Corrupted Memories
Fanfiction by: Icicle Raindream
WARNING: This fic contains scenes of rape. If this kind of action sends cold shivers through you, I suggest you skip this story. Otherwise, if you're brave enough to handle it, grab a blanket and read on. Consider yourself warned, and please don't flame.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing characters and names and such do not belong to me. I'm in no way making any profit from this fic.
Notes: The fic doesn't go too much into detail, but I had to say it anyway. You can blame my idea for this story on the novel The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. At the time of writing this, I was also delving into the pages of that book. (Which, by the way, is excellent. Check it out sometime.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Relena]
I blinked in the darkness of my cell, clearing my vision. I was lying on my back, staring up at the metal gray ceiling, stretched out on the hard steel floor. I shuddered a bit and pulled my blouse closed tighter. I heard a sharp noise to my left and turned my head, fixing my eyes on the door. The lock on it softly exploded, and then the door opened. I knew it had to be someone to rescue me, and I wasn't disappointed as I recognized Quatre's body shape as he stepped into the room. I heard his voice.
"Relena?"
"Is that you, Quatre?" I half-whispered, half-asked. I knew it was.
"Are you okay?" He walked over and kneeled down, looking up and down at my form.
I sat up dizzily and looked into his face, noting the horror that spread across his features as he took me in and assessed my appearance.
"Relena, you're all bruised up!" he exclaimed quietly. "What did they do to you?" He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.
I reached up and folded my arms behind his neck, pulling myself closer to him and burying my head in his shoulder. The feel of his arms as they tightened around me was almost too much for me and I couldn't stop the tears as they descended down my face. I knew I was shaking, and I couldn't tell if it was because of the events that had taken place in the earlier days or if I was too happy to be finally rescued. I sobbed, letting it out on Quatre's shoulder, as he held and rocked me.
"What's the matter?" he whispered. Terror was laced into his words.
"Oh, Quatre…" I began, but was interrupted by more tears. I clung to him, folding my legs beneath me, clenching my eyes shut against the fabric of his sweet smelling shirt.
"Relena…what happened?" His hand brushed through the back of my hair.
I gulped and sniffed, then pulled slightly away from him, face still stained with teardrops. I gazed at him, running my hand along his cheek, feeling the silky smoothness of his skin. "There are some horrible people in this world," I managed to choke out.
"Tell me what happened," Quatre begged. "I want to help you."
I shook my head. "There's no helping me, Quatre," I told him. "It's over."
"Tell me, Relena!" He almost sounded impatient.
I turned my face away and let the tears fall, soaking my torn skirt. I stared at it, taking in the ugly brown color mixed with the original color of pink. Quatre reached out and took one of my hands in his own. I looked back at him.
"Tell me what has happened to you, and I'll make it right."
My lip quivered as I looked at him, trying to find the right words. It was so hard…how could I tell him this? I blinked and tried to choose my words carefully. "I…they…raped me…I was raped…"
Quatre drew in a breath sharply and his hand tightened on my own. "Who did it?" he demanded. "Who took advantage of you?"
I shook my head, turning it again to my lap, voice failing. My sorrow poured out and drenched my clothes as I fumbled for more words to say to him.
His free hand connected with my chin and raised it. "Who?" he asked tenderly. "I'll make sure he gets taken care of."
"You, Quatre?" I sputtered. "You never take revenge."
"Nobody has any right to use someone else like that," he told me defiantly. "Tell me who it was."
I dug the heel of my hand into my left eye and shook my head.
"Relena, please!" he pleaded. "Tell me who did this to you!"
"You really don't want to know," I said sadly, feeling my heart sink.
He nodded eagerly, gripping my hand even tighter. "Yes, I do."
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and spoke, my voice shaking, giving up. I might as well tell him—keeping it a secret would just hurt the both of us even more. I could feel the tears in the back of my eyes. "It was Heero," I admitted slowly. "Heero Yuy raped me."
*
[Heero]
Something was poking my foot.
"Hey, you awake?"
I unearthed my head from where it had been resting in between my arms and cracked an eye open, looking up at the source of the voice. Of course it had to be Duo Maxwell, kicking lightly at my leg, trying to arouse me.
"You okay, Heero?"
I opened my mouth to reply and coughed instead. My ribs ached with each cough as they tore from my throat, my stomach pushing against the hard metal of the floor.
Duo kneeled down next to me. "What happened to you, man?" He sounded worried.
"Help me up," I whispered, unable to speak properly.
"Hot damn, Heero," he said, putting his arms around my waist. Gently, he pulled me into a sitting position, faced me to him, and studied me. "What happened to you? Gave 'em hell, huh?"
I wiped my face with a shaky hand that I'm pretty sure had a couple broken fingers. "Just get me out of here, huh, Maxwell?" I said weakly, trying not to look at him. I unsteadily climbed to my feet and reached out to grab his arm so I wouldn't topple over. I let go once I felt solid on my feet.
"I don't like this, man," he said, shaking his head at me. "It looks like you got beat up somethin' awful." He reached out and trailed his hand along the right side of my face, by my jaw.
I flinched at his touch, pulling slightly away. "It hurts."
"Those look like hands," he told me. "You have bruises shaped like hands on your throat. Someone was trying to strangle you to death?"
I looked away. "Something like that."
"Tell me what happened, Heero," he said, holding onto my arm.
"There's nothing to tell," I said. "I want to get the hell out of here, now." I tried to pull my arm from his hand, but he wouldn't let go. The hand traveled down the length of my arm and stopped at my wrist. When he squeezed, I let out a loud yelp and jerked away. He did the same, surprised at my reaction, as if my skin had burned him.
He stepped up to me and grabbed my shoulders, yanking me around to face him fully. He pulled my arms up for inspection and saw the purple rings around both my wrists. His eyes shifted to my shirt, which had been torn open. Blood was spattered across the front, and buttons were missing. His eyes went lower, examining my pants. The zipper to the fly was hanging limply, and the button on the top of the slacks was completely gone.
"What did they do to you?" he asked, his eyes wide with horror.
I walked away from him, limping through the heavy metal door out into the light of the hall. I didn't wait for him, and for a second I thought he wasn't going to join me. But then I felt his arm around my waist, helping me walk, and he took my arm and flung it over his shoulder. We walked out into the daylight together, Duo supporting my every move.
"How did you get into the base so easily?" I asked him, squinting at the sunlight. I glanced around me quickly. I couldn't see any soldiers posted anywhere.
"Oh, OZ is a stupid bunch of SOBs," he replied. "They supposedly had an important mission today, and they sent all their troops out to fight. Quatre and I had to knock a few soldiers down to get to you guys, but otherwise penetration was easy. Trowa and Wufei are still stuck in battle out there even as we speak."
His words went in one ear and out the other. I don't think I registered any other word he said besides penetration.
I felt sick to my stomach.
*
[Relena]
"Shh, Relena," Quatre soothed. "You can sleep now, you're safe." He brushed my bangs back off my face and pulled the covers up closer to my chin. "You're at my place, and we'll be protected here. Don't worry."
I looked up at him as he sat on the edge of the bed, my eyes wide. "I can't sleep, Quatre," I told him. "Too many bad dreams."
"Do you want to talk about it? Maybe it'll help you feel better."
"Thanks anyway," I turned him down. "I'll just rest."
"All right." He nodded, got up, and padded softly to the door. "If you need me, I'll be here for you." He closed the door behind him.
I nestled my head into the fluffy pillows, uncomfortable. The pain was all over my body; every time I moved I was reminded of what happened, how many bruises were inflicted upon me, mentally and physically. My thoughts were fleetingly on Heero.
I pushed his image out of my mind and closed my eyes, trying to rest. I fell rapidly into a corrupted sleep.
--"Let her go now or I will shoot you." Heero had his gun pointed straight in front of him, at the soldier who held viciously onto my arm, unknowingly hurting me. Not that he cared. I had been yanked off the streets and gagged, dragged through a dark alley, thrown into a black truck, and then pulled into an OZ base I hadn't even known about. How Heero had found me was a miracle, and I was grateful for his presence. I knew I was going to get out of here. But then again, Heero looked a little worn. I noticed how his hand shook slightly with fatigue as he clutched his shiny gun.
The soldier suddenly sneered at Heero, his attention fixed on something behind him. I didn't see what was coming until it was too late, and my cry of, "Heero, look out!" was unable to alert Heero fast enough. Three full-grown men clobbered him from behind and held him tight. Heero yelled out in pain as one wrenched his shoulder back.
"Lock them away," the soldier who was holding me ordered. "We can have fun with them later."
The other three soldiers complied and threw us into a dank, musty cell, the only light coming from the tiny window above our heads, trickling in through the heavy iron bars that lined the glass.--
*
[Heero]
"Here, stay still," Duo said. He sat me gingerly on the bed, and walked over to the closet. I watched as he pulled out some clothes and then held them out to me. "I don't think you want to sleep in that, do you?" He eyed my bloodstained shirt.
I painstakingly started undoing what buttons were left and pulled the dirty shirt off. As I reached for the shirt Duo held, he gasped, looking at my skin. I glanced down at myself.
"What did they do to you?" He repeated his earlier unanswered question, his eyes big and round as saucers.
My chest was scabbed over, polka-dotted with scratches and bite marks that were etched into my flesh. Down by the sagging top of my pants were two huge bruises, on either side of my hips. I quickly threw the clean shirt on, ignoring the pain, and lay across the mattress.
"Nothing," I said, staring at the ceiling. "We were just caught, that's all. I'd like to get some sleep, if you don't mind." I clenched my eyes closed, trying to forget everything that had just happened in my life. It was all too disgusting for me to handle very well, and I didn't know if I'd ever be able to talk about it.
I felt Duo's hand take my own as he started to splint my broken fingers.
*
[Relena]
I sat up in bed with a cry, flinging the covers back. The tears immediately flooded my eyes, and I heard the bedroom door open. Quatre's voice calmed me down as he sat on the bed, putting his arms around me.
"It was just a dream," he kept repeating, even though he really had no idea if it was or not. I think he'd try anything to keep me from crying any more.
I turned my head onto his shoulder. "Oh, Quatre, it was horrible," I wailed. "I had never seen Heero look so weak before…"
"You mean…when…?" Quatre was unable to voice the rest of the question and I began to wonder if it was a mistake telling him that I had been raped. Heero was one of his friends, after all.
I shook my head. "No…before that."
"You want to talk about it now?"
I looked into his shining green eyes and nodded, wiping away the rest of my tears. I needed to get this whole mess out of my head. Fast.
--Heero sat slumped against the wall, breathing heavily. My eyes trailed his arm; it was hanging limply at his side, the fingers sticking out at an odd angle. I crept closer to him and sat down, pulling my skirt over my chilled legs.
"How do you feel?" I asked him gently, quietly. I didn't want to soldiers outside to hear me.
Heero merely turned and looked at me, then held up his arm, the one that seemed to be okay. It shook violently and Heero took a deep breath before saying, "Like shit."
I winced and asked, "How did you find me?" I wanted him to know how grateful I was at his attempt to rescue me. Hopefully my tone portrayed my emotions.
"It's my job," he answered. "We've got to find a way out of here." He stood abruptly and hauled me up with him. I wasn't expecting to stand so quickly and I lost my balance, tumbling into him. Despite how weak he looked he managed to sustain my fall, and I wrapped my arms protectively around his neck, trying to steady myself. We stumbled backwards a bit, Heero's back hitting the wall.
Just then the cell door opened, and a tall, sinister-looking guard stepped in, his hand on the gun at his side. He chuckled at us, his grin curling up the corners of his mouth into an evil smile.
"Well, well, well," he said sarcastically. "Playing nookie behind our backs, are you?" He took a step towards us and we untangled ourselves quickly. "Oh, don't worry," he sneered. "Soon you won't have to hide."--
*
[Heero]
"YOU RAPED HER?"
Duo's voice cut through my uneasy sleep and jarred me awake. In a flash I was facing him, sitting up on the bed and glaring. My head was pounding.
"What the hell do you know about it?" I yelled at him.
Duo stood before me, his face turning red. I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed for me or extremely angry with me as he crossed his arms and shot back, "I just had a little talk with Quatre. He says Relena told him you raped her. Is that the price she had to pay at your attempt to rescue her?"
The name sliced through my brain and broke it into pieces. I covered my face with my hands and said, "Don't mention her name again." I shut my eyes, wishing they would block out the memories and pain shooting through my body.
"Why not?" Duo shouted at me. "She's here, you know. She's right in this very same house! Do we need to put restraints on your bedroom door or can we trust you?"
I growled at him, dropping my hands. "Don't you think I was hurt, too, Duo?" I asked, looking into his eyes, searching for answers for myself. "You think she's the only victim here?"
Duo opened his mouth, but his voice faltered and he closed it quickly. When he reopened it he asked solemnly, "What are you talking about?"
*
[Relena]
"Heero was taken away," I told Quatre, my tears threatening again. "They took him away for a while, and I don't know what they did to him. I never would have imagined that things would escalate that far…"
[Heero]
The three soldiers from earlier suddenly reappeared and attacked me, dragging me from the room. I didn't have enough strength to pry my arms away, but I did all I could as they pulled me down the hall. I yelled, noises of frustration at my own weakness, as their fingers dug into my arms. I gouged my heels into the floor to slow them down, and they just pulled harder, making my muscles scream. I was put in another cell and the door closed behind me. Only I wasn't alone—the three soldiers stayed in the room with me.
One of them stepped over to me and pulled something small from his back pocket. The other two soldiers held me from behind, restricting my movement. I recognized the object as a needle when he slid it into my arm, where the muscles spasmed involuntarily.
"This is a muscle relaxant," he explained. "Makes things easier for us." He grinned devilishly at me and it was all I could do to not explode with anger right there. Instead I sagged against the two soldiers, the muscles in my legs already pliant.
Then I was dragged over to a chair where my legs and wrists were handcuffed tightly; I couldn't have gotten up from my seat even if I'd had my normal strength. The endless battles had been finally taking their toll on me, and with my body feeling like it was made of spaghetti, I had no idea what to expect from these OZ piss-ants.
I certainly didn't expect what happened next.
I felt their hands all over me, sliding up my chest, massaging my shoulders, down my legs. I felt numerous mouths on my face, nipping at my ear, sucking on my cheeks, plundering my mouth. Tongues swept inside, running over my teeth, seeking out my tongue. One of the soldiers had his hands wrapped defensively around my neck, holding my head up and keeping it from moving. He was squeezing so tight…I couldn't pull away from them when I tried, I couldn't speak with their mouths all over me…all I could do was let them.
My shirt was wrenched open and fingernails dug into my skin, dragging across my sensitive flesh. Kisses were planted on the small expanse of my chest, hands slid up and down repeatedly. Mouths sucked on the freshly spilled blood; licked hungrily.
Then one of them ripped harshly at the tab of my pants. I tried to move, to shift and throw the hand from its destination, but to no avail. A warm, strong hand slid into my pants, past my boxer-briefs…I couldn't stop my body from reacting to the touch. The poison they had injected me with saw to that just fine…and they were laughing. They laughed at me, howls filling my ears as mouths and hands continued to violate me, my body reacting normally. All the while my wrists pulled unconsciously against the restraints.
For the first time in my life I cursed my body for being as toned and apparently, as attractive as it was.
*
[Relena]
"When they brought him back to me, they were laughing," I told Quatre, trying not to recreate the scenes in my mind. If I could tell him without seeing the pictures I would be semi-okay, I knew that, so I kept my mind focused on forming the words correctly. "He looked so small…and weak… I almost cried right then for him."
"What happened after he came back?" Quatre asked.
--"Your turn, little girl," my captor sneered at me. "Look—your little boyfriend is all ready for some play. You game?"
I stumbled for words. "Wha-what…what are you talking about?" I looked at Heero, standing there slumped against the three soldiers. "Heero! What's the matter with you?"
The three soldiers suddenly flung him at me, and I caught him and whammed into the wall. Heero's head rested on my shoulder, his body completely without strength, though pinning me back. The soldiers moved and they grabbed my wrists, holding my arms out against the wall. My captor pulled Heero off me and grabbed my blouse. He yanked and tore it open, right in front of Heero, who hung over his forearm. I gasped in shock and tried to pull my arms free, but I couldn't. And if I tried to kick someone, it would most likely end up being Heero, and I didn't want that, so I stayed still, heart pounding, bra in everyone's plain view.
My captor clicked a gun and held it to Heero's temple. "Let's go, boy," he ordered. "And make it quick, otherwise you both die."
Heero looked up at me then, and took a step forward.
"Heero!" I yelled desperately. "Do something! Stop them!"
The soldiers laughed at my words and sent my cheeks into a bright blush.
Heero stepped closer to me, eyes locked on mine. "You don't want to die, do you, Relena?" he asked softly, sincerely.
I trembled all over as I squeaked, "No, I don't want to die, Heero."
He was so close I could feel the heat radiating from his open shirt, where his chest still bled a little. Why? His arm reached up and he placed his shaking hand along my cheek, running his fingers through my hair. I don't think I'd ever seen Heero shake so much as he was then, and it frightened me more than the situation we'd found ourselves in.
I looked deeply into his eyes, trying not to concentrate on his hands, and that's when I noticed something.
Emotion. His eyes were full of emotion. They were sad, droopy…regretful…pitiful…full of unspoken apologies…burning blue with sorrow and anxiety. This poor boy had been through so much…
I cried out as his hands touched me, driven by the gun that was connected to his head. I couldn't help as my body reacted to Heero's touch, as demeaning and disgusting as the situation was. I clenched my eyes shut and held them closed throughout the whole ordeal, the soldiers' laughter echoing in my ears as they held me against the wall and enjoyed the show…Heero's stricken eyes glimmering in the dark depths of my mind.--
Quatre just held me as I shook violently and cried miserably. What could he do for me? There was nothing to be done about what had happened.
"Then they beat us," I forced out through my sobs. "As if what had happened wasn't enough; they had to beat us, too…I could hear Heero's cries from all the way down the hall…"
*
[Heero]
Duo sat on the bed with a thump. He was clearly in shock; it was written all over his face. I tried not to look at him and forced myself to breathe. The hardest mission I had ever tried to accomplish was getting all of this off my chest.
Finally, he spoke. "I'm sorry, Heero."
"For what?" I demanded, not understanding.
"For what I said earlier…for what happened to you…for not rescuing you sooner…for everything…"
I shook my head disgustedly. "Forget about it," I snapped. "There's nothing more to be said or done."
Duo turned to me, face set. "I think you're wrong," he told me sternly.
Damn it. I knew he was right.
* * *
[Heero]
I walked slovenly through the thick grass on Quatre's front lawn, feeling the cool breeze caress the skin on my face. Every place on my body hurt, so I had shut myself down into a state of unresponsiveness. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I didn't think I could ever face her again.
I heard rustling behind me and stopped in my tracks, cocking my head. The rustling became louder and formed into footsteps, which stopped at my side. "Hey, Heero," Duo's voice said softly. "How's it goin'?"
I made a lightning-fast decision about what I was going to do with myself and turned to him swiftly, reaching into the pocket of my pants. I whipped out the gun and held it out to him.
"Duo, I want you to kill me. Tell them that you couldn't stand the sight of me and it had to be done. They'll forgive you."
Duo was taken aback. "What?! I'm not going to kill you!"
I stood my ground. "I want you to. I shouldn't live anymore."
"Are you crazy? You can't do this, Heero!"
"I'm not. You're going to do it."
He shook his head, folding his arms across his chest, standing there in front of me with his nosed turned up. He was snubbing my gun. "I am not."
"Do it, Duo!" I stretched the gun further, pushing the butt of it into his arm, my voice gaining volume.
"Never!" he shouted back. "I won't do it!"
"I want you to kill me!"
Duo stared at me, wide-eyed and shocked. "Why do you always give up on yourself so easily?"
"I'm not giving up," I argued. "I'm setting myself straight. Relena would want this."
"You don't know that," he shot back. "She could forgive you, if you gave her a chance."
I shook my head. "Not likely."
He sighed, still refusing my awaiting gun. "Have you talked to her?"
"I'd rather die."
We stood and glared at each other for an eternity. Then, finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and flung the gun away from me. "God damn it, Duo!" I yelled. Through all the pain and agony in my shoulder, I let my fist fly, connecting with his jaw. It felt so good to take some of my frustrations out of my tense, sore muscles, but the thought was whacked out of me as Duo returned my punch twice. I fell ungracefully and flopped into the grass, where Duo jumped on me and somehow managed not to hurt my ribcage.
"Why, Heero?" he seethed, gathering my shirt in his hands. "Why do you always do this? People can be forgiven!"
I turned my head away from him into the grass, not having enough strength to buck him off me. "I will never be forgiven." As I said it, I truly believed it.
"You don't know that!" Duo went on. "Maybe if you talked to her…just gave it a try, you could find out if she's willing!"
"I can't," I told him.
"What will it take to get my words through your thick skull?" he shouted. "Things happen in life that you just have to forgive and forget!"
He took me by my bruised shoulders, letting go of my shirt, and shook me roughly. "Are you hearing me?" he yelled. He continued to shake me, and I tried to ignore the pain, but somehow I knew I deserved it.
Then suddenly he stopped. He got to his feet and stepped over my head, shaking his own. "No," he said, shaking it harder. "No. This is what you want. You want me to hurt you. You want me to blame you and hit you and yell. I won't do that." He paused, and I looked up at him. "Hear me? I won't do that! I won't give you what you want!" He stalked away. I could hear his footsteps as he kicked his way through the grass angrily. Before they faded away, I heard his voice call, "I know you didn't want to do what you did, Heero. But perhaps you saved both your lives. Maybe you should think about that."
*
[Relena]
I swung my legs out of bed and placed them on the floor, which surprisingly didn't hurt too much. In fact, I felt like I needed a stretch instead.
Someone knocked softly on the door and then opened it. Quatre stepped in, carrying a large wooden tray full of steaming hot breakfast foods. It all smelled so wonderful, and it shocked me that my stomach had come back. I hadn't eaten anything since before I had been captured.
"Good morning!" Quatre said cheerily. He placed the tray down on the bedside table, then moved to open the curtains. Glorious sunlight poured into the room and a fresh breeze blew as Quatre opened the windows. "It's a beautiful day out."
I smiled at him as he sat next to me on the bed. "I know," I said, feeling the sunlight on my face. "I…think I'm going to go for a walk."
Quatre looked at me, an eyebrow raised. "Now?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. I feel like walking."
"You want some company?"
I could tell Quatre was already starting to worry about me. "No," I replied, shaking my head. "I'll only go into the front yard, I promise."
"Okay," he agreed, but he seemed unsettled with the idea.
"Relax," I said as I stood up and stretched. "I'll be fine."
"Oh, well…while you're out there, I wonder if you'd mind getting Duo for me? I have to talk with him, and I heard him say he was going out there for a while."
I nodded. "Sure, no problem. I'll get him after I put some dayclothes on."
Quatre smiled at me. "Thanks." He left me to get dressed.
He might still have been worried about me, but I could tell he was also relieved. I think I was relieved too; maybe I was tying to force myself to get over what had happened to me? Was that possible?
*
[Heero]
I heard it. The unmistakable voice of Relena Peacecraft, cutting cleanly through the wind. She was calling for someone, and I remembered vaguely when it used to be me. But not this time. She wanted someone else.
"Duo? Are you out here?"
I heard Duo's voice call back to her. He wasn't that far away from me. "I'm here, good-lookin'!" he answered with his usual spunk. I think Relena giggled, and it amazed me at how quickly Duo could change personalities. Just a few minutes before he was ready to split my collarbone.
I listened to her semi-sweet voice as she informed him, "Quatre is looking for you. He wants to talk."
"Okay." Duo's voice was softer now. "How are you doing?"
There was a pause. Then,
"I'm better, thank you, Duo." I could hear her smile as it spread across her face.
"Good. Enjoy the…uhm…air out here…or something…" Duo's voice faded away as his footsteps retreated back to the house.
Damn him. He did it on purpose. He didn't tell Relena that I was only a few feet away, lying in the grass. Damn that guy!
*
[Relena]
Then I saw him.
The grass rustled loudly in front of me, and Heero Yuy struggled painfully to his feet. He stood with his shirt wrinkled and untucked, hands at his sides, eyes as intense as always. The wind blew his hair around, the dark tendrils lightly kissing his face. I swallowed hard.
I hadn't expected to see him so soon. It had been what…a few days? Sure, I had seen him in my mind every time I had closed my eyes, but here he was, standing there in front of me, alive and in pain.
Then suddenly he walked a few steps, bent down, and shoved something into his pocket. I could see the purple bruises around his wrists, and even though I knew it would be hard, I wanted to talk to him. But he started to leave.
He walked farther, past me, then abruptly turned and grabbed my hands. I gasped in recognition of his touch, and watched as one hand flew from his pants pocket and stuffed something cold into my hand. I stared at the object, trying to comprehend. Heero stood dead still in front of me, waiting for my reaction.
It was a gun. Heero had put a gun into my hands. I couldn't remember how to speak for a moment, but luckily, I was saved.
"I want to you kill me."
His voice shot through my ears and registered in my brain. I turned the gun over in my hands and looked up at him. Same standing position as before, no fear in his eyes. He truly wanted me to shoot him.
I felt the anger well up inside my being. Why did this happen to me? Was this my destiny? I had never imagined something as horrendous as this could happen to such a good person like me. Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I always try to do the right things? I never killed anyone, or participated in battle, so why me?
I held the gun tightly in my hands as I raised and pointed it at him. He merely watched, as if he was used to me pointing firearms in his direction.
The tears came to my eyes as I thought about what I was actually doing. I was going to take his life…kill him…put a bullet through his heart and stop it from pumping hot blood through his veins…I would never hear his voice again…
"Damn you," I uttered lowly, the tears gliding down my cheeks. "Damn you…" I glared at him, cursing under my breath, shaking from head to toe. My brain kept repeating, "He raped you, he raped you, he raped you, he raped you…"
My finger tightened on the trigger.
What was that--another voice? It came from deep inside me, from the center of my chest, my being. It pounded the words out unrelentlessly, "He didn't want to do it, he didn't want to do it, he didn't want to do it, he didn't want to do it…" My sobbing, broken heart…
Heero took a step forward and pushed his chest into the barrel of the gun. I noticed how he slightly winced as the metal contacted his skin through his shirt. What did they do to him?
Now, I tried to remember…what was that saying? Always listen to your heart? The heart knows the truth? The heart doesn't lie? Listen to your heart, Relena…you saw it in his eyes!
A loud sob wrenched itself from my throat and I cried harder, prying my fingers off the trigger and from around the gun. I flung it somewhere over my head and heard it thunk into the grass. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed even harder than before, falling to my knees. "No, Heero…" I breathed shakily, "It wasn't supposed to go this way…why did this happen to us?" I couldn't stop the tears, but I removed my hands from my face as he sat in front of me, trying to ignore the pain that was so apparent on his body.
"I don't know," he answered finally. "I don't know why this happened to us."
I sniffed hard, staring into his eyes. Slowly, I let mine trail over his worn face and noticed the huge bruises around his neck. "God, what did they do to you?" I blurted, my breath hitching.
He didn't say anything. I got angrier and sadder at the same time.
"Tell me what they did to you when they took you away!" I burst out. "You owe it to me to tell me what happened!"
He just looked at me for a second, then gingerly moved his arm and grabbed the tail end of his shirt. He lifted it up, and I saw the horror that was marked onto his skin, the teeth bites and nail scratches. I reached a trembling hand out and ran it over his chest, as if I was trying to reassure myself that I was seeing what I was actually seeing. Heero shivered at my touch.
[Heero]
Her silky smooth fingers slid over my skin tentatively, tracing the scabs that formed the disgusting pattern of violation across my chest. I drew in a breath sharply, willing myself not to shake. It scared me. All of this scared me, and I had never felt anything like that before. I didn't know what fear was until Relena touched me. It was almost refreshing, knowing how pure and clean her slender fingers were…that they weren't going to hurt me…
[Relena]
My hand went up to his neck; briefly touched the large bruises that lined his jaw. I tried not to press too hard; my inquisitive fingers just wouldn't stop.
"That's not all," Heero admitted, so low I almost didn't catch the sentence.
I dropped my hand and asked, "What do you mean?"
Heero let his shirt fall back into place, then reached with the same hand down to the top of his pants—the top that I now realized was sagging terribly. I watched as he poked his finger through the hole that once used to be a button. He looked back up at me, silently trying to tell me with his eyes. I glanced at him, then back down to the pants, where his finger slightly wiggled through the rip.
It was then that I realized that Heero had been violated just like me, only he might have been more so. The soldiers…they were all male…A sick thought twisted in my mind: At least you were raped by someone you knew…
I shuddered and looked back into his Prussian blue, the tears still sliding from my eyes. I shook my head. "No, Heero," I told him in denial. "They didn't…"
He nodded slowly, eyes never leaving mine. "Relena…" He fought for words. "You weren't the only one raped…but I only did that to you because I didn't…want…" He forced the rest of it out. "…you to die."
I just stared at him, listening to his deep voice, trying to tell me what he wanted to say tactfully.
"I could've cared less…when the gun was to my head…but I knew that if I didn't cooperate that they would kill you right after they killed me…and I couldn't…bear the thought…" His voice faded away and he looked down to his lap.
I wiped my nose viciously with the back of my hand. "I'm okay, Heero," I said, believing my words. "But I am so, so sorry for what happened to you…it was because of me…"
Heero shook his head, but didn't look up. He didn't want me to finish that sentence, so I stayed quiet.
"Hey, you two!" Duo's voice rung out over the deafening silence that was between us. "Trowa and Wufei returned from battle! That base has been destroyed! No survivors!"
I almost wanted to let loose with a nervous laugh, but the urge faded quickly as Duo walked up to where we sat in the grass. He observed us for a minute, then shifted his weight.
"You guys okay?" he asked gently.
I reached my hand up and Duo pulled me carefully to my feet. I nodded to him behind Heero's back and smiled. Duo got the message, and he left us alone.
I looked down at Heero as I stepped to his side. "Are you going to be okay?"
He dragged his eyes from his lap and managed to look at me. Slowly, ever so slowly, he nodded. "I want you to take that gun inside with you and give it to Quatre," he said in a steady tone. "I don't want to see it for a very long time."
My ears almost fell off at his words, but there was no room for arguing. I nodded and wiped my face again, then tracked the gun down and put it in my pocket. Before I left him, I kneeled down and said, "I'm having breakfast in my room in a few minutes. You should eat something." Then I walked away into the house and rid myself of the gun.
[Heero]
I sat for a few more minutes, trying to put the pieces together. When I told Relena that I would be okay, I meant it. I don't know why I meant it, but I did…I was sure of that.
One thing I wasn't sure of was whether or not Relena forgave me for my unforgivable act of stealing. I stole something from her that day; what it was I'm not so sure. Innocence, maybe…pride in herself; well, her pride was definitely damaged; self-confidence…I wonder if she'd have it again. Or did she not even lose it? Did I ruin her future with someone who truly deserves her? I guess only time would tell. And you know what they say about time.
It takes care of everything.
I picked myself up off the grass and trudged back into the house. Climbing the stairs was about as equally painful as walking, so I barely noticed as I made my up to her room. I stopped a second before reaching my fist up to knock on the door, thinking twice. Unfortunately, it opened then anyway and Duo's smiling face met me. He held the door all the way open until I stepped in and observed the scene before me.
Relena, Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa were all sitting on Relena's temporary bed. They were picking at the large wooden tray that sat in the middle of the mattress, full of food, and Duo bounced back to the bed to join in again. I stood, feet melted into the carpet, and listened with half an ear as Wufei rattled on about weak OZ soldiers.
Quatre and Duo struck up a conversation with Trowa then, trying to pull words out of him, while Relena offered more food to the assumedly starving Wufei. She had just finished handing him something when she looked up at me.
I swear a smile passed across her face. I never thought she would smile at me again, and it sent a shockwave tingling through my spine. Was that a grin of forgiveness?
I watched as Relena scooted off the bed, then padded in her stockingfeet across the rug and took a hold of my hand. I felt her skin touch mine and my senses came alive again. When she turned and began pulling me towards her bed, I felt her hair whip gently across my face. I could still feel it running beneath my fingers, my shaking fingers, on that horrible, sinful day.
Relena dragged me onto the bed in a spot next to her, then placed my hand on the tray of food and smiled pointedly, gesturing for me to take some. I reached for anything I could grab, and when I lifted my eyes to the rest of the room, I saw my comrades smiling back at me. Quatre with his big sparkling eyes, Duo with his goofy grin, Wufei with his smile hidden on his stern features, and Trowa with half his hair in his face. But most of all, Relena, with her golden-brown hair falling down her shoulders, her pearly white teeth glinting in the sunlight that poured into her room.
Loud conversation resumed again, and I was content to listen and chew in silence. I heard Relena's tiny laugh a few times and Wufei went back into his speech about weaklings while Trowa and Quatre talked about upgraded Mobile Suits.
In time, I figured everything would be better. Maybe things wouldn't get close to perfection, like I always thought I was, but who the hell knows what pure perfection was anyway? After my latest experience as being held a prisoner, I erased the word perfect from my mind, my vocabulary. I was still a soldier, yes, and a more enlightened one at that…but would I just rather have been naïve to the world instead?
Now, my answer was yes. Yes, I would rather think that battle was all about jumping into Wing and activating my buster rifle. The most harm you could receive inside your Gundam was being blown to pieces, right?
That would have been much better than what had happened to Relena…to me. I would have welcomed death by explosion if I had known beforehand the actual terrors of war. The real battles weren't fought on a battlefield, they were fought within.