It Made Him Kind is an AU where Fenris' personality was shaped completely differently by freedom from slavery. It is from Merrill's perspective and follows her inner monologue. This was intended as a one shot, but I am seriously considering writing more. If you would like that, please let me know! I am also writing another fanfic, Between Fear and Desire. It is FenrisxFemHawke and is updated every week. I hope you enjoy this!
I'm startled by the man I catch a glimpse of. He's rounding a corner in Hightown, he moves just out of my sight. I've never seen anyone so fascinating to look at. Perhaps I was mistaken... a trick of the light? From what I saw, his hair looked bright white, almost supernaturally so, not like the elderly. There were strange designs on his arms and face, not vallaslin, something else. I scurry after him. Please let me just catch one more glimpse! I peak my head around the corner and there he is. I was right! Oh, how beautiful! His hair really is white. He's an elf just like me, but carries a huge sword on his back. I was on my way to do something, I can't remember what now, when I saw him and got distracted. The whitehaired man bends down to pet a stray dog. How cute! He's stopped, I should go say hello! He can't be that much older than me... oh, but what if he doesn't like me? I hesitate, staring for just moment longer, then I stride over to him.
"Hello! My name's Merrill!" I say, my voice coming out far shriller than I intended. Nerves stop that! It's not helping!
He looks up at me quizzically and then stands, leaving the dog be. "Merrill? That's a sweet name. It matches your face." He gives me a slight smile. "I'm Fenris. Pleased to make your acquaintance."
That went better than I could have hoped! "Nice to meet you! Is this an agreeable dog?" I ask.
He chuckles. "I haven't known him long, but he doesn't seem too shifty."
"Well that's good. Some dogs are extremely shifty, they have those creepy black eyes." I scratch the dog behind the ears. "This one is cute though, he doesn't smell like a bog. So Fenris, I haven't seen you before, but I'm new here so that might be why. Anyways, what are you doing in Kirkwall?" I clasp my hands in front of me.
He looks down at his feet for a moment then back up to me, his face pensive. "I'm... more or less hiding out. I came here from Tevinter."
"Fascinating. Did you not like it there?" I ask him.
His brow knits. "No. I did not. If you want to vacation, go somewhere else." His eyes move to my staff and then quickly dart to my wrists. His face morphs into an unreadable expression. "Are... you a blood mage?"
Oh no. This never goes well. Please don't let him think any less of me. "Um... Yes, but I'm not evil. I can control it! I promise!" I wring my hands.
For a moment, Fenris stares at me with his gorgeous deep green eyes. He is handsome, isn't he? Why did he have to ask about my magic… that'll scare him off for sure…
I can see his mind working before he speaks. "I can tell you aren't evil."
"I- wait what?" I pause. "You... aren't going to yell at me and tell me how foolish I am?"
He shakes his head. "No."
"Well, thank you? I must say, that's a first. But I think I deserve the yelling..." Hearing someone neither condone or condemn me makes me feel strange inside, like I'm missing a punishment that's overdue. Even Hawke, Varric, and Isabela scold me for using it… what makes him so different?
"No one deserves the yelling. I think I've taken enough for both of us." Fenris smiles at me; I can tell it's pained. "Why did you take up blood magic?"
"Because! I had to. I did it to help my people, not for my own power. I mean yes I had to become stronger in order to protect them but it was to protect them!" I spout. I must help him understand. He's taken it well so far, I can't throw him off now.
Nodding, Fenris says, "I see. Why are you not using it to help your people now?"
My eyes trace the ground at my feet. "They stopped trusting me. Didn't want me around because I consorted with 'demons.' I can't let myself believe that it was for nothing... the intention behind the choice has to be worth something. I'm still trying." My voice starts to fade from the sadness that begins to overtake me. They have every right not to trust me… I should never have done it. I ruined what right I had to even be there, much less to be beloved by the clan, to become keeper.
"Why do you still practice now? If your purpose for it is gone, you could give it up." There is nothing accusatory in his words, just genuine interest, it's better than the way my closest friends handle it.
"Oh, but I can't..." I shake my head sorrowfully. "It's a part of who I am now. And I'm helping people here in Kirkwall, I'm a part of a team. We're making a difference. My blood magic is useful!"
"That might be true, but you don't need it to make a difference. I've seen plenty saved by the unexceptional. Just because something is 'a part of you' doesn't mean it has to define you." Fenris says seriously.
"What do you mean? I'm a blood mage, that's my title now, I'd say it defines me. It's too late to try and stop now, even if I wanted to." I frown. He does have point though. Magic isn't a required skill.
"I disagree. Would you mind if I showed you something?" Fenris asks, his voice uncertain.
"Not at all. Please do." I give him the smallest of smiles.
Fenris grabs one of his gauntlets, pulls it off, and lays it on the ground.
What ever could he be doing?
The marking from his arm cover his hand as well. He holds it up, flexes his fingers and the markings begin to glow blue.
"Oh!" I exclaim and take a step back. How frightening!
"Don't worry." He reassures me. Then he sticks his hand trough the stone wall, moving it back and forth without disrupting the structure.
My eyes widen and I gasp, dumbfounded.
"These markings were forcibly branded into my skin by my master when I was a slave in Tevinter. They're painful to the touch and their purpose is to allow me to rip the still beating hearts out of the chests of anyone I face in combat. They are 'a part of me,' yet I have refused to use them for anything more than this since my escape. I would certainly be more capable in battle if I used them, but I can't do it. They are too dirty, they aren't really me." He pulls his hand out of the wall and it rests at his side. "Now I don't presume to know you, but I get the feeling that blood magic doesn't feel right to you either."
My mind races from all he's just said. "I... This was done to you?" I cover my mouth in horror. "Someone kept you for a slave? How could anyone do something like that?"
He waves me away. "That doesn't matter. I'm free now. What's important is that I haven't let what was done to me ruin me. I don't want to see anything ruin you."
"But... it isn't the same..." My eyes begin to tear up. "This wasn't done to me. I did it... I chose this. I'm the one who has to live with that."
"You made a mistake, yes. But it isn't one that you can't repair." Fenris' eyes have hope in them, hope for me.
"With all that's happened... how are you so kind? And why to me?" I try to blink away my tears but one spills over.
Fenris steps forward and wipes it away from my cheek with his bare thumb. "I'm grateful for what I have now. Every bit. I can tell that you're hurting but that your heart is innocent. I want to help you escape the war with yourself that I am far too familiar with."
I can't find a word to say at first. My breath catches in my throat. When I can manage, "Thank you... I want that, I think... but I wouldn't know where to start. Will you be sticking around here? Would you possibly help me?" My voice shakes horribly but I mean what I say. Oh please let him say yes. Maker, his soul is so genuine. I couldn't stand it if I never saw him again.
He gazes at me for second and then, "I'd like that. I haven't found my place here yet. Perhaps we could help each other." He smiles brightly and it's as if the world stops. It isn't a pity smile or a 'poor little Merrill, if only she wasn't a maleficar' smile. It's a true smile for me, for the Merrill he sees that I can be.
I return his smile. He picks up his gauntlet and then offers me his bare hand. I take it and as the markings on it begin to warm my own, I'm filled with more hope than I've had since I became a blood mage. Maybe things really can be different for me. For us.