Post-series ish. This contains no move spoilers, just the assumption that eventually all seven of the sins from the series died. I came up with this idea that because the homunculi never had a real life the powers that be have taken pity on them. The sins were allowed a second chance to live on our side of the gate in modern times. They're sort of on probation. One condition of this deal is that they all share a house, prompting some sins to wonder if this is actually a punishment.
I never got very far with this idea; I might expand on it and write more later.
This was written because I wanted to write about the sins from an outsider's point of view (and make fun of Lust's taste in guys).
Disclaimer: I don't own the homunculi or any other character from FMA that may appear or are referenced. I the book mentioned is real (I got the info from amazon . com) I don't own rights to it.
Derek could hardly believe his luck. She was the most beautiful girl in the room and she had actually said yes when he asked her out, or at least he thought she had. To be honest he wasn't quite sure if she'd been playing him when she told her name was Lust. But the number she'd given him turned out to be real. And this certainly looked like her real address. He was actually going on a date with her!
Derek walked up and rang to door bell. He waited for a moment then rang again. After a lengthier pause he rang the bell a third time. Just as he was starting to get paranoid, a tall man with an eye patch opened the door. He looked expectantly at Derek.
"Uh, hi, I'm Derek. Is Lust around?" It sounded lame, even to Derek's own ears. He looked around the room nervously. Although Derek couldn't put his finger on it there was something odd about the occupants of the room. Perhaps it was that he hadn't expected Lust to have such a large family. In addition the man that answered the door, there was a boy (or was it a girl) doing a crossword puzzle, a man reclined on the couch reading (Internet Riches: The Simple Money-making Secrets of Online Millionaires), a child who kept jumping on the furniture and a short man over by the door who was grinning at Derek in a way he didn't like.
"She's still getting ready. You can wait inside." The man that had opened the door replied, showing Derek to the family room where most of the others were.
The man that had open the door (Lust's father perhaps) had an intimidating look about him made worse by the fact that he had eye patch covering one eye. "I, um, promise to take good care of your daughter," Derek offered as he felt like he to say something to the man.
The guy laughed with a hearty laugh. Several others the others laughed too. "She's not my daughter," the man explained with a large grin. "We're not related."
"Oh, ah, sorry I guess I just assumed since you lived here…" he trailed off not knowing how he wanted to finish the sentence.
"We have something in common, but we're not technically related." The one doing a crossword puzzle added. Derek supposed he/she was trying to helpful but he was just more confused. Something about that guy/girl was off, probably the hair do, dyed green and resembling a palm tree, what was he/she thinking?
The man reclining on the sofa looked up from his book and smirked. "Envy and Sloth are sort of related. She's like his niece." This idea made him smile, "Uncle Envy, or is that Aunt Envy." He ducked as the palm-tree haired one threw a book at him.
"Shut up Greed," he/she muttered through cursed teeth. Greed merely smiled and threw Envy's (or was it Sloth's) crossword puzzle book back at its owner.
"Ohh Ohh," spoke up the child, "Greed and Pride are brothers." He announced sounding proud of himself for having something to add. Both eyepatch (Pride?) and Greed flinched at this.
Derek merely stared at the Lust's housemates during this exchange. He'd thought her name was a joke or perhaps sarcasm. It never occurred to him that it might be her real name. But all her housemates appeared to be named after sins. What this what the androgynous one meant when he/she said they had something in common?
The exchange was broken up when a voice behind him made him turn. "Can I eat him?" This request came from the short, fat, bald man by the door.
Derek turned and saw that the man was looking at a plate of gingerbread cookies that a nice looking woman who had just entered was holding. "Yes," she told him. "I made eight, one for each of us and one for Lust's date." She handed Derek one and offered the plate to Pride.
"Aww," cooed Pride as he took a cookie "Our little Sloth's becoming domestic." It was hard to tell if there was sarcasm in his voice or not.
Sloth (who Derek now identified as the woman holding the plate making the palm tree Envy) got a distant look in her eyes. "Maybe I should settle down in a country house adopt two sons."
"NO" cried the child and Envy so forcefully that Derek almost dropped his cookie. He was getting an uncomfortable feeling again and started to wonder what was keeping Lust.
"I want two," Greed announced as the plate was offered to him.
Sloth handed him one irritated. "Did you not hear me say I only made eight?"
"I still want more." Sloth ignored him and offered the plate to the child.
"Can I eat him?" This was from the bald man who had finished his cookie almost as soon as it was handed to him. He was now looking at Pride's.
"No, Gluttony you can't eat him" Pride's voice was harsh. He had his own cookie ending all further arguments.
"Hey Greed's is bigger than mine," complained Envy. Sloth gave a long suffering sigh. Derek would have pointed out that naming your kids after sins might account for problems like this, but he remembered she wasn't their mother.
"I'll trade with you," offered the child. Derek racked his brain for which sin was unaccounted for. "I want the small one." After accepting the cookie the child proceeded to break off one of the arms and most of the opposite leg. He looked down at the cookie and laughed in a disturbing way. "I've got your limbs, I've got your limbs," he sing-songed. He broke off the remaining limbs. "Now I have got them all."
"Wrath dear, don't torture your food," scolded Sloth automatically.
Something strange seemed to overtake Envy. He leapt up from his chair stole what remained of the Wrath's cookie and proceeded to pound it into crumbs. "Suffer pipsqueak, die, die, die!" Envy cried out.
"Mommy, Envy stole my cookie," Wrath wined.
"Can I eat him?" asked Gluttony eyeing the mess.
"It's just crumbs," Greed pointed out disgusted.
"I still want to eat him. I never got to eat him."
"Go for it." Greed sounded like he really didn't care though. He went back to his book.
"Envy," Sloth scolded amid Wrath's cries. "Give Wrath your cookie."
"Why should I?" snarled Envy "It's his fault for turning his cookie into the Fullmetal pipsqueak."
"Just give Wrath your cookie so he'll shut up." Sloth replied in tired sounding voice.
"Fine," said Envy. "Here kid," he tossed his cookie at Wrath who caught it and took a big bite eating the head. Sloth muttered something under her breath about how she was never going to bother being nice again. Derek meanwhile was wondering if Lust would ever appear and save him from these people.
"Lust," yelled Pride suddenly, "If you don't get down here soon you'll find your date will have fled…again." Derek wanted to object to this accusation but in truth Lust's family was scarring him quite a bit and he was considering leaving.
"Maybe she should have been called Sloth," muttered Envy.
"Lust suits me," said the long awaited voice from the stairs. There was Derek's angel looking every bit as good as she had when he first met her. She smiled at him.
"What kept you?" asked Envy. "Wanting to look perfect for your date hmm?" There was something sarcastic about the way the palm-tree head put it.
"I can't find my other contact lens," Lust replied. Using her hand she swept her hair back so her right eye was visible. Derek saw that she was indeed wearing one lens. Her left eye was a lovely green color but in the other one apparently she'd decided to go punk. It was violent with an odd looking pupil.
"I think you should skip the lens," he told her "Your eyes are a lovely green." Was it his imagination or did she roll her eyes?
"You could wear shades," Greed suggested. He jumped quite a distance back when Wrath suddenly came after him. "I said she could wear sunglasses, I didn't say she could have mine." He emphasized the last word just a little.
"I want your shades," Wrath announced and launched himself at Greed again. Greed managed to jump out of the way again. "To think I gave up rotting in hell for this," he muttered under his breath as he left the room.
"Can I eat him," Gluttony was looking at the remaining cookie still sitting on the plate.
"I baked cookies," Sloth told Lust with a tone that sounded tired and almost jaded. "The last one's yours."
"Can I eat him?" Gluttony repeated. Lust, who apparently didn't want her cookie, nodded. "Yay," Gluttony devoured the cookie.
"Ready," Lust asked Derek. He nodded grateful to finally leave the house.
"Wait," said Envy "I'll get you some shades." He headed up the stairs. A moment later he came rushing down with Greed on his heels. "Here," Envy tossed Greed's glasses to Lust. She and Derek left the house.
"Your housemates are um interesting," Derek commented as he opened his car door for Lust.
"They're kind of like my family, one big convoluted family. Anyways they were probably showing off for you." Lust smiled. "So you're a religious scholar tell me all about that." As Derek started the familiar subject, he glanced over at Lust. He really was lucky to date a women like her, even if her housemates were freaks.
AN: Derek is pretty shallow isn't he? I gave Envy the book of crossword puzzles because I figured what with living for so long, the guy needs a hobby.
My lame attempt at humor but it was enjoyable to write. Review please.