Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Remus Lupin. Balcony girl is mine, and all other characters mentioned are too. Astrology is not mine. French is not mine. The idea that Remus gives a damn about either is, though. And JKR says his DOB is 10 March, so that I didn't make up- the Lupin boy is a Pisces.
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"Tell me your name, tell me your story/ 'Cause I'm into it/ Runnin' through life, like a misfit"
-'Misfit', Elefant
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I'm not going to like this, am I? Remus Lupin thought to himself dryly as he surveyed the Potters' living room. The bass beat from the Wizarding radio was pounding, relentless and unmerciful, in his ears and shaking his frame, and the lighting was poor. A few (well, okay, many) empty bottles of firewhiskey and butterbeer lay strewn along the table James had set up in the corner of the room for guests. The young man looked on with distaste as Sirius led a smiling girl out of the room by the hand, his hand not in hers wiping off lipstick from his face. One could only imagine where they were headed. No, I'm not going to like this. I may as well have not come at all.
A moment later he was chiding himself once more. No wonder you don't enjoy yourself at these summer parties- if you had a more positive attitude, you might actually meet someone…
As the words passed through his head, though, he knew it wasn't true. Some people had their own reasons for their lack of social lives- like, they had a job that got in the way, or they just didn't feel old enough. Remus didn't have those sorts of excuses. He currently wrote an astrology column for a small Wizarding magazine, which hardly took up so much of his time that he couldn't spend time with ladies, and he had felt old enough for years (he had just turned 17 that previous school year, in March). No, the reason he was single and likely to remain single was…was something else entirely. He didn't even like to admit it to himself.
Remus sighed to himself and sat down on the couch. A moment later, he felt someone tap him on the elbow. He looked up, in his thoughts almost expecting to see a blue-eyed, shyly smiling brunette about to ask if he wanted to dance. Instead, he saw a grinning, scruffy-haired boy with his glasses askew.
"Hey," said James, sinking into the giant chair next to the couch in a casual manner. "So, you like the party, right?"
Remus laughed. "Prongs, you know I like all of your parties. I just think that Padfoot likes it more…"
James nodded his head and pointed in the direction of the staircase. "Yeah, he and one of the Ravenclaws- that is, I think she was a Ravenclaw- snuck off to my parents' room."
Remus frowned slightly, thinking. "You're sure that they-?"
"Remus, I guarantee that they won't be back for the next two days. No one will spoil our fun."
James shook his head and took a swallow of firewhiskey, then shuddered good-naturedly at the punch he got. "You know, I always thought my parents were smart enough to know never to leave me home alone for more than 2 hours."
Remus laughed again. "And I always thought they were smart enough to know to never leave you home alone at all!" James pulled a face.
"And…" Remus frowned again. "And I thought Ravenclaw girls were smart enough to know to never go into a room with Sirius Black unchaperoned at parties?"
James shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, well, maybe she was a Hufflepuff. Though she may well be a Ravenclaw, who can say? They're really let-loose when you're not at school, that's all I'll say."
"Not that you'd know," Remus said with a smile. "You're too busy mooning over Lily Evans to notice fast Ravenclaw girls."
"You're too busy mooning over the moon to notice them, either," James retorted, then shook his head. "I didn't mean that."
Remus shook his head too. "No, it's all right, it's the truth…" And he leaned back in his seat again, looking down.
James saw and said knowingly, "So, that's what's been keeping you gloomy?"
Remus looked over. "What's that?"
"The…that. That sort of thing. That's why you've been sort of sad lately?"
Remus shrugged. He knew he was being vague, but he wasn't sure he wanted to get wrapped up in another one of James' "Take the risk" speeches. After all, James took the risk, didn't he? And didn't it always get Lily Evans' stamp of disapproval?
James put his hand on Remus' shoulder and leaned forward. "Well, my friend," he began, "I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'I'm not going to ever get a girlfriend, and it's because of…this.' Am I right?"
Remus sighed. He knew the drill.
"Well, you're right."
Remus blinked. This was not the same old, same old. "I…what? I'm right? You mean I'm not going to ever get a…?"
"That's right. You're not going to ever get a girlfriend because of your condition."
It took a while for the fact that James was pretty much saying something very wholly cruel to sink in.
"I can't believe you said that."
"Why not?" James asked, almost smug. "It's what you always say. Why shouldn't I say it?"
Remus didn't understand, and apparently it wrote itself on his face, because James went on to explain. "It's come to my attention that nothing I'm going to say will ever get through to you, so I've decided to take your position. After all, I'm not going to fight with you."
Remus drew back from his hand. "So you think I can't get a girlfriend just because of that."
James took another nip of firewhiskey. "That's just what I'm thinking."
"But no girl would really have to know!" Remus protested. "I wouldn't exactly have to share it…it's not sexually transmitted or anything…it's not like I'd bite her…and even though she'd probably reject me, would all girls?"
James didn't answer. His facial expression was unreadable. Remus stared at him. "I know it sounds stupid, and cliché, but sometimes people really do love you for who you are."
"Bingo!" cried James, throwing the hand not holding a bottle in the air. "That's it, champ. That's what I've been saying."
Remus blinked, then frowned. James had gotten him to argue with himself…oh, well, Remus supposed that was the problem with a Libra moon.
"There is a girl out there for you, Moony," James said to him. "Even if she doesn't know it yet."
Remus smiled suddenly; the last statement had undoubtedly been added by his friend's subconscious. It was extremely reminiscent of Miss Evans.
"I'm not sure I want to go through the pain of meeting all the wrong girls first, though," Remus said. It was code for "I won't even bother looking for the girl out there, because chances are, the first one I meet won't be her. Pisces people have that kind of luck".
James said, "What's wrong? Don't you think you'll ever meet someone?"
"I just…" Remus shook his head and looked down at the palms of his hands as though they had some answer to give him- or as if they seemed dirty to him. Even in the dim lighting,a glitter of pain could be seen in hishoney-coloured eyes.
"You just…" James had put his hand over one of Remus' and given it a squeeze. Remus looked up at him and he just smiled his wide, crooked grin and prompted again. "You just…?"
I'm just a freak, he thought bitterly, but said in a strained voice, "I just don't fit in, James, and I never have."
"You fit in with us Marauders, your name is on a map, isn't it-?"
James stopped talking when he heard Peter Pettigrew's voice calling urgently from the next room.
"Oh, sorry, Remus…" Remus shook his head and James left to go to talk to him.
Remus sighed, and stood up somewhat shakily. Once more he looked around the room, his eyes lingering on the clock. It was late. It would be midnight soon enough.
"I'm going-" he began, then realized there was no one to hear him. The music was too loud anyway, and no one had seen his face. Downcast eyes, Remus turned around and began to walk up the stairs. No one saw him leave, or if they did, no one said anything.
Remus walked up to a lounge room upstairs, and went over the sliding glass doors that opened to the balcony. They were closed, but he opened them and stepped outside, shutting them behind him. The bass rhythm couldn't be felt.
For a moment, he thought he was alone up there; surely no one else would have been up there anyway. But no, there was a person there. He hadn't been sure because she appeared to be dressed in very dark-toned clothing. She had long blonde hair, the only thing really visible in the dark.
Her face was turned away from him, as she had both her arms folded on the balcony ledge as she leaned over against the side, so Remus couldn't be sure whether or not she'd heard him.
"I'm sorry," he said anyway, toeing the ground uncomfortably. "Do you want I should leave…?"
"It's okay," came a girl's soft voice, almost a sigh in response. She still didn't turn to look at him. "I don't mind."
Remus wasn't sure what to do; at first, he felt himself about to protest that he should leave, because she surely did mind, but then he stopped. He didn't want to look like an idiot in front of her. He already felt foolish as it was.
"Oh," was all he said. After a moment, he walked uncertainly up to the balcony ledge and placed his hands, which shook slightly, on the railing, leaning heavily against it and staring up at the moon. It had been full not long ago; now it was starting to wane. Still, it was slightly full, something that became apparent only after the heavy cloud covering parted slightly. Most people really didn't pay the moon any attention, and didn't know when it was waxing or waning (and didn't really care); but he always knew. Always.
As he looked up at it, he became dimly aware of her eyes burning on his back. He could see with his peripheral vision- therefore only slightly, a bit blurred, no details, just a vagueness- that she had turned her face to him. He didn't pay attention; his focus was on the silver-white orb in the sky.
He caught her voice again; a question, she was asking a question. Cancer was a word in there somewhere.
"No," he said, still not looking. A note of bitterness was in his tenor tones. "I have a different disease from cancer."
"No, I meant, are you a Cancer? Like, astrologically?"
Remus turned his head to look at her, not really conscious of his stare.
"Cancer's ruling planet is the moon, so I just wondered- you know, looking at the moon-" She suddenly cut off in her explanation, though not harshly. She was still looking at him.
"Oh," he said, still a bit bewildered. Then he dropped his gaze to his hands on the balcony ledge, suddenly pulling them away from the wood as it were on fire. "No," he said, carefully studying his knuckles. "No, a Pisces."
Out of the corner of his eye- thank God for peripheral vision again- he saw her nod her head vaguely. He could feel her still watching him intently.
He looked up at her suddenly. "You?" he asked. He almost told her that he wrote a column on astrology, but he figured he'd better refrain from talking a lot.
"Scorpio," came the reply. He wanted to point out that as a water sign, she herself would also be fascinated with the moon, but kept his head. He glanced at the moon, but then felt he would seem like he was ignoring her, so he looked back at her instead, deciding to commit her features to memory in case he ever saw her again in future. If he did and didn't recognize her, she might get upset.
Her skin was pale (but so was his, so he couldn't really be judgmental, not that he was that sort of a person), and the moon made it look slightly white blue- a milky colour. He couldn't tell in the moonlight what the colour of her eyes was, and he assumed she couldn't tell his either. Her nose was somewhat long, maybe a bit wider than the 'desirable' narrow nose of the perfect girls at Hogwarts- he'd heard girls complain about their features before; they were always flawed, no matter what, like their lips were too narrow, or their hips were too wide, or their chests were too flat. He couldn't say the girl's lips were desirably wide, but her hips were slender. In fact, she was entirely slender, a slip of a girl (something emphasised by her flat chest, which she did not seem to try to hide with any curvy fabrics, as her shirt was cotton or something). She was tall, though; he wasn't sure if most girls saw that as a good thing or a bad thing, and he was thinking that through diligently when she asked, "Why'd you leave the party?"
He stared, then realised he was staring and answered. "Didn't feel right. You?"
"This 20 Questions or something?" was her offhand response.
"20…? Oh, no."
There was a pause, then her right hand slid up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Her sleeves were too long, but skinny and knit, clinging to her arm, coming to her knuckles. Then her arm dropped down again. "I didn't feel right either," she said in response.
Remus nodded, and put his hands back on the ledge, looking at her, trying to calm down. Aside from the Marauders, this could probably be considered the first human being he remembered talking to (though conversations passed through his mind quickly, so he wasn't positive his memory could be trusted).
"You seem to know a bit about astrology," he said, trying for a casual tone, but coming off seriously, as usual.
"I hope," she said, not really in a whining or obnoxious tone, or scornful and self-righteous.
Everything she said seemed a bit dispassionate, and her attitude screamed apathy. "So do you."
"I hope…" He said, almost wistfully.
"You know, Scorpio and Pisces are supposed to be fascinated by religion and death," said the girl, as though the thought was the most normal and boring thing ever.
Remus nodded slowly. He didn't know what to make of her, but he sort of liked the cool atmosphere. It wasn't something he got talking to the Marauders. He wasn't really comfortable, but he did find himself liking the balcony immensely…Of course, it would have been just as well- if not better- if she hadn't been up there, but that would have been just plain rude to voice out loud. And he would never have said it anyway. The only person who didn't mind it when he said out loud, "I wish I were alone and not around people" was Sirius Black, who found it roaringly funny.
"We're both water signs, along with Cancer."
It wasn't the most brilliant thing he'd ever said.
"Yes, Cancer; the Moon." She looked up at it, then at him. "So what are you doing here?"
"At the party or on the balcony?" He knew she meant at the party, but he didn't really want to answer it so much. He knew that if he did, it would mean they were having a conversation.
"At the party." She seemed to know, and yet not care an ounce, that he knew.
"Well…I'm friends with the boy who threw it."
"That's it?" she asked, after a pause. She sounded maybe a little surprised, or perhaps that was Remus' mind.
"That's it," he said truthfully. "I don't know why I came, really; I suppose I thought something would happen."
"Aside from your friend Black hooking up with Macy Sherwood in Potters' parents' bedroom?" she said, with dry humour and in a semi-flat tone.
"Aside from that…you only use his surname?"
"Yes." She shrugged lightly. He didn't press it.
"That's her name, Macy Sherwood? I haven't heard of her."
"You haven't? Every girl has. She likes hooking up with boys at parties. A loose lass, that girl. It's amazing, how the good girls are secretly bad girls."
He blinked.
"You know, she's a good girl Ravenclaw by day, and a bad girl Circe by night…Well, maybe you don't know. I guess that sort of thing is exclusively girl knowledge."
A grin slowly spread across his face. "And the best student by day, biggest rogue by night story for Sirius Black is exclusively guy knowledge," he said, almost musing.
She inhaled through her teeth. "Sorry, sweetheart; that's information kept by the entire school, be they lads or be they lassies."
It was shock at her low, sarcastic tone that kept him from laughing outright. He hadn't expected the sense of humour of someone's bassist from a girl who crept up to balconies alone at wild parties like that.
"Well, then I guess I don't know anything you don't know." Their eyes met levelly; he felt his breathing change a bit. Her eyes dug into his.
"I'm sure you don't."
"..Obviously, I meant aside from my secrets."
She paused, tapping her fingers lightly against the wood. She had long, neatly cared for nails; it occurred to him suddenly that maybe she wasn't of such low birth as her casual appearance suggested. Remus parted his lips.
They spoke at the same time.
"Aren't Pisceans supposed to be secretive?"
"What's your house?"
Then, silence.
"…I didn't know you were going to say anything."
"It's all right," said she. "I didn't know you were going to say anything either."
Remus looked up at the moon. He answered without looking her way. "I guess we are, though I don't know about supposed to be. Scorpios are the ones famed for it."
Her teeth showed white when she replied. "And I bet you Pisces people have us cover up for you, right?"
"You could say that…" He looked over at her, wondering if she was going to say anything. She didn't look it, so he repeated, "What's your house?"
"Well, you can bet it's not Gryffindor."
Remus swallowed a grin. "You poor scorpions, with no cover for your secrets."
"Says who, Neptune?" He looked at her. He couldn't tell if she was upset or just teasing. Or…both?
"It's not Hufflepuff, is it?"
"No, and it's not Ravenclaw, either."
The name of the implied house hung in the air there, between them. Remus couldn't be sure exactly what to think of her. He'd just seen two impossible things- James trying a new tactic, and a Ravenclaw sneaking off with Sirius Black- so why would he feel that there was another such boundary? He didn't have to talk to her for long. He didn't really want to talk to her, either; but he prided himself on his fairness. If he turned away then and stopped talking to her, she'd know why.
"Ah," he said finally.
She actually snorted. "Well, it makes Mum happy." She looked away from him.
Remus knew that it would sound extremely awkward, of course, but he decided to change the subject again. "How'd you get invited?"
"A friend."
It was vague, and while it was direct he elected to press. "A friend?"
"He's a Ravenclaw."
He?
"A boyfriend?" Remus asked, almost hopefully. You could tell a lot about a person based upon the idea of whether they were dating or not. Sirius Black was not dating, and therefore was reckless. James Potter was not dating, and therefore was fanatical. Remus Lupin was not dating, and therefore was…was…
"No, a friend. I would have said boyfriend if that's what I meant. I'm not as Scorpio as all that."
Remus looked at her again. She looked back at him, almost imploringly.
"What's his name, this Ravenclaw of yours?" Remus knew Ravenclaws.
"Andrew Viscomte."
"A little full of himself, is he?" Remus laughed lightly to show he wasn't meaning it seriously.
"No, Viscomte is his name. Really. I don't know where he gets it, but he gets it, and…it's just his name." She shook her head. Subject closed.
"Maybe you've heard of Andrew, if not his surname?"
Apparently not. Remus was feeling a bit stressed and weary; he liked it better when he knew people- when James was predictable, when Ravenclaws were good, when Slytherin Scorpios wanted you to leave them alone.
"No, sorry. I know some Ravenclaws, though. Ashael Ederoi, have you heard of her?"
"No, sorry. How about Hugh Gresham?"
"…Can't say the name rings a bell. Have you met Nell Parker?"
"Not at all. And you, have you heard of Jethro Ellis?"
Remus shook his head slowly. "Do you know any of the Ravenclaw girls?"
She opened her mouth, then closed it, thinking. "…No."
"I thought girls talked to girls."
"Girls talk about girls more than anything."
"Even you?"
He thought he might regret saying that, but she blinked and said, "Especially me."
He looked to see if she was joking. If she was, he couldn't tell. "Oh?" was all he could think of.
She didn't seem to be able to think up a reply. Or maybe she didn't care enough.
If she doesn't care enough, why is she still up on this balcony? Why doesn't she leave me alone?
Another, more accusatory voice, said, Why don't you leave her alone? You're the one who came up in the first place!
"Why exactly didn't you feel right at the party?"
"Why exactly do you feel you need to know?"
Remus hadn't expected an answer quite like that.
"Is that a rhetorical question or what?"
"It's whatever you make of it," she said in a listless sigh. Remus stopped to think about that, then they heard from below glass smashing and splashes. Remus had forgotten that the Potters' owned a pool. Mrs. Potter had decided James needed to know how to swim.
"These people really know how to have fun," said the girl. Remus couldn't decide on her tone. Was it wistful, or flat? Was she envious or sarcastic?
"I hope no one's too drunk down there," was Remus' carefully selected reply, "or the window won't be repaired correctly."
She looked at him. "If it's not, I'll go downstairs and break it again, then fix it the right way."
He stared at her. Remus still couldn't tell if she was envious or sarcastic.
"I wish this party were more enjoyable," he said calmly, watching her out of the corner of his eye for her reaction.
"I wish this party weren't a party, which is the only thing that could raise my enjoyment level."
Remus was unsure of a response. It was difficult to have a clever conversation with someone who battled questions with questions, like she did.
"…why?"
"Well, do you find parties particularly fun?"
"I find…I find that…no."
"Now, if this party were something other than a party, would it not be more enjoyable?"
Remus glanced her way. She was lecturing or something. He tried to think of a question response to her own question.
"What sort of things do you have in mind?"
He couldn't help his slight pride in her expression, as although it was unreadable she was obviously a bit more interested. He was playing her game. Well, no, he was playing their game her way.
"Good question," she said. She looked up at the moon, and he followed her gaze although he knew where it led. When she spoke again, he looked back at her expecting her eyes, finding instead that she still looked at the moon.
"A concert, or a discussion club."
"What sort of discussions?"
"Well, not debate, that's certain," she said. It was in the same low, pleasant snarl she'd spoken with before. "Like, those groups where you read books and then talk about them? I wish Hogwarts had one. Beauxbatons does."
"I thought Slytherins liked Durmstrang best-" He hadn't thought before saying it. Well, it was a real question, not a rude statement.
"My cousin goes there. I like the French."
"Tu parles le français?"
He wondered if she knew he'd said "You speak French?"
"Un peu." A little. She smiled. Neither of them had the most French of French accents.
"Moi aussi." Me too. She laughed.
There was the sound of more breaking glass.
"Ils vont ce regretter," she sighed. He had to think about what she'd said for a moment; they are going that…to regret. They are going to regret that.
"Je le ne doute pas," he said. I don't doubt it. Then he started laughing.
She started laughing too. It was an odd moment. Laughter and breaking glass.
She stopped first. "Sorry, I didn't think you'd know any French."
"Well, that was fairly simple French. My mother used to have a pen friend in Beauxbatons, and once she had the whole family go to Paris for a month." He wrinkled his nose. "I wished she'd given me some warning, because I couldn't speak a word. I studied as much as I could."
"Did she get you a tutor? That's what ma mère did when I got a French pen friend."
Remus shook his head. "Tutors cost money," he explained. "A lot of it."
She looked away.
"Your family has a bit of money."
"We…" She cleared her throat. "Yeah."
He decided not to press that one. It was impolite.
More splashes, some shouts.
"What's the world coming to, I wonder…"
"So sayeth death, die Welt ist mein," she sighed. The world is mine.
"German, too?" He laughed.
"Only a few sentences."
"What are they?"
"That one and one other: das Licht ist furchtbar."
"That's…" He thought. "I don't know."
"'The light is dreadful.'"
"Is it?" He asked. Moonlight, he thought, but didn't say anything.
She shrugged. "I wouldn't know."
Remus took a guess. "You've grown sick of shadows?"
She looked at him with something close to approval as shouts- people leaving happily, shouting back to James- were heard. He was glad he'd read some Alfred, Lord Tennyson poetry in his fifth year. He liked poetry.
She looked down over the balcony, leaning so far he thought for a moment she might fall. "I guess the party's over."
"That's my guess, too."
She nodded unnecessarily.
"I'm staying to help James clean."
She nodded again. "I've got to be heading home, then."
He nodded, and she did something then that surprised him slightly. She sat on the balcony ridge and swung her legs over the side, jumping off.
Remus rushed over to the ridge, looking forward with a frown of confusion and worry. But he saw her blonde hair, gleaming in the moonlight. She pulled her hood up as she walked, and Remus turned away and went back into the house.
He did as he said he would. He helped James clean, as did Peter and Sirius, though Peter spent a lot of the time retching into the toilet. James cleaned the pool with Peter and Sirius and he cleaned the inside of the house.
"Hey, Remus, I didn't see you," Sirius said suddenly, looking up and lazily cleaning with a spell a stain on the couch.
Remus grinned slightly. "I didn't see you, either. It seems you disappeared with a girl."
Sirius grinned back. "Only for a little while. And when I came out I didn't see you again, and no one knew where you'd gone. I thought you'd gone home."
Remus shook his head. "I was up on the balcony."
"With who?"
"With whom." Remus corrected automatically, turning to sending empty bottles flying into the kitchen.
"Well, with whom, then?"
He had to look back at Sirius then, who was looking at him without teasing.
Remus thought.
"With no one."
Sirius shrugged and went back to what he was doing. Remus let himself not feel bad about it. After all, it might as well have been no one. He had never learned her name.