A/N: Thanks to Zachana16 for being my beta! You rock! Serious love to you. This will be a three chapter story. I hope you enjoy. Feedback is love.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"I'm not gay."

"I'm not asking if you're gay or not! What I'm asking is – "

"I'm not gay!"

"I know you're not gay, Moony! I just want to know if – "

"No. Because I'm not gay. Do you see how that works?"

"Moony, I'm not questioning your sexuality – "

"That's exactly what you're doing!"

"I just want to know if you thought Prongs was growing into a good looking sod, is all."

"First off, calling your friend a sod really isn't all that nice, and secondly, I don't think so, because if I did, I'd be – "

"I know, I know. Gay."

"Right."

It wasn't that Sirius enjoyed making Remus' face such a bright shade of red, it was just that – no, never mind. That really was it. He enjoyed making Remus' face such a bright shade of red. There was no other reason for torturing his friend like this except for the fact that he liked seeing the other squirm uncomfortably. Red was his favourite colour, after all.

Remus was looking flustered and embarrassed, not to mention more than a little irritated. But Sirius didn't leave his side. It didn't matter if Remus was trying to work on his homework. Sirius Black was bored, and a bored Sirius Black was an irritating one.

"Know what?"

"I don't care. Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate on my Transfiguration essay?"

The words didn't seem to register in the other's mind at all.

"Evan Rosier? Know him?"

"The Slytherin two years above us?"

"Yeah. Hot, don't you think?"

"Actually, I'm rather cool. If you're hot you can – hold on. What?"

"Don't you think he's groovy, Moony?"

"I most certainly do not!"

"Really? Are you sure?"

"I'm absolutely sure! Blokes cannot be hot or groovy. That's that."

"But – "

"Don't start with me, Sirius. I'm trying to do my work. If these questions won't stop, you'll need to go find someone else to annoy."

Remus huffed, scribbling harder onto his sheet.

"What about Edgar Bones?"

"The fourth year?"

"Hit puberty during the summer. I'm glad to say it turned out real nice for him."

"Bugger off, seriously, and shut your trap hole. For once, take someone's advice other than your own."

It really was out of character for him to be acting so… well… Sirius couldn't think of a word for it, but he knew for a fact that Remus didn't usually act that way.

"What crawled up your bum and died?"

"Nothing! Nothing goes up my bum! Nothing, I say! Because only queers have things in their bums."

"Oh."

Sirius was smirking now, his hand inching towards the other. "Methinks you're a little defensive, Moony…" A finger reached out and poked the other's shoulder.

"Sirius, I swear to Merlin I'll – "

"What? Take what's in your bum and shove it in mine?"

"Sirius!"

His eyes were wide and his face was… Wow. Remus' face could probably melt the polar icecaps with all the heat that was escaping it. (If he got close enough, that was, though Sirius wasn't sure why he would go that far north.)

"Lighten up, Moony. You told me you weren't gay, remember?"

"That doesn't mean I enjoy hearing things like that!"

"What? James is always going on about what he wants to do to Lily. All the time. We hear him moan in his sleep, we do. And all you do is laugh with me at times like that. And what are you doing now? Not laughing, that's for sure. And it's the same kind of situation, isn't it? Maybe you've forgotten how. Do you remember how to laugh, Moony?"

"That isn't funny."

"Ha. Ha. Say it with me, Moony. Ha. Ha. Go ahead, try."

Maybe he had pushed a little too far. Remus looked rather cross with him at the moment, and turned his narrowed gaze back to his paper. Sirius waited a few seconds, hoping Remus would turn around again, but the other did no such thing. Bugger. Sirius let out a sigh.

"Remus – "

"I'm not talking to you."

He couldn't help but smirk again. Thank the stars Remus couldn't see him - he might have hexed him, and badly.

"You're not?"

"No."

"But… you are."

"Am not."

"Yes. You keep doing it."

"No I don't."

"There. You've done it again."

"Piss off."

The dark haired teenager sighed again, chewing his lip slightly. Remus really did seem angry. Had he really gone too far? Why was he getting so bloody snappy about this? The other's red face wasn't entertaining him anymore. Now he was slightly aggravated himself.

"What's your problem? M'just joking around, you know."

"I don't like your jokes."

"Shouldn't get so offended, Moony. I mean, it's not like birds turn you off or anything like that."

Remus didn't answer. Bloody hell, was he ignoring him? Of course, Remus had said so, but the other hadn't believed him. Sirius pouted and crossed his arms, rather childishly. "Fine. Don't answer. Know what? I'm just gonna leave you to your stupid work and your stupid non-laughing self. I hope you're happy."

He got up dramatically, with another huff, and took a step away. But Remus didn't call him back. There were no theatrical scenes, no wonderful Marauder acting skills, no teary-eyed shows for the audience in the Gryffindor common room. It wasn't like what usually happened when Sirius initiated the 'goodbye' routine. Remus remained quiet.

The Black turned towards his silent friend, a little concerned now.

"Moony?"

"Sirius, piss off."

"Look, I really don't know what's bugging you, but if it's because of me – "

"Of course it's because of you! I was perfectly fine before you started talking about all this rubbish. My homework will never be completed. I won't be able to concentrate. And it's all your fault. It's all your bloody fault!"

"What? Remus, look I'm sorry, but that's hardly a fair accusation – "

"It's your fault! You couldn't just leave me be! Your stupid words and proddings put stupid doubt into my mind. My mind that was perfectly fine how it was. And yet you put in thoughts, you did. Thoughts about other blokes and things that don't include birds and – "

"Remus, what are you going on about?"

" – and you just wouldn't shut up! You talk about bees all the bloody time, when I want to talk about birds. It's not fair! If you hadn't asked so many sodding questions in the past, if you had just spoken about what normal teen blokes spoke about – "

"Wait. What was that about the birds and the bees?"

"It's because of your stupid conversations that I'm a bloody fruit!"

"…"

Sirius' mind might have imploded. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that nothing seemed to be working. Not the language functions, not the autonomic features, not even his heartbeat. All was shut down. They had stared at each other for Merlin knew how long, Remus with his glare of doom, Sirius with his distant stare. Sirius' mouth finally opened, and the tiniest of strangled sounds escaped him. Remus seemed to snap out of his anger at that moment.

"…What?"

"What?"

"What did you just say?"

Remus' face was a much darker shade of red than Sirius had ever seen it before.

"What did you hear?" he asked, speaking as if Sirius couldn't see the look of absolute dread on his face.

"What did you say?"

"What did you hear?"

"It doesn't matter what I heard. What matters is what you said."

"No, that really doesn't matter. What matters is what you heard."

Sirius wasn't going to play this game. His pointed face twitched and he licked his lips, trying hard to prevent the smile from appearing. It was futile. How could he fight such a strong urge to smile?

"You said you were a fruit."

Remus stared at the desk and he mumbled something Sirius didn't catch. It didn't matter. His smile turned into a grin, and no matter how hard he bit his lip, he couldn't make it stop.

"You're a shirt lifter."

Again, Remus mumbled something, and Sirius could feel something bubble in his lungs. No, it would be evil to laugh; it would make Remus very uncomfortable and more embarrassed than was clearly necessary.

"You like blokes!" And all control of the situation was lost. Barks of laughter left his lips so often that the male couldn't breathe, no matter how much he tried to gasp for air. He clutched at his stomach, not noticing the looks he was receiving from the other Gryffindors. Remus had been defensive. Remus was a gay. Remus was a pouf. Remus… was going to curse him real badly, if the glare was anything to go by. "Aha! No! I'm not making fun of you! Aha, ha, no! No!" Remus had taken his wand out and silenced Sirius' words. Literally.

"Silencio," he hissed crossly, looking around, obviously fearing someone would overhear what the other Marauder was giggling so hard about. The poor male couldn't handle so much laughing.

Holding on to the table for support, the now mute Sirius was convulsing with unheard laughter and snickers. Not even Merlin himself could have stopped it. There were tears in his eyes, and he doubted anything had ever sounded so funny to his ears before.

"You're such an arsehole," Remus spat, crossing his arms and stalking towards the dorm.

'No! I don't mean – ' Not only was he a mute, but he also knew that Remus wouldn't have turned around for his explanation even with his voice restored. He sighed, silent twitters still passing his lips.

It took a while to calm down. Longer than he would have liked. But he promised himself not to insult Remus further, which meant that he'd only chase after him when the goofy grin was off of his face. With a final – and inaudible – sigh and a wipe to his watery eyes, he made his way up to their shared dorm.

'Moony?' Oh right. No sound. His own wand pointed at his throat, he thought hard on the spell to get his voice back. "Moony?" Ah, that was better. "Remus, look, I didn't mean – "

"You're a bloody prick."

"Are you hiding behind those curtains? No, listen to me. I wasn't making fun of you. Well, okay, maybe a little, but it's not 'cause I think anything's wrong with you. It's just 'cause – "

"'Cause what, Sirius? Because I'm your friend? Because you've never met a live homosexual before? Because I'll never be able to think about girls the way you and Peter and James do?"

"Well, no. 'Cause it was funny, that's all."

There was a silence, and Sirius was sure that during this time, Remus would assess the situation, would realize how funny it truly was, and would join Sirius in laughter and apologies.

"I hate you."

Needless to say, those weren't the words Sirius had had in mind.

"What? How could you say such a thing? I'm hurt!"

Remus just rolled his eyes and began scribbling on the parchment in his lap. Sirius had no doubt that it was homework of some sort. When girls were distressed, they ate ice cream. When Moony was distressed, he worked on his essays. To each his own.

"I mean it, Remus! I wasn't making fun of you in an evil way! I completely respect your choice of shags."

"Shags?" Remus' head snapped to Sirius', eyes wide and incredulous. "This has nothing to do with – "

"I'll even help you find the right bloke! Not too easy, sexy, good leg muscles…"

"Sirius, I don't think - "

"Do you want them to trim their – "

"SIRIUS!"

"Yes?"

"Please! For the love of Merlin, stop talking!"

Sirius blinked once, twice, before losing his grin and becoming uncharacteristically serious. The idea of one of his best friends mad at him because of a laugh… It didn't exactly make his day.

"I will help you, Moony. Promise I will. I'll find you a good, respectable bloke you can be with."

Their eyes locked, and for a few moments, that was all there was: a connection between grey and gold. Finally, Remus tore away, a small smile at his lips.

"It's fine. I can find a guy myself, when I'm ready. It'll happen when it happens."

Sirius took that as Remus' way of saying 'apology accepted' as well as 'we're officially best mates again', and, quite possibly 'I want to get laid'. The last one might have been a stretch.

"Right. It'll happen when it happens," Sirius repeated, nodding once, and heading for the door. The sandy haired teen looked at him, smiled softly at his friend's acceptance, then went back to his work.

Meanwhile, Sirius' mind was beginning to catalogue all the potentially gay males of Hogwarts.

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