A/N
This story takes place during Ginny's 4th year, which in other words means during Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix. Ginny is not dealing with her emotions and thoughts very well, and finds alternative methods to distract herself. She soon finds comfort in an unexpected source.
Warning: Self-harm, depression, eating disorders and later drug/alcohol use
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns the characters and this magical world! I sort of envy her…
Chapter one
- Caught -
She didn't like cutting. It made her feel as weak and helpless as ever. But it was her only way of coping with things. Coping with her life. Not many people seemed to notice how depressed she really was, because she almost always kept a smile on her face. Those who had noticed her in the few moments where she dropped her act, always asked what was wrong. The thing was that it was way too hard to explain to someone what was wrong, when nothing seemed to be right. She therefore told them she was tired. They all seemed to believe it.
It was almost two days since Ginny had cut her wrists, but the feeling of hot water running over her red, open marks, made it feel like she was cutting all over again. She didn't like it very much. She only enjoyed the pain when she was in control of it herself.
'Ginny, shall I wait for you? I'm ready to go!' yelled the familiar voice of Hermione Granger from outside of the bathroom. Ginny turned off the shower and pressed the remaining water out of her hair. With a sigh, she stepped out on the cold bathroom floor and was quick to dress into her robes.
'Just save me a seat in the Great Hall, I'll be down in five,' said Ginny as she opened the door. 'Why aren't you down with Harry and Ron anyway?'
'Oh, I overslept really. Stayed up quite late last night to finish off some homework. Umbridge drives me mad,' Hermione explained as she pointed her wand at Ginny's head and said a few, meaningless words. Ginny's flaming red hair was suddenly completely dry.
'Thanks. I'll still need some minutes to get ready, though,' she mumbled as she stepped into the bathroom again, this time staring at her own reflection in the mirror. She had no plans about going down for breakfast.
'Ok… I'll see you later on then,' said Hermione and turned around to walk slowly down the corridor and down the stairs.
Ginny was relieved when she was finally alone again. She slowly dragged her sleeves up to her elbows, revealing some open wounds, some light pink scars, and some white marks which were barely noticeable. Ginny, however, noticed and remembered every single one of them – visible or not. She undressed slowly, while she kept a look at herself in the mirror. She did not like what she was seeing. She knew that she wasn't exactly fat, but she also knew that she would look better if she was skinnier.
Ginny had lost some weight recently, since she started dropping most meals. But it was never enough. She needed to be just a tiny bit skinnier. Michael was concerned about her. He was very careful to tell her that she was perfect in every way, at every opportunity he had. But he made Ginny feel guilty. Michael was really only a distraction from her feelings for Harry. It had always been Harry. It would always be Harry. But for Harry it was Cho. And therefore, Ginny had started dating Michael.
But all this drama about love was way too unimportant to Ginny at the moment. Although it did hurt, there were things going on that hurt more. Like Tom Riddle's return. He haunted her nightmares in her every sleeping moment. She kept wondering if the current Voldemort had any recollection of who she was and what he'd done to her. Or if the experience had been memorized only by the Tom Riddle from the diary and was therefore not memorized by the current one. But her greatest worry was for Harry. Voldemort could make a public entrance at any moment now, by killing him.
Ginny knew that she was weak. She wasn't able to handle these thoughts like a normal person – by staying strong. Maybe by crying once in a while. Maybe by talking to someone about it. But no, Ginny was weak. She had started cutting a few months ago, to get a break from all of her thoughts. Her worries.
She was shaking as she lay down on the cold floor with the razor in her hands. The sharp, hot feeling of the blade against her wrist was immediately relaxing. She had gotten so used to it by now, that it barely hurt. As she watched a thin line of blood run down her arm, she decided that it wasn't enough. The memories from her first year at Hogwarts were still spinning in hear head, and just as she saw Riddle's red eyes clearly in front of her, she cut the razor far deeper into her wrist. All Ginny could focus on now was the pain. It was all that existed in the world. It hurt so damn much, but it was just what she needed.
Ginny lay there on the floor for several minutes, only feeling the pain from the cuts and nothing else. As it started to hurt less, her mind got shot back on reality. She checked the time. It was barely five minutes left until Potions started. She had to leave, now. But she couldn't leave just yet. One last time, Ginny cut the razor deep down into her wrist. A thicker line of blood flowed out this time. It didn't seem to stop. With a slight sense of panic, she rose from the floor, feeling sort of dizzy. She pressed her hand against the deepest cut, until she managed to grab some paper. She held the paper down lightly on the wound, until very little blood was coming out.
Ginny dressed into her robes again in a second, and while still concentering on the physical pain, she walked down to the dungeons. Gryffindors were sharing Potions with Ravenclaws this year, so she was relieved to see that the seat next to Luna still was empty. Ginny quickly sat down, before Snape entered the room.
He held a long lecture about something that Ginny didn't take any notice of. She was staring into thin air, trying as hard as she could to concentrate on the pain from her wrists. It was hard, because it was slowly fading away. And as the physical pain got weaker, her thoughts got stronger.
Ginny noticed that Luna wasn't sitting by her side any longer. She had gone up to ask Snape for something. He was now sitting behind his desk with a bored look in his eyes, only looking up as he realized that someone was speaking to him. Ginny tried to focus her mind on what they were saying.
'You're dismissed from class Miss Lovegood,' was all she could hear Snape say. Luna smiled briefly towards Ginny as she walked out of the room with her bag over the shoulder. Ginny was left alone with her thoughts once again.
'Weasley,' said a deep voice from behind her, which belonged to Snape. Several minutes must have passed. 'Why haven't you started brewing your potion yet?'
Ginny took a deep breath. She didn't dare look into his eyes. 'I – I was a bit confused.'
'At what point of my lecture did I confuse you, may I ask?' muttered Snape as he came to sight from behind her. He kept walking until he stood right in front of her desk, staring into her eyes.
'I – I didn't quite get the part where… well... the fifth ingredient…' mumbled Ginny and tried to act like she was very deeply concentrating on remembering.
'The fifth ingredient, you say?' Snape seemed to hide a smirk behind his usually emotionless mask.
Ginny nodded. This was something that would usually make her very nervous. But now – she barely even cared. What difference did it make anyway?
'Well, well Miss Weasley. To your information there is no fifth ingredient to this Shrinking Potion. 10 points from Gryffindor for not paying –' but Snape stopped mid-sentence. Ginny noticed where his eyes were suddenly resting. Her heart skipped a beat when she too noticed the line of blood that was running down on the palm of her hand. A cut on her wrist had started to bleed again.
Ginny was quick to cover the mess with her free hand, but it was too late. Snape had seen enough, without doubt. He didn't finish whatever he was about to say, and after a few seconds he walked quickly towards his own desk in the front again, as though he hadn't seen a thing.
'Class dismissed,' said Snape.
Ginny didn't hesitate with putting her books down back into her bag, and she was one of the first to rise from her chair. If she was just quick enough now –
'Not so fast, Weasley,' Snape said quietly and put a cold hand on her shoulder as she was walking past his desk. Ginny felt like she stood there forever, waiting for the rest of the students to get out of the room. When they were finally alone, she gave Snape a questioning look.
'I will give you a choice,' he muttered.
'Sir?'
'You can either promise me that you will never harm yourself again, or I will have to take this to your Head of House.'
'I don't know what you're talking about, Sir,' said Ginny. It was best to pretend. He may have seen the blood, but she wasn't sure if he knew that she'd seen his look.
'If I take this to Professor McGonagall, she'll decide whether or not to bring your parents the news. My guess is that she will. If you on the other hand can promise me – right here, right now – to stop, I won't tell a soul.' Snape's tone wasn't directly friendly, but it was more serious than his usual bored voice during class.
'Sir, I – I don't know what to say,'
'Give me your left arm,' he demanded.
Ginny looked surprised at him and didn't obey at first. This was a hopeless situation. She could still feel the blood flowing from her cuts. It was probably going to start dripping down on the floor at any moment now. And still – she didn't want to expose herself. But she saw no possibility for how she was going to get out of this one. She therefore handed out her left arm to her loathing professor.
Snape pulled back the wet sleeve of hers, revealing several bleeding cuts on her wrist. Ginny swallowed loudly, something that didn't pass by unnoticed. He looked up from her arm and into her eyes.
'These are quite deep,' he said. 'But it was not an attempt to take your own life, I presume?' It was not quite concern in Snape's voice. It sounded like he would rather be anywhere else right now, and the only reason for asking was because of his duty as a professor.
Ginny shook her head. 'No – at least not this time.'
'This time?'
'I'm – I'm not trying to kill myself.'
'Very well Weasley,' muttered Snape. 'You can either follow me to my office right now to get your wounds checked up on and cleaned – you wouldn't want to get an infection – or I can walk you to the Hospital Wing, if you feel like you need more loving care.'
'Please, I don't want anyone else to know. Can't you just use a simple healing spell on me, Sir?' Ginny asked desperately. If her secret came out, everything would be different. She couldn't risk anyone seeing her at the Hospital Wing.
'Follow me to my office then. We must have a little chat.' Snape let go of Ginny's arm and walked her out of the classroom. Ginny was shaking with a mix of relief, shock, anger and disappointment. She was disappointed in herself for getting caught. She was angry at Snape for having to make a big deal out of it. She was shocked by the fact that he did actually make a big deal out of it. And she was relieved that she was no longer alone with her secret. Someone – although it was her loathing, greasy professor Snape – finally saw that she was hurting. That she needed help.
A/N
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review and tell me what you think so far.