Title: Sex Education (1/1)
Rating: PG-13/T.
Fandom: Glee
Words: 2977
Characters/Pairings: Sue Sylvester, Principal Figgins, Glee Club members, Quinn's parents, Jacob Ben Israel. Some Finn/Rachel, implied Puck/Quinn, Mike/Brittany/Santana.
Summary: When Figgins faces a lawsuit for failing to teach the students about safe sex, who should step in with a solution? Sue Sylvester, sexpert.
Notes: I started writing this right after we found out Quinn was pregnant, got distracted, and then eventually couldn't get it off my computer when my fan burnt out. However, I was going through my files the other day and decided to scrap what I had and totally redo it. It's my first shot at Sue, so we'll see how you think I did.
William McKinley High School is required by law to teach their students sexual education as a mandatory part of the state of Ohio's Health Education program. Their school's teacher, Sue Sylvester, once taught the children that sex gave you AIDs and you died. However, after a number of parents complaining that they're children were not properly educated and had actually contracted sexually transmitted diseases, Principal Figgins was forced to make sure they actually learned about sex.
Of course, he still had failed to. Instead of teaching a proper class, he'd directed any students whose parents had complained about the lack of abstinence preaching to the Celibacy Club (thus how Jacob Ben Israel had ended up there amongst the most popular kids in school) and any who had complained of the lack of safe-sex teachings to the Guidance Office where Ms. Pillsbury had been instructed to give them a pamphlet and a condom (she'd also added in a lollipop and a packet of sanitized napkins to make it seems more friendly and sterile).
However, one morning in the Fall the year after Quinn Fabray's pregnancy scandal had blown across school, he sat at his desk facing both her parents and a lawsuit. "Quinny never had a chance to learn about birth control anywhere," Her mother dabbed her eyes with one of Mrs. Pillsbury's goddamned sanitized napkin. "And look what happened to us, it destroyed not only her reputation but our family." Russell nodded along at his ex-wife.
"You have failed as an educational institution to inform our daughter of not only the consequences of sexual relations, but also of the proper preventative measures to take to avoid it," Russell stated emotionlessly, as if he was reading from a sheet of paper.
"She was president of the Chastity Club!" Figgins said, banging his fist on the desk in exasperation. "And you two were funding the 5th Annual Chastity Ball!"
Judy shook her blond head, still wiping at her eyes, "That was when we thought Quinny was being led to make an informed decision about her abstinence. One in which she was informed of the pitfalls and trapping of sex, how could you blame her for letting such a good-looking, albeit Jewish, boy as Noah into her bed not knowing what could happen?"
Russell patted her shoulder sympathetically, "There, there, dear, save it for counseling." He turned back to Principal Figgin. "You, sir, are responsible for not only for the ruin of a young girl's reputation and her future, but for the destruction of our marriage! Judy and I could barely look at each other, we were so busy blaming ourselves and each other."
"It pushed my Russell to have an affair with some tattoo artist," She said vehemently, the same way she'd renounced Puck's faith. "And I was left alone with the tatters of a family, until finally we realized who was really to blame."
Mr. Fabray nodded vigorously in agreement, "Or rather, our lawyers did. They suggested we sue the institution of McKinley High School for the sum of one million dollars."
Figgins slid down in his chair, looking pale, "One…one m-million dollars?" He repeated.
"Yes, and have your teaching license revoked." At the word 'revoked', Figgins looked as if he might be sick.
"That's right," A familiar voice thundered into the office. "And that's when I stepped in." There she was, nationally-ranked Cheerleading coach and star of Sue's Corner, Sue Sylvester. As he looked up and down her red-with-white-stripes tracksuit clad body, Figgins couldn't for the life of him understand what, even in all that liquor, had tempted him to cheat on his wife with this mother of all beasts.
He sighed, slumping his chin into his hand, "I should have known you were behind this, Sue."
"Behind it?" Sue mocked shock. "I am offended that you would make such an allegation at me, pal. I simply offered the Fabrays an outlet in which to vent their frustrations at having their daughter, my favorite student and past cheerleading captain, turned into a piece of meat by this sexual jungle of a school." Judy whimpered, burying her face in the napkin. "You should be ashamed of yourself, letting this continue as long as it has!"
Figgins stood up in his desk, "You axed Quinn from the Cheerios within a week of the news of her pregnancy!"
"But out of love," Sue protested, putting a hand over her heart. "How could I let anything happen to my beloved captain or her darling child, even by accident?" Figgins rolled his eyes. "So, I'll tell you what's going to happen here, Figgy."
"No, I'll tell you, Sue-"
"You're going to let me run a Sexual Education Seminar one day a month which will include every student in the junior class and pay me $50 an hour," She turned towards the doorway. "Or…Russell and Judy will sue the pants of you and this school." And with that she was gone.
Figgins sat down again, "Damn her."
"This is so humiliating," Quinn sat between Puck and Mercedes with her head in her hands. "I cannot believe my parents are the reason we have to have this stupid assembly." They were on the bottom row of bleachers, seated with the rest of the Glee Club, in the middle of the very full Flora Wiggins Memorial Gym. It was the only place they could congregate where Artie could join them. "Just when I was starting to move back up the popularity ladder."
"It's not so bad," Tina said quietly, looking down at all the other students. The hockey players were jump roping using Jacob as a rope. "At least you didn't fake a stutter."
"Not helping," Mercedes mouthed as Quinn buried herself deeper in her hands.
Puck smirked, "Cheer up, babe, at least you're the reason we all get to miss Mr. Anastasia's lame evolution lecture."
Finn snorted from where he sat down the row, Rachel clinging to his arm, "Mr. Anesthesia is more like it."
Quinn smiled, sitting herself up again, "That's true." Then she frowned a little, "And I told you to stop calling me 'babe'."
Puck smirked, "Sorry." He didn't seem it.
"I wonder which old sleazebag they're paying to tell us about our lady parts," Santana hissed sourly from where she and Brittany sat in the next row up. "I am so sick of men trying to dominate my sexual needs." Male domination was her new scapegoat for everything since Puck had stopped hooking up with her at the beginning of the summer.
"Preach!" Mercedes raised her fist and they bumped.
"I just hope it's not Miss Pillsbury," Mike whispered, amassing a look of contempt from Rachel. "Don't get me wrong, she's cool and everything but I don't want a lesson on how to sterilize ourselves before we get it on."
"You liked it when we took that bubble bath with Santana though, right?" Brittany asked. Heads turned from all directions and Mike turned a scarlet color.
"Brit, that wasn't a group discussion thing," He mumbled. Santana just looked amused.
"Listen up, misfits," In a blast of red, Sue Sylvester made her way into the auditorium. "For the next four hours, you are going to listen to me talk to you about sex. For those of you men in the room, I am going to tell you exactly why you are inadequate to every other person of your gender in the world. That is, in addition to being lower on the totem pole than monkeys, lions, William Schuester, and every member of the opposite sex, especially one Sue Sylvester here." She shoved a bulky-looking lacrosse player into his seat, "That includes you, Darren."
"Sorry, sir…I mean ma'am!" His look was that of petrified fear. "I mean sir! I mean-"
"At ease, soldier," She threw a stack of pamphlets at him, and they streamed like confetti across the linoleum floor. "Pick those up like the less than chimp you are and distribute them to your fellow males."
"Yes sir," His palm met his face. "I mean ma'am! Uh-"
"While Franklin here struggles to remember the English language, I will give you your first lesson in sex. Just because Madonna makes it look good, does not mean that you will be good at it. She is a goddess on earth, and you are the peons of it who will be stuck in Lima, Ohio for the rest of your lives. Understood?" Rachel raised her hand indignantly. "Excellent, moving on."
Rachel huffed indignantly and slid down in her seat. "Who can tell me the first thing that's wrong with sex?" Her hand shot back up. "You with the nose bigger than Barbra Streisand."
"Well, sexual intercourse is a-"
"I cannot believe you just answered to that," She hissed and the brunette turned red. "There's your problem exactly, you are all morons."
"But-" Rachel started again.
"That wasn't a question," She stated with a glare over her shoulder. "You should not be allowed to make decisions for yourselves." She smiled smugly, "Everyone up, I'm going to rate you based on attractiveness to show you what I mean."
Half an hour and three people booted from the gym later, they were all lined up in a manner Sue deemed appropriate. She kicked most of the Glee kids to the back of the line, Finn only about halfway (she'd caught him hovering near the front halfway through the exercise and banished him to the middle of the pack, stating "Hudson, don't think I don't see you! You are a disgrace to all football players, interbreeding with less attractive people! Minus fifty points!").
Quinn stood at the front, smiling haughtily at Santana who was about four spots behind her. Mercedes stood about halfway back, right before Artie who Sue deemed "Depressing enough to get sympathy dates". Kurt stood in a line of his own, with a few lesbian girls and a few pimple-faced nerds who Sue had called "So hideous it would be unfair to judge."
At the end stood Tina and Rachel, both looking miserable and shamed by their places behind even crazy Suzy Pepper (who was now in counseling for stalking none other than Matt Rutherford after he'd said hi to her in the school hallway). Rachel tried to turn her head so she couldn't look to the boys line on her right. It was a fate nothing she did could have deserved.
Sue stood erect at the front of the two (and a half) lines, looking proud. "Now, unless the person in line you're think about sleeping with is in front of you somewhere, don't even bother. It won't make you more popular, they won't be good enough in the sack. If they're behind you, they are the scum of the earth and you are going to catch loser from them."
"That's ridiculous," Rachel mumbled to Tina beside her, and she nodded in agreement.
"Now, Fabray, that's where you went wrong," She smiled, then turned back to the rest of the gym. "Let Q's failure be a lesson to all of you! She slept with someone below her, and what did she get? Teen pregnancy!"
"I want a recount!" Puck yelled from his position, 17th in line. "There is no way I'm behind Rutherford, he can't even fucking talk to girls!"
"He's mysterious, now shut it Puckerman," Sue hissed. "Now Jacob, are you upset about your position in line?"
"No, ma'am," A high nasally voice came from behind Rachel. "I am very happy."
"And why's that?" Sue called back to him.
"Well, Rachel's the most beautiful girl in the world," He sighed, staring at her.
"Jacob is a prime example of what you should all be doing, identifying your position and adjusting your limitations accordingly. So much so that I've decided to bump him up a space." She beckoned for Jacob to take his spot next to Tina, "Nose Whistle Wally, you're last now." There was a groan and a kid with black hair and dandruff, scratching at his nose, took his place next to Rachel.
She closed her eyes, "I'm a good Jew, I'm a good Jew, I'm a good Jew…"
"These are bananas," Sue tossed a bag of bright yellow fruit at a group of talkative girls in the way back. "Sadly, you will never find a man who will live up to this exercise." She paused, looking disgustedly at one Mohawk bearing student in the back row. "Unless you believe what is written about Mr. Puckerman in the girls' locker room."
A few girls giggled and glanced at Quinn, who rolled her eyes in annoyance, and then to Santana who nodded, a smug smile perched upon her lips.
Sue held up another bag, a little box in her hand, "Now who can tell me what this is."
"A condom!" Jacob cried out happily. "It's a condom."
She shook her head and looked at him in disgust, "No, you dirty little boy, this is a diaphragm."
"I hate to break it to you, but no-one's used those since the sixties, Coach," Puck told her condescendingly.
"Well, that's a damn shame." She threw the box at one of the girls, "90% of women who leave birth control options up to men get pregnant within a year. Isn't that right, Fabray?"
"No," She shook her head. "That's women who don't use contraception on their periods."
"Same difference," Sue said flippantly, pulling another bag from the box. "These are the condoms, extra large and ribbed for your pleasure. If the stud who you're hooking up with can't fill these, he's a waste of your time."
One girl in the back raised her hand tentatively, "What if you love him?"
Sue stared at her for a moment, seemingly seriously considering this. And then burst out, "What are you? An idiot? Go read a Nicholas Sparks book in the guidance office, if you're going to talk like that. I can't help you." The girl started to get up.
"Wait!" Rachel stood up in her seat. "You're right!" She turned and glared at Coach Sylvester. "The only thing in the world that makes sex worth it is love. That's why they call it making love." She walked down to the front of the gymnasium, smiling at her fellow classmates. "I personally have put off my own sexual prowess until recently because I could not find a male worthy of my time and talents, however, recently I have discovered what sexual love feels like," She shot a look of adoration at Finn. "And I would be happy to share my experiences with you in the form of an Accapella tribute to Carly Simon."
She cleared her throat, and stared up, "Nobody does it better…makes me feel set for the rest…Nobody does it half as good as you. Baby, you're the best!"
She twirled around, facing the astonished faces of her friends, "I wasn't looking but somehow you found me! I tried to hide from your love light, but like heaven above me, the spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe to-"
"Out," Sue interrupted, pointing her finger at the door.
"But I was expressing-" Rachel started in her defense.
"Out, now, before I change my mind about letting you go and have Figgins suspend you," She gestured again.
"Mrs. Slyvester, that isn't fair!" Finn stood up in his seat. "She was just giving her opinion."
"You too, out, now!" She opened the door at the end.
"What the hell?" Finn roared.
"All of Glee, out," She shouted. "I will not be disrespected when I'm giving my expertise."
Quinn was the first to get up and start moving, shaking her blond head, "For your information, diaphragms don't protect against sexually transmitted diseases and condems do, just in case you need that for your expert testimony." Mercedes and Kurt followed her out, looking hesitantly behind them.
"That's nice, Q, but you probably should have looked that up about 12 months earlier before you let Puckerman blow your high school experience," She watched as Mike, Matt, Santana, and Brittany filed past her. "It's a shame, you really could have learned something."
Puck trudged past her, pushing Artie, "Like how to be a virgin for life? Too bad we missed it."
"Preach!" Artie waved his hand in agreement, as Tina hurried after them.
"Well, come on, Berry, Hudson, let's go." They walked past, their heads bowed.
The twelve of them sat down at one of the circular cafeteria tables and started pulling food and books from their backpacks. "Anyone want to lend me a dollar?"
"God, you're such a mooch," Quinn complained, but she handed Puck the dollar none-the-less.
He grinned, "Thanks, babe, I'll share my Cheetos with you."
She looked down at her white blouse, "Lovely."
"Man, Sylvester's such an old crone," Mike shook his head. "How do we always end up with someone who clearly hasn't had sex since before we were born for Sex Ed?"
"Dude, I know," Matt agreed. "The balling teachers probably have better shit to do though."
"That's probably why Schuester's not teaching it," Mike grinned, arousing laughter from the table.
"Dude!" Matt high-fived him in agreement.
"I liked your song, Rachel," Tina mumbled, smiling shyly at her. "You know, before you got cut off."
Rachel beamed, flipping her hair of her shoulder, "Thank you. It's not a big deal, I'm planning to submit it to Mr. Schuester for Sectionals this afternoon."
Finn blushed, "Um, Rach, are you sure you want to sing that at Sectionals?"
"Of course," She smiled, causing Mercedes to laugh.
"I just can't wait to see the look on your parents faces," Kurt smirked. "It's going to be worth redecorating my room to incorporate Finn's sports crap just to hear his mom yell."
Rachel laughed, but when she turned back to Finn he was white as a ghost.