I stood, staring blankly off into the distance. Behind me, I could hear the celebrations. The war had ended. It was all over. The wind gently caressed my face as my brain struggled to process the events of that day. Part of me was convinced this was all some terrible dream, that I would wake and she would still be alive, waiting to meet up with me at our planned time and place. I looked over to the destruction surrounding me, knowing this couldn't possibly be a dream. No nightmare could hurt this much, could it?
"'Mione, you alright?" I turned to the source of the voice and was met by Ron's kind eyes. I nodded, too drained to even fake a smile. He reached out his hand "come on, then...they'll want us inside..." I took his hand and followed him back to the school.
Inside was a full spectrum of human emotions. While the general air was one of celebration, the Great Hall was full of silent, stunned faces, as well as the occasional mourner who sat sobbing. Eyes sweeping the room, my gaze fell upon a mass of black curls, where she was left carelessly on the floor. The blood turned to ice in my veins and my stomach clenched. If it had had anything in it, it would have come back up. Luckily for me, we didn't have much time to stop and eat these past few days. I didn't notice I had lost balance until Ron sat me down. "Take it easy, Hermione...want some water or something?" I nodded, the room spinning. I could still see Bellatrix, at the other end of the room. "I need to be alone with her" I thought, knowing that would be near impossible. Ron returned with my glass of water, sitting next to me. I sipped at it without even thanking him. I sat, thinking back to everything that had brought me to this moment.
I remembered the first time I saw Bella...in my fifth year. It wasn't exactly what you would call romantic...but then again, nothing about us was.
The battle at the ministry was absolutely terrifying for little fifth-year me. Suddenly, everything we knew in theory was needing to be perfected, and while the DA provided some sort of practice, we were in no way ready for what awaited us. Not really. When my eyes first fell on her at the ministry, the strangest feeling came over me. She stood, eyes ablaze, dark curls a mess, eyeing us like we were prey. When we made eye contact, my knees started shaking and my head went fuzzy. "Come on, Hermione...keep it together...she's not that scary..." I thought to myself. Despite my best efforts, my stomach was in knots.
When the combat actually began in the hall of prophecies, it was total chaos. I had never been in battle and as such was finding it near impossible to maintain a level head. At one point amidst the chaos, I found myself separated from the group. On my own. "Fucking great" I thought to myself. The coast, however, seemed to be clear for the moment, as the battle carried on not far from where I stood. At this point, I thought it would be wise to take cover in one of the aisles. Backing in stealthily, I was momentarily proud of my skill. Then, I heard someone exhale behind me. I turned around, startled. What I saw was almost enough to make me jump out of my skin. Bellatrix Lestrange was standing there, silently watching. I took a deep breath, convinced hers would be the last face I would ever see. It was then I noticed she was smirking. Not out of malice, but rather as if she thought my attempts at stealth were amusing.
For whatever reason, I decided to look into her eyes. At this, her smirk faded away and was replaced with a look of...discomfort? Had I made Bellatrix Lestrange feel awkward? "Must be because she's not used to her victims being brave enough to look into her eyes" I thought proudly, tilting my head with intrigue. As I heard my friends and the battle approaching, I snapped back into reality, realizing that I had been standing there like a useless fool. Never breaking eye contact, I backed out of the aisle slowly, joining my friends as if nothing happened.
"'Mione" started Ron, once again interrupting my thoughts "we should go check on mum..." I mindlessly followed him and felt the nausea return as I looked at Molly Weasley for the first time since she took my Bella from me. I gripped my wand inside my pocket, ready to attack. Ready to avenge my Bellatrix's life. Luckily, my logic set in and I knew that more death would solve nothing. Instead, I let the fury in my soul fuel my fiery hatred for a world that let this happen. The Weasleys were all standing around Molly, offering silent support, while all also feeling the weight of their own grief. It was in this moment that I realized we were all in pain, that my grief was not some lone enigma but rather something felt to some degree by everyone in the wizarding world. It was also in this moment that I realized I did not care.
I held my breath as Molly came over to embrace me. As much as my logic dictates that it was not just Molly's fault and that no matter what, Bella would not have left the war unscathed, I hated this woman. Her wand acted as a knife, slicing away the only thing I had tethering me to the ground. She said words I cannot recall but am sure were kind in nature and smiled kindly. Looking into her eyes, it took everything I had to force a half smile. She turned back to her family and I was left alone.
Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself wandering toward Bellatrix. I looked down at her body, laying helplessly on the ground. She was sprawled out, left there the way she was when she fell; eyes open, her last grin still slightly present on her face. It took everything in me to stop myself from collapsing right there, sobbing and begging whatever gods existed to bring her back to me. I'd have held her in my arms one last time and let myself feel the weight of this moment. But I couldn't. In fact, I knew even standing next to her body for this long would raise suspicion.
"Seems kind of barbaric to leave her laying like this, don't you think?" said Luna, who I didn't notice was now next to me. "Yeah, Luna...it does" without saying another word, she had knelt down and started fumbling with Bella's clothes. I smiled at the gentleness with which she was fixing her up and I knelt down next to her. I closed Bella's eyes, feeling her icy cold skin beneath my hands. In a moment of weakness, I let my hand fall and gently caress her face as tears started pouring out of me. She was beautiful, even in death. Luna put her hand on my shoulder.
"I know, Hermione. I know how you're feeling." I sniffed and wiped my face
"Oh, you do?" I asked, knowing she had no idea of the relationship I had with Bella. Nobody did.
"Well, yeah. There's just so much death" she let out a shaky breath and continued "It's too much...and bodies just lying on the floor...no funeral, no families to say kind words, just left here! It's tragic! Not to mention being surrounded by people who seem to be just fine celebrating all this death, as if a life full of bad decisions and mislead morals is worth less than any other life..." at these words, I saw tears fill Luna's eyes for the first time. She wiped them away. "Sorry, it's just...we called them barbarians for celebrating Dumbledore's death and yet, here we are...". I nodded, tears flowing heavily now and hugged Luna tightly
"Thank you. Thank you for understanding." I whispered between sobs. After a few moments, we broke apart
"I should probably go now; I should make sure Neville and everyone are okay". I nodded, wiping away the tears, knowing I would have to leave Bellatrix's body now. I took one last look at my beautiful Bella, knowing this was not the goodbye she deserved. I noticed, around her neck, the pendant she had worn every day since the day I first saw her. I realized I had never asked her of its significance and felt intense sadness at the fact that now, I would never know. The urge to take the necklace suddenly swelled up inside me, as I looked down, trying to figure out a way I could do so subtly.
"Are you getting up or are you going to stay here all day?" asked Luna kindly. Realizing I would never get the opportunity to take it, I gave up on the idea. It would be far too kind of the universe to let me have even this small token of remembrance. I took Luna's hand as she helped me up, and found an empty table to sit at, once again trying to gather my thoughts.
I thought back to how throughout the rest of fifth year, the summer that followed, and most of my sixth year, Bellatrix was on my mind. Staring intently at the table, tracing the designs of its scratches with my fingers, I thought back to those times, which now seemed so long ago, where I wondered for hours why Bellatrix Lestrange did not kill me the moment she had me alone. I of course did not share my thoughts with Ron or Harry, even then. They would never understand "who cares, 'mione? She didn't kill you, and that's all that's important" I would picture Ron stating. While I knew this to be true, her look of discomfort stayed with me. It was very different from what I expected my impression of Bellatrix to be, so much more...human.
"May I join you?" asked a voice, interrupting my rememberings. I looked up and felt my stomach drop as Narcissa Malfoy stood there, grand as always, trying a half-smile. I blinked, heart pounding. I had never had a full conversation with this woman, and she was terribly intimidating. I realized quickly, however, that there was an added layer of kindness and sadness in her eyes as she sat across from me, resting her hands gracefully on the table.
"I saw you paying your condolences to my sister" she said matter-of-factly, her expression unreadable.
"Uh...yeah, I was just..." I started, quickly trying to come up with some reason to be mourning Bellatrix Lestrange.
"Thank you" she interrupted "it was nice to see that someone in this room sees her as a person, rather than a monster. Even after what she did to you" She said, looking down at the scar on my arm. I smiled awkwardly and put my arms under the table.
"Yeah, well...I couldn't stand the thought of her just being left there..." I finally managed to say, trying desperately to play it off as though this conversation wasn't pouring vast amounts of salt on the wound of my grief. Suddenly, a fresh batch of anger flared up inside me. This world, these people, not only took my Bella away from me, but also made it so that I could not hug this woman, the sister of the one I cared most for, and share in her grief. Here she was, someone who understood the fury and frustration I felt at losing Bellatrix, and I couldn't even talk to her about it. Through my inner turmoil, I looked into her eyes, praying that I wasn't betraying the feelings that were tearing me apart.
"It was much appreciated." She said finally "I may not have agreed with many of the things she did in her life, but the fact still remains that Bellatrix is my sister and I still care very deeply for her." At this, I just nodded gently, as I saw Narcissa's eyes fill with tears.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Narcissa." I said, placing my hand on hers in a comforting manner.
"I'm sorry for yours, as well" she said looking into my eyes, regaining her usual intensity. Suddenly, I grew terrified that she was somehow reading my thoughts and awkwardly removed my hand from hers. Were all Death Eaters capable of Legilimens?
"What?" I asked, frantically trying to practise the Occlumency I'd mastered and yet entirely neglected to use this afternoon, internally cursing myself.
"The Weasley boy...I assume you were close?" She said, not betraying any sign that she had in fact known what I was thinking.
"Oh...yes. Thank you." I said, trying to regain composure. With her hands, she cupped mine and looked deeply into my eyes.
"Thank you for everything, Hermione." she got up graceful as ever, once again showing no signs of emotion on her pale face, yet peering into my eyes with her piercing gaze. In the years that followed this meeting, I would spend hours wondering whether or not she knew about Bellatrix and I. Her gaze seemed a little too knowing, her voice too kind. Was I crazy or was this woman aware of my pain, somehow? Eventually, of course, I deduced that with Bellatrix gone, it did not matter, not anymore.
As she got up, I noticed something dangling from her neck.
"Is that...Bellatrix's necklace?" I asked before I could stop myself, my heart pounding. Narcissa looked down at it.
"Yes, it was. I just took it off her body, since the ministry likely won't be releasing anything else of hers to us..." I nodded, trying desperately to conceal the flurry of emotions swirling inside me.
"I sincerely hope to see you again someday, Miss Granger. Good luck." she said before gliding away.
I looked down at my hands, unsure of how to react. I hated Narcissa for being able to openly mourn as I never could. I hated everyone around me for keeping me from running over to Bella and letting my pain show. I left the room in a hurry, knowing I wouldn't be able to maintain my composure for much longer. I walked the deserted corridors of the school, praying I wouldn't run into anyone. Not now. I found an empty classroom and shut the door behind me, casting a locking charm as well as a silencing one upon it.
As soon as I had cast the spells, I collapsed, feeling sobs shake me. I screamed and cried louder than I thought I could, feeling more pain than I ever thought was possible. I realized in this moment how very alone I really was. Floating in a world I couldn't stand, with nothing keeping me down, nobody making me feel like I wasn't losing my grip on reality. I felt my grief turn. It was in this moment and this moment alone that I let my rage flow through me.
I went into a daze, destroying every item in that classroom, one by one. Spell after spell came flowing angrily from my wand until I was left standing in a room of dusty rubble, panting. I looked at the destruction around me and let out a cackle the likes of which Bellatrix would be proud of. I had never felt so entirely free. As always, though, this freedom was a fallacy.
My throat hoarse with the pain of my shrieking, I came back down to the real world, feeling dizzy. Realizing the mess I'd made on my clothes, I cleaned off all the dust and walked out, leaving destruction behind me. I felt a twinge of guilt when I realized the house elves would probably be the ones to clean it, but kept walking.