Care and Feeding of a Chest Monster
Or
Twelve things Wizards should, no, Must Know
Squatting by the edge of the wards totally still, eyes, even those of magical persons, passed over him. It wasn't that his gilly suit was that good, though it was. It was the preternatural stillness of the substrate the suit was on. Like a rock, or the ground. Nothing about him moved. He lifted the chassis with the elder wand in it, lay his finger on the slender wood and looked through the sight. This Vortex with its anti reflection device on the fifty four millimeter objective was spectacular. In the years since he had started this he had made some discoveries.
One. The Killing curse was line of sight out to five hundred meters where it lost power. Wands cast it exactly the same every time with no variation hence great repeatability, it really didn't take much power to cast a killing curse, not if you hated enough.
Two. Voldemort was an idiot as were his death eaters.
He had taken Azkaban first. Then he had defended it. Put it under the fidelius, well him and the girls, and improved it. Which led to another discovery, which wizards really should have made.
Three. Fire curse's ruined dementors day, week, month, year and eternity. It might not kill them but it drove them insane or something and they turned on each other. Burning dementors fighting not burning dementors apparently did kill them, both or all. On top of which it was funny as fuck.
Four. Taboo's had two edges. See item two. There were wide open fields all over the UK that had rises of ground overlooking flat terrain within five hundred meters. That was how he got the beam spread data. Measured even. Hermione was very particular about data and would make you prove it over and over.
Five. Witches took notions and there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. Tonks had tried Remus, to help, save, something him and Hermione had done the same with Ron. Oh that shit was over now and they were back to being, well, better without those two idiots but seriously! The fucking whinging and ice cream consumption would drive you insane.
Six. He was not any better with witches than they were with wizards. Well then. Now he knew the monster in his chest was him being randy and a good fuck with the nearest willing vagina would cure it. Even angry revenge sex between semi melted liters of death by chocolate. The girls that lived in your suite decided which vagina was willing.
Seven. Chocolate cock rings. Girls were messy. He didn't leave a smidgen on them. They weren't even sticky when he was done. Well, not with sugar.
Eight. Hot water and plenty of it. Big bathtubs and lots of shit to go in the water was essential and build your own separate shower and WC. Oh and a sink and mirror per vagina. A WC for every vagina as well. Sharing is caring unless someone needs to pee.
Nine. Counter and cabinet space out the wazoo and an elf with access to money, a female elf who knows where the feminine hygiene products are sold. Fucking all of them.
Ten. Popping fucks in mask and pointed hats with a killing curse helped soothe the monster too. Take your mind right off your tackle that would.
Eleven. Witches, yeah, breaking up with wizards made them mean as fuck too. Talk about carrying a grudge! Don't come looking to share the ex's big fucking fortress in the north sea. Unless you liked melted roofing lead showers.
Harry exhaled and pulled the trigger when the three morons stopped to talk to each other like they always did. They dropped, beam spread was repeatable too. He had a table written down somewhere for posterity. He didn't need it in the field, he had it memorized, and here came the rest of them running to the corpses. Like they always did. Two more curses and five more dropped.
Harry stood up, folded up the bipod and apparated to the gates and then into the camp. He went through dropping portkey threads on muggle born and half-bloods and sticking killing curses in death eaters and ministry employees. Same things really.
Harry rounded the corner from the building he had just emptied and ran into Pansy Parkinson knocking her down. He grinned, stunned her and dropped a thread on her. That would keep Hermione busy a while. Let her take some of that grudge out on someone besides him too.
Twelve. Things for witches to do are essential. For pregnant witches even more essential, a requirement if you wanted to live. Compliment their work often.
He cleared the other buildings and cast the spoils spell before aperrating away. Dobby would tell him about any real property he needed to put under the fidelius later, after he got all their shit from the bank and wherever else. And of course brought any elves to him to be sworn to the family.