AN: This story will deal with chronic pain issues, addiction and self injury. There will be trigger warnings posted when needed.
TRIGGER WARNING: Alcohol use, prescription abuse.
Chapter 1:
Amanda Rollins had a long day. In fact, she had been having a long life. She felt aged well beyond her years by the time she arrived in Manhattan. Being an SVU detective in the city that never sleeps had begun to take it's toll as well.
After bring shot, she was quick to return to work telling Cragen that she was ready for action. The truth was that the injury and subsequent scar tissue compounded an already present health condition. She wasn't one to admit weakness however, so she pushed through the pain and numbness caused by compression and adhesion of the nerves in her brachial plexus.
Sinking in to her bathtub, she tossed back some pain medication chasing it with a beer. She allowed the hot water to engulf her to the chin, sighing into the water. Her mind wandered to it's dark corners as her fingers traced the scars littered across her thighs and torso. Some were inflicted by others, some self inflicted, the largest caused by surgical intervention.
She felt the medication begin to do it's magic and quickly finished the rest of her beer, letting the empty bottle clatter to the floor next to her tub. Amanda fully submerged herself in the water, bending at the knees so her head could sink below the surface. She held her breath until her chest screamed for air, black dots swimming across her vision. Amanda broke to the surface in reflex, greedily sucking air in to her lungs.
Reaching down to the floor she picked up her pack of Marlboros and her lighter. Sparking the trusty Zippo, she took a deep drag from the cigarette as she began to cry. At the sound of her master's sobs Franny came trotting into the bathroom, frantically licking the tears from sculpted cheeks before laying on the bathmat, resting her chin on the edge of the tub. Amanda began stroking familiar velvet ears allowing herself to be soothed by her faithful companion.
Sighing she stood from the tub reaching for her towel and wrapping it around her torso. She towel dried her hair and combed it before changing into some comfy sweats and a wife beater. The blonde threw on an NYPD hoodie and whistled for Franny. She clipped the leash on her dog and headed out into a mild New York night.
As she ambled through the park, her mind wandered to the day Franny helped her to apprehend Lewis William. She had so many regrets about that case, the least of which was Lewis getting his hands on Olivia. Amanda had so many feelings about the brunette detective admiration, jealousy, regret, attraction.
When Amanda first landed in Manhattan she had a serious case of hero worship for the brunette. Olivia was the type of woman she wanted to be when she "grew up". She exuded strength, confidence and compassion for those around her. Over time her feelings turned towards the romantic. Olivia's constant rebuttals of friendship had started to wear at her.
When the only other female officer in SVU had been kidnapped and assaulted by Lewis, Amanda had been devastated. She was wracked with guilt and filled with the desperate need to save the woman she had come to love and hate at the same time. Of course, when they finally found Olivia it was Amaro that rushed in to save the day. Amanda waited on the side lines, making sure Liv was safe before going home to drown her sorrows.
Since the brunette had become Sargent and taken over the unit, she had managed to look past so many of Amanda's fuck ups. She had begun to heal, and extend an olive branch to the blonde. One that she would have grabbed with both hands just a few short months ago. Now it was Amanda who was turning down overtures of friendship, afraid to be hurt again.
Somehow during her internal struggle, the southern detective had wandered her way over to her Sargent's neighborhood. She and Franny now stood outside Olivia's building looking up to see the light filtering through the windows of her apartment. Franny whimpered and nudged Amanda from behind, urging her mistress to go inside.
Knowing the dog had never led her astray, the blonde took a deep breath and entered the building. Olivia had told her that she was on the list of people allowed upstairs, so she wasn't surprised that the doorman told her to go on up after introducing herself. He even had a treat to give Franny, who gave him a slobbery kiss in return.
With a shaking hand, Amanda knocked on Olivia's door. After only a few seconds the door was opened, the brunette gesturing with her arm for the blonde to come inside. She smiled down at Franny, giving her a scratch on the head.
"Hi Liv. I know it's late, but I just kind of wandered over here. And then Franny told me she wanted to pop in for a visit so..." the blonde trailed off.
"Hey 'Manda, it's fine. I was up anyway, and truth be told I could do with some company," Olivia said graciously.
Gesturing for the blonde to have a seat on the couch, Liv ducked into the kitchen to quickly return with a bowl of water for Franny and two beers. Amanda smiled at her, accepting the proffered drink.
"So, I've got to ask Amanda. What brought you over here tonight?"
Amanda worried her bottom lip between straight white teeth, trying to decide if she should answer honestly or not. The need for an honest to god friendship won out, and full disclosure was decided upon.
"I was pretty worn out after my shift today. Was at home alone having a few drinks and soaking in the tub. Franny could sense that I was upset and urged me to take a walk. We ended up in Central Park, which made me think of my girl here chasing down Lewis."
She took the chance to peek at Olivia, making sure she wasn't triggering anything for the brunette. Seeing a slight nod from her Sargent, she decided to continue.
"Made me start going over the whole case in my head. And then I got to thinking about you, and how somehow we never end up becoming friends. Next thing I knew, I was standing outside. Once again Franny came to the rescue and nudged me towards the building. And, here I am."
"I get the feeling you're glossing over some details, but I'm still happy that you decided to trust in Franny and show up on my doorstep. If I'm honest, I've was pretty caught up in losing Elliot when you joined the team. When you were shot I realized that I had really gotten off on the wrong foot with you."
She paused for a minute, taking a breath. Amanda placed a hand on her knee, hoping the gesture would urge her to continue. Liv smiled at her, and she knew she had done the right thing.
"When Lewis took me, I somehow knew that you wouldn't sleep until I was found. It helped keep me going. But after I came back to work, you've started pulling away. Not that I blame you, since I had my head up my ass prior to my abduction. So yeah, I'm glad you're here."
Olivia and Amanda smiled shyly at each other, blushing slightly. Franny chose that moment to press her block head between them on the couch, reminding them to pay attention to her. As the women both began to pet her soft head, their hands brushed causing them to gasp. Looking up at the brunette the detective saw some of her own feelings reflected back at her in deep chocolate orbs.
Taking a leap of faith she leaned in, bringing her lips within an inch of Olivia's and tilting her head. She knew this was a make or break moment, and held her breath. Within seconds her Sargent closed the gap between them, bringing their lips together in a gentle kiss. Neither woman noticed when Franny padded over to the rug and curled up, hunkering down for the long haul.