A/N: The emotional starting point of this story is right after the end of "Three Hearts," which I felt mixed up everything quite thoroughly and put some really interesting emotionally possibilities out there. Deeks has just given Kensi back her Dad's knife and symbolically put an end to their "Thing." It would probably be considered AU after that, though I make no real mention of anything that happens in the time period between "Three Hearts" and "Deep Trouble, pt 1," and the beginning is only loosely set in the current timeframe of the show.

I don't own anything related to NCIS:LA.

"Only our love hath no decay;

This, no tomorrow hath, nor yesterday,

Running it never runs from us away,

But truly keeps his first, last, everlasting day."

-John Donne

Months pass.

She decides it's her turn to be patient, and she is. It's not easy but, surprisingly, it's not as difficult as she expected either. It makes her realize that loving him has been just a natural extension of liking him. What she feels now and what she wants now are so much bigger than what she wanted with him before but, in reality, their relationship really has resembled a dating relationship for a long time. She still spends the majority of her free time with him even after he steps away from her emotionally, though now it leaves a dull ache perpetually in her heart when separate. She realizes that it's his turn to take some time to sort things out in his heart and mind before he's ready to move ahead again. It probably helps that they never actually went on a real date, but still, going back to un-dating isn't quite as hard as she was prepared for it to be.

At first.

But then more months pass, and he makes no move to put them back on the path to more-than-friends. He goes on being her partner and her friend and he seems so content with that that after months of patience she gets confused. She tries to make it obvious, tries to let him know in as many ways as she can without pressuring him that she's ready when he is, that she'll wait for him. It may be the first time in her life that she keeps to subtle hints and gentle prodding instead of going ahead full-bore and charging at her target.

He never seems to get the hint.

He spends those months sorting through the tangled web of emotions and fears and failures in his own mind and convincing himself that staying just friends is better for both of them.

A year after he gives her back her dad's knife, diplomatic relations between NCIS and LAPD break down under stress from Hetty's unorthodox leadership and City police demands, and the liaison position is terminated despite Hetty's best efforts. It's at that point that he realizes that things have changed.

NCIS is his home now. Four years after locking them in his drawer that first time, he finally signs the papers to become an NCIS agent.

It's the act of signing those papers that finally convinces him that there are some things that are never going to change. It's taken a year for him to realize that when it comes to Kensi, nothing has changed for him. No matter what he's done, he can't remove her from his heart. He can keep himself apart from her as long as he wants. He can pretend they're just friends. He can drink beer and laugh and joke with her like he's never seen that soft, loving light in her eyes, never held her close to him. But, in the end, it's all just pretending, because she's still the one thing that could destroy him, the one thing that could make him give up everything else he loves and believes in. She's the one thing that can make him lose control.

He thought he could backtrack and undo it all. Stop loving her and remove that weakness.

It doesn't work that way.

Even if she's not in his arms, she's still got a hold on his heart like nothing else ever will. She's still the one he'd lose himself for.

He hands the papers to Hetty and admits defeat. He's not going to stop wanting her, and being apart is just hurting both of them. If he can't keep them safe by staying away from her, at least he can keep them happy by letting them be together.

But, when he goes to find her, she's chatting with Nell up in Ops. They're clearly not talking about the case, they're giggling and smiling, and Kensi says something he can't hear. He's still out of their line of vision, but he's close enough to hear Nell's statement:

"C'mon Kensi, you've been out with this guy four times now, surely you know enough about him to know whether you might like him or not."

He doesn't stick around to hear Kensi's answer—the cautiously genuine smile on her face is enough. Kensi doesn't do second dates. Kensi hasn't even done first dates in almost two years. But now she's been on four with this new guy, and she's smiling about it. She looks happy. She's got a real smile on her face as she laughs and rolls her eyes at Nell.

That's enough for him.

He's been afraid all this time that his love for her could cost him his honor. So, now he does what he figures the honorable thing is: he bows out silently. She's got a chance at moving on, at something simpler and easier and safer.

He's not dense. He knows that she's been waiting for him. He's caught the hints and silent looks. He knows that he's been hurting her by his distance. Though he wouldn't admit it, even to himself, he's been silently waiting for her to give up, convinced that if she moved on, then he could to.

He was so very wrong.

But, he can still give her the chance to move on, to be with someone less broken.

Hetty slides another paper toward him that afternoon before he leaves for home. It's an official request for permanent assignment to the NCIS: LA field office after he completes FLETC and the NCIS classes. Her signature is already on the line marked "approved." Even Granger's stamp of approval is on it.

He stares at it for a minute, and then gives one determined nod.

He pushes the paper back toward her, unsigned.

"Thanks Hetty, but maybe it's time for something new."

It doesn't make sense, really. This team is what made him decide to finally become an agent in the first place, and he's just all but requested to be removed from it.

But, as he stares at the paper, he knows with sudden clarity that it has to be done. She needs to move on. He needs to go. He could go back to LAPD, but she is his gravity, and he knows that as long as he is within her field of pull, it'll be impossible to stay away from her. If either of them are going to have a chance of moving on, he has to be away from her.

He doesn't tell her before he goes. He doesn't tell any of them. There is the expected going away party, but it's jovial and happy. They think he's going to be back in a couple of months, officially one of them at long last. There is beer and laughter and teasing and he tries not to spoil it. This is how he would rather have it end; this is how he wants to remember them.

Hetty is the only one who is solemn as she says goodbye. To the others, it looks like she is just admonishing him to do well and work hard, but he sees her silent statement that it's not too late.

But it is.

Nell kisses his cheek and disappears into his arms. She looks at him like she can tell that something's not quite right, but she hasn't figured out what it is.

Eric, oblivious, taps his fist and heads off into the night.

Sam gives him a smile and a bear hug and ruffles his hair. He calls him Agent Deeks and tells him goodnight.

Callen gives him a bro hug, more subdued than Sam's, slaps his back and tells him he'll see him in a few weeks.

Then Kensi is in his arms. She keeps her voice light, tells him to be careful and to not annoy people and to kick some butt. They linger there, both unwilling to let go. She's trying to remind him with the press of her body what they should be, what they could be, what they both want. He's trying to memorize the feel of her in his arms, knowing that this could well be the last time it ever happens. She knows by the look in his eyes when she draws back that she's failed. If anything, the reserve in him is even deeper now.

They say goodbye without any further contact.

They speak frequently on the phone and via text while he's at FLETC. It's light and normal and there's no mention of them or him or anything that could break him.

He wants to ask her about him. He assumes by now there's been a fifth and sixth and seventh date, but she never mentions it.

She's chatting aimlessly one night near the end of his training about this new food truck that's moved in near the Mission and how she already knows what his favorite is going to be, but she's not telling him what it is because she wants to wait until he gets back and tries it so that she knows she's right and her opinion doesn't influence his decision.

He waits until she's done and then says quietly,

"Kensi."

She knows by the tone of his voice that she's not going to like whatever is coming next. She tries to put it off by teasing him some more, changing the subject, skirting around it with an Eric story. It doesn't work.

"Kens, we got our work assignments today."

She is silent on the other end of the line.

"I got New York, Kensi."

That phone call is the last one.

She hangs up angry. She's angry at Hetty for not bringing him home, angry at him for his easy acceptance of the situation, angry at herself for not being enough to keep him there. She's been to FLETC. She knows that he would have had the chance to request his preferred assignment. She knows Hetty has enough pull to bring him back to LA if she wanted to. One or both of them chose not to.

She only gets angrier when Hetty confirms that she was right. The fact is that he chose to leave, and Hetty chose to honor his decision.

After training, he's back in LA for four days to pack up his life, say his goodbyes, and pick up Monty. He leaves her one voicemail to let her know what time his flight will be arriving and how long he will be in town. He's desperately hoping she'll show up at the airport, even if it's only to yell at him. She's not there.

He gets a cab to his house, meets the moving company to oversee the packing, makes his rounds to his old haunts and a few old friends. He surfs for hours every day, sometimes with Eric. No matter how hard he tries to focus, he ends up subconsciously snapping to attention every time he sees a brunette on the beach.

It's never her.

Hetty is the easiest to say goodbye to. He doesn't have to explain anything and he's not surprising her. She still gives him the talk about where his home is, about facing up to our challenges, and about how we never know what is best for any other person, but he's prepared himself for all that and he ducks inside himself and lets it roll off his back.

The Hanna house is next, he wants to get it over and done with. He says goodbye to Sam, hugs Michelle and the kids, spouts some BS about great opportunities and expanding his horizons. All he accomplishes is making Sam mad.

Callen is quieter; Deeks gets the sense that he has a pretty good idea what's going on, but he refuses to step into it. For all their skill in the field, neither of them are good with words when things are personal. He says goodbye gravely but fondly, invites Deeks into his sparsely furnished home for one last beer and they drink it silently.

He says goodbye to Eric the last morning on the beach, both unable to say what really needs to be said.

He regretfully skips the stop to see Nell. He knows she'll be the only one with the guts to call him out. She'll yell at him and tell him that it's wrong for him to do this to Kensi, to himself. She'll use Kensi against him. She's the only one of them who has a chance of changing his mind, so he drops a note in the mail for her instead.

It takes him three minutes and forty-seven seconds of standing outside Kensi's door to work up the courage to knock. Techno music and the soft sounds of movement are filtering through the closed door, and her car is in the drive so she has to be home.

He waits for an hour, knocking every so often, but she never opens the door. Finally, he sags against it. He leans his head against the door for a few minutes, steeling himself and finally getting the words out.

"Goodbye, Kens."

Kensi sits on "her end" of the couch just inside the door for the longest hour of her life. Every time he knocks, her hands clench in the pillow until her knuckles turn white. She's dying to open the door, but she just can't. She's still so angry and so confused. She's been making plans for this weekend for months, since before he even left for training. It was going to be his homecoming weekend, fun and special and all about him, and maybe it was supposed to draw them back together again. All those plans came crashing down when she heard New York. Instead, she's spent it on her living room couch, waiting for and dreading this moment. She knows from the tone of his message and from the reports she's gotten from the others that his mind is made up. He's not here to make amends. He's not here to tell her he's changed his mind about New York or about her.

Clearly, he's here to say goodbye, and eventually he does even though she never opens the door for him.

"Goodbye, Kens."

She cries for the first time in a year when the words come through the door. She sits there staring at the blank TV screen with silent, shuddering tears streaming down her face until the light fades and dies and she's exhausted enough to fall asleep on the couch, fully clothed.

He waits until the very last second to go through security at the airport, and then he waits again at the gate, hoping against hope that she'll change her mind and show up. In the next breath he prays that she won't. If she comes he's afraid he won't have the strength to leave her again. It takes all the resolve that he has left to step onto the plane, and he's sure he'd crumble if he touched her one more time. They close the doors right behind him, removing the last chance for him to change his mind.

He's moving to New York.

A/N:

This is most certainly not the end.

This will probably be 3-5 chapters total, most of which are already written and just waiting for finishing touches and edits.

This is not how I want the show to turn out, nor how I expect it to happen; I'm still trying to figure out where on earth this story came from in the first place. I don't even remember it forming in my brain before I started typing. Still, with their histories, insecurities, communication issues, and recent traumas, I felt like this storyline was just a little too possible for comfort.

I know nothing about FLETC, or how training would go, or protocols for assignments, so I just made it up the way it works best for the story.