Spike is sitting on the steps outside of Giles' house as Buffy paces the sidewalk.
"It can't be that bloody hard to understand, can it?"
"Do you even remember who you are? How about who I am?"
Spike gives her a withering look as he's pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket.
"Look, the part of me that doesn't want to dust you - and that's a really small part, by the way - sees what you see in Willow. But the part that wants you to become one with the fertilizer can't see what she sees in you."
"And I'm supposed to care what you think because...?"
"Because I'll stake you without a second thought if I hear one negative comment from Will about you."
"You'll never get any information out of me then."
"Oh, that's right. We never would've figured out that the Commandos were human if not for your brilliant powers of observation."
Inside, Giles and Willow are staring intently at Xander. His mouth is moving, but there's no sound coming out except the occasional squeak.
"Giles, I think I broke him."
"He'll be alright. I think. He hasn't fallen over just yet so that's a good sign."
"Xander? Take a breath, okay? You're gonna turn blue soon."
"Hama...whatjit...pfffffft..."
"I take back my previous statement. I think he may need medical attention."
Willow turns to look at Giles. Her eyes widening even further.
"Okay. Okay. Okay. OKAY! *whew* You had me going there for a minute. I thought you were really going on a date with 'Not-so-GRRRR.'" Xander tried twisting his face into a scary ghoulish shape, but really only succeeded in looking like he'd been punched in the stomach.
"Oh. You must have thought I was serious-"
"I did! I really did! You looked so serious when you said-"
"Because I am serious."
"-that you...huh?"
"Oh, my. This gets worse by the second."
"You know, Blondie. You can threaten me all you want, but it won't do any good."
"No? I kind of like seeing that little flash of fear in your eyes when I mention staking you."
"You aren't going to kill me right now and you know it. I may not be very useful to you, but with this chip in my head, I'm as defenseless as a babe in the woods and you won't kill an innocent person, will you?"
"An innocent person? No."
"See?"
"But let me make a few points here. One, you're about as innocent as Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't care that you can't cause any damage now, look at the damage you caused before you got captured. Two, you're not a person. You're a vampire. You know, the third word in my title, right after 'The' and right before 'Slayer'?"
"Alright, fine. But you've already said that you're gonna to let this happen. Why're you still giving me the Inquisition routine?"
"Just to make sure you don't get any ideas about how safe you really are."
Rain begins to fall before Spike can make a reply. He gets up to go back inside and Buffy follows.
"This is another spell isn't it? You did another spell and it somehow made you think that you really like Spike. That's it, right? RIGHT?"
"First of all, thanks for the huge vote of confidence in my abilities, and second of all, no. There was no witchcraft involved. Just my thoughts and Spike's. Why are you and Buffy having so much trouble with this? You've both dated people that haven't been altogether...human..."
"Hey! Okay, I can't really argue that one..."
"And I have, too. I know. You trusted me to take care of myself then, why not now?"
The front door opens quietly. Spike and Buffy enter and stand behind Xander.
"Because it's Spike. William The Bloody. Torturer of thousands. Killer of two slayers. Ex boy-toy to a raving psychotic."
"You were doing good up until that last part."
At the sound of Spike's voice, Xander spins around to face the two of them before leveling his gaze at Buffy. "And you're letting her do this! Am I the only one who sees how not right this is?"
"Letting her? Did you forget that I'm not her mother? And you're not her father! She's got a mind of her own, you know."
"Thank you."
"Why can't all you bloody wankers just give me the benefit of the doubt for once, huh?"
"Probably because we can't get used to being called 'bloody wankers' as a term of affection just yet."
"Alright, then. I'm gonna settle this right here, right now. Red and I have made up our own minds about this. Got that Papa Luigi? Our own minds. I thought we should keep things a little hush-hush for a bit just to see how things went, but she actually values all of your opinions and she had to tell you. She wasn't asking permission and she wasn't looking for acceptance. She just wanted you to know. And now you do. Beyond that, it's none of your business. If she decides to give up any details, fine. That's her call."
Everyone was silent. They were all too busy looking at Spike with stunned looks on their faces to speak. Except for Willow. She was sporting a rather large grin that Spike was more than happy to return.
Xander was the first to find his voice. "Who are you and what have you done with Spike?"
"Is it that hard to believe he'd stand up for me? For himself? For the two of us?"
"Well, ummm...quite frankly, yes. It is a bit, ahh, hard to swallow. After all, he's not known for speaking on another's behalf."
"Oh, bugger. The lot of you confuse me to no end. Not you, Red. You three spend endless amounts of time cramming the notion that I'm no longer bad down my bloody throat, and then, when I finally decide to tell you that I'm starting to agree, you forget you ever mentioned it."
"That wouldn't have anything to do with you still threatening us would it? As of about ten minutes ago, you were almost smiling ear to ear when you mentioned ripping out our collective kidneys."
"Yeah, so? I stand by everything I've said. That doesn't change the fact that right now I can't do any of that so I may as well enjoy what I can still do, right?"
"I don't know which is scarier here. Not knowing if you're gonna insult me at any given moment or witnessing you sprout principles. And don't think I'm gonna forget that 'Papa Luigi' comment, either."
"As I said before, I'm trying to stay out of this. At least in the respect that I know Willow can make her own...ahh...decisions, but I've cautioned her about what she's doing. Xander, you and Buffy would be wise to do the same."
Xander and Buffy hang their heads and grumble to themselves.
"Are we one big, happy family again, now?"
Giles, Buffy, and Xander respond in unison. "Don't push it.
Willow looks at Buffy with a sheepish grin. "Umm...about borrowing something smashing to wear...?"
"It can't be that bloody hard to understand, can it?"
"Do you even remember who you are? How about who I am?"
Spike gives her a withering look as he's pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket.
"Look, the part of me that doesn't want to dust you - and that's a really small part, by the way - sees what you see in Willow. But the part that wants you to become one with the fertilizer can't see what she sees in you."
"And I'm supposed to care what you think because...?"
"Because I'll stake you without a second thought if I hear one negative comment from Will about you."
"You'll never get any information out of me then."
"Oh, that's right. We never would've figured out that the Commandos were human if not for your brilliant powers of observation."
Inside, Giles and Willow are staring intently at Xander. His mouth is moving, but there's no sound coming out except the occasional squeak.
"Giles, I think I broke him."
"He'll be alright. I think. He hasn't fallen over just yet so that's a good sign."
"Xander? Take a breath, okay? You're gonna turn blue soon."
"Hama...whatjit...pfffffft..."
"I take back my previous statement. I think he may need medical attention."
Willow turns to look at Giles. Her eyes widening even further.
"Okay. Okay. Okay. OKAY! *whew* You had me going there for a minute. I thought you were really going on a date with 'Not-so-GRRRR.'" Xander tried twisting his face into a scary ghoulish shape, but really only succeeded in looking like he'd been punched in the stomach.
"Oh. You must have thought I was serious-"
"I did! I really did! You looked so serious when you said-"
"Because I am serious."
"-that you...huh?"
"Oh, my. This gets worse by the second."
"You know, Blondie. You can threaten me all you want, but it won't do any good."
"No? I kind of like seeing that little flash of fear in your eyes when I mention staking you."
"You aren't going to kill me right now and you know it. I may not be very useful to you, but with this chip in my head, I'm as defenseless as a babe in the woods and you won't kill an innocent person, will you?"
"An innocent person? No."
"See?"
"But let me make a few points here. One, you're about as innocent as Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't care that you can't cause any damage now, look at the damage you caused before you got captured. Two, you're not a person. You're a vampire. You know, the third word in my title, right after 'The' and right before 'Slayer'?"
"Alright, fine. But you've already said that you're gonna to let this happen. Why're you still giving me the Inquisition routine?"
"Just to make sure you don't get any ideas about how safe you really are."
Rain begins to fall before Spike can make a reply. He gets up to go back inside and Buffy follows.
"This is another spell isn't it? You did another spell and it somehow made you think that you really like Spike. That's it, right? RIGHT?"
"First of all, thanks for the huge vote of confidence in my abilities, and second of all, no. There was no witchcraft involved. Just my thoughts and Spike's. Why are you and Buffy having so much trouble with this? You've both dated people that haven't been altogether...human..."
"Hey! Okay, I can't really argue that one..."
"And I have, too. I know. You trusted me to take care of myself then, why not now?"
The front door opens quietly. Spike and Buffy enter and stand behind Xander.
"Because it's Spike. William The Bloody. Torturer of thousands. Killer of two slayers. Ex boy-toy to a raving psychotic."
"You were doing good up until that last part."
At the sound of Spike's voice, Xander spins around to face the two of them before leveling his gaze at Buffy. "And you're letting her do this! Am I the only one who sees how not right this is?"
"Letting her? Did you forget that I'm not her mother? And you're not her father! She's got a mind of her own, you know."
"Thank you."
"Why can't all you bloody wankers just give me the benefit of the doubt for once, huh?"
"Probably because we can't get used to being called 'bloody wankers' as a term of affection just yet."
"Alright, then. I'm gonna settle this right here, right now. Red and I have made up our own minds about this. Got that Papa Luigi? Our own minds. I thought we should keep things a little hush-hush for a bit just to see how things went, but she actually values all of your opinions and she had to tell you. She wasn't asking permission and she wasn't looking for acceptance. She just wanted you to know. And now you do. Beyond that, it's none of your business. If she decides to give up any details, fine. That's her call."
Everyone was silent. They were all too busy looking at Spike with stunned looks on their faces to speak. Except for Willow. She was sporting a rather large grin that Spike was more than happy to return.
Xander was the first to find his voice. "Who are you and what have you done with Spike?"
"Is it that hard to believe he'd stand up for me? For himself? For the two of us?"
"Well, ummm...quite frankly, yes. It is a bit, ahh, hard to swallow. After all, he's not known for speaking on another's behalf."
"Oh, bugger. The lot of you confuse me to no end. Not you, Red. You three spend endless amounts of time cramming the notion that I'm no longer bad down my bloody throat, and then, when I finally decide to tell you that I'm starting to agree, you forget you ever mentioned it."
"That wouldn't have anything to do with you still threatening us would it? As of about ten minutes ago, you were almost smiling ear to ear when you mentioned ripping out our collective kidneys."
"Yeah, so? I stand by everything I've said. That doesn't change the fact that right now I can't do any of that so I may as well enjoy what I can still do, right?"
"I don't know which is scarier here. Not knowing if you're gonna insult me at any given moment or witnessing you sprout principles. And don't think I'm gonna forget that 'Papa Luigi' comment, either."
"As I said before, I'm trying to stay out of this. At least in the respect that I know Willow can make her own...ahh...decisions, but I've cautioned her about what she's doing. Xander, you and Buffy would be wise to do the same."
Xander and Buffy hang their heads and grumble to themselves.
"Are we one big, happy family again, now?"
Giles, Buffy, and Xander respond in unison. "Don't push it.
Willow looks at Buffy with a sheepish grin. "Umm...about borrowing something smashing to wear...?"