To the Moon
"Each stage of life has both its joys and its disappointments. It is hard to appreciate life when one is very young. Both of these facts I learned when I was very young." - Fallen Astral, FiMFiction 2014
It's Terminal...
Her disease was irreversible. That's what the doctors told me.
The time was just before midnight, and winter was just coming around the corner, giving the air a bit of a chill. The stars and moon shown quite clearly in the night sky, not a single cloud obscuring it. Rays of moonlight would shine seamlessly through the treelines. Above, birds of all shapes and sizes would fly by, occasionally their shadows passing overhead.
Branches and twigs rustled in the gentle breeze of the night. A number of leaves would detach with the gentlest of snaps before falling to join the dozens that blanketed the ground in auburn. As the wind passed through them once more, the leaves crackled to life for a moment before finally settling without another sound.
Owls hooted and cried into the darkness of the night. Perched on the tops of the trees above the clearing, their narrow eyes scanned the surrounding fields, searching for prey. Below, rodents and insects scurried in the shadows of the undergrowth. Eerie cries echoed across the landscape, but the foliage did not stir.
Amidst the dim light of the bright lunamoon, I sat, my body relaxed well on a hollow oak log. The cliff held high against the beating of the rushing waves. Just at my feet rested a still pond, the reflections of the surrounding landscape dancing quietly in the water. Next to me was River, my fiance and life-long friend.
For a long while, the earth became still, no sounds emitted. Not a single cricket nor the crack of twigs. Even the rustling leaves of the trees held in silent reverence, as if the cliff's edge were too sacred to disturb with anything above a low whisper. The starry sky continued its multicolored dance into eternity, the glow of the stars constant, never fading.
Neither I, nor River ever let out a single word in that quiet span of time. We both thought it would be unnecessary to discuss anything, given the situation. Minutes turned to hours as I let the gravity of the news sink in. I turned to glance at her several times during the night, my mind telling me to say something, while my heart convinced me from doing so.
I had little will to speak to her, but somehow, I found myself speaking. For the first time tonight, I looked to River and spoke. "What did they tell you?"
She hesitated, not replying for a few seconds. "Why? I know very well that they told you. What need is there for me to give you the same information?"
"I...I don't know." I replied. My heart sank deep in my chest. "I guess...I...Well, I figured that maybe that if you talked about it, it would help you feel better." I paused. "I thought that it might help me feel better about all of this as well."
"Talking about it won't do or change anything, Vector. You very well know that. Now, please, I wish to enjoy what little time I have left on this earth in peace."
She turned away from me, and stared up at the night sky. I sighed, letting out a visibly cold breath of air. I looked between River, the sky, and the lighthouse which sat nearby, maybe just a few meters away. I heard River sigh as well, and looked back to her. Her mane blew silently in the wind, her eyes closed tightly shut.
A few thoughts came to mind, but I quickly brushed them away, not daring mention them in front of River. One thought, however, was quite persistent. It stayed for long minutes, and began to feel it only right that I give it at least a small bit of acknowledgement. I looked back to the lighthouse, the same one from mine and River's past.
It was the same place that we had met. The place where we had our first kiss, and in more recent times, the same lighthouse where I proposed. And now, it would only serve as a painful memory of River. I sighed once more, letting a single, bitter tear fall down my face. I hung my head low, and once again looked back at River.
"What will we do, River? We have spent practically our whole lives here. Every major event in our life together has happened here. Now that you are going to…" I couldn't bear to utter the words that finished the sentence. "What will I do?"
"What do you mean?" She replied, once more with a plain tone. She did not bother to even look at me. I ignored it and continued.
"We had our first kiss here, we met each other here, and I even proposed here. When you're gone, what will I do? Nursing Anya serves no purpose, and I won't have will nor reason to finish building the house." I said. I folded my hooves, trying to keep grips on my emotions. I wondered how River could be so calm about everything, while I could barely hold back my own tears.
Silence persisted between us. Few thoughts remained in my mind. One, however, was prominent in my heart. When? When will it happen? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I felt, and I knew, that it was only a matter of time until I would lose her. And now, all that I felt River needed was some rest. I turned to her, an expression of guilt on her face.
I caught my words in my mouth before they became spoken. I gave the words a bit of second thought, and then opened my mouth. "Maybe...maybe you should get some rest." I said. I looked up at the sky. "It's getting dark. We should go home."
She turned to me before nodding. We stood up, and began walking away. Often I would look back, wondering what life will be like when River's gone. I found myself looking to the lighthouse the most. It felt like it was calling me, shouting my name as I sauntered away.
The forest tonight was full and thick. Or, that's at least how it felt. You couldn't see five feet in front of yourself, even though there was no fog around. Although it gave a mysterious aura, the creep factor that most ponies would feel had long sunken away. River and I have walked through this forest numerous times, after all.
Soon we arrived back home. The path we take each time between the cliff and our house was littered with twists and bends, and even the occasional large hill. When we got to the door, I jumped in front of River and opened the door for her. "M'lady?" I said, gesturing in a formal bell-hop fashion as I held up my hoof.
I heard her giggle, earning me a smile which stretched across my face. It was the first time I've seen or heard her laugh since coming home. I followed her after she walked in, and I shut the door behind us. I waited for the familiar 'click' of the door before turning to River. "Now, we should get you to bed, Miss." I held out my hoof like an escort pony. "May I?"
River laughed once more. "Hehe. Yes, you may." She grabbed my hoof and we strutted up the stairs together, towards the bedroom.
When we entered, I was the first over to the bed. I pulled the covers back, and motioned for her to come and lay down. She gladly accepted the offer, and followed over. As she lay down, I heard the ring of a phone. It was the house phone downstairs. "I'll have to be quick this time, my darling." I said, pulling the blankets over her.
I began to leave the room and rush downstairs. "Hurry back!" I heard River call as I ran down the wooden steps. When I arrived in the foyer, I immediately caught sight of the phone. I quickly moved over to it, and picked it up with little hesitation.
"Hello?" I asked, gleefully.
"Is this Autumn River?" I heard the pony on the other side ask.
"Um, no…" I replied. I thought it would clearly not be her, considering the depth of my voice. "This is her fiance, Moon Vector. Might I ask who I'm addressing?"
"Oh, sorry." He said. "This is Doctor Calistar, from the hospital. I recall you and Autumn River recently left?" I only nodded, not realizing my silent response. "Well, we have some good, and...some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"I think I would like to hear the good news, first. Then you can explain the bad. I want the news as plain as you can put it."
"Okay, then. We have found a treatment for your fiance's illness. We can have it delivered in a week or so, but we need her signature first." I nodded as I listened. "The bad news is...the financial deficit is...well, very bad. I don't know if you two will even be able to pay for it."
I tensed. "Wait, what do you mean, 'financial deficit'?" I asked.
"Um, ten thousand bits."
"Ten THOUSAND!?"
"Per month, or dose of the treatment. Whichever comes first." I heard him say regretfully.
I paused, then sighed. "Alright, then. Send the papers over. I'll have her sign them as soon as they get here." After that, I hung up, not even letting the doctor nor I say goodbye. As I trudged my way up the stairs, I couldn't help but feel a deep emptiness sink in my chest. When the creaking of wood ceased, and I arrived at the top, I stopped.
What if she doesn't sign the papers? What if she is gone before the papers arrive? These and many more 'What ifs' ran in my thoughts. I decided against contemplating them, and moved towards the door to the room where River slept. I held a deep breath and got ready to tell her the news. Whether she would see it as good or bad, I would never know.
I opened the door as quietly as I could for what seemed to be absolutely no reason, and prepared my speech. "River, the doctor just called, and-" I looked up. There she was, where I left her. But this time, she was deep in dream. I sighed, smiling. Maybe it could wait, just until morning, I thought. I got down in bed with her, and closed my eyes.
The bright sunlight poured through the windows, piercing right through my eyelids and straight into my corneas, making me groan in painful agony. I pulled the blankets over me, hoping that the sun would just go away. Too bad that I knew all too well that it wouldn't. Eventually, my body decided to go against my wishes for more sleep, and I rose from bed.
Next to me, or rather, on the other side of the bed, lay Autumn River. Her sleeping form was like that of an angel, and I thought it too perfect to not stare. A smile reached both her face and mine as she stirred, her body moving to face me. "You're up early." I said, reaching a hoof out to her.
She giggled. "Hm, yes. I know." If it hadn't been for the call last night, I would assume she was healthy as, well...a horse (no pun intended). I smiled wider. "So, what was that call about last night?"
My smile immediately disappeared as she asked that question. I had hoped that she wouldn't, and that we could just abandon the whole thing. I knew that I couldn't avoid it forever, but I thought it best to just ease her into it through conversation. I answered her with the first thing that came to mind. "Why don't I go and make breakfast, first? Then we can discuss anything you want."
She responded with a nod, and I stood on my hooves and trotted downstairs to prepare breakfast. Now, I wouldn't say I'm the best of chefs when it comes to the touchy subject of cooking, but I always thought myself as at least good enough. I mean, I could prepare basic meals, like sandwiches and pancakes. I never had too much trouble with the basics of baking.
As I prepared breakfast, the thoughts of how exactly I could break the news to her ran in my mind. I could talk about politics, or maybe even the recent events in nearby Ponyville. But I'm sure she would just rather talk about something else. I know that somehow she'll try to avoid talking about anything until I answer her first question.
Then a thought occurred to me. "Money!" I shouted, maybe just a bit too loudly. I regained my balance on all four hooves, feeling a wave of redness and embarrassment rush into my cheeks. I waited a few seconds, and continued the unfinished thought trail. "Maybe I could ease into it through money…" I said, letting my every thought become spoken word. "I could begin talking about how we'll spend our money, and I'll somehow get to her question then."
And then I realized something else. "But how will she feel about the news?" My heart sunk. I couldn't bear the idea of her listening to the news, and then trying to imagine her reactions. I brushed away anymore thoughts I had about it, and tried my best to finish breakfast.
When I actually finished making breakfast, I carefully placed each food item on a plate, and began to carry both plates to our room. Each plate rested on either of my wings, their use only to make sure that nothing would fall off, and I wouldn't lose either plate on my way upstairs. I approached the door to our room with caution.
When I was sure that it was safe (for whatever reason, I thought it otherwise), I turned the knob with a free hoof and entered. River was still laying where I had left her. I waited for any sign of life, movement amongst the sheets, a groan, or even just the simple action of breathing. When I heard her draw in a breath, I let relief fall over me.
I casually trotted over, and laid the plates of food on the side table which sat just next to my side of the bed. When I was sure that nothing would fall, I looked over to River, and gave her a gentle nudge. She replied with a slight groan. "Honey, breakfast is ready." I said, trying my best to avoid sounding cliche. I doubt I did a good job, though.
"Hm." She said, turning over to her side. She looked between me and the plates of food. "Pancakes?" She asked. "Haven't you made those enough?"
"Heh, well, it's the only breakfast item that I know how to make." I said, blushing. I rubbed the back of my head, and looked to the plates. "Oh!" I yelled, picking up a plate of food. I quickly turned back to River and handed it to her.
"Now, what were you going to say, before the whole 'bolt out of the room just to make breakfast' ordeal?" She said between mouthfuls of pancake.
"Uh…" I didn't exactly know how I was going to respond. I knew how I wanted to get around to her first question, just not how to get to getting around to it. I gulped down a bit of food, and my eyes jutted around the room, looking for something to say, or even just a good excuse. "Um, so…" I had an idea. "How are the funds?"
It was at this point that River put her plate down. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, how is our money looking? For that house, I mean. I only ask since you're kind of the pony in this relationship who handles anything money-related."
She had already picked her plate back up at this point. "You're talking about Anya, aren't you?" She asked, her face stricken with sadness, and what I felt to be a little bit of guilt. I couldn't bear seeing her like this, but I knew that I had to get to the subject somehow. So, I continued speaking, keeping a nice check on my choice of words.
"Y-yes. That's what I-"
"Why do you try to convince me against my will?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. Her reaction was slow, but plain. In fact, it seemed to be even slower than anything she'd ever said before. Now that I think about it, she wasn't speaking this slowly even last night. I became worried, and thought that maybe she either had found out, or she might had even begun to-
"I mean, why do you try and convince me against my will?"
"We need the money for your medical bills, River!" I paused. "I understand that Anya means a lot to you, but this...this is just too much. I mean, she...she isn't even-" I held my tongue, both for realizing what I had just said, and that I just might have upset River.
"Do you know what makes me happy, Vector?"
"...What?"
"Do you?...Well, I do." She paused, sighing as her breathing continued to slowly drop. "I just...hope you can help me with it." At this point, her plate was somewhere between the floor and the edge of the bed.
"River."
She turned and put a hoof on my shoulder. "She needs you, Moon Vector. Much more than you think. I just want you there to help her through the pain. When I'm gone, she'll have only you to take care of her." I watched as she paused. Her hoof slid off my shoulder, and a tear came to her eye. "I just want you to promise me something, Moon Vector."
I nodded. "Anything for you, River."
"Wh...when I'm gone, I want you to take care of her. All of our money, I want you to put it towards Anya and that new house."
"But-"
"When the papers for my treatments get here, I will not sign them." She breathed heavily, each breath becoming more and more hoarse each time she exhaled. "What you do with our money is up to you, but if you would grant my wish, I want you to use it to finish building that house. And then, for everyday you live there, I want you to watch over her."
"But River…"
She ignored him. "Visit her. Talk to her. Comfort her." She turned to the side, and looked at me. "I don't want her to be alone anymore."
"And what about you?" I asked.
"...Happy. I'll be happy."
Those were the last words she ever uttered. It pained me, to see her go. But I knew that it would happen eventually. I just didn't think that it would happen like that.
I stared at the framed photo of Autumn River and Anya for a few moments longer. A single tear streamed down my face and muzzle, and eventually made contact with the cold linoleum flooring. I took a few seconds to stare at my surroundings. Blank, white walls. A white ceiling. The plain floors. Typical of a Ponyville hospital. Or, what they had for a hospital, at the most.
Nearby, a simple oak wood desk sat empty, cold and alone. At the foot of the bed was a hope chest, a gift from his mother. Across to the wall from that, an open closet with nothing more than a few hats and two coats. Almost every item in the room was a gift to me. Presents that I could never use, seeing as my age rendered me bed-ridden for what remained of my life.
The desk and articles of clothing were there to make me feel more at home. I didn't see reason fit as to why they were there in the first place, but at the same time I felt that they just had to be there. Just like how every waking moment of my life, River would be there for me.
I sighed, listening as the ECG machine continued its semi-quiet beeps. Each one was synced with my heartbeat, but my heart itself felt incomplete without River by my side. It's been nearly thirty years since her death, and it was one of the most unbearable events in my whole life. To make it worse, she died on the happiest time of year: Hearth's Warming Eve.
It pained me when I found out that she had died. For a moment, I thought that she was simply taking a nap. Then, her few minutes asleep turned to hours. It was nearly half a day before I realized that something was wrong. When I alerted the doctors and nurses, it was already long too late for me, and for River. She was gone.
The door to the room creaked open, and I looked over. A doctor and a couple nurses stepped in, one of the nurses taking the time to carefully and quietly close the door. "Hello, Moon Vector. How have you been?"
"Dreadful. Every waking moment I spend in this bed makes me feel less and less worthy. I can't even feel my wings anymore!" I yelled, trying to open my wings.
"Well, there's nothing we can do about your wings, Moon Vector." The doctor began. "But I think we can safely say that you've lived a happy, healthy life, and you'll even be joining Autumn River in heaven very soon!" He tried his best to make it sound happy, but it did little. If anything, it made me even angrier.
"Really!? That's something to be happy about!? How about I can never take care of Anya again, or maybe I can never, ever move from this bed, huh!? How about the fact that I spent the rest of our money on a house that I can't even live in, and I can't even fulfil the promise I made to River!? Huh, Doctor? How about that?"
"Um, I'm sorry, I think?"
My anger softened, and I looked away from the ponies who stood in front of me. "Go. Just...go, please. I want to be left alone."
The doctor and nurses simply nodded, and left the room. I sighed as I heard the familiar creak of the closing door. "Heh, they're all nuts, aren't they?" I said, looking to the ceiling. It may have looked like I was nuts myself, seeing as I might have been talking to nopony at all, but I was really talking to River. I hope that she can at least hear me.
Outside, rain began to fall. I never would have known that the pegasi
weather
teams would have ever planned a downpour on a day like this. But somehow, it felt like it just made sense.
"It's finished, River." I began. The rain fell heavy, like my tears. "I'll be able to watch over her everyday…" I paused before continuing. "...She won't be alone anymore. I might never be able to understand why, but I stayed true to your wish. I'm sure that Anya is grateful to you, too." I paused once more. "But when I'm gone...who will watch over us?"
I paused. "She will. Anya will be the one to keep us safe, River. Happiness. Closure. Things that I never felt after you died." I stared back at the ceiling, before looking back down.
I stared down at the few pictures that sat in my hooves. For a second, everything seemed to quiet, as if holding reverence to something sacred, just like the night before River died. I happily stared at the photographs in my hooves, staying quiet for quite some time. Eventually, I began to feel my heart slow, followed by the beeps from the ECG machine.
And for a moment, just a moment, I smiled. I may have done this in the past, but after River's death, I never smiled. I laid down onto the soft bed and closed my eyes. I let out, what I at least felt, were my final words. I felt them right, and if I would truly never be able to see River again, these words would pay tribute to her, and her legacy for generations to come.
"...Happy. I'll be happy."