Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, or any of it's characters, but if I did,
you can bet that Ken would have been in season three!
"Not Crazy"
"I'm not crazy." I tell myself as I sit in a chair that was only comfortable for ten minutes. I know I'm not crazy, and I know that I don't need to be here.
She asked me a question, but I was too busy staring out of the window of this rectangular cage, they call an office. A pidgin flew by a couple of times. How I wish I was that bird. Free and with the power to go anywhere but here. I wish I could get out of here, but I still have fifty minutes left.
"Ken, what made you think that was your only option?"
I lift my head slightly at the call of my name. That must have been the second time she asked that question, because it seemed a bit urgent. I sigh, and think of how to answer that question, placing my elbow upon the armrest of the large burgundy chair. Resting my head on my hand for support, I glance at the white bandage wrapped tightly around my wrist, as if to stop something from getting loose. Something like my life. That moment is an instant reminder of why exactly I'm here. I move my gaze to the mahogany wood desk in front of me. The one thing dividing me from that tall, blond woman. She studies me through her black framed, rectangular glasses. She's a very professional looking woman, with tight French twist, and a red business suit. She opens her mouth to ask the question again, but I stop her before they reach her tongue.
"I'm not crazy." I tell her plainly.
She blinked at me, seemingly surprised by my answer. "I never said you were, Ken."
"Then why am I here?"
Again, she pauses, probably unsure as to how to answer that, but yet, she still has one, "You're parents are worried for you Ken. They want you to get help. It's good for you to talk about your feelings and problems."
I pause to take that in. Yeah, sure, how's this doc? "See, I killed my older, genius, popular brother, Osamu. Not physically, but by wishing it, so yeah, big guilt feelings there. Oh, and then after that, I got implanted with this thing called a Dark Spore. It made me really smart and a great athlete. But, it fed off all the darkness and negativity in my soul, and so I became this horrible person. But wait there's more, I discovered this world called the Digital World, where I became a sadistic tyrant, enslaving the Digimon and using them to fight, and torture and destroy for me, against their will. I called myself the Digimon Emperor. Oh, and lets not forget that I based my outfit for the Emperor on my Brother. That is the glasses and hair anyway. Yeah, you could say I hated him, at that point anyway. Anyway long story short, I was beaten by these kids called the Digidestined, and they made me see that the Digital World was a real place and that the Digimon were real creatures. Oh, did I forget to mention that I thought it was all a game? Well, yes, how wrong was I? Anyway, now I have all this immense guilt, pain and lets not even talk about the nightmares. Some how, I don't think so."
I look up at her, my face blank and simply say, "I'm not the 'Let's share' type."
She cocks her head at me, and smiles sweetly, following my gaze out the window. "You have beautiful eyes, Ken."
I snap my head back to face her, "What?"
Her smile did not falter, in fact it got wider, "I said you have beautiful eyes."
"I heard what you said, but why did you say it?" There is a bite of anger in my voice that I couldn't seem to control.
She removes her glasses and rests her chin on her hands; "It's a pity they are so sorrow filled."
A slight frown creases my forehead, "Pardon?"
"I just wonder what could have happened to you that made those eyes so sad."
I bite my lip and fight the tears stinging in the corners of my eyes. "Where do I start?" I ask myself. An image coming to the front of my head as the words left her mouth.
I was only about five years old, and may as well not even have been born. Osamu was far more interesting to my parents and their friends, and well, everyone. But I was quiet and gentle and shy, and my brother loved me for it. He lived in the spotlight, while I waited in the wings. At that age, I didn't care much, I just wished that my parents took notice that I still existed.
Sure there was times where I got jealous and angry, but that was always at my parents, never at Osamu. No, when he hit me and shouted at me, I cried, and I hurt so badly inside. I felt like he hated me, and that I was just an annoyance in his life. Like I was worthless. But then he died, right in front of my eyes after making that stupid wish. And years later, I felt I had to take his place, make my parents proud of me, and become him. I lost myself. Becoming consumed with anger and hate, taking it out on innocent creatures. Being cruel to people. And then, seeing it for the first time when they, my friends defeated me. It was like a slap in the face, and an overwhelming guilt washed over me. True guilt. Sickening guilt. There were times, where I couldn't face food, I felt so sick about what I did. Nausea hit me every time I thought about my actions. It still does. I just hurt so much.
She leans back in her chair and crosses one black stocking, leg over the other. A heavy sigh escapes her lips, she knows she isn't going to get me to speak to her. I don't want to. The only reason I'm here is because my parents got the shock of their lives and nearly lost me to a sharp, silver blade. I shudder at my thought. "How did I do that?" I guess I just couldn't take the guilt and hurt anymore. I couldn't take the voices abusing me inside my head, I couldn't take the way Davis and Yolei tried to make me feel better, when really, it was a waste of their breath.
"I just couldn't take it anymore."
"Take what Ken?"
I frowned, and mentally gasped, "Did I say that aloud?" And before I could stop myself, tears crawled down my cheeks.
"Everything." I sobbed, "I'm not crazy."
"I know Ken…"
"Stop saying that!"
She blinked at me, in confusion, "Say what, Ken?"
"My name," I whisper, then my voice steadily gets louder and angrier, before I can control it, "stop saying it like we are friends! We aren't!" I stand up, pacing the room, like a caged tiger. "You don't know me! You don't know a thing about me! You haven't been inside my head! You haven't felt my pain, my hate, my…guilt! You don't know what it's like to be me! No one does. Not Davis. Not Yolei. Not my parents! No one." All energy drained out of me, I collapse into the chair; my body shaking with the tears that raced to fall down my cheeks.
"I just wanted it to stop." I cry. Whimpering in my chair.
"I know, Ken, but why did you feel death was your only choice?"
I look up at her, disturbed by the question. "What did make me think that was the only choice?"
I close my eyes and speak slowly.
"It was the only choice."
"How so?"
"I never chose to have my brother die in front of me, although I wished it, I didn't want it to really happen. I never chose to have the pressure to full his shoes and become a genius for my parents. I never chose for any of the crap that was dealt out to me! I never chose the voices in my head! I never chose the pain, the hate the guilt! So I did chose this!" I hold up my bandaged wrists, "I chose when it all stops! That was my choice. That was my only choice."
I study her face, she seems genuinely sorry for me. I don't want her sympathy.
A small clock on her desk chimes. "I'm sorry Ken, but that's time up. But I'll see you on Thursday?"
My gaze drops to the cream carpet, a part of me just wants to keep talking, the other wants to get out. I nod my head in answer to her question. Getting up from my chair, she guides me over to the door, her hand on my shoulder. I turn back to her, "Thank you."
A smile was her response.
~~~***~~~
Leaning on the balcony of my room, I let the gentle breeze tug at my indigo hair, not a thought in my head. This is what I savor. The silence in my head. Wormmon in my arms, nuzzling me warmly.
It wasn't like that the day I tried to escape this life. No, not at all. I had a test that day, a test I studied for, but for some reason was so worried that I would fail, and let my parents down, that I cheated. I wasn't caught, but I felt so bad about it, so guilty that I couldn't take it anymore. That voice in my head, haunting me, punishing me. I deserved it, I know it, but I just couldn't make it shut up. "Fool. What were you thinking? You could have been caught and then what? Not to mention the grade you got on it? You think you deserved that? You think that was fair?" It just wouldn't leave me alone. I ran home, and retched in the bathroom for what felt like hours, sick to my stomach with guilt. That was the last straw. That was it, it was time for it to end, and so I dragged my self to the kitchen and sliced my wrists. Wormmon, who had wondered where I had got to, wandered in to the kitchen to find me sitting on the floor, my back up against the cupboards, crimson liquid pulsing out of me, and drenching my gray uniform. I blanked out just as I saw him get on the phone.
Waking up in the hospital was the worst. The shame of what I did. What I put my parents through. That was so selfish, they already lost one son, my mother would go crazy if she lost both of us. Then I had to look at Davis, Yolei, Kari, Cody and T.K.'s faces. I just wanted to be anywhere but there.
My mother calls my name, distracting me from that moment on the balcony; I turn to face the door, "Mama?"
"You friend, Yolei is on the phone dear!"
I take the phone from my mother, and talk in the privacy of my room, "Hello?"
"Hey Ken-chan!"
A grin spreads across my face; her voice is so energetic and loveable. "Hi Yolei-chan."
"So how was the shrink?"
I go on to tell her how I felt, and what happened, I feel, for some reason, better, like I could talk to Yolei for hours. I know now that I have people who want to listen. And I know it will not go away, but each day it will get a bit better. I hope.
I'm not crazy, I just hear voices.
----~~~~----
Wormmon: Wow! It had a happy ending.
Nic: Yeah, well, it's not how I intended it to turn out, but it just happened. *Gags* I hate sappy endings, so why do I write them?
Ken: 'Cause you love me, and wouldn't kill me.
Nic: But Ken-chan, I killed you in 'The End of the End' remember?
Ken: Oh yeah. I still haven't forgiven you for that.
Wormmon: Don't worry Ken-chan, I have read her notes, and know that you are in it.
Nic: Wormmon! You read my notes!?
Kaiser: So did I.
Nic: What? I thought I locked them in a draw!
Osamu: I picked the lock.
Nic: *Spins to face Osamu* What are you doing here? Since when are you one of my muses?
Osamu: *shrugs* Since now I guess.
Nic: *-*
"Not Crazy"
"I'm not crazy." I tell myself as I sit in a chair that was only comfortable for ten minutes. I know I'm not crazy, and I know that I don't need to be here.
She asked me a question, but I was too busy staring out of the window of this rectangular cage, they call an office. A pidgin flew by a couple of times. How I wish I was that bird. Free and with the power to go anywhere but here. I wish I could get out of here, but I still have fifty minutes left.
"Ken, what made you think that was your only option?"
I lift my head slightly at the call of my name. That must have been the second time she asked that question, because it seemed a bit urgent. I sigh, and think of how to answer that question, placing my elbow upon the armrest of the large burgundy chair. Resting my head on my hand for support, I glance at the white bandage wrapped tightly around my wrist, as if to stop something from getting loose. Something like my life. That moment is an instant reminder of why exactly I'm here. I move my gaze to the mahogany wood desk in front of me. The one thing dividing me from that tall, blond woman. She studies me through her black framed, rectangular glasses. She's a very professional looking woman, with tight French twist, and a red business suit. She opens her mouth to ask the question again, but I stop her before they reach her tongue.
"I'm not crazy." I tell her plainly.
She blinked at me, seemingly surprised by my answer. "I never said you were, Ken."
"Then why am I here?"
Again, she pauses, probably unsure as to how to answer that, but yet, she still has one, "You're parents are worried for you Ken. They want you to get help. It's good for you to talk about your feelings and problems."
I pause to take that in. Yeah, sure, how's this doc? "See, I killed my older, genius, popular brother, Osamu. Not physically, but by wishing it, so yeah, big guilt feelings there. Oh, and then after that, I got implanted with this thing called a Dark Spore. It made me really smart and a great athlete. But, it fed off all the darkness and negativity in my soul, and so I became this horrible person. But wait there's more, I discovered this world called the Digital World, where I became a sadistic tyrant, enslaving the Digimon and using them to fight, and torture and destroy for me, against their will. I called myself the Digimon Emperor. Oh, and lets not forget that I based my outfit for the Emperor on my Brother. That is the glasses and hair anyway. Yeah, you could say I hated him, at that point anyway. Anyway long story short, I was beaten by these kids called the Digidestined, and they made me see that the Digital World was a real place and that the Digimon were real creatures. Oh, did I forget to mention that I thought it was all a game? Well, yes, how wrong was I? Anyway, now I have all this immense guilt, pain and lets not even talk about the nightmares. Some how, I don't think so."
I look up at her, my face blank and simply say, "I'm not the 'Let's share' type."
She cocks her head at me, and smiles sweetly, following my gaze out the window. "You have beautiful eyes, Ken."
I snap my head back to face her, "What?"
Her smile did not falter, in fact it got wider, "I said you have beautiful eyes."
"I heard what you said, but why did you say it?" There is a bite of anger in my voice that I couldn't seem to control.
She removes her glasses and rests her chin on her hands; "It's a pity they are so sorrow filled."
A slight frown creases my forehead, "Pardon?"
"I just wonder what could have happened to you that made those eyes so sad."
I bite my lip and fight the tears stinging in the corners of my eyes. "Where do I start?" I ask myself. An image coming to the front of my head as the words left her mouth.
I was only about five years old, and may as well not even have been born. Osamu was far more interesting to my parents and their friends, and well, everyone. But I was quiet and gentle and shy, and my brother loved me for it. He lived in the spotlight, while I waited in the wings. At that age, I didn't care much, I just wished that my parents took notice that I still existed.
Sure there was times where I got jealous and angry, but that was always at my parents, never at Osamu. No, when he hit me and shouted at me, I cried, and I hurt so badly inside. I felt like he hated me, and that I was just an annoyance in his life. Like I was worthless. But then he died, right in front of my eyes after making that stupid wish. And years later, I felt I had to take his place, make my parents proud of me, and become him. I lost myself. Becoming consumed with anger and hate, taking it out on innocent creatures. Being cruel to people. And then, seeing it for the first time when they, my friends defeated me. It was like a slap in the face, and an overwhelming guilt washed over me. True guilt. Sickening guilt. There were times, where I couldn't face food, I felt so sick about what I did. Nausea hit me every time I thought about my actions. It still does. I just hurt so much.
She leans back in her chair and crosses one black stocking, leg over the other. A heavy sigh escapes her lips, she knows she isn't going to get me to speak to her. I don't want to. The only reason I'm here is because my parents got the shock of their lives and nearly lost me to a sharp, silver blade. I shudder at my thought. "How did I do that?" I guess I just couldn't take the guilt and hurt anymore. I couldn't take the voices abusing me inside my head, I couldn't take the way Davis and Yolei tried to make me feel better, when really, it was a waste of their breath.
"I just couldn't take it anymore."
"Take what Ken?"
I frowned, and mentally gasped, "Did I say that aloud?" And before I could stop myself, tears crawled down my cheeks.
"Everything." I sobbed, "I'm not crazy."
"I know Ken…"
"Stop saying that!"
She blinked at me, in confusion, "Say what, Ken?"
"My name," I whisper, then my voice steadily gets louder and angrier, before I can control it, "stop saying it like we are friends! We aren't!" I stand up, pacing the room, like a caged tiger. "You don't know me! You don't know a thing about me! You haven't been inside my head! You haven't felt my pain, my hate, my…guilt! You don't know what it's like to be me! No one does. Not Davis. Not Yolei. Not my parents! No one." All energy drained out of me, I collapse into the chair; my body shaking with the tears that raced to fall down my cheeks.
"I just wanted it to stop." I cry. Whimpering in my chair.
"I know, Ken, but why did you feel death was your only choice?"
I look up at her, disturbed by the question. "What did make me think that was the only choice?"
I close my eyes and speak slowly.
"It was the only choice."
"How so?"
"I never chose to have my brother die in front of me, although I wished it, I didn't want it to really happen. I never chose to have the pressure to full his shoes and become a genius for my parents. I never chose for any of the crap that was dealt out to me! I never chose the voices in my head! I never chose the pain, the hate the guilt! So I did chose this!" I hold up my bandaged wrists, "I chose when it all stops! That was my choice. That was my only choice."
I study her face, she seems genuinely sorry for me. I don't want her sympathy.
A small clock on her desk chimes. "I'm sorry Ken, but that's time up. But I'll see you on Thursday?"
My gaze drops to the cream carpet, a part of me just wants to keep talking, the other wants to get out. I nod my head in answer to her question. Getting up from my chair, she guides me over to the door, her hand on my shoulder. I turn back to her, "Thank you."
A smile was her response.
~~~***~~~
Leaning on the balcony of my room, I let the gentle breeze tug at my indigo hair, not a thought in my head. This is what I savor. The silence in my head. Wormmon in my arms, nuzzling me warmly.
It wasn't like that the day I tried to escape this life. No, not at all. I had a test that day, a test I studied for, but for some reason was so worried that I would fail, and let my parents down, that I cheated. I wasn't caught, but I felt so bad about it, so guilty that I couldn't take it anymore. That voice in my head, haunting me, punishing me. I deserved it, I know it, but I just couldn't make it shut up. "Fool. What were you thinking? You could have been caught and then what? Not to mention the grade you got on it? You think you deserved that? You think that was fair?" It just wouldn't leave me alone. I ran home, and retched in the bathroom for what felt like hours, sick to my stomach with guilt. That was the last straw. That was it, it was time for it to end, and so I dragged my self to the kitchen and sliced my wrists. Wormmon, who had wondered where I had got to, wandered in to the kitchen to find me sitting on the floor, my back up against the cupboards, crimson liquid pulsing out of me, and drenching my gray uniform. I blanked out just as I saw him get on the phone.
Waking up in the hospital was the worst. The shame of what I did. What I put my parents through. That was so selfish, they already lost one son, my mother would go crazy if she lost both of us. Then I had to look at Davis, Yolei, Kari, Cody and T.K.'s faces. I just wanted to be anywhere but there.
My mother calls my name, distracting me from that moment on the balcony; I turn to face the door, "Mama?"
"You friend, Yolei is on the phone dear!"
I take the phone from my mother, and talk in the privacy of my room, "Hello?"
"Hey Ken-chan!"
A grin spreads across my face; her voice is so energetic and loveable. "Hi Yolei-chan."
"So how was the shrink?"
I go on to tell her how I felt, and what happened, I feel, for some reason, better, like I could talk to Yolei for hours. I know now that I have people who want to listen. And I know it will not go away, but each day it will get a bit better. I hope.
I'm not crazy, I just hear voices.
----~~~~----
Wormmon: Wow! It had a happy ending.
Nic: Yeah, well, it's not how I intended it to turn out, but it just happened. *Gags* I hate sappy endings, so why do I write them?
Ken: 'Cause you love me, and wouldn't kill me.
Nic: But Ken-chan, I killed you in 'The End of the End' remember?
Ken: Oh yeah. I still haven't forgiven you for that.
Wormmon: Don't worry Ken-chan, I have read her notes, and know that you are in it.
Nic: Wormmon! You read my notes!?
Kaiser: So did I.
Nic: What? I thought I locked them in a draw!
Osamu: I picked the lock.
Nic: *Spins to face Osamu* What are you doing here? Since when are you one of my muses?
Osamu: *shrugs* Since now I guess.
Nic: *-*