Title: Worth Fighting For
Characters/Pairings: Castle/Beckett
Spoiler alert: Spoilers for the season four finale, "Always"
Summary: A song fic. How did Beckett finally realize that Castle was all she wanted? The story is first person, from Beckett's POV.
Author's Notes: I heard the song, "21 Guns," by Green Day on the radio, and instantly thought of Beckett's story, from the time Castle walked out on her in her apartment, to the time she showed up on Castle's doorstep, in "Always." I have always loved this song, and when I really took a look at the lyrics, it fit Beckett's frame of mind perfectly. Not just for "Always," but for all of season four.
Disclaimer: Castle and it's characters do not belong to me, nor does the song, "21 Guns," belong to me either. It belongs to Green Day. However, the story is mine all mine! : )
Thanks: To my beta reader, Betty. Couldn't have done it without you!
Worth Fighting For
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
He was standing in front of me, pleading with me to give up my fight on this investigation. I had just told him I was willing to fight this war no matter where it led. His facial expression changed suddenly. It was more somber than I had ever seen. My heart started to pound in my chest, though I wasn't sure why. He began again, softly.
"So, okay, um...Yeah, you're right, Kate, it's your life. Throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you, so this is um," He hesitated for a moment, as if he wasn't sure he could actually say the words he wanted to, but then continued, "Over...I'm done," He said as he turned around and walked out of my apartment, and possibly out of my life for good. I kept waiting for him to turn around and look at me. I knew if he turned around, he wouldn't be able to walk away. Was that selfish of me? Probably. Even though I was angry with him for hiding all of this from me for a whole year, it didn't mean I wanted him out of my life.
When I heard the door slam and realized he wasn't coming back, I pursed my lips together and fought back the tears. A lot had been said in the few minutes he had been here. He had once again confessed his love for me, but this time I hadn't been about to pass out. And once again I skirted around the issue. I put those walls up around my heart, not letting him see any vulnerability, or feelings I had for him. I told him I didn't even care about him at all.
I felt like I had been in a fog this past year. I had been trying to live life as normally as possible, but I just couldn't get myself together. Even though I had moved beyond this case over the last year, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about this. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't want to find my shooter and my mom's killer. My mom's murder had consumed my life for so long, and now my shooter had finally come to light, and that was consuming me as well.
I had been fighting for this for so long, I didn't know any other way to live. Castle had brought up a good point. Was I willing to die for this? When I told him I was, he had walked out on me. I had chosen this case over him. I had told him I was willing to do anything to get justice for my mom and myself, including death. It was such a huge part of me; I was who I was today because of my mom's murder. How could I just let that go? Why couldn't Castle understand that? I walked over to my dining room table, picked up my car keys and walked out the door.
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
I stood in front of my mom's grave, with silent tears running down my face. I played with the necklace in my hand, with my mom's ring on the end of it. I was so confused. I felt like after all this time I still had not found justice for her. Her murderer was still free. How would she feel knowing I had come so close so many times, but still didn't know who he was, and still hadn't caught him? Would she be disappointed in me? It hurt so much to think that I could not find justice for her, yet I could find justice for everyone else. I was a homicide detective, that was my job.
I was consumed by this. I was losing everything to find her murderer. I couldn't move on with my life. I was hiding behind her death. I had built up walls so high around my heart, that no one could get in. I had been so broadsided by her murder. I had been so hurt, that I vowed to never let anyone in my heart again. I had had relationships since my mom's death, but none had ever stuck, none were ever serious. How could I ever go through that kind of pain again? Losing someone to death was permanent. They couldn't ever walk back into your life again. That kind of pain was too much to ever bear again.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I
I looked at the name on the gravestone. Johanna Beckett. Seeing her name still caused my heart to break. As much as I loved her, I was worn out. Could I keep up the fight? After thirteen years of this, sometimes I just wanted to give up. I just wanted to throw my arms up and say, "this is it, I'm done fighting." Whenever I came close to that, though, I thought of my mom bleeding to death in an alley all by herself. How could I not do justice for her? We had been so close, and I had loved her so much. She had been my best friend.
No, I was so close now, and I had to continue this fight. Even if it meant letting people walk out of my life that I loved. I thought of him for a moment, and realized the tears I'd been shedding weren't just for my mom, but for him, and the end of our relationship. I looked at the words on the gravestone one more time. I found conviction again, pulled myself together, got in my car and drove.
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
I planned to drive directly to the station to see if there was any news. However, that was not where my car took me. I ended up at his place. I didn't plan on going in. I just sat outside his apartment in my car. If he were still in my life, he would be helping me with this case. I wanted his help. He had said I wasn't in this alone, that he would be there for me, yet he had walked out on me. And he had betrayed me. My mind was still having a hard time grasping that concept. He had said it was to keep me safe, but he had still betrayed me nonetheless. I knew our relationship was at the end of the road. He made that clear when he left my apartment, telling me it was over. That's not what I wanted, but I had to solve this case, I was so close. I couldn't figure out why he couldn't understand that.
He had told me I was out of control. I wasn't; I knew what I was doing. How could he expect me to just let this go, when I was so close? I felt tears spring to my eyes. It wasn't like me to cry like this, yet tears seemed to come on a regular basis these days. I felt like all the confusion, all the pain, all the thoughts I had were taking their toll on me. No matter how much I wanted to move on, no matter how much I wanted a normal life, I couldn't seem to find one. I felt like my spirit had been breaking little by little this year. Of course everything I'd been putting myself through wasn't helping. I had been beating myself up for not finding my mom's murderer, or my shooter. I was only one person, how could I do it?
'I could do it with him,' I thought. But he was gone now, out of my life. I had to see this case through, being so very close, even if it meant going it alone. I know I had chosen this case over him, but I didn't have a choice. I don't know if he realized that. My spirit broke a little more. I wiped away the tears, started the car, and drove off, leaving that part of my life behind me.
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
Maddox had won this fight. He had pushed me so hard and far on the roof, that I was now hanging off the ledge of the Rosslyn Hotel roof, where I had chased him. His near fatal shot last year failed. And now he had left me dangling off the ledge, not bothering to help me at all. I screamed for help, but no one heard my pleas. Was it really going to end like this? I didn't want it to, but at this moment in time, I felt like any faith I had left was quickly leaving me.
I had finally come to the realization that this fog I had been in wasn't just for this past year, but for the past thirteen years. It was as if I had too much to drink one night, and the hangover lasted for thirteen years. Part of me thought hanging off this ledge was a metaphor for my entire life right now. I was hanging on by a thread, not being able to pull myself back up from the abyss I was in. I was in a position right now to think about moving on, or just ending it.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I
It suddenly hit me what I was thinking. Giving up the fight of life? No, I was stronger than this and I knew it. Times were tough and they had been for a while, but they wouldn't always be. No, I was not giving up, I was going to fight for my life, or die trying! I wasn't going to let Maddox have the last laugh. I finally realized, he wasn't worth my life.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?
"Oh, God!" I screamed when I looked at the ground, and saw just how high up I was. "No... Not like this!" I pleaded to no one in particular. I had been the one who decided to go about this alone, and I had stood too close to this fire, and look where I was now. I had been in plenty of hair raising situations. I was not going to die like this! I could feel my hands losing their grip on the ledge, and I kicked my feet into the wall, trying to find a grip of some sort, so I could climb up. It didn't work.
"Come on, No!" I screamed as loud as I could, hoping for some kind of miracle. I tried with all of my might to pull myself up, but it didn't work. My life started to flash before my eyes. This was it, I was going to die. I looked back down at the ground, and it seemed to suddenly spin up closer to me, as if I was already falling.
Suddenly everything stopped, and one thought gripped my mind at that moment. I voiced it out loud. "Castle." What if this really was it? What if I died right here and now? I would die and he would never know how I truly felt. I had chosen this case over him, and now hanging here on this ledge, I realized that was stupidest thing I could have ever done. He loved me, he wanted me. Everything he had done was out of love, to keep me safe. I was alive today because of him. How could I have done this to him? How could I have let him walk out of my life, and not run after him, and begged him to stay? Whether I realized it consciously or not, everything I had done this past year, was to get to a point so I could finally be with him. I had let all of that go because of this case, that had consumed me, and kept me from living my life. Would he ever forgive me? Would I even live, so I could beg him to forgive me?
I realized at that moment, that this was not the life my mom would have wanted for me. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy. She would have been disappointed in me all right, but not for not finding her murderer, but instead for letting this consume my life and not living! How could I have been so blind? Right then, my right hand slipped off the ledge, and the ground below me spun. I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach.
"No!" I screamed out. I had to finally live my life! I had to be happy, and the live the life I so desperately wanted to live for all these years.
I could feel my left hand losing it's grip. If I didn't make it, Castle would never know how much I cared about him, or what he meant to me. He had brought so much to my life. I had always been somewhat serious, but he brought a lightness to my life that I didn't have prior to meeting him. He was also great at spinning theories on the cases we were trying to solve. There were many I wouldn't have been able to solve if it weren't for him. I had to live. I fought with every ounce of strength I had left in me. I fought like I had fought for the past thirteen years of my life to find my mom's murderer.
I could feel my palm getting sweaty. I was having a hard time holding my grip. I didn't know what to do. I was getting low on energy, and there were stabbing pains shooting through my arm and shoulder. I wanted to fight, but I felt like I just didn't have it in me anymore. I hung on the ledge by my left hand, thinking of him and the love I would never know with him. If only... If only I had just let those walls down and trusted him, if only I had listened when he told me he loved me, both times. If only... Then I heard his voice, clear as day.
"Beckett!" He screamed. He had come to save me! He still wanted me. He still loved me. I found the strength within myself to fight again.
"Castle!" I screamed hanging on by what seemed like thread. I would fight with everything I had.
He responded to my voice, "Beckett," He screamed again! It was obvious he didn't know where I was, or what dire distress I was in.
"Castle! I'm here," I screamed as loud as my voice would let me, trying to alert him to how badly I needed him right now. I was losing my grip fast. I felt like I couldn't hold on anymore.
"No!" I screamed. Not when I was this close to being able to tell him everything, to being able to run into his arms, and let him finally keep me safe!
"Oh, God! Castle!" I screamed. My hand was about to slip right off this ledge. My heart was pounding, and with each beat I felt like I was losing this battle and Castle.
"Beckett, hang on," He yelled. But I didn't think I was going to be able to. No matter what I did, I just couldn't keep my grip on that ledge. My fingers were slipping little by little.
"No," I whispered, and then screamed, "Castle!" one more time with everything I had left, which wasn't much.
And then it happened. I lost my grip and I was free falling, down toward the ground. The feeling was sickening. I closed my eyes, his face in my mind's eye. He hadn't gotten to me in time. I wouldn't be able to feel his arms around me, comforting me, keeping me safe. He would feel guilty for the rest of his life for the way things ended, and there was nothing I could do about it. I wouldn't be able tell him not to feel guilty, because it was my fault, not his. I wouldn't be able to tell him I loved him. I tried to scream the words "I love you," hoping he would hear, but I had no voice left.
Then I heard him yell, "Beckett." I felt like I was already halfway to the ground, but I must have not fallen nearly as far as I thought I had, because I felt one hand wrap around my wrist, and then two hands, stopping the horrible free fall. I was safe, and I could run into his arms. I was pulled up back to the top of the roof. The first thing I saw was an officer in an NYPD uniform, with a bullet proof vest, and a hard hat. Castle, or maybe Esposito, must have called for backup. However, when I was finally completely up on the roof, back on two feet again, it was Ryan I saw, not Castle.
"Castle?" I asked him. He knew exactly what I was asking. He shook his head no. But Castle was here, I knew he was. I had heard him. Had I imagined it was Castle's voice all along? He wasn't here? I looked down, my heart breaking into a million pieces. I was so thankful to be alive, but he wasn't here. I looked back up and behind Ryan and the other officer, was Gates.
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins
It was pouring rain. I had just resigned from my job. I didn't want it anymore, all I wanted was him, but he had walked out of my life. I had let him walk out of my life. I was walking around aimlessly in the rain, I didn't know what to do, or where to go, but I couldn't just sit at home thinking about him. However, I guess subconsciously I knew where I was going, because before I realized it, I was at the park where Castle and I had been almost a year ago. I walked to the swings we had sat on, where I had told him in not so many words that I wasn't ready to let those walls around my heart come down. I sat down on one of the swings. I stared at the empty swing next to me, and willed him to somehow be in it.
What had I done? I had probably lost my chance with him. How could I just go back to life as normal after my realization? I couldn't. I felt like something inside my heart had died. It was the part of my heart that belonged to Castle. I sat still in the swing, letting the rain wash over me, listening to the thunder and lightening, wondering what I was going to do with my life now. I knew I was getting soaked to the bone, but I didn't care. I had lost the only thing, the only person, who was really important to me. And it had taken almost dying to realize it.
I had also finally realized that moving on with my life didn't mean I would forget my mom. It was almost like I thought moving away from this case, and on with my life would mean I would forget about her. However, that wasn't true. I would never forget about her. She was a part of me and always would be. There were other things I could do to honor her memory. I didn't have to hold onto this case for her. She wouldn't want that. Her dream was for me to be happy. I had made myself miserable for thirteen years. She would be heartbroken to know that I hadn't let anyone in since her death. This was not honoring her memory. Even though I hadn't found justice for her, she would be proud of me for finding justice for all the people that I had. I had been honoring her memory every day I had put someone behind bars for murder. God, I loved her and missed her so much. That would never change, and I didn't want it to. But I had to live my life, and I knew she would understand, that was what she wanted.
So, how was I supposed to move on and live my life without the one person I wanted in it? I felt like I didn't have another try, or that I didn't deserve to try again. I had let him walk out my life. It was my fault, and I realized that now. How was I supposed to change that? I knew now, that in making my choice, I had forced him to make his.
I had seen the changes in him the last few years. He was not the Castle I had met four years ago. Except for the recent incident, he had stopped his playboy ways. I hadn't seen him with another "playboy bunny" in over a year. There was a part of me that was still worried about his old ways, however, he had shown me that he was serious about wanting a relationship with me. He had shown me how much he loved me, by stopping me from investigating my mom's murder to keep me safe. He had shown me how much he loved me by standing by me this year, even though he had told me he loved me and I had done nothing about it, and hadn't done anything to move the relationship forward. How could he have continued to stand by me? I was lucky he had stayed as long as he had.
No, I couldn't let this go. I had to to do something to try and remedy this. Just giving up wasn't an option. If I tried and it didn't work, then I would figure out where to go from here. But I couldn't live my life without at least trying. I got up off the swing, with a purpose in mind.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I
I was giving up one fight, but starting another one. I looked up at the rainy sky, and said, "I love you, Mom." I was moving on from this, for once and for all. I knew my fight to win Castle back might not be easy. But I also knew it was worth everything right now.
I ran out onto the main street and hailed a cab. I gave the cab driver Castle's address. The ride over to his apartment didn't take long at all. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do, but I knew I had to do something. The thoughts of how this could play out went through my mind. There were so many scenario's that could take place. He could run into my arms, he could reject me, he could fight me. I didn't know what to expect. But, I had to fight for him. I had to show him what he meant to me.
The cab driver pulled over to the edge of the curb, bringing me out of my reverie. I paid my fare and gave him a nice tip. I got out of the cab, standing on the curb outside of Castle's apartment, staring at it longingly. I saw lights on inside, and decided maybe I had better test the waters first. I took my cell phone out and called his number. It rang three times and then went to voicemail. It normally rang five times and then went to voicemail. My guess was he had ignored my call. I hung up my cell phone before his voicemail ended.
Of course he was angry and hurt. I knew to possibly expect this, but it still hurt. I wasn't giving up this easily though. And at least I knew what to expect when I knocked on his door. I stood outside for a few minutes more and stared up at his apartment. I found the courage to go and get what I wanted.
I took the elevator up to his floor. The ride seemed to take forever, letting my mind wander once again. What was going to happen? Was I too late, had I hurt him too badly for him to come back? I didn't know. The elevator dinged, and the doors opened. I hesitated for a moment, but then slowly walked out onto his floor. I walked to his door, and stared at it for a moment without knocking. I wasn't nervous about taking the leap to move our relationship forward. I was nervous that he would reject me, and that I would have to live my life without him. I was here now, and had to take that chance. The longer I waited, the less chance he would let me back into his life.
I finally knocked on the door. I could hear him moving around inside. I almost ran away, that was what I did best, what I'd always done. No, not this time. This was too important to run away from. Even if he rejected me, I still had to try.
He opened the door with a smile on his face. As soon as he saw me, his smile faded. The hurt and anger immediately showed in his eyes and on his face. My heart my fell a little at his look. What had I expected though?
"Beckett, what do you want?" He asked harshly.
"You," I said. I didn't even hesitate. I pushed right through his door, into his apartment, and into his arms. I started kissing him. It felt so good, but I could feel his reluctance, so I stopped. I looked down, and then put my hands on his shoulders, and put my forehead to his, and touched his face. I could feel the pain I had caused radiating through him. It wasn't just the pain of letting him walk out of my apartment, it was the pain I had caused him this whole year. It broke my heart into million pieces to know I had hurt him that badly. The pain he was feeling was due to me. I wanted to cry, and I felt as if I would at any minute.
"I'm so sorry, Castle, I'm so sorry," I began, as I started to cry, my body shaking. "I'm so sorry," I said again, my pain showing through as well. I tried to kiss him again, to feel his lips on mine, it was all I wanted right at that moment, what I needed, but he pushed me away. It hurt that he pushed me back, but I willingly went back and looked into his eyes. We stared at each other for a moment in silence. I could still see the hurt written all over his face, and it tore me apart. I wish I had just told him how I felt months ago, then neither of us would be going through all of this.
"What happened?" He asked practically in a whisper. I just wanted to forget about this, and just be in his safe, inviting, warm arms. I knew we had to get through all this first though, so I answered his question.
"He got away and I didn't care," I hesitated for a moment to see his reaction. The look on his face didn't change. "I almost died and all I could think about was you," I said shaking my head, not believing I didn't have this realization sooner. "I just want you," I whispered. It was true, I wanted nothing else at this moment in time but him. I wanted to show him that he was all I wanted.
I moved closer to him and tried to kiss him again, but he still resisted. My heart was pounding in my chest. Was he going to reject me, and tell me that I had hurt him too badly? Now that I was here, I didn't think I could handle that. I looked at him, and could almost see all the thoughts running through his head. I knew he was still hurt, but he looked like he was ready to give in, just a little bit. I suddenly had a thought. Was it selfish of me to do this to him when he was trying to move on with his life? Should I have let sleeping dogs lie? Should I have found a way to move on in my life without him? I knew he still loved me though. He was hurt and angry, yes, which he had every right to be. But I could see it in his eyes, that he still loved me, and that he still wanted me. If we both wanted each other this badly, then it wasn't selfish, I reassured myself.
My hand wandered up to his face of its own accord. The feel of his skin under my hand set my body on fire. I wanted to feel his arms around me, his lips kissing me so badly. The next move had to be his, though. He was looking deeply into my eyes, as if trying to find answers. I looked back at him, trying to show him the answers he so desperately wanted and needed.
There was a crack of thunder, and lightening shone through the window. It suddenly seemed as if he surrendered to what was inside of him. Like he finally could see everything I was saying was true. He could see that I didn't want anything else in this very moment but him. That he was all that mattered to me.
He finally came to me, and pushed me back into the door, closing it in the process. He kissed me passionately and hungrily and I returned the passion. It was as if my lips weren't enough for him, so he leaned down and kissed my neck. I grasped his back in the throes of passion. It felt so good to feel his lips on my skin. They were soft, warm and inviting. Our breathing became heavy. He started kissing my chest. I could tell that he was thinking of my scar. The scar that had pushed us apart, but also brought us together. It was as if he needed to see it and touch it. He reached down and unbuttoned my shirt. He stared at it, and then put the back of his hand over it to feel it. It was as if he was realizing I was here and I was alive. I put my hand over his, showing him that I understood why he needed to touch it.
We began kissing again, passionate, gentle kisses. I could feel his love for me in those kisses. I showed him how I felt without words, kissing him back. His kiss was better than any I had ever had in my life. I felt so safe in his arms. Nothing could happen to me here. We both smiled at each other in the middle of kissing. This felt so right to me. He felt so right to me. I wanted nothing more than to truly show him how I felt. I needed to feel him tonight. To feel his love for me. I reached down and grabbed his hand, smiling. He stared at me in disbelief; as if he couldn't believe this was actually happening. And he knew what I wanted when I grabbed his hand, where I wanted to lead him. I bit my lip, still holding his hand, and started leading him into the bedroom...