Disclaimer: Once upon a time a certain author wished upon a star... a wish never granted 'coz it wasn't a shooting star all but a passing airplane... (it's lame, I know, don't remind me.) in other words: SAIYUKI: NOT MINE.
A/N: I had nothing better to do. Since I'm done with Sanzo, I decided to play with Hakkai's mind this time. May seem ooc, but not much I hope. Hmm... I seem to be into writing POV's. Oh well...
Remember what I said about liking angst-filled fics with nice endings? Well, this isn't one of them again. Sorry...
I'm on a roll. Two one-shot fics in a day! Yay! Two seemingly angsty fics though. Or are they? I'll try to do something happier next time...
If there's one thing I love more than brooding, suffering Sanzo, it's dark, twisted, brooding Hakkai. Here's one of my takes. : )
As i've said i' just playing with words. I'll leave the scenario to you guys...
You may not like this. But please don't curse my imaginary soul to seven hells though. Just please read and review. i could definitely use some improvement tips... : )
Twisted By Kage Kurokawa
Hakkai's POVRed. I'm floating in a sea of red. Everywhere I see red.
Crimson.
I live in a crimson world. I always had.
It never stops.
The nightmares. The haunting memories of long ago.
Her pleading eyes. Their terrified faces. The piercing scream. I can still smell their fear. And their blood.
Yes. I can still feel their blood soaking my skin, penetrating deep in my bones mixing its oozing form with my own. And it was almost impossible which was mine and which was theirs. As I became one of them.
For a moment it felt as if they had become a part of me. Because their hatred was imprinted on the core of my being.
And I revel in this suffering... mine and theirs...
I had always lived for these nightmares. They cannot stop. I don't want them to. I cannot let them stop now.
You are making them go away.
Don't.
They are mine. They are what makes me who I am. They define the man that I am.
Without them I am nothing.
Do you hear me?
I am nothing.
So stop it!
Don't let them end. They remind me why I'm still here.
The past. The pain. The loss...
I exist in them and for them. Because of them.
Don't tell me to let go.
Don't tell me to give in.
You don't hear me telling you what to do.
I'm wrong?
You are telling me that I am wrong?
How can you tell me that I am wrong?
You told me once to live my life as I choose. And now I'm choosing.
I'm following your advice. Now you've got the guts to tell me that I'm wrong?
I don't understand you.
Oh wait. I think I do. You're scared.
Yes. Damn right!
I said scared. Afraid. Frightened. Terrified.
Want me to give all the other synonyms?
No?
Oh well. You were always such a spoilsport.
I'll let you salvage your ego for now.
But you want to know what I think?
No?
Oh well. I'll tell you anyway.
I think that you are afraid that I might actually leave.
And then where would you be?
No driver. No cook. No personal servant to wait on you hand and foot.
No one to warm your bed at night. And then fix it in the morning.
You don't have to worry about that.
I told you I would not leave. I couldn't if I tried.
Not because of anything or anyone. Certainly not because of you. I could walk away anytime I wanted to, anytime I feel like.
So why the hell don't I?
Maa, maa. Temper, temper. You are always so easily taken over by your anger. That's what often gets you into trouble ne?
Well, my answer is that... I'm here because I have to be. Or need to be more like. It is that simple really.
Because every waking moment here reminds me of who and what I am. Every day makes me relive the nightmare.
Without this journey, I would be more lost than I am right now.
I live for the blood. Don't you know?
I drink in the violence, the action, the pain.
I'd like to see suffering. It affirms that I am not alone.
As they say misery loves company.
And as you always say, I'm just another damned youkai. I wish I wasn't but there's nothing I could do about it now, is there?
Blood exhilarates me.
Why?
Because it is in my nature. That's why.
When I was born to be who I am right now, fighting became a necessity, pain became a need. It's surges in my veins every now and again.
My poisoned blood beats for blood and death.
Do you understand?
You don't?
Really? That is strange coming from you.
I bet even your little pet can comprehend.
Oh right.
You are human.
Oh, but what do you know anyway?
You don't know me. You cannot judge me.
Go and brood on your own like you always do.
Don't taunt me with faux concern. Yes. I said concern!
I had seen past the callous mask that you're so fond of putting on.
But you never really got past mine, did you?
Silence. Loss for words? Then why don't you walk away like you always do.
You're not moving.
You said that it meant nothing right? So why are you still here?
Don't look at me like that. I hate that look.
It's almost like pity. I don't need that. Not from you. Not from anyone.
If anything I should pity you. You're facade is cracking. You must learn to cover them up quick before they crumble completely. There might come a time when they could totally slip off you know.
Everybody wears a disguise. Some just work better than the others. Mine is better than yours. Don't you think?
Your temper actually gives you away. It shows that you are capable of feeling.
Mine makes them think I am capable of compassion.
As I've read somewhere. 'It doesn't matter what you do. What matters is what you have made the world believe that you have done.'(1)
Yes, that is correct I believe.
Cold?
You said I'm cold?
Did I hear you correctly?
I could laugh. You were supposed to be the cold bastard here, remember?
I'm the over all nice guy.
You should really come and hear the people talk sometimes.
Oh yes. I forgot. You won't give a damn in any case.
You never did.
Or so you say.
I don't really agree with them though. You're couldn't be farther from the block of ice that they make you out to be.
On the contrary, you are hot. Fiery. Flamable. But then you've been likened to the sun already right?
Do I see a scowl?
Yes. Definitely a scowl.
Am I supposed to be scared?
It doesn't work on me.
You know that well enough.
Ah. Habits are hard to break after all.
As I was saying... where was I again?
Oh yes. You being not cold. Not at all.
No, I'd say you are passionate. I should know. I'm with you all day. I sleep with you at night remember?
And sometimes you could even be...surprisingly gentle. Not at all harsh.
Who could have known?
Who would have guessed.
Hmmm. What would the others say?
They'd never let you live it down.
You should really see your face right about now.
I've seen facets of you more than you wanted to let on.
Initially, we shared the same pain.
Different circumstances maybe, but same essence.
Or so I thought.
You live to regret, forget, to be strong and maybe move on.
I, on the other hand live to relive my nightmares. To be intoxicated in them.
Nothing else mattered.
Call me clingy.
Sigh.
You know what?
Maybe you're right.
I am cold.
My hands are cold. I can't feel my feet. My whole body seems to be frozen in ice.
Yes.
I concur.
I've always been cold.
I've never minded though. I never even noticed.
Until the warmth came.
I don't need the warmth.
I don't want to need it.
It reminds me that I'm alive.
I'm not alive.
Not for a very long time.
I'm already dead.
I've always been dead.
Since that night when I lost everything.
So please...
Just let me be dead some more.
Owari
(1) This line's from Sherlock Holmes...
A/N: Hmmm... is this bad? Is this really even twisted? Or angsty for that matter? Too Ooc? Am i getting worse? What do you think? Like it? Hate it? No comment? Well, you can just write 'no comment', you know. : )Please read and review minna san! Comments, suggestions, cons-critic, the works... I'd love to hear from you! : )
Ja, ne.