There's a lot of trouble in having an Internet friend.
They might seem better than friends I might have in real life, but its actually worse.
I'm not saying that an Internet friend are worse than friends I see everyday at school, trust me, their way less complicated. An Internet friend are easier to talk to: I don't have to stare into his judging eyes when I tell him a secret or have him demand to see my arms everytime he sees me, like I would've cut them at school in a time span of four class periods.
Sure, I can know what my Internet friend look like, and he can make sure I'm not hurting myself anymore, but its different in a way. Sometimes, I can forget that I'm actually talking to a human being that has his own life and his own school, and other friends. It just feels like me and him and no one else. Just me and him forever.
But, sometimes it doesn't feel like forever. Sometimes, I'm left staring at a phone or computer without his screen name on it with the little green circle to the left of it, indicating that he's online. It feels like shit, especially when I'm having a bad day and all I want to do is climb into the virtual arms of my Internet best friend and have him reassure me that yes, I mean something and, yes, I am a gift to this world.
And then there's the even worse times when he is online, and I've already messaged him, but he hasn't responded yet. Or he never does. Either he hasn't seen the message yet, that little 1 in a small red box at the top right corner of the screen next to the notification panel, or he doesn't want to talk to anyone at the moment.
And the thing is, I never know which one it is.
Because an Internet friend is so easy to lie to. There are no face to face conversations that I can tell he is lying by the nervous look in his eyes or the way he won't look at me. All I can see are the words on the screen and the little emojis that anyone can put to easily lie about what he's saying.
But he's also a great person to talk to. I can tell him anything, like how I broke my two month clean streak last night, or how this one guy won't stop flirting with me, or about how all my real life friends are just bitches. And he can reassure me that he is proud of me for being two months clean even though I broke it, that I am strong to be able to resist the urge to cut for so long, and that old habits are easy to slip back into. He can tell me that guy is desperate, but I should stop flirting back and fueling his fire, like asking him for his jacket, etc. He can tell me that I should just forget about those "friends" if they make me feel like shit and don't seem to care about me.
There's the sweet little messages he sends me, with the little ~ symbol to indicate that he's flirting over the Internet. How he called me baby once when I was upset. How he calls me "my dude." There's the times he makes me feel better and happier than I thought I could be at the moment. His weird jokes, how he can't type, the teasing, the ranting, the crying, the overall weirdness we two always have when we talk, the tagging, the emojis.
In time, over a span of almost two years, I think it turned into something more than friendship for me.
I think I fell in love.
I think I fell in love with the way he always calmed me down and made me happy whenever I was having a rough day. I think I fell in love with the way he would always want to "fight" my friend whenever he took my phone and texted him. I think I fell in love with the way he called me "my dude" and said "feelsbadman" and "shit blows."
I think I fell in love with him.
It mind sound crazy: I was just seventeen and about to turn eighteen in June, he was eighteen and about to turn nineteen in January. But it worked for me.
And now, for the first time in our two year Internet friendship (about to be three coming January) , we were going to be separated for a week because of Thanksgiving break.
The first two years, I could talk to him over the breaks from school, because my family had enough money for WiFi at my house.
But, recently in the past year, my dad lost his job, and we are currently in a way worse place than before. So we had to cut a few things my mom said we could live without. That included the WiFi.
So, this was my first time in two years that I wasn't going to be able to talk to him for a while.
It was going to be torture.
And here I was now, sitting in my Spanish 4 class on the Friday before Thanksgiving break began, refreshing the page over and over again in hopes that his name would appear. My friend Carin was trying to drag me away from my phone and get me to do my Spanish work, but it was hopeless.
I was having a side conversation with a couple of other people on the website, just to try and get my spirits up a little, when I noticed it. He was online!
Hoping I didn't come off as desperate, I opened the messaging tab and sent him two quick messages.
'I just wanted to say goodbye' and 'ya know, before Thanksgiving break.'
I had already tagged him in about three posts demanding him to come online so I could say goodbye, so he should've already seen it by now, but I kind of wanted to say goodbye to him in private, where everyone else couldn't read our messages.
The class drug on and on, and I only had 5 more minutes until school ended, when I gave up. He wasn't going to say anything to me, and I was going to have to live with that knowledge for a whole week.
I stayed on the website for the rest of the five minutes anyway, checking for replies every ten seconds until the bell rang and I had to go home.
All the way to the band hall, I checked for messages. As I walked with my French horn to the bus loop, I checked for messages. Outside the school, I checked for messages. As I sat next to my friend Hannah on the bus, I checked for messages.
Even as we drove out of the bus loop, away from the WiFi filled school, I checked for messages. And when I reloaded the page one last time, a blank white screen came up, telling me to check my Internet connection.
My eyes filled up with tears. I hadn't even gotten to say goodbye to him.
The rest of the bus ride home, I halfhearted joked with Hannah about how we would get fat for Thanksgiving, and then I was home.
Inside, I collapsed on my bed after throwing my stuff on the floor. The tears I had been fighting back for the 30 minute bus ride began to flow freely, and I felt miserable.
He hadn't said goodbye.
I stared at my arms, letting my eyes drift over the two fresh cuts on it from this week, and at the faint scars from two months ago.
I tried to force away the negative comments forcing their way into my head, but I couldn't stop a couple of them from slipping in.
What if he didn't want to talk to me anymore?
What if he was mad at me?
What if a two year, almost three, friendship just went to waste.
God, I'm such a fucking pessimist.
A week later, A WHOLE FUCKING WEEK, I was going to school again, and this was this first time in my whole life that I was happy to go back to school. A whole week without our jokes, and week of not talking, a week without being able to communicate a single letter to each other.
Did I mention it was a week?
I was practically shaking with excitement as I walked into the school and pulled my phone out immediately. I ignored one of my friends as he ran up to me and tried to talk about my weekend. I snapped at him I was trying to talk to someone.
He elbowed me I'm the arm (where it was fucking BURNING because I just couldn't help doing it again, if I might add) and asked if I had a girlfriend.
I blushed and denied it as I began to log onto the WiFi. Soon enough, the friend decided I was too boring and left to find his girlfriend, Audrey.
The WiFi was being super slow today and it took about a minute to load. Ignoring the 50 notifications I had from other unimportant people, (even though I felt a little loved people missed me that much) my eyes immediately went to the messaging tab, and my heart skipped a beat.
I had about seven unread messages from him. Quickly, as quick as it would load, I read them.
'im so sorry'
'i didn't say goodbye because i was busy'
'feelsbadman'
'but it was worth it my dude'
'i have a surprise for u monday when you get back'
'just message me as soon as im online that monday'
'its a good surprise dw'
I smiled at how frantic he sounded, but a twinge of excitement flashed through me. A surprise?
I wasn't going to be able to concentrate until he came online, and I knew he was going to around 4th period or lunch.
I hated timezones.
It was nearing the end of fourth period, and I knew that even though it was only 11:00 am for me, it was about 4:00 pm for him, and he was just getting home from his school.
Fucking Atlantic Ocean in between us.
It was about to be 11:08 and the bell was just about to ring, when his name popped up and— RING.
I smiled and left the class with everyone else, hanging behind to walk with my phone out.
'Heyyy' I sent the message with a smile on my face. He usually took a while to respond, so I was surprised to see him respond immediately.
'sup my dude'
'Thanksgiving break sucked. I was lonely'
'feelsbadman wish you could work out the wifi situation'
'Yeah same. You had a surprise for me?'
'yes hold on'
I smiled and sat down at the lunch table (because I walked pretty damn fast in the hallway), not even making an effort to eat, like always, and waited.
'you ready? its a long story'
'Course I'm ready'
The next message was huge. I sighed and began to read it.
'i remembered that your sister had a Q account, and i miraculously managed to find it. i messaged her and asked if she was actually your sister, she miraculously responded and said yeah. well, i asked her something and we worked something out. we planned this all thanksgiving break, and I convinced them to pay for it. your parents.they agreed, don't worry ill pay them back'
My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
'Agreed to what?'
'they got you a plane ticket. to come here'
I froze. What—
'don't cry, i know youre about to.'
He knew me too well.
I was going to get to see him. I didn't care if it was far away. I would get to see him.
I was speechless.
And then the day was here. I would get to see him. In a mere day, I would be by his side.
The plane ride seemed to take forever. It was my first time on a plane, and I felt slightly sick, but the nervousness overrode it.
I was so nervous.
Eventually, I don't know when it was, I fell asleep. I was awoken by the sound of the landing, and I jerked awake.
I was here.
It took forever to get through all the security stuff in the airport, but when I did, I was in the lounge and I didn't know where to go. I stood there awkwardly until I saw him.
In the distance, I saw a head sticking uo above everyone else's, and I knew it was him. And he saw me.
I couldn't move, I could only smile as he noticed me and ran towards me. Closer, I could see how black his hair was. Closer, his pale skin. Closer, his blue eyes.
Even closer, his warm arms.
I dropped my bags and reciprocated the hug. My arms wrapped around him instinctively and I couldn't let go. We were almost the same height, him a couple inches taller than me. He was reslly warm, and his hair was soft against my cheek.
I hadn't even heard his voice yet and I felt at home.
I didn't even realize I was crying until he was rubbing my back soothingly. And then his voice reached me.
"Why are you crying? This is supposed to be happy."
His voice was deeper than I woulđ have thought. And his accent made it even funnier.
I laughed. "Holy shit, your voice. Its deep, and I never thought about the accent. I don't like it."
He pulled away and stared at me with his blue eyes. "You sound like Winnie the Pooh."
A blush found its way to my cheeks. "I know."
"And your accents not that much better. What are you, a cowboy?" He snorted, his tongue poking out between his teeth.
"Don't mess with Texas." I smiled as I said the state slogan and he stick his tongue out at me.
"I'm so happy to meet you, Phil." The words slipped from my mouth and a tear from my eye.
"Me too, Dan"
And then his lips were on mine, and I was more at home than ever before.
A/N awe its kinda sweet. Btw, this was based on a true story (my own) up until the first that popped up. The rest I made up (okay, I ALSO made up the falling in love with him at the beginning)