What'd I tell ya? It lives.

Okay, here's the deal. In case you don't know, and you shouldn't, I am Master Hand. The boss. With superiors. Who say they needed the format of my interviews revamped. Dicks.

No one else had a problem with it, except for the Smashers, who didn't really have a choice anyway. But I still want this money, so I decided to do it all over again. Some interviews will remain mostly the same, and even those will be increased in overall length. Cause everybody loves it when something like this murders their time so hilariously.

Whatever. My case stands: I'm fucking rich. Millions upon millions of dollars come to me. But they end up going to everyone else and their dog's pet, leaving me with…well, it is still a lot, but I want more. Then I had this brilliant idea. Celebrity interviews with my employees. The fans want it. The fans'll pay for it. Tape them, release it on video, don't have to pay Smashers crap (not on their contracts), pay the producers a little something, some killings here and there, watch the money come pouring in.

Genius.

It was going swimmingly until they started bitching about my format. Fine. I did it again, and added some crap. Woo-hoo. I win.

Get it? Hope so, cause I'm not stopping for you to catch up.

First Interview: Roy

The redhead with the sword went first. Apparently he has some Marth problems.

The room is a fairly large, fairly plain room with 1 wooden chair and several hidden cameras. The door on the west wall is slightly cracked. Master Hand is floating about 15 feet in front of Roy, who had a question.

"How do I feel about this? I can say anything, or…"

"Yeah. Just…say something."

"Okay. This shit sucks."

Master Hand didn't budge. "Go on…"

"I hate it here. The mansion's too damn crazy for me. I have almost no friends. And Marth…don't get me started on him."

"Oh, do go on," Master Hand encouraged.

"Ew. Anyway, that smash-happy, circle-dashing dickhead keeps taunting me about my speed. 'Roy, your slashes are putting me to sleep.' 'Roy, you fall too fast, try going on a diet.' 'Roy, you fucking suck.' I just wanna take his sword and shove it up his anorexic-"

"Wait." Master Hand laughed a little. "Let's go to flashback."

Marth and Roy are fighting each other on Corneria. Roy has 48 percent, which is 48 percent less than Marth's damage percentage. Roy keeps trying to slash Marth, but he keeps rolling behind him and sidestepping.

"What's wrong Roy? Is your aim off, or are you just totally crappy?"

Roy growled. Marth ran toward the wing of the ship, with Roy following behind as fast as possible.

"Stop running, bitch!"

Roy ran into the tip of a forward smash.

"I'm almost in the 100 percent damage zone. Just kill me already!"

Roy landed on his feet. "Stand still and it'll be easier!"

"It would be for you, loser!"

"Gay!"

"Slow!"

"Blue!"

"Red!"

Marth and Roy ran towards each other. Right before their swords clashed, an Arwing shot and killed Marth.

"Game!"

"Anything else?" Master Hand asked, somehow drinking water.

"Well, there's still the mansion. Not only does that crap continue, but…like I said, it's crazy."

Roy is walking to the bathroom. Eventually he encounters a line with 11 of his fellow Smashers (in order): Zelda, Ness, Pikachu, Young Link, Luigi, Yoshi, C. Falcon, Samus, Falco, Fox, and leading the pack, Peach.

"What's going on?" Roy asked Zelda.

Zelda shrugged. "Someone likes his alone time, let's leave it at that."

"I just need to get this eyelash out of my eye, so…" Roy began cutting. He got as far as Ness, who tripped him.

"No cutting, jerk," Ness said, looking straight ahead. He had to pee very badly, and was trying to keep himself under control.

"It'll only take 10 seconds, unlike…who's in there anyway?" Roy stood up and continued cutting. This time he got as far as Young Link, who tripped him.

"Didn't Ness just finish with you?" Young Link said, looking straight ahead. He had to take a huge dump, and was trying to keep himself under control.

Roy started crawling along the floor to the front of the line, where he stood up and talked to Peach.

"Hey, I had this spot first!" Peach protested.

"The spot is still yours. I just want to know who the hell's in there."

"I think it's Mar-"

Roy slashed the door down the middle and stormed in. Marth was applying his makeup and had been doing so for half an hour.

"Could you be any ruder?" Marth said, not even glancing at Roy.

"Are you that much of a jerk? Honestly," Roy sighed.

"There are like 8 bathrooms in here, not counting this one," Marth argued, curling his lashes.

"Not only is this the most equipped bathroom in the mansion…everyone out there that actually has to use the bathroom can barely move without fucking themselves up. And don't you have a bathroom in your own room?"

"Don't you?"

There was brief silence. Roy slowly turned around and headed towards his room. Peach sighed sadly, while Ness, Young Link, and Falcon collapsed.

"Oh, and there's the 'no girlfriend' thing. Lilina's not a Smasher, thanks to you."

Master Hand chuckled proudly.

"But I still have the fangirls to keep me company."

"Yeah, can we move on?"

"Lots and lots of fangirls. Probably more than Link, if not as many."

"Earth to Roy? Getting good reception up there?"

"I think about 70 percent of them are my age. But a surprising amount pair me with that blue-haired bastard; you wouldn't believe-"

"SHUT UP!"

There was brief silence. Roy started to cry, and was promptly hit by a brick. Then the fangirls came.

"ZOMG IT'S ROY GET HIM!1!1!1!11111!11one!"

The rush took the unconscious Roy and left quickly and silently. Master Hand was speechless.

I'm letting you know now. I killed the fangirls. All of them. Yeah, Roy's interview sucked. But the surviving fans should find some joy in this. Somewhere. Somewhere very deep.

Yes, the differences are noticeable. Especially the fangirl scream. And the extra flashback. And the length, which I'm purposely yet almost justifiably adding to. Okay, I'll stop.

Try killing this now.