I have to admit... I really didn't think anyone would read, let alone like, these stories. 'Faults' sort of follows '10 Things I Hate About You', but you can read them as their own stories or as a continuation. Its up to you.
Faults
A misunderstanding.
A stupid idiotic misunderstanding. One that, as usual, had been left too long because of an over-abundance of inherited pride and arrogance from his father. Now, exactly what he had hoped would never happen again, was indeed happening. Too stupid to learn his lesson the first time… a recurring fault that both his father and brother would have been the first to attest to… Sheppard felt like he was reliving an old horror movie of his life.
Sure both Captain and Major John Sheppard had always blamed his work for ruining his marriage to Nancy, but the truth was he'd just left too many things unsaid. Let too many situations, pass him by, in which he could have shared his true feelings… allowed too many fights to dissipate with either him leaving for another tour or her jetting off for some political function.
In the end, he'd just admitted defeat and walked away. He'd done the same when things between himself and his father had gone too far. When his choice of career had been disappointing to the old man and nothing, not even John's heroics and medals, could convince him that his son wasn't wasting his life. That had ended things with his father, and shortly thereafter his brother. That last altercation with his father had even set about the beginning of the end of his marriage... although he hadn't known it at the time. That inability to speak from the heart and settle things was one of John's biggest flaws. Something he'd learned to live with.
Now, five years and a couple promotions later, it was happening again. Without meaning to, he'd lived to see his life come full circle. It had only changed locations… changed variables and even people. Still, it was the same and just as before he was making the very same stupid mistakes. It was unavoidable. A part of his personality. It was who he was. The same as the military had shaped and molded him, that inability to express his true feelings had turned him into a man without the courage to seize any moment that would change that.
So here he was. Making the same stupid mistakes and he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was going to end the same. The same way it always did.
John cringed, thinking of all this as he finished his coffee on one of the many balconies of Atlantis.
It made him sound like a habitual quitter concerning all things domestic. He knew he was a little screwed up, sure. Everyone was in one way or another. It wasn't as if he was always like this. He was always the last one to give up on a friend in trouble. He was comfortable to keep playing the game despite how many people threw in their cards and left the table, disappointed and disillusioned. No. John was fine with staying, even if it cost him everything. He had never been afraid to charge directly at a dangerous situation, even if it meant suicide for the greater good. He wasn't a coward or a fatalist. He was brave and courageous. A staggering number of his superiors had called him reckless but even they could not deny his heroism, however misguided at times.
Still… it appeared that when it was personal, that's when things changed. When it was his life… his happiness and future on the line… that's when he fumbled the ball. Every time. When things got complicated he always took the easy way out, despite the unhappiness that resulted, and cut all ties.
He actually admired his friends and their ability to do just the opposite in their own personal lives. Ronon, McKay, Elizabeth... they'd all gone through so much for the sake of their own happiness. Never once giving in when things didn't go their way. Ronon stilled loved the woman he'd lost on Sateda during the war. McKay had changed his entire personality with the help and support he received from Jennifer. And Elizabeth... although she'd never admitted it aloud, John knew she had never truly given up on Simon.
Then there was Teyla…
Sheppard glanced across the large balcony to where she stood with her baby, now a few weeks old and very much in perfect health. He watched her smile at some of the more nerdish scientists, as they offered her praise for her handsome little boy. It made him smile, her sweet nature even with the more taxing personalities of Atlantis. She always made them feel important and valued, no matter who they were.
John forced himself to push away from the railing though, savouring that last look, before he left.
In the past week or so, he and Teyla hadn't exchanged more then a few simple words. Once again his own fault… that dammed pride of his.
He still checked up on her everyday though, despite their relative distance. He'd caught glimpses of her and Torren while they went about their daily activities. He'd even ask discrete questions, most of which Rodney would answer with long drawn out answers chalk full of detail and animation, completely oblivious to the game he was playing at. John would just listen carefully, eager for any bit of news he could gather without having to face her. He even looked forward to those long and drawn out conversations with McKay. As long as he could hear, daily, in some form or another that both Teyla and Torren were doing well he was content.
That concern, however, did not bolster his courage enough to break the silence that existed between them. Not yet anyway. No, he made his escape yet again without being obvious and once more made a clean getaway. A departure that although was preferred to actually addressing the underlying problem, only filled him with more guilt. He was only postponing the inevitable now, and as a result he knew it was only making matters worse. Still, he cut his losses and kept on going.
\/ \/ \/
Teyla frowned at her tea, holding the mug in her hands upon the smooth tabletop. Its warmth was comforting but it did very little to aid in soothing her foul mood.
"Ok. What's wrong?"
She looked up, meeting Ronon's accusing gaze which was offered across the table. In his arms, cradled carefully, was her sleeping baby. The image of this, Ronon and Torren, made the infant appear even smaller and more delicate then she ever thought possible. A sight that also made her dearly want to smile, locking it away safely in her memory, but her pensive mood made that impossible.
As much as it touched her to see her friends accept her son with such joy and seriousness, this was not the moment to express that gratitude. Not when her heart wasn't in it. So, forcing a menial smile, Teyla raised her mug of tea to her lips and blew on it before taking a tentative sip of the spicy liquid.
"It is nothing."
He raised a brow. Ronon opted for silence, as he usually did, and allowed this simple look to speak to her. As always, it had its desired effect and loosened her tongue without any further prompting. She gave her shoulders a little roll and looked back at the table, irritably picking at its' smooth texture.
Ronon smiled, knowing he was on the right track, and held his hand out to Torren as he stirred. The little baby unsteadily reached for the finger he was offered and gripped it before closing his eyes again, content and satisfied with the giants' continued attention.
"How's Sheppard?"
Teyla's jaw tightened, she looked across at Ronon with annoyance but he only grinned at her.
"Come on." He chuckled knowingly. "I'm not stupid. What's going on with you two?"
Teyla sighed and turned her head, looking out over the city from where they sat on one of the many balconies it boasted. Now that it had been asked, she could not help but seek the friendly advice she so needed.
"I do not know. I have not spoken with him in many days. I am beginning to fear that he is purposely avoiding us."
Ronon remained silent, but this time it was because he knew this was true. Sheppard was avoiding Teyla. He had never been very far away from any of his team members for very long, so this conscientious avoidance of Teyla was not easy to paint as normal behavior. Despite how subtle or sly he might of believed he was being, Sheppard's distance was blatantly obvious.
"You know Sheppard, he's not really good at talking." Ronon replied easily, using the truth as a blanket excuse for his friend's strange behavior. He did not agree with it at all, but she was right and he had no right to lie to her and use some other excuse. Sheppard didn't deserve any freedom of blame in this.
His eyes shifted down to the tiny baby in his arms. A tiny baby that he knew was loved fiercely by all, especially Sheppard. He didn't understand why John was being such an idiot but he knew that this innocent child was part of the problem. A terrifyingly big change in all of their lives and a definite wedge between him and Teyla. Ronon knew John well enough to know that for a certainty.
As he contemplated this, his thoughts closing himself off from the surroundings, Teyla watched him. Once again she couldn't help but notice the oddity of the scene. Not only was it a massive solider of a man holding her tiny baby but it was Ronon Dex holding her infant son. A sight she was never thought she'd live to see. It made her wonder if he and Melena had ever discussed children. Would Ronon have been a father already if his Melena had survived the siege on Sateda?
The sadness that followed that unanswered question, made Teyla return her eyes to her mug of tea. Whatever might have been, all she knew was that Ronon was a good friend to her and she was lucky he was part of her son's life. As she was to have so many in Atlantis, and even on Earth, who cared for her child. Still it made her feel very small.
"I had hoped..." Teyla uttered, pausing only shamefully when Ronon's gaze met hers again. "... I thought at least, that my decision not to return to my people and raise Torren there would be acceptable to everyone but I am starting to fear that I was wrong."
Ronon blinked. Her confession hadn't been what he expected her to say. He thought she'd be mad at John, not full of shame.
"We were all there when Wosely asked you what you wanted to do." Ronon frowned. "Sheppard wanted you to stay as much as the rest of us did."
Teyla glanced back at the ocean vista, frowning as she did so. "I know. I also know that he cares for Torren as he does any other child that has resided here... but considering how difficult things have been since I told him of my pregnancy I feel like he only acts as he does to spare my feelings."
Ronon understood that. John had changed considerably as soon as he found out Teyla was pregnant. Still, she didn't deserve the kind of treatment she was receiving. Not from someone who was supposed to be her friend. Not after she'd gone through everything she had in the past year.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Ronon asked, quietly, but his gaze was steady and rather determined. The question was meant as a kindness more then anything, because he'd already made up his mind, he didn't need advice or permission to fix this.
"No. Please don't." Teyla replied quickly, knowing him well enough to understand what that look meant. "I can handle this myself."
Ronon remained silent, just watching her with that observant gaze of his. He didn't doubt she could, but he wondered if Sheppard would give her any opportunity to do so.
\/ \/ \/
He waited until their next sparring match. It was barely even a day since he spoke with Teyla, but the problem had not yet been resolved so his patience was wearing thin. He had never been very good at just sitting around waiting for things to happen.
Inability for patience aside, he might have just been a little more tense then normal. He might have just been a little more enthusiastic in the way he channeled his frustration during the session. Still, this only caused his opponent annoyance as he tried in vain to keep up.
The session took its normal course, regardless of the secrets each of them protected. The first few well placed blows were congratulated. As this continued, these congratulations became good humored insults... each one a little more spiteful then the last… then grumbles of legitimate pain followed. Finally, these grumbles of pain transformed instantaneously into true anger.
"What the hell!" Sheppard exclaimed, groaning as he cradled his chest with both hands. "Are you trying to kill me?"
Ronon just continued to circle the room, looking like nothing less then a ravenous animal circling its prey. John, kneeling on the floor, bent in half and uttered another curse before struggling to straighten up. Ronon watched, noticing quite easily how John didn't even attempt getting to his feet yet. Perhaps he'd had enough.
Pleased to at least have his full attention, Ronon decided he'd waited long enough for things to settle themselves.
"What are you doing Sheppard?" He asked, his jaw a little tighter then it might have been otherwise.
John struggled to his feet, hunched over sickly as he forced himself up one knee at a time. "I don't know… maybe trying not to die!"
Ronon twirled the Bantos stick in his hand and continued to pace. "No. With Teyla."
John stiffened at the name. He looked at the giant, only now able to stand up straight, but kept his hand on his sore chest. A silent request not to be attacked again quite yet.
"Is that what this beating is about?" He growled, quite sure he felt a rib crack as he did so. "Something bothering you, big guy? You want to talk, you could have just said something instead of beating the crap out of me!"
"She wants to talk." Ronon growled back without any sympathy at all.
John narrowed his gaze at his friend, growing angry this supposed friendly session had gotten so personal all of a sudden. "Then why send you?"
Ronon flashed a rather dangerous grin. "She didn't."
"And so you're here beating the crap out of me because…?" John growled, throwing his tired arms out wide.
"Because you're an idiot, Sheppard." Ronon quipped, pointing the Bantos stick at him. "She's been through enough. She doesn't need you acting like you don't want her here."
"What?" He exclaimed.
Ronon exhaled, relaxing his stance as he continued to glare at Sheppard, but his entire frame still seemed to reverberate with justified anger.
John abandoned any attempts to try and argue his way through the unfolding conversation, because he knew it would not end well. Either Ronon would just yell right back, eventually beating the crap out of him or… he would just beat the crap out of him. There wasn't a third option.
So, attempting to calm things down, John wisely rephrased his reply.
"I know things have been tough but how have I'm just trying to get used to everything being different around here. Its not like I'm-"
"You might as well be." Ronon growled, his anger seeming to have come down a notch or two but no further. "Get used to things faster or they'll change again."
Sheppard exhaled slowly, his chest still burning from the wooden sword's strong blow, and nodded.
"Yeah, I'm trying." John growled to himself and turned a little circle as Ronon came to a stop across the room, standing like a formidable wall between him and the door.
"What? You think I'm going to bolt?" He asked, looking at little surprised by the measures Ronon was taking.
The man arched a brow accusingly. "Maybe."
John turned away, shaking his head incredulously.
"What's going on, Sheppard?" Ronon asked again, this time pressing harder for a true answer.
John turned and looked back at him, his gaze oddly one of regret. "Nothing. I'm just giving her… space."
Ronon drew back. "For what?"
John winced, clearly not wanting to answer that. Ronon didn't care if he did or not, he wasn't going to leave without giving him the answers he wanted. Hell, he wasn't going to leave until he swore he was going to fix all of this immediately.
The Runner narrowed his gaze, that silent threat evident on his face. Sheppard's jaw clenched but he couldn't hold his own, not against Ronon when he was set on something.
So, uttering a moan of defeat, John turned away and began pacing.
"Fine." He growled. "You want to know why I'm keeping my distance, because I sure as hell don't want you thinking I'm forcing her out."
Ronon grunted wordlessly, waiting.
"I'm staying away because…" John hesitated, once more making that sour kind of face he made when Rodney annoyed him. "… well, someone asked me to. They didn't like that we were close. Didn't think it was right."
"Who? …Carter?" Ronon demanded.
"No." John was quick to defend Sam but he only raised his hand to his face and rubbed at it irritably. "Kanaan."
Ronon's frown faltered a second. "Kanaan?"
"Yeah." John frowned, once more turning a lazy circle as he explained things. "Apparently he'd heard all about us a while back… and... well... got the wrong idea about me and Teyla. Something she said or maybe Halling... I don't know. He had it out for me from day one."
Ronon scoffed, a little disappointed in Sheppard's cowardice. "You guess he got the wrong idea so you're avoiding her?"
John frowned, suddenly very calm and very much annoyed to be painted as the coward.
"You really think I'm that preceptive? No, Chewie. He told me to give them space. Had it out for me from day one. Even pulled me aside and spelled it out for me. Normally I would have laughed it off, like Rodney and his sister." Here he inserted a mock smile, an attempt to add levity but Ronon didn't buy it so he abandoned the attempt and grew serious again. "... but, considering..."
John fell silent. He couldn't say it. He physically couldn't confess it. He didn't care if everyone knew that he and Teyla cared about each other, he still couldn't say just how right Kanaan had been in putting him in his place. The man had known that he was a danger to their happy future. It was true. John had fallen for Teyla a long time ago. He'd never stop admiring and caring for her.
"Sheppard." Ronon said plainly, drawing his attention back. "Kanaan's gone."
"I know that!" John glowered suddenly. He turned away again, reaching up to touch his tender right brow. The location of one of Ronon's first well-landed blows. It was stinging painfully, and he wasn't surprised to see a touch of blood on his finger as he drew his hand away. "He just… he brought up some good points, you know."
Ronon was silent a moment. "Like what?"
John rubbed the blood stain between his fingers and shrugged helplessly. "Teyla's a mom now. A mom. As much as we liked having her in the field with us, I don't think it's realistic to think she'll ever be out there with us again."
"You mean she can't?"
"Why would she want to?" John returned. "Leaving her kid behind, every day, like that?"
Ronon was silent. John wanted to rage, he'd let him rage.
"Besides, a team is like a family and who are we to show him what's best? In case you haven't noticed we're three of the most screwed up people here. You and your shoot-first, beat-the-crap-out-of-everyone attitude. McKay and his ego. Me and my issues with making not-so-great friends. I mean, we spend very much time with Torren and we're going to screw him up bad."
Ronon couldn't help but smile. He could see it all unfolding, just like Sheppard laid it out. Funny thing was, it didn't seem all that bad. To John, however, it clearly was. He glared at Ronon just standing there smirking.
"You know, big guy, you're not being much help here."
Ronon gave a shrug and twirled the stick in his hand once more, daring him with that smirk. "What do you want me to do, beat some sense into you?"
John scoffed, smiling a little despite his better judgment.
"Kanaan's gone, Sheppard. He's not coming back." Ronon repeated firmly. "Whatever he said to you doesn't matter. And you want to know why?"
John's eyes met his, both plaintive and accusing, as he waited for his answer.
"Because, problems or not, no one is going to love and protect Torren more then you."
John's gaze slid effortlessly to the floor. His chest tightened because, as much as he wasn't ready to admit it out loud, Ronon was right. In years gone by, John had willingly put his life on the line for others. He'd done so because he had nothing to loose. Now, he had everything to lose and still he'd give it all up to keep this woman and her son safe. Two people that did not belong to him, but that meant everything to him.
Sheppard blinked hard, that moment of clarity feeling like a shock to his system. He looked back to Ronon, just standing there waiting.
"Not even you?" He asked, that smug smirk of his appearing for only a moment.
Ronon smiled. "Yeah, well. The lie was supposed to make you feel better."
John chuckled. He could see the honesty in that as well. Ronon did and would continue to love Torren as if he was his own. John doubted anyone else besides himself felt that strongly about the Athosian and her son.
"It should have been you, buddy. I could have handled that, at least." John remarked with an almost regrettable smile. "At least you wouldn't of seen me as a threat."
Ronon smirked. "No. You wouldn't of been."
John grimaced, almost wanting to smile himself but turning another lazy circle instead as he procrastinated the end of this conversation and the inevitable beginning of another.
"You're messed up Sheppard, you know that?"
John threw his head back and moaned with frustration. Yes, he knew that very well.
"Just go talk to her. Tell her how you feel." Ronon advised with that tiny little smug smile of his. "You know she feels the same way."
John stopped and reluctantly met the giant's eyes. His brows raised slightly as Ronon gave him a little shrug, as if suggesting what's the worst that can happen? Sheppard knew exactly what the worst case scenario would be. He could think of a dozen of them. Still, Ronon left him with that unasked question, forcing him to answer it himself.
Sheppard stood there, alone in the room and thought about the weeks he'd been carrying this secret of his. The details of that conversation with a jealous man. A conversation that bore the request of a now dead man, which John still felt bound to honor.
"Crap." John grumbled, knowing he could not prolong the inevitably any longer. Whether he went and did exactly what Kanaan had feared or not, he couldn't ignore Teyla forever.
He followed Ronon's exit, rubbing his sore chest as he went.
\/
John walked, vaguely determined, back to the main section of personal quarters. He paused a few times, hesitating as yet another worst-case scenario popped into his mind.
Another bad trait he might pass onto Torren without meaning to. Or the possibility of Teyla agreeing wholeheartedly with Kanaan about wanting space from him. A nuclear disaster that could have been avoided had John not been watching Torren laughing at a youtube video of a monkey.
It was all idiotic, he knew that, but still it plagued him as if each all had legitimate possibilities of occurring. So much so that, faced with the sudden sight of Teyla's door, John desperately called McKay in the control room. Praying for some disaster looming, which would call him away and free him from this very long overdue conversation with Teyla, John held his breath.
"…No, everything is fine here… why?" Rodney asked over the comm, sounding suddenly concerned. "Did Zelanka-"
"No. I was just wondering… if you needed me to do anything… or anything." John closed his eyes and cringed. He sounded pathetic. A pathetic idoit.
There was a pause then Rodney came back, yet again never helpful in these kinds of situations.
"No. …Are you ok, Sheppard?" McKay responded slowly and then all at once. "Because I think I might have-"
"I'm fine, Rodney, so are you." He growled then looked up at Teyla's door just meters away. "Forget I called. Sheppard out."
He forced himself to approach, cursing the fact that there was always disasters when you didn't want them and then, when you could have used a good old doomsday scenario, there was nothing.
Stilling those supposed regrets, he reached up and knocked on the door.
In a few short seconds the door opened and there stood Teyla with little Torren in her arms. Surprise registered on her face immediately. He noticed the way her muscles tensed a little but he kindly chose to ignore it.
"…John." She smiled.
He returned it, however a little forced, and tried to overlook his anxiety now that they were finally face to face.
"Teyla." He nodded to her but when addressing Torren, he chose to reach out and give the little baby a light tap on his nose with his index finger. "Little man."
The baby blinked then gave a little smile. He didn't care if it was just gas, he'd take it. When he looked back at Teyla she seemed a little concerned, as if wary for his presence.
"Is something the matter? Was my radio off...?" She asked politely.
"No, no. Just… uh… just passing by. Thought I'd come say hi." He replied, again directing most of attention to the baby instead of the mother he'd come to see.
"I see." She nodded slowly then brightened a little, her entire body visibly relaxing. "…I was just going to take Torren for a walk. It helps ease him to sleep. Perhaps you would like to join us?"
John thought about it for a moment. A walk. Alone with Teyla and Torren. The very thing Kanaan had not wanted. The very thing he had no control over now though. John made a quick mental apology to the dead, then gave a quick nod and did the very thing he promised he would not do.
"Sure, why not."
"Wonderful." She stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind her before turning towards the transport down the hall.
Once on the move, John felt awkward just striding alongside her with nothing to occupy his hands with so he paused and turned to her.
"Here." He said as he reached out, requesting the baby for himself. "You carry him all the time."
"You are sure?" She questioned, displaying a little frown that was more surprise then concern.
"Yeah, of course. Give someone else a chance." He told her, making a face at Torren. He couldn't help himself. "Besides, Torren and I have been through a lot together. We haven't seen much of each other since my surgery. We need some 'Sheppard time'."
Teyla relinquished her baby with a little smile, watching as John easily cradled the swaddled child in his arms. It was quite a sight.
"Where are we going?" He asked, glancing up and down the hall once the baby was secure in his arms, gratefully giving them a purpose.
It was a task to focus on the question instead of the one posing it, but she managed. "We usually walk in the outer parts of the city, where it is quieter."
"Right. I knew that." John replied, taking a step towards the transporter.
Teyla followed silently, confused by this sudden change in him. It was a short walk to the transporter that was filled with relative silence, although a little awkward, it was welcomed. It wasn't until they stepped into the transporter and then out again, that Teyla stole her first good look at John and spoke.
"What happened?" She asked, gesturing to the small cut on his brow.
"Just a little sparring match. Ronon got in a lucky swing."
The casual smile slid off his face quickly as he realized just how easily he had given up whatever anonymity he had, concerning who had forced him to finally break the silence between them. In hindsight though, at least now he had someone to openly blame if things went badly. Something he always found handy to have at your disposal.
Teyla, understanding now why John had suddenly come to see her, closed her eyes and cursed her Satedan friend. Still, she followed Sheppard as he headed down the nearest hallway. They strolled at a comfortable pace, but it was a moment or two before she finally spoke.
"I am sorry." She said as she fell into a comfortable pace next to him.
"For what?" He frowned, playing his part of ignorance very well.
Teyla sighed. "Ronon. I have no doubt that he spoke with you about us."
John was silent. Her use that that particularly intimate pronoun 'us' distracting him momentarily and causing him to clear his throat awkwardly.
"He might of mentioned something like that… yeah."
Teyla smiled lightly and kept her eyes fixed on the hall ahead of them as they walked. The silence fell between them comfortably, as it once had.
"He might of… well…" John cleared his throat again, glancing around with limited interest. "He might of also mentioned the fact that I've been acting like an ass lately."
Despite herself, she smiled. Yes, she didn't doubt Ronon had covered that topic well. It made her a little ashamed, especially after how wonderful a friend John Sheppard had been over the years but... selfishly she was pleased Ronon hadn't let him off easy. As much as Teyla loved John, she was still sad she hadn't the opportunity to draw on his strength and friendship these past few weeks.
"Sorry about that." He added, concluding his statement as he looked down at Torren, just as the baby's eyes started to grow heavy.
Teyla fought with a possible reply. She wanted to stay mad and a little sore at him for being distant as he was when she first had Torren and then when she lost Kanaan. In the past four years, she had never not had John around when she grieved someone's death. She'd gotten used to that. Having him close by.
Still, her kindness won out, squashing whatever selfish feelings she had on the matter. He didn't need to know just how much his distance and silence during those days had hurt her. It wasn't kind of her to tell him.
"Your apology is not necessary." She told him, although it did mean a great deal to her.
"I should have been around more… for you." He continued, adding each little statement like he was unsure of where to stop.
Teyla gave a little shrug, trying to appear content and understanding. "You have much to occupy your time. You are invaluable to the city and its people, as well as a leader. It is understandable that you do not have the… freedom the rest of us do."
Silence fell once more between them as John found he had nothing to say to that. She was being too generous. They both knew work wasn't what was keeping them apart. Still, with no real excuse besides the only one… the one that would hurt her, John kept his mouth shut.
Teyla's lips lifted into a rather sad contemplative smile. "… I sometimes wonder what Atlantis would be like without you."
John gave a little scoff, thankful for the offer of a change in subject, his good humour returned for the moment. "You fantasizing about getting rid of me?"
She caught his sideways smile but quickly looked away, hurt that he would even joke about something like that.
"No. Not at all." She told him, frowning rather sadly.
After all they had been through, everyone on the base knew that they would not be where they were without John Sheppard. In all honesty, there was a very strong possibility that they would have all died a long time ago if it had not been for him.
"Well, good." He glanced sideways at her, noting her frown and tried to attempt a little damage control for his misguided joke. "… because I'm not planning on going anywhere."
"Of that I am glad." She responded quietly, keeping her eyes away from his.
John exhaled, his chest wound stinging as it did, making him wince but that pain was nothing compared to the irritation of this unspoken thing between them, still being so obviously avoided.
"… So... how are you doing?" He asked then, trying to appear casual but she knew it was a difficult thing to do. "You know, with everything…?"
Teyla exhaled slowly, her hands raised to find solace with each other. The wringing motion of her hands felt comforting. How was she doing? Truly?
"I am alright." She finally answered him.
He looked across at her, not believing a word. His gaze, sad and quite obvious about it, made Teyla fold her arms around herself in a hug.
"…it has been difficult but I am not alone. Ronon and McKay are never away for very long and Jennifer has often offered to watch Torren, should I need assistance. Halling, as well, has offered several times that we would be more then welcomed to return to the village. Even if just for an extended visit."
John was silent a moment, his mouth suddenly dry. "You won't… uh… you wont go back, will you? I mean, to stay?"
Teyla's frown was evidence of her indecisive feelings on the matter. "I do not know."
John stopped walking and turned to her, all his nervousness forgotten. "You know you have friends here who will help you just as much as your people will, right? If you need more help just say so. We can do anything to make things easier."
She held his gaze a moment, long enough to nearly launch him back into his anxious fears, before answering diplomatically. "I am alright, truly."
"Then why bring up Halling asking you to move back to the village?" He grumbled.
"I never said I had decided we would accept the offer." She tempered.
"Well, it sure as hell sounds like you're considering it." He complained.
He glanced down at the baby in his arms. Sheppard understood the attraction, raising a child in the safety of a family unit. Extended family or not. It was an attractive offer. Especially for Teyla, being so close with her people. Even if she didn't say it out loud, he knew that it meant a great deal to her that Torren be Athosian, not Atlantian.
"… I had only considered it because I thought it might be preferred." She spoke up, focusing his attention on her once more.
"By who?" He demanded, offended someone would suggest that to her.
She gave a little frown, as if surprised by the question.
Her simple reply, one word, shocked him by its bluntness.
Yes, he knew he hadn't be the warmest of companions lately but to hear that he had been the only one that made her consider leaving was a little more then he expected. Sobered by the knowledge that he should have expected this, John chose not to exempt himself from guilt.
"I never meant…" He paused, biting back the words. "I just... I didn't want to get in the way. You know, with you and Kanaan."
Teyla frowned but she said nothing. John wasn't finished.
"… I got the impression that, to some people, our friendship was a little too…"
"Familiar?"
"Yeah." He added quickly, glad of the help. "Some people might get the wrong idea."
"Like Kanaan?"
John turned to her sharply. She knew?
Teyla's lips lifted only for a moment, before she tilted her head to the side. "Did you think I had not noticed?"
John gaped, not quite knowing how to respond.
"I have spoken of you often to Kanaan, John. Perhaps more then the rest of my friends here on Atlantis. He was never comfortable with our friendship. And when he heard how often I relied upon you, since his disappearance, his concerns only grew stronger." She frowned, thinking back. "He suggested that we return to New Athos with Torren and live there, away from Atlantis… away from you."
John lowered his gaze. "Sorry."
"It is alright. Kanaan was my friend since childhood. He was always very protective. Even before we grew close." She sighed, her eyes rather sad as she continued. "It might have been unfair or even cruel of me but I realize now that I did not love him the way I should have. Not the way he loved me, at any rate. I cared for him a great deal but... his ideals for our future were never what I envisioned. I did try... but I was unable to be the woman he wished me to be."
John wanted to express his ideals of how crazy Kanaan was to want her to be anything beyond what she already was. She was amazing, just as she was now. Who was he to ask her to be anything else?
"I am sorry if Kanaan spoke with you about our relationship. I had hoped that he was beyond his jealousy once Torren came but... it appears that he still viewed our bond was a threat." She confessed, making John's heart beat a little faster then it should have.
He tried to shrug it off, playing up everything she was saying as a simple compliment but deep down he knew where this was going. His mind was quickly connecting the little moments they shared, and comments that Ronon and Sam had made… even Carson since returning.
When she spoke again, he could not help the fact that his eyes sought hers… holding her gaze steadily as his mind screamed for him to say something before she did. His lips remained still.
Teyla too seemed to be having a hard time, between the fact that her eyes could barely focus on his… the fact that she kept moving. Almost swaying indecisively from side to side as if she still held Torren in her arms. It made John smile.
"… I never agreed with Kanaan when he spoke of leaving Atlantis. Even to rejoin my people, the attraction of that offer did little to sway me."
"Yeah?" John asked, oddly very calm and confident in this moment. It surprised even himself. "Why's that?"
Teyla exhaled, closing her eyes a moment before speaking and when she did the most beautiful words came out.
"I told myself it was because I did not wish to leave my friends here but... honestly... it was merely an inability to leave you."
"Really?" He asked with the tiniest of smiles, he could scarcely believe it.
"Yes."
John was silent. Teyla, in the midst of baring her soul, fell silent. His silence, although usually caused by an inability to address his emotions only now filled her with fear. Although he smiled, she feared it was merely out of sympathy. Or worse yet, amusement. Still, she forced herself to wait for an honest response.
Although he did look at her with sympathy, it was hinged upon something more. His crooked smile, his mischievous glint in his eyes... it was all there as it always was but still, it was different. His gaze seemed more inviting... as if that were even possible.
Teyla stood perfectly still. Waiting.
"You know, normally that kind of sentiment, albeit crazy coming from you… would be enough to make me stammer like an idiot." He confessed, making her frown with uncertainty. His smile grew a little though, proving he wasn't going to let her down easy as she was beginning to fear.
"Yes. I recall a similar conversation aboard the Daedalus." She spoke softly without even thinking.
He nodded. Glad she remembered that and could thus contrast that conversation with this one. For some reason he wanted to prove how far he'd come. Regardless of the bad timing, he felt like it was necessary.
"Yeah. I got a little better after that. I mean, sure I still have a lot of work to do… considering I avoided you for three weeks… but hey. I'm a work in progress." His smile, nearly a grin, appeared like that of a giddy child. He was actually enjoying this, being able to talk so easily like this, but clearly Teyla did not enjoy it as much as he did.
"John." She warned quietly, frowning at him rather painfully. "Is that all you have to say?"
"No." He responded rather annoyed she'd think so. "I just think I deserve a little credit for all the-"
"John." She grumbled, not at all pleased now for his deviation of subject matter.
He smiled at her, it slowly growing more serious as he took a step forward. She stiffened slightly but when he reached out with his free hand, sliding it effortlessly around the side of her neck, she relaxed immediately. He'd wanted to do this since the first day. It felt intoxicatedly liberating to be able to finally do it without having his veins full of that damned bug juice.
"You know how I feel... you still need me to say it out loud?" He asked quietly, this time deadly serious.
Teyla reached up, covered his hand with her own… gladdened by the way his finger immediately responded to her own.
"Yes, John." She told him, a little smile playing at her lips.
He held her gaze, exhaling and cursing her for making him do this when he knew it would just come organically one day without scaring the crap out of him like it was now.
He opened his mouth. "Fine. I love-"
She cut him off, rolling up onto her tip toes and capturing his lips with her own. Immediately his hand on her neck tightened as he wished to pull her closer but with a quick squeeze of his wrist with her own hand, she reminded him of the cargo he carried. Sandwiched between them, Torren slept on, only because of the good sense of his mother.
She dropped her eyes immediately, checking her baby to see that he had not been disturbed, but when she looked back at John the light in his eyes was infallible.
"…you know I was going to say Ferris Wheels, right?" He asked her with a little teasing grin.
Teyla chuckled, giving her head a little shake. "Yes, John."
"Good." He nodded once, pleased she was playing along. "Because I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea."
Again she chuckled, but as they turned back towards the main city and John reached out, slipping his arm around her, she did not laugh. No. After many years, more then either cared to admit, she had a feeling that they might finally be headed in the right direction.
Well. There you go. New edits done too. Let me know what you think.