He had lost Blaine. He knew this, had known this, and was trying to move on. So why, was Blaine not letting him? And he doesn't even knows what he feels right now.
Should he be mad? Blaine has made it clear he's moved on, yet he kisses him.
Should he be happy for some ray of hope that's shining through?
Should he be sad for being reminded of all he's lost?
And why can't he stop fucking pacing?
He had gotten home from Rachel's party an hour ago and has paced every inch of his bedroom, the bedroom that reminds him way too much of Blaine. Because everything reminds him of Blaine, because Blaine was a part of every part of him.
Blaine was at school with him. At Dalton with him. In Glee club with him. Won Nationals with him. Lived in his apartment in New York with him. At the Lima Bean with him. And of course was over his own fucking house every goddamn night and every inch of this room reminds him of him and god he can practically smell him.
And he can't be in this room anymore.
He walks down the stairs. His dad is watching some late night sports talk, and looks weirdly at him when he starts pacing the living room.
They kissed by the front door before Blaine would leave. They had a pretty wild make out session on that couch. They cooked in the kitchen. Every inch of this house was tainted and he wanted to scream.
Why did Blaine have to kiss him? Why did he have to give him some sort of hope? He was coping. He was learning to move on.
"What's wrong?" His dad makes him blink and stop staring at the couch on the other side of the room they had once fucked on when his dad and Carole were at some dinner with Rachel and Finn.
"Nothing Dad."
"Yeah right, spill it."
Problem is he doesn't know what to say because he's still not very sure what even happened.
He feels a rush of so many explanations. He could tell him Blaine simply kissed him, or he can elaborate and tell him that Blaine kissed him and now I can't think of anything else but him, his lips on mine, and what the fuck do I even feel?
He stands there with his mouth open like a fish out of water when his phone rings.
Blaine.
It's only a text.
I'm out back.
"I'll tell you when I come back inside." He says as he looks down at his phone still and walks out the back door. Blaine, still in his party clothes sits on the big swing Dad had bought for him and Carole last year.
"Hey."
Blaine looks up, his eyes look red, probably from crying. He feels sympathy, but buries it because where is his sympathy?
"Kurt-"
"Stop right there. I need to say a lot of things first." He doesn't know where this is coming from, because he's not very sure what he's about to say but the words are flowing before he can stop them.
"A few months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had a meltdown for the stupidest shit and I regretted it literally the second I said it. Because what did I do? Just a few years ago I was a boy with a crush, and all I wanted was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first love. And I was so excited when I finally got those things. After you kissed me the first time, I spent hours replaying the kiss in my head, only hoping I would have thousand more to replay."
He takes a breathe, feeling nostalgic, at the thought of that first kiss.
"You were my everything. I had always gossiped with girls, and said 'I would never take back a cheater' but everything was different for you, because a piece of me was missing without you. You moved me Blaine. Every day. I can't even listen to have the songs on my iPod anymore without being a mess of tears. So I forgave you, because we all make mistakes, and god when you proposed it's still one of my favorite memories and best days of my life. And I don't know what went wrong. We weren't perfect anymore and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to fix it so I chopped it up in my head that we weren't actually meant to be."
He calms himself willing the tears not to fall, but it's too late and when he speaks again his voice cracks.
"I gave up on us, when all you have ever done is fight, and I know that now. I go to therapy, I'm working on myself. But, Blaine, you moved on. And that's great because I know I did this. I know it's my fault. But please I cannot handle you kissing me, or telling me right now you will always love me but it won't work or anything along those lines. Because I can't even be in my own house without seeing you and smelling you. I can't listen to my iPod, I can't stand sitting in the Glee classroom, and I can't be anywhere near Dalton. So please its bad enough I'm barely surviving right now, please, please, don't do this to me."
And he's crying, he's losing it. He falls to his knees in the grass in front of the swing. He needs Blaine, and he can't have him, and god why can't Blaine just leave.
He feels Blaine's arms wrap around him and he jerks away.
"Please," He croaks out, "I can't handle that. I will sit for hours trying to decide what it means, what I even feel about it."
"It means, I'm all yours if you will still have me."
Shock runs through him, he can barely understand what Blaine is saying.
"I broke up with Dave, Kurt, please, look at me." And feeling like the wounded puppy he had succumbed to, he looks at Blaine. "I can't be with him when I am so in love with you. When every time I look at the staircase in Dalton I lose it. When I walk the halls of McKinley they literally smell like you. I can't listen to any show tunes without crying. So please Kurt, can we please make this work?"
He sees the pleading, and he feels that same plead go through him, and he kisses him. He kisses him like he has never kissed him before. Every bit of passion he has he puts into the kiss because he needs to get it across. He needs to show him he still loves him. He needs to show him how he can't live without him.