made me feel uneasy, but I shrugged it off. With a sigh, I turned to look at Athena, who in turn, was looking at me. She had a smile on her face. And I did not like it.
"So, Percy," Athena said. "You and your father share a good relationship?"
"Um, yes?"
"Oh good!" she smiled. And then something in her facial changed. "Get him!" she said.
And so once again, I found myself running. I ran across the kitchen, where Eros and Psyche were still going strong ("Get a room, you stinking gods!"), through the throne room, and down the longest freaking marble stairs I have ever ran down. I panted as I finished the last few steps. Then, out of nowhere, I began sinking into the ground.
Great.
"How is this even possible?" I exclaimed to no one in particular, as I tried to claw my way out.
"He's getting away!" I heard Apollo yell.
"No one cares, Apollo—" I couldn't hear the rest of Mr. D's ever-so-motivating-speech as I began to sink further into the ground, wondering what in Zeus' name was going on. That was until I ended up in the Underworld.
Oh, so Frank and his ancestors are blessed with some shape shifting shit, while I'm blessed—or rather, cursed—with the most horrible luck. Thanks Dad, I can just feel the love!
"Hello, Jackson." That was my Uncle Hades' warm welcome. Told you I was loved. Note the sarcasm.
"Okay, what was that?" Did I forget to mention I was pretty much on the brink of insanity by this point? No? Well now you know.
Hades seemed slightly taken aback by this. "What? I needed to talk to you so—"
"So you what? Suffocate the living daylights out of me? Is this how you treat everyone? If so, then please just hand over your custody over Nico, because this is just not acceptable!"
"Actually, I just wanted to know what you think Nico will like for his birthday," Hades said calmly and dare I say it: sheepishly.
"Oh. Well, then you should probably just get him a box of condoms. You could never be too careful—"
I was cut off by a flying shoe, which came at my already-broken nose with surprisingly good accuracy. I howled in pain. "The next person to inflict any sort of pain on my nose will find themselves sucking Zeus' mother—"
"Don't," Athena shrieked, "even think about finishing that sentence!"
I didn't, of course. Instead, I ran.
"Hermes, he's getting away, do something!" Apollo yelled.
And let me tell you, Hermes did something, alright. You see, at that moment, the god of Thieves panicked and clicked the wrong button on his blackberry/brand-new-power-summoning-device, thus stripping me of my clothes. Thankfully, he wasn't sick enough to leave me without my underwear.
I felt my face heat up and I was vaguely aware of both Hades' and Apollo's curious eyes on me.
I know what you're thinking so don't even go there!
"Poseidon!" Athena said in a sing-song tone. "Come out if you really care about your precious son."
It took a few minutes but my dad did eventually arrive. "What do you want, Athena?"
"To know what's inside that wretched box!"
Dad smirked. "You mean this?" The brown box appeared in his hands.
"Yes, that box! What's in it?"
"Oh, you know..."
"Cut the crap, Poseidon!"
"Okay, okay," Dad said. "Here. Look at it yourself."
And then he left.
Athena held a sour look on her face and opened the box.
The moment of truth...
"Is that what I think it is?" Athena stared at the contents of the brown box.
"A bar of poop?" Apollo guessed, taking a peek.
"No you moron!" Ares thumped the sun god. "Clearly, it's a tampon."
"A tampon doesn't look like that, I would know!" Apollo exclaimed. A little too smugly, might I add
"How do you even know what a tampon looks like?" Ares retorted.
Apollo turned beet red. "I—I—"
"It's a chocolate bar, you idiots!" Athena snapped saving Apollo from further embarrassment.
"Oh."
"Would this be a bad time for me to leave?" I piped.
"Shut up!" they yelled in unison, not one bothering to take their eyes away from the box.
"Hermes, keep him quiet," Athena instructed.
"Yes, ma'am!" He pointed his phone at me and pressed a button. Suddenly, a black, shiny coffin popped up. Hermes looked down in confusion. "Sorry," he apologized sheepishly. "My phone's a little broken. Athena broke it."
"Weirdest day ever..." Hades muttered under his breath.
"Not really," Hermes said thoughtfully. "I once walked in on Chris and Clarisse doing it—"
"YOU WHAT?" Ares bellowed. His face contorted into a look of disgust and disbelief. "YOU WHAT?"
"I walked in on Chris and Clarisse having—"
"Don't say it!" Area covered his ears and began saying incoherent things ("La-la-la-la-la-la").
"Sex! I walked on in them having sex!" Hermes finished smugly.
The flame in Ares' eyes intensified. "Zeus' balls! Your good-for-nothing son deflowered my daughter?"
This got everyone's attention away from the box. Even Hades perked up. Clarisse was a virgin.
I was probably grinning like some idiot right now. "I—I—have no words..." And then I burst out laughing. In my defence, Clarisse has just always seemed so...willing.
"You got a problem, Punk?" Ares growled.
"No, of course not!" I said, still grinning like said idiot. "Why would I laugh at your daughter's virginity?"
Apollo gasped his eyes wide. "So you did have sex?"
"Of course I have—I mean, no! No, no, no!" I locked eyes with Athena, and I'm not even kidding when I say that I peed myself.
"He's a dead man now," Dionysus cackled.
"You bet he's a dead man!" Athena shrieked.
I backed up slowly, feeling even more exposed under their gazes. I felt the cold, hard coffin behind me. Riptide! I felt for Riptide, and then my eyes widened when I realized I wasn't wearing any pants!
Fuck!
I gave a nervous laugh. "So, Ares... How have you been?"
"Not working, Jackson," Ares smirked. He grabbed my arm and began to force me into the coffin.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?"
Athena gave an exasperated. "Well if you weren't so daft you'd realize you're going into the coffin. You really are your father's son..."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I exclaimed, feeling my back hit the deep purple, velvet inside of the coffin.
"See you around, Punk," Ares smirked, his hand finding its way onto the lid.
"Wait! I have a date with Annabeth—"
Too late.
The lid slammed shut.
I tried to push it open, but it was no use, the coffin was locked. As I banged on the lid, I couldn't help but wonder who the fuck puts a lock on a coffin. I mean, do they expect the dead to suddenly pop up? Because if they do, it's weird!
"C'mon, you guys! This isn't cool!" I yelled. A cackle erupted from the other side and I rolled my eyes knowing it was Mr. D. I heard the sound of footsteps and I knew they were gone.
Just my luck.
Athena stared at the brown box, a look of indifference etched on her face.
"All that staring isn't going to open it." Aphrodite gave a light giggle.
Athena scowled at the goddess of beauty. "I already know what's in it."
"Then what's with the face?"
"This was Poseidon's," Athena said, flipping the lid open, revealing the chocolate bar. "I don't exactly know what'll happen."
A look of realization dawned on Aphrodite's face. "Oh, I know that! I gave it to Uncle P a long time ago! It's the first chocolate bar ever made. Totally safe."
"Oh," Athena said. "You know, when you don't act like a complete and utter airhead you're actually pretty decent."
"But acting like an airhead gives me a reason to blow off all of my godly duties," she smiled. "Anyways, I must go and shop 'till I drop!"
Athena's face fell. "Way to ruin the moment," she said, but the Aphrodite has already left.
"What am I going to do with you?" Athena said thoughtfully, tapping a finger on the side of the box.
"Share it with me!" Apollo's voice rang as he entered the throne room with Ares and Dionysus in tow. "Duh!"
"No, she's sharing with me!" Ares interjected.
"I'm not sharing with any of you!" Athena yelled, causing another round of chaos between her, Apollo, and Ares.
In the midst of their fighting, the three immortals failed to notice Dionysus, who stood looking satisfied—and a bit smug, just a bit—with himself, heading out of the throne room with a brazenly obvious smile on his face.
Ares froze and stared at Dionysus' unusually happy demeanour. "Well someone must be getting laid tonight..."
"WHERE IS IT?" Athena shrieked.
"Where's what?"
Athena motioned to the box and Ares and Apollo looked. A look of disbelief made its way onto their faces before all three of them ran out to chase after the wine god.
Dionysus had eaten the chocolate.
AN: I had loads of fun writing this, so I hope you enjoyed reading it! Also, if anyone was confused at the format of this story, the first part was Percy's (first person POV) and the last part was 3rd person.
PS. Thank you Amelia for your amazing ideas and you phenomenal skills at editing! (she's my beta, if you haven't guessed yet)
PPS. Reviews=love
-Ciara