Disclaimer: I own nothing except Fred the pickle.

Episode One: Jonathan and His Pickle Named Fred

One day, in the merry old land of Tortall, King Jonathan pranced through the palace. He closed his eyes and pretended that he was skipping through a field of flowers.

Various Tortallans gaped at their king in horror. It appeared that he had gone mad.

Jon continued his crazed prancing, and suddenly tripped over something. "Egad! What was that!" He picked up the thing he had tripped over. "Gasp! A pickle!" He cradled the pickle tenderly in his arms. "You shall be my best friend forever and I will call you... Fred!"

Fred said nothing. Jon assumed that the pickle was delighted and hugged it tighter. "There's finally somebody out there who actually likes me!"

"Gasp!" gasped various Tortallans. "There is! This is big news! Tell the entire world!"

"I must be really hated and friendless for them to make such a big deal over this. Oh well! Come along, Fred!" He grabbed Fred and they skipped off together.

This guy is a complete fruit... Somebody save me! Fred thought frantically.

"Look everyone!" Jon announced. "Look at my new friend, Fred!"

Gary stared at Jon and his companion with a disturbed expression on his face. "That thing's a pickle!"

"Yes, I know!" said Jon proudly.

Gary became very frightened and hurriedly walked away. Far away. Very far away.

"PICKLE!" screamed a crazed voice. Numair popped out from behind a wall and tried to grab Fred.

"No, my pickle!" whined Jon. "You cannot eat him!"

A single tear slid down Numair's cheek. He looked imploringly at his king, but Jon turned around and walked heartlessly away.

Darn it, I thought that mage guy would've taken me away, Fred said to himself. Oh well, he seemed like a dangerous psycho anyway...

Thayet the queen was walking along holding a mirror no more than four inches from her face. "Ahh... so beautiful and perfect..."

"HELLO THAYET!" shrieked Jon.

"Eep!" squealed Thayet. She dropped her mirror in shock, and it broke into two pieces. "Jonathan, you distracted me from myself!"

"Look at my new friend, Fred!" exclaimed Jon, waving the pickle in his wife's face.

Thayet glared at him. "I bet you like that dumb pickle better than me, don't you!

"I never said that-" began Jon.

"Give me that!" Thayet snatched Fred and threw him in the trash.

Yippee! Freedom! Fred thought happily.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jon hysterically. "FRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!"

"Hmph!" hmphed Thayet. She scooped up the broken fragments of her mirror and strutted away.

"Stupid overly jealous wife..." Jon muttered.

Suddenly, a random hobo came along to dig in the trash. "Hey, a pickle!

"Back off, you hobo! That pickle is mine!" Jon argued.

"But we found it, we did!" the hobo insisted. "It's ours, it is! And we wantsss it!" He then took the pickle into a remote corner and sat there stroking it. "My preciousss..."

Okay, maybe this is even worse than the fruity king, Fred thought. At least the king bathed. This guy smells like a broken privy.

"My precioussss..." hissed the hobo. He stopped his stroking and took a bite out of Fred. "Yum, pickle..."