Frontier 02: Selfish
madjack89: Hey JP, guess what?
JP: …What?
madjack89: I'm re-writing your old side story in order to make it better, and I'm changing the name!
JP: …Why?
madjack89: Because I read over it the other day and thought I could have done way better, so I'm going to improve it! Isn't that exciting?
JP: Not really.
madjack89: Well, your opinion doesn't matter, so there!
JP: …You know, now that I think about it, you are a little sadistic, aren't you?
madjack89: Yup! Okay, let's get this show on the road! By the way, it's still going to be in JP's POV.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon Frontier, including JP, Kouichi, and Zoe. I do own Tomoyo, but that's because she's my OC. You can tell because she's slightly crazy. (Hee!)
—
I hated him. I really, truly did. It didn't make sense to hate him. He'd done terrible things, but it's not like any of us could honestly say we wouldn't have done the same in his position. Besides, almost killing us wasn't the reason I hated him. No, it was much pettier than that.
I hated Kouichi because he liked Zoe. I could tell, long before he had a clue himself. He'd liked her from the first moment he saw her, but he'd never make a move on her. He wasn't completely blind to other people's feelings, after all, just his own. He knew Zoe had a crush on his brother.
Yeah, I knew that, too. I saw the way Zoe would act around Kouji. She yelled at him far less than she did at me or Takuya. She was head-over-heels for a guy who, in all honesty, she would never get.
Sure, Kouji liked Zoe and all, but I always got the feeling that there was some part of him that just wouldn't let him love Zoe. He'd opened up to us, and her, but a small part of him would remain hidden, no matter what.
And then there was Takuya, but, truthfully, he wasn't even on my radar. He liked Zoe, but Zoe just thought of him as a friend, and nothing else.
Then there was me, the one with the completely obvious crush on Zoe. It was obvious because I made it that way. It probably got a little annoying for her with my constant flirting, but I just didn't know how else to express my feelings for her other than by blurting them out. I kept at it because I didn't want Zoe to think that I wasn't serious, because I was completely serious. I loved her.
I had begun to think that I had a real chance with Zoe at that time. After all, she had started to actually respect me instead of looking down on me and criticizing me. It made me happy beyond words to know that she didn't hate me, like I'd thought she had.
And then came Kouichi. Kouji's long lost twin brother, who had formerly been Duskmon. I didn't really hate him at first. Sure, I was a little wary of him, but which of us wasn't? I mean, the kid had been Duskmon! For all we knew, Cherubimon had completely brainwashed him and was using him to infiltrate our group. At least, that was my theory. Not a bad theory, if I do say so myself.
Anyway, I did feel sorry for him when I heard his story. I'm not completely heartless. That's what made all of us overlook the Duskmon thing, really. The kid had had it rough. He'd had the news of Kouji and his dad randomly dropped on him, and he couldn't talk to anyone about it. It was no wonder he'd had all that pent-up frustration. Cherubimon had just exploited Kouichi's pain to his advantage.
It was probably pretty ironic that one of Cherubimon's toughest warriors became one of our greatest assets. I'll say this about Kouichi: despite all that's happened to him, the kid can fight. He's got some big power, and he'll use it if any of us are in trouble. I respected him for that.
With all the good things I had to say about Kouichi, it's strange that I'd hated him for one stupid reason. He liked Zoe. Those three little words were enough to make me hate the kid, not for what he'd done, but for what he might do. I had thought he would be able to steal Zoe away from me.
I could tell that he and Zoe had a connection from the start. They just seemed to click, in a way I wished I could have. But I couldn't. Things started getting more and more bleak for me as time went on, and I started getting more and more jealous of how easy it was for Kouichi to interact with Zoe. It just seemed natural with them. I hated that it couldn't be like that with me.
Then I finally snapped.
—
"Kick his ass, guys!" I exclaimed excitedly, waving my arms up and down as two of the best friends I'd ever had ran straight into the lion's den, with the biggest lion of all waiting at the end. At least they had our Spirits to help them. That was a small comfort.
As I watched their figures fade into the distance, I let my arms flop to my sides, sighing loudly. "Well, I guess now we wait," I said calmly, trying to hide how concerned I really was for Takuya and Kouji.
"Yeah." I twitched involuntarily, hearing Kouichi's meek reply. I mentally kicked myself, knowing I shouldn't get mad at him for talking. He was just as concerned for Takuya and Kouji as any of us. Maybe more so.
"Don't worry Kouichi, they'll be fine!" Tommy chirped, having blind faith in his surrogate big brother. I smirked, about to agree with the kid's statement.
Before I could, Zoe said, "Yeah, Kouichi. Everything will be okay. Kouji's gonna be fine, you'll see."
All I did was watch as Kouichi stared at Zoe for a minute, and then smile slowly. Not even Kouji could get Kouichi to smile like that. This was the kind of smile reserved for someone special. Someone like Zoe.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't do this now. I had too many other things to worry about. After this battle, I could figure out what to do about Zoe and Kouichi…oh god, it even sounded good together!
I turned my head quickly, trying to concentrate on the horizon. From where we were, I thought I could see the beginnings of a battle taking place. But I was too distracted to concentrate for long, and when my will gave out, I looked back at where Zoe was standing.
The others had stopped talking and were each watching the battle unfolding miles away. Zoe and Tommy looked worried, of course, but Kouichi looked like he was gonna have a panic attack at any moment.
Good. Maybe that'd get him out of my hair. My eyes widened in shock. Had I really just thought that? I didn't want anything bad to happen to Kouichi…did I?
Zoe must have noticed Kouichi too, because she said, "Kouichi, it's gonna be okay. Don't worry so much."
"Don't worry?" Kouichi chuckled hollowly. "Zoe, I helped Cherubimon do all this. If anything happens to Kouji or Takuya…I'll be responsible."
So he finally realizes that. I told my jerk of an inner voice to shut up as I watched both Zoe's and Tommy's faces grow even more concerned. Bokomon, Neemon, and Patamon had even turned to see what we were discussing.
"Kouichi," Zoe began gently. She was always so soft and gentle with Kouichi. Why couldn't she be like that with me? "This isn't your fault. Even as Duskmon, you didn't know why Cherubimon was collecting data."
"If I were still Duskmon, I wouldn't care even if I knew." I had to admit, he had a good point there. But Zoe wasn't about to go down without a fight.
"Well, you're not Duskmon," Zoe said adamantly, using the excuse we always had to go back to when arguing a point with Kouichi. "You do care, so much so that you're trying to make this your fault. It's Cherubimon's fault that this is happening, if anyone's to blame."
"Zoe's right," Bokomon agreed, joining the conversation. "You're not the one that destroyed half the Digital World in order to collect data and gain power for himself. That was strictly Cherubimon."
"And you didn't really know what you were doing," Tommy added. "I mean, you didn't even remember who you were."
"So you see," Zoe began, smiling warmly at Kouichi, "it really isn't your fault. No one blames you."
I watched Kouichi stare at the others, looking kind of like a deer in the headlights. He was really shocked by their kindness. By Zoe's kindness.
That just shows you don't know a damn thing about Zoe. You don't deserve her! It was getting harder and harder to tell my regular thoughts from my darker ones. It would only take a small nudge to tip me over the edge at this point. Kouichi provided that nudge.
As Kouichi's eyes stopped on Zoe, he did something that surprised everyone, probably even himself. Kouichi suddenly walked up to Zoe and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. Zoe's eyes got huge, and I noticed she had an acute blush.
I could feel myself breaking at this point. The small hope I'd been clinging to, the one that said I couldn't hate Kouichi because I was jealous, was melting away. But I still managed to hang on by a small thread of hope. Kouichi didn't deserve to be hated.
Then I heard Kouichi say in such a quiet voice I was surprised I'd even heard what he said, "You don't know what it means to me to hear you say that, Zoe. Thank you."
"That does it!" That was it. I snapped. "You act like a freaking angel to him, Zee! Why? What has he done to deserve all that kindness? In case you hadn't noticed, he tried to kill us, yet no one but me and Kouichi seem to realize the severity of that! You act like it was no big deal. You've forgiven him for absolutely everything! Not only that, but you treat him like he's something precious!
"Why can't you be like that to me?" I continued, letting my grief and anger all flow out at once. "I've tried so hard, but all you ever do is shoot me down and not take me the least bit seriously. I've saved you! I risked my life to get you your Spirit back when Grumblemon stole it! Why shouldn't I get any of your kindness? What did I do wrong?"
Zoe just stared at me after my rant, tears at the corners of her eyes. And I'd made her cry. At the moment, though, I was much too angry to care.
"Answer me, damn it!" I yelled at Zoe, while in the background a large explosion rocked the ground. This provided the others with a distraction.
"Oh dear!" Bokomon exclaimed, staring out into the distance. Tommy, Neemon, and Patamon joined him, focusing back on the battle. The only ones left were me, Zoe, and Kouichi.
Shockingly, I wasn't even done yet. "You can't answer that, can you Zee? I haven't done a thing wrong, whereas Kouichi's done tons of things wrong."
"Stop bringing Kouichi into this," Zoe growled softly, glaring at me through her tears. "This is between you and me."
How wrong was she? "Haven't you been listening? You treat him better than you treat me, or any of us for that matter, and he doesn't even deserve it! He's…he's Duskmon, for god's sake!"
Zoe gasped, shocked that I would go that far. I was shocked myself. What had I just said? What had I done? I couldn't face Kouichi after that, so instead I stared down at the ground and mumbled, "I didn't mean that."
I waited for what seemed like forever, wondering what Zoe would say to me after that. I knew Kouichi wouldn't hate me like she would, because he agreed with what I'd said, deep inside himself. But Zoe would hate me. After all I'd done…she was actually beginning to like me…now she'd hate me again…
"JP." I was startled when I heard Kouichi say my name. I looked up, and there he was, standing right in front of me. He looked pretty calm, despite the bashing I'd just given him. He sure could take an insult. Another way he was different from Kouji.
I almost didn't want to, but I glanced over Kouichi's shoulder, looking for Zoe. She didn't look quite as calm. In fact, she looked downright furious. I think the only thing keeping her from coming at me and tearing me apart was guilt. Guilt that I'd made her feel. Jeez, she deserved to hate me.
I knew I should probably have responded to Kouichi when he said my name, but guilt was holding me back too. So Kouichi had to do all the talking.
"Zoe," he said, addressing Zoe while still staring at me. "I think I need a few minutes alone with JP. Do you mind?"
Zoe stared at me for a long, tense moment before replying, "Do what you need to do. You can probably get some privacy behind that rock." She pointed at a large boulder jutting out of the rocky ground a few feet away.
Kouichi nodded, motioning for me to follow him. I really didn't want to be alone with him, especially with all the mixed-up emotions I'd just laid out, but Zoe's angry glare got me going pretty quickly.
Before I was out of earshot, though, Zoe whispered, "Don't make it harder for him. He's trying to deal with everything, and you're not helping with this whole issue you have with him."
I almost smirked at what she said. She still had no clue what I'd been hinting at. She really was clueless with romance, but it was one of the charming things about her. "I know," I whispered back before continuing after Kouichi. I hoped he'd be as clueless as Zoe.
We were behind the rock a moment later, Kouichi staring at me, me staring at the ground. He wasn't saying anything, probably wanting me to speak first. The problem was, I wasn't sure what to say.
Finally, I just muttered, "I hope you know that I really, really didn't mean what I said before."
"I know," he replied calmly. Well, I guess that took care of that. But Kouichi wasn't finished. "Actually, I just wanted to tell you…I'm sorry."
My head shot up. I probably looked pretty stupid standing there staring at Kouichi with wide eyes and an open mouth, but I was shocked. I hadn't expected this.
And the elegant poetry that spewed from my lips at this point was, "Huh?"
Kouichi chuckled slightly, most likely because of my confusion. Then he got serious again. "JP, it's not a big secret that you like Zoe, and it's also not a secret that she doesn't exactly return those feelings."
"Did you pull me over here just to tell me stuff I already know?" I asked sarcastically, trying to mask how much his words stung.
"JP, I…I'm just so sorry," Kouichi said, beginning to get a little tongue-tied.
"Okay, stop there," I said firmly, holding up my hand. "Why the hell do you keep saying that? Is it because I called you out on being Duskmon? Look, you've paid all of us back on that, like, ten times over—"
"It's not that," Kouichi said quickly, interrupting me. "What I mean…you don't like me very much, do you?"
"What?!" I exclaimed, as if that were a ridiculous notion. A moment ago I would've just agreed with his statement.
"JP, you don't have to pretend," Kouichi said quietly, glancing at the ground. "You don't like me because you think that me and Zoe are…you know."
My eyes widened, and I felt my cheeks growing warmer. I was embarrassed, completely and utterly. Kouichi knew exactly why I'd acted up before. He knew the reason I hated him.
Hated him. I really did hate him, didn't I? That seemed stupid, especially with the reason behind it. Then I realized why the reason seemed stupid. I was jealous of Kouichi, and not just him. Kouji and Takuya were on my list too. And it was due to one simple thing.
I was selfish.
I didn't want to share Zoe with the others. I wanted her to myself, because I thought that, if compared to anyone else, I'd come out dead last. But if the only option Zoe had was me, well…
I smirked, though not in a good way. In a dark way. "You're sorry for that, Kouichi? Trust me, you shouldn't be. I'm the one who…"
"JP," Kouichi said, interrupting me. "I can honestly promise you that there is nothing going on between me and Zoe. Absolutely nothing."
He said this, but I detected a small trace of regret in his voice. It wasn't much, but it was enough. It confirmed what I'd been thinking. Kouichi DID like Zoe, but he'd never do anything about it. He knew I liked Zoe, and he probably also knew that Takuya had a thing for her. I'd even bet he knew about Zoe's crush on Kouji.
So he wasn't gonna act on those feelings he had. He was most likely repressing them so that not even he knew they existed yet. All for the sake of me, Taki, and Kouji. And I had hated this kid. What kind of a jerk did that make me?
"You martyr," I muttered. This comment got me a curious glance from Kouichi. Before he could say anything though, we heard a large explosion in the distance.
We both rushed back over to the others, putting our conversation in the back of our minds for the time being.
"What happened?" I asked, staring intently at the cloud of dust far off in the distance.
"I'm not sure," Bokomon replied, shaking his head. "I believe I just saw…"
As the smoke cleared, I saw why Bokomon seemed so tongue-tied. Sticking out of the ground and upside down in the distance, was a giant castle. I blinked a few times, making sure I wasn't seeing things. When I was sure that the thing I saw was a castle, I turned to Bokomon and asked, "How the hell did Cherubimon do that?"
"I have no idea," Bokomon said, flipping through his book rapidly. "I've never seen an attack like that before!"
"It looks sort of familiar," Tommy muttered, squinting harder at the castle. "Lavender…"
"Wow, that's a threatening color," I said sarcastically. (Takuya: Ha, take that, Kouji!) (Kouji: Considering it ends up crashing into us, I'd say it was a good idea not to underestimate it, Takuya.) (Takuya: But it's just so lavender!) Will you two shut up and let me finish?! (Takuya and Kouji: Fine.)
"Oh no." I turned to see that Kouichi was staring wide-eyed at the distant (lavender) castle, looking even more freaked out than he had before.
Like before, Zoe noticed this just as I did. "Easy," she said gently, placing her hand reassuringly on Kouichi's shoulder.
I quickly looked away, not wanting to see another one of their little moments. No matter what Kouichi had said, I knew then that I had lost.
—
So that was it. I lost out to Kouichi. I stilled tried, but after that, my heart wasn't in it. Scratch that, my continued effort had everything to do with my heart. I really didn't want to just give up. I still wanted her. I was still being selfish.
Zoe didn't hate me, I found out later. She got annoyed with me a lot because of my flirting. She actually thought of me as a really good friend. But that's all I was to her; a friend.
She explained that to me when we were still stuck on the moon. I had hoped she'd forgotten my outburst by then, but she hadn't. So she gave me the "I just want to be friends" talk. Well, I didn't lie to her. I wanted to continue being her friend. But I also told her I wasn't giving up on her until the moment when she had a good, solid relationship with someone else. That's when I would leave her alone.
She seemed a little exasperated by that, but she conceded. "It's a start," she said.
Well, it looks like I'm finished now. Kouichi and Zoe have finally gotten together. I guess, deep down, I'm happy for them. I'm glad that it's Kouichi with her, because I know he can protect her and make her happy. Maybe he can even make himself happy. He deserves that much.
So the question remains: where does that leave me? I've been thinking about it, and I'm still not sure of the answer. Tomoyo's clinging isn't helping me clear my thoughts.
I'd hoped I'd be able to get her to back off if I Spirit Evolved in front of her. It was a huge risk, but I'd been so desperate to get her away from me, I'd shown her Beetlemon.
And what does she do? She clings even more! So much so that she snuck out of her house, climbed through my bedroom window, and is currently sleeping on my bed. And she kissed me…
I didn't lie when I'd said I liked Tomoyo's kiss. It had sent a charge through me that I'd never felt before. It was a thrill, but that was the problem. It was just a cheap thrill, like a drug. It had given me back some feeling, where I'd been walking around like a hollow zombie all week. Tomoyo had made me feel like I was important for the first time in a while.
But I still didn't love her. I should have told her she was wrong when she'd implied that I loved her from my answer, but…she'd been so happy. How could I tell her that the only reason I'd liked her kiss was because it gave me a buzz? I wasn't so cruel.
Then again, maybe I was. After all, I was leading Tomoyo on, wasn't I? Honestly, I couldn't say I didn't want her around. She made me feel so special whenever she was around. She always listened intently to whatever I said, like what I said really mattered. She cared about me so much that I'd turned into her obsession. And in a sick way, I liked it.
So no, I wouldn't tell Tomoyo the truth. I'd let her think I loved her, so I could get more cheap thrills. So I could get addicted to something other than Zoe. So I could be selfish again.
No. I couldn't do that. Tomoyo didn't deserve that. She may be slightly crazy and obsessive-compulsive, but she really is a good, sweet person. I don't deserve her, just like I didn't deserve Zoe.
Why Tomoyo loves me? I have no clue. But I'll do everything in my power to make her stop. I'll ignore her, I'll call her names, anything to get her away from me. Even if I have to threaten her with my Spirit…
I glance down at Tomoyo, sleeping so peacefully on my bed. I hope it won't come to a threat with her, but if it does, it will be for her own good. In fact, I could start my plan now. I'd nudge her awake, and then…
"JP?" Tomoyo's eyes opened suddenly, startling me. I watched as Tomoyo sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes. "What time is it?" she mumbled, glancing at the clock next to my bed. Her eyes widened when she saw the time. "Midnight! I've been sleeping here for two hours! Oh no, I hope my parents haven't noticed I'm gone!"
"I still have your rope," I said, holding up the rope she'd used to climb through my window earlier.
"Alright." Tomoyo got off my bed, fixed her hair (though I didn't see anything wrong with it…girls are weird like that), and pointed toward a leg of my bed, saying, "Tie the rope there again, would you?"
I quickly did as I was told, tying the rope securely to my bed post. I tugged on it for good measure, then said, "It's tied."
"Yeah," Tomoyo said, glancing at the window. Then she turned her gaze back toward me and added, "So, I'll see you tomorrow after school?"
I shrugged. "That depends on how lenient my parents get."
Tomoyo nodded slowly, then in one of her impulsive moves, flung herself at me and wrapped me in a tight hug. "I love you," she said quietly, smiling warmly up at me.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't push her away, not when she gave me those looks and told me she loved me so much. It touched me too much.
"I love you, too," I muttered half-heartedly, trying to hide my guilty expression from view.
Tomoyo gave me one last squeeze and released me, headed for my window. She grabbed the rope, lifted both her legs over the sill, gave me one last loving glance, and began to climb down.
I wanted to watch to make sure she didn't fall, but I couldn't move. I didn't think it was possible to be literally frozen with guilt, but at that moment I think I was.
I hadn't been strong enough to push her away. I'd taken the easy way out. The selfish way out.
There was nothing left to do, no one left to turn to. So I sank to the floor of my room and stared dully at the wall. And one thought played over and over in my head.
Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
—
madjack89: Well, that seems more in depth, wouldn't you say?
JP: Man, no wonder Kouji and Hotaru seemed so depressed after you wrote their one-shots.
madjack89: You're not gonna go all emo on me, are you?
JP: Nah, I'm not the emo type. I just go through rough patches, like this one. Then I just bounce back.
madjack89: And ending up with Tomoyo had nothing to do with it?
JP: …It helped.
madjack89: Pretty much. Alright, read, review, do what you do! (lol)