Craig Takes Care of Business
By Shadowgate
…...
Ruby Tucker and Karen McCormick were in front of their school. They'd just gotten off the bus for school five minutes ago.
Ruby said "hey Karen I'll bet I can flatten that fat bus drivers tire. Wouldn't it be funny to see a fat man have to get out of the bus and start cussing because his tire is flat?"
Karen answered "well yes but you could get in trouble."
Ruby said "let's have a little fun."
Around the same time Mister Garrison was driving to school. He had a CD in his car that he was singing along to that his friend's helped him record. The song was called "I'm a Big Gay Boy."
"I'm a Big Gay Boy oh yes I'm a Big Gay Boy. Oh I like to get my bare butt spanked. Slap, Slap, Slap
Oh is that a Rainbow I see? Oh I'm a Big Gay Boy. Oh I'm just a silly big gay boy. Oh I love trying
on my mother's dresses.
I'm a Big Gay Boy oh yes I'm a Big Gay Boy. Oh I like to get my bare butt spanked. Slap, Slap, Slap
Oh is that a Rainbow I see? Oh I'm a Big Gay Boy. Oh I'm just a silly big gay boy. Oh I love trying
on my mother's dresses."
Ruby aimed and threw the dart. It hit the tire and the bus kept going. When the tire went flat the bus driver started struggling and lost control of the bus. The bus pulled into the left lane and kept going and Mister Garrison's car and the bus collided. The bus stopped after hitting Mister Garrison's car.
When the bus hit Mister Garrison's car his car spun around and went straight into a sign. The front window was shattered and Mister Garrison was knocked unconscious and his portable CD player popped out and began playing the song.
Everyone was frozen as they'd witnessed this whole accident. Then when the CD player restarted and played the song they were in total shock.
Mister Adler grabbed both girls.
Ruby said "oh Mister Adler I didn't mean to cause that accident. I just wanted to flatten that tire so I could see the fat bus driver get out and cuss. I didn't mean for this to get out of hand like it did."
Mister Adler said "this is what happened when you screw around."
Karen yelled "I DIDN'T THROW ANY DARTS AND I JUST HOPE MY PARENTS DON'T FIND OUT ABOUT THAT SONG THAT KEEPS PLAYING."
Mister Adler said "okay well I need to take both of you to the office and I know you two were honest because I saw the whole thing."
30 minutes later Principal Victoria reported the whole incident over the intercom.
Inside the hallway Mister Garrison's class lined up. Mister Garrison came out from the clinic and said he was alright and class would start soon.
However when Karen McCormick was escorted out by the counselor Kenny rushed up and said "hey Karen I want to talk to you."
Counselor Mackey said "Kenny your sister is going to serve a day of in school suspension for having darts."
Kenny asked "Karen it wasn't your idea was it?"
Karen answered "no it was Ruby's idea."
Kenny asked "did you encourage her?"
Karen said "well maybe."
Kenny snapped "WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAYBE?"
Karen said "well when Ruby said 'wouldn't it be funny' I answered yes but we'd get in trouble."
Kenny said "well you were right about both. A, you're in trouble. B, Mister Garrison's song was funny. Now Karen do you still have those darts on you? You're lucky you're not being expelled for having a weapon on campus."
Karen said "I'm sorry Kenny and they confiscated my darts. I'm glad Mister Garrison wasn't hurt too bad."
Kenny hugged Karen and Karen was taken off to ISS.
When Ruby came out her parents came out with her and they had paper work in their hands.
Craig walked up and asked "RUBY TUCKER WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?"
Ruby answered "I SWEAR I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO GET THAT OUT OF HAND. I JUST WANTED TO PLAY A PRANK."
Craig said "well your goal was to flatten a tire so you could see a fat ass bus driver get out and start cussing. That is not only disrupting a school function but damaging property owned by taxpayers and the school district."
Ruby said "yes and I'm sorry."
Craig said "if you have darts on you hand them over right now or did they confiscate them?"
Ruby answered "they took them."
Laura said "Craig we need to go over paperwork."
Craig said "mom and dad you do your income taxes later right now I'm dealing with Ruby."
Mister Garrison's fourth grade class laughed and cheered.
Craig went on to ask "are you going to be expelled? I sure hope you won't be."
Ruby said "I have three days of in school suspension. Oh my stupid little sister strikes and now Mister Garrison got knocked out and that song gives him worse exposure than our mom got because of that fucking drone."
Thomas said "don't mention that Craig."
Mister Garrison had a pissed off look on his face and his entire class except Craig laughed. Craig turned around and said "SHUT UP!"
The whole class immediately became quiet.
Thomas Tucker said "Craig that's enough disciplining your sister now we need to take over."
Ruby was taken off to ISS.
Clyde said "damn Craig is the man he told his whole family what time it was in the house or should I say the school house?"
Cartman chimed in and said "I run the house when I'm home let me tell you. When I tell my mom to answer the door she answers the door."
Clyde said "no Cartman your mom rules over you. Craig just told his parents when to do their income taxes."
Mister Garrison said "well those weren't income tax papers those are bills they'll have to pay for Ruby's damages."
Clyde said "okay well he cut off his own parents."
Cartman pointed out "Clyde your mom made you put the toilet seat down."
Cartman starts laughing.
Clyde asked "what if you call your mom to answer the door but she's high from drinking whiskey and smoking crack?"
Cartman answered "my mom hasn't done drugs in quite a while."
Clyde then asked "what if when she gets to the door she blacks out from past drug use and doesn't answer it?"
Cartman answered "Goddamn it she would not black out and she knows how to open the door by turning the knob."
Kyle stated "you making your mother get the door while you're closer to the door because you're sitting on the couch watching television is NOT manly it's disrespectful to your mom and shows you're nothing but a lazy fat sack of shit."
Cartman yelled "I'LL KICK YOUR ASS KYLE!"
Mister Garrison said "Kyle, Clyde, Eric, all three of you knock it off or you'll be in ISS we're not playing around after what happened this morning."
Mister Garrison ordered his class into the classroom.
Mister Garrison said "well Craig thanks to your sister a bus was damaged and my car is totally fucked up."
Craig responded "well my sister and I are two different people we're not two heads on one body."
Mister Garrison asked "do you think I wanted that song played before the public?"
Craig answered "no but had that been any other teacher's car that the bus hit we wouldn't have been exposed to a naughty gay song like the one you recorded yourself singing."
Mister Garrison groaned and Wendy said "you're handling this whole situation well Craig."
Craig replied "thank you Wendy."
Mister Garrison snapped at Wendy and Stan became angry giving Mister Garrison a death glare.
Mister Garrison said "well anyhow now that my personal song is out you can be proud of your little sister Craig since the dart she threw hit the target she intended."
Craig said "and you Mister Garrison we already know you are proud to be gay so this song didn't tell us something we didn't know."
Cartman said "well with the big bandage on his head Mister Garrison you're now a gay turban head."
The whole class laughs and Mister Garrison sent Cartman to the principal's office for making a racial slur.
2PM in Mister Garrison's class.
Mister Garrison tries to get on with his lesson but Principal Victoria gets on the intercom.
Principal Victoria said "attention teachers and students today we had a big mishap in the parking lot. The student responsible has accepted full responsibility. However there was a song that was exposed and we're pretty sure Mister Garrison didn't want that song to be exposed to the public. It sure was hilarious to know that Mister Garrison loves to get his bare butt spanked. Ha ha ha"
Mister Mackey joined in with the intercom mic still in operation and said "now Principal Victoria that is not appropriate behavior. This man recorded a song about loving rainbows and getting his bare butt spanked and that accident was a full invasion of his privacy um kay."
Mister Mackey starts laughing hard.
Laughter is heard throughout the entire school.
Then Mister Adler gets on the intercom and says "oh man this is even more insane when the fourth grade boys measured their packages in the boys room. I'll bet Mister Garrison would love to have his bare butt spanked in the little boys room."
Laughter erupts as loud as ever.
Mister Garrison yelled "I'M GOING TO SUE MISTER ADLER GODDAMN IT!"
When Craig got home he gave Ruby a hug and told her he felt really bad about calling her stupid.
Ruby said "well it sure wasn't smart of me. I'm grounded for a month now."
Craig said "well the trouble you caused cost mom and dad lots of money."
Craig then went on to say "but no matter what you're my little sister forever."
Craig and Ruby hugged a second time
THE END