A/N: This is my first fic! Just a Heya one-shot that I felt like writing to feed off the latest episodes & rumors. Reviews are appreciated. If there's a good response, maybe this will be a prologue to something more to come. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. All rights to Ryan Murphy & Fox.
Dear Naya,
I don't know where to begin with this letter. Maybe I don't know where to begin because I don't want to be writing it. This is single handedly the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.
The thought of living my life without you is the scariest thing I've ever had to come to terms with. You've been such a huge part of it for the last 3 years. But I think you know as well as I do, that it's time to move on. You with the next step in your career, and me with the next step of my life.
So much has changed in three years. Can you believe that where we were when we first started this chapter of our lives? Two girls with nothing to lose, just dreams in our back pocket? I'll never forget when you showed me your dream board. I was so honored that you shared that with me, I went home and made my own. One by one, we were able to accomplish each and every one of those dreams. You inspired me to dream. You also helped me make those dreams come true.
We started as friends, you and I. I remember the first day I met you. We instantly clicked. You called it fate. I'd like to think that it was. I knew from the moment we met that I liked you. I liked you for everything you were, everything you had yet to become and everything that you stood for. You were one to tell it exactly how it was. No B.S., just facts. I loved that about you. And let's face it, you can make me laugh more than anyone on this planet. Anything that comes out of your mouth is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. That's what it was for us: laughing, smiling, dancing, singing... we just loved to be in each other's company.
I miss those days so much. I miss even more how our relationship developed over that first year, and the love we had for one another. I'll never forget how you helped me when Taylor and I broke up. It was in November 2009. I saw it coming really. We had been so distant. I was spending the majority of my time with you. He was still in school. It just wasn't working. But he and I had been together for so long. I was still pretty upset.
You were so helpful during that time: coming over for late night cry sessions, making sure my freezer was fully stocked with ice cream, and making sure that you were always available to talk, even when you were hanging out with Mark. But our relationship started to change after that day. You were blowing off Mark more and more. And one day you asked if I'd stay late after rehearsals. We were working on the "My Life Would Suck Without You" number. You said you needed help dancing, but I knew there was more to it. The choreography was a bunch of moves we already performed. You knew everything like the back of your hand.
We were going through the dances, and you just broke down. You started crying, and you told me we needed to talk. You had asked if I wanted to come over that night. I told you to go home & take a bath, and in the meantime, I would pick up some Chinese food. You were so great with everything that had been going on in my life, I didn't even realize something was bothering you. I felt terrible.
When I got to your house, you were still in the bath, so I set up dinner for us and put on a movie. You came down refreshed. You weren't crying anymore. You just sat on the floor next to me, and laid your head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around you and told you that whatever was going on, I'd be there for you, just like you'd been there for me. You said thanks, and asked if I'd sleep over. We called it a BritBrit Santana night.
Two bottles of wine and a bunch of orange chicken later, we were snuggled up on your couch. You were laying down in front of me, and I had my arm wrapped around your stomach. We were so comfortable around each other. It was normal for us to be touching or cuddling together wherever we were. It was just what we did - you were my best friend.
You started to cry again. You started crying, and I just wrapped my arms around you tighter. The tighter I squeezed, the harder you cried. Then in between sobs, you just whispered 'I love you'. I told you I loved you too, but we always said that to each other. Then you turned to face me and you said, 'No... I really love you. I love everything about you. I'm in love with you, Heather.'
I was stunned. I was in love with you, too, but I had been with Taylor for so long, I never knew what to do with those feelings. And you were dating Mark, so I just pushed them aside. I looked at you... Gosh, my face probably looked horrified. I wasn't though. I was thrilled. I just didn't know what to say back. I didn't know what it would mean. You were still dating Mark.
You cried harder. You said, 'I shouldn't have said anything. Heather, I'm so sorry. It's just been eating away at me, and you've been with Taylor, and now that you're not together... I'd just never forgive myself if I went another day without you knowing my real feelings. That's why I've been blowing off Mark. That's why I wanted to stay after rehearsals today. That's why I've been crying. I know you don't feel the same, but I just...'
Everything you were saying was finally registering. Of course I felt the same. So I cut you off. I didn't say anything. I just leaned in and kissed you. It was the first time we shared a real kiss. A passionate kiss. A kiss that was more than just best friends.
I wrapped my arms around you as tight as I could. I didn't want to let you go. You hugged me back, and I whispered, 'I'm in love with you, too, Naya.' That night we made love for the first time. It was the night we professed our love for each other - emotionally and physically. I'll never forget every detail of that night. The way you smelled, the way you looked, the way you felt, the way your body fit perfectly with mine... Everything.
It was a confusing few months after that. You were still dating Mark. We obviously couldn't come out to the public. We didn't want to jeopardize anything on the show. So, we just sat on our feelings. We agreed we would just wait to see what would happen.
In July, you finally broke it off with Mark so that we could be together. It hurt you, because we both know Mark's a great guy. But I knew what this meant. It meant that we could finally be together. So the two of us planned a trip to Mexico. It was the first thing we could do as a couple. Kevin, Jenna, Telly, Hannah and Brittany came, too. We agreed that since they were our best friends, we'd let them know first. We were living in bliss. It was the most memorable trip I've ever taken. And it has everything to do with you.
We saw movies together, went out on dates, had sleepovers all the time. You even took me as your date to the Maxim party. We were always together - a dynamic duo, on and off screen. We were practically living at one another's houses. You had a bunch of your things at my place, I had stuff at yours. It was you and me..me and you..the both of us together. We did interviews together. Comic Con came and went. We even had that interview with OK! Magazine. We played it off like we were best friends. We just enjoyed each other's company. That wasn't a lie.
But apparently, people could see through our "secret". They knew that we were so much more than that.
That started to put a strain on our relationship. And that's when things started to change...
You've never been one to be scared. Again, it's one of the things I love most about you. But you were scared about this. You were scared that the more people that found out the more it would break us. It would break us up. It would break our careers. It would break you. And it would break me.
I'll have to admit, I was scared too, but my life has never really been about my career. I just want to keep doing what I love to do, but I want to make sure to have a family and a life. That's more important to me. You and I could never see eye to eye on this. I wanted to tell everyone that I was yours and you were mine. Proudly so. But you weren't ready. I didn't blame you, but the more we kept our "secret" hidden, the more tension it caused between us.
You got scared, and you said you wanted to distance our relationship in the media. In turn, you started to distance yourself. We had just finished the best year of our lives, and now you wanted to pull away. I was hurt. And it seemed like we were on a downward spiral that couldn't be stopped.
Then Taylor came back into the picture. I know I hurt you, but I was scared, too. And I was vulnerable. And as much as we loved each other... as much as I still love you.. I wanted to feel loved back. I know you don't believe me, but I never cheated, Naya. And I would never cheat on you. And I know you would never have cheated on me either. But I could feel us growing apart. I was trying to do the mature thing. So, we broke up.
The worst part about it is that we weren't fighting. We weren't even angry. And we still loved each other so much... I still love you Naya. I don't think I'll ever stop. But you were so distant, and Taylor was so close.
When I got back together with Taylor, you didn't talk to me for weeks. It was the worst feeling in my life. When you finally did start talking to me again, it wasn't the same. Sure we were still friends, but there was so much tension. And our entire relationship shifted. When you started dating Matt, everything changed. Don't get me wrong, I like Matt and I know we all go way back. I hope we can all still be friends through all of this... but something inside you has changed. You started to shut me out. Even our onscreen chemistry was different. People started to notice.
You resent me for getting back together with him, and I don't blame you. But you knew we weren't working. I'd have given up my career for you, Naya. My biggest regret in life will always be that we didn't fight hard enough. But because we didn't fight hard enough, everything changed. I'll never regret any of the time I spent with you. Those few months that we were together will always be the happiest of my life. But being around you - like this? It's just too much to bear.
So I'm leaving. I'm moving back to Arizona. I'm going to focus on short films and dance for a while. I need to move on, and I think you do too. We both know that being here, being around each other, it's just bringing us both down. It's doing exactly what you were afraid of: breaking us. It's breaking your career. It's breaking my heart.
But you'll always be a part of me. Last year I never wanted to spend a moment without you. This year, I have to set you free.
If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, it's meant to be. Maybe, one day our hearts will find each other again.
Yours: then, now and always,
Heather