A/N: Hello my darlings, here are some 1st person POV monologue-esqu ramblings of Elena. I highly encourage you to check out the song that started it all, it's incredible. Thanks for reading, enjoy!

Bat For Lashes – What's A Girl To Do?

We walked arm in arm

But I didn't feel his touch

The desire I'd first tried to hide

That tingling inside was gone

And when he asked me, do you still love me?

I had to look away

I didn't want to tell him

That my heart grows colder with each day

When you've loved so long

That your thrill is gone

And your kisses at night

Are replaced with tears

And when your dreams are on

A train to train-wreck town

Then I ask you now

What's a girl to do?

He said he'd take me away

That we'd work things out

And I didn't want to tell him

But it was then I had to say

Over the times we've shared

It's all blackened out

And my bat lightning heart

Wants to fly away

When you've loved so long

That the thrill is gone

And your kisses at night

Are replaced with tears

And when your dreams are on

A train to train-wreck town

Then I ask you now

What's a girl to do?

What's a girl to do?

What's a girl to do?

What's a girl to do?

I never thought I'd be here; I didn't expect this.

I didn't want to be in this place, but no matter how long I search, I can't seem to find the beginning.

I thought it would last forever; but forever doesn't mean what it used to.

I thought it would stay same; I should have known that nothing ever does.

I meant it when I said I loved him, I still mean it now.

I wish that was enough, but it doesn't carry the potency that it used to.

It's crumbling under the burden of our mountain of decisions.

The arms that once protected me have been twisted into restraints; I feel as though I'm being shackled to the person that was once the one dearest to me.

I don't want to fight them, but the urge to break free is too strong; and I hate that I have the desire to escape at all.

This was supposed to be my sanctuary, but now it's only a prison.

I'm supposed to be happy; I should want to be here.

But somewhere along the way, it tilted, and I can't find what I need to make it level again.

Where was the shift? When?

How could I have seen it coming when I can't even find it now?

I know when it should have happened, I was given every reason, every excuse; but in those times of acceptable weakness I had never felt sturdier.

It should have broken when I learned what he is.

I should have run when I first glimpsed the man he was trying to bury within himself, to keep hidden from me.

I should have released him when he left, just as he asked me to do when he declared he would never come back.

But I didn't; I couldn't.

Now I'm disgusted that sometimes I wish I had.

I have it all now, everything I thought I wanted; he's here, he loves me, and he swears he still wants me.

He came back; another promise broken.

Why is that the one I wish he had kept?

What is it that keeps me awake when I'm lying next to him?

Why does his smile feel like a threat?

I want to want.

I beg myself, need myself, to crave the future he wants to give me; but I can't resist gripping the past as my only solace, and the past is not the same one we shared.

I promised to forgive, but not to forget.

The memories are haunting me; they never fail to seek me out at the times that I most need them to be concealed.

They're not the memories I want to remember.

Can loving your past be strong enough to sustain the present, to use as a foundation to build for the future?

I used to think so, but now I don't even have the energy to try.

I don't doubt his love for me, I never have and I couldn't even if I wanted to.

He shouts it with every touch, every glance, every minute he continues to fight for me.

But every vow feels like a betrayal; whether it's his or mine, I can't be sure.

My eyes were closed for so long, and now that they're finally open I can't find the will to seal them shut again.

I want to search to find the strength, but I won't.

The truth is, I'm terrified.

We've lost the balance between the truth and the lies, and all that's hidden weighs too much to be ignored.

The stress of the silence is bearing down on me with an oppressing drive, and no matter how hard I push against it, it crushes me further still.

I know he sees; there is no way he cannot.

I know he knows; but he pretends he doesn't.

We all know, yet we continue to dance the perfect dance of denial.

I don't know whose silence enrages me more.

I don't want to be blind to all that's in front of me, but that's all I've ever been.

I was gifted with the light I hadn't been seeking, and it was only ever a flash; but now that it's gone, I've been left in the most unfathomable blackness I've ever known and I can't find the brightness where it's supposed to be.

The eyes that say they love me are leaving me cold and empty.

I want them to be warm; but every time I look, I'm more afraid that they will be, than I fear that they won't.

It would be easier if he hated me; but he doesn't.

It would be simpler if I didn't love him; but I do.

It would be kinder for us to speak the truth; but our lips are still.

We're both clinging to the people that we want to be, used to be, but our fingers slip more the tighter we hold.

You cannot keep a shadow, and I want to find the daylight.

It's calling to me, has been searching for me; I know where to find it, but I'm scared to seek it out.

The fear is crippling.

I don't want to be her; I promised them both I wouldn't and I wasn't.

But what is one more promise shattered in our tangled web of secrets?

I know what needs to be done; I just pray that they will forgive me.

I hope I can forgive myself.

But I won't spend eternity in the cold arms of the man I once loved, while the one I need watches us over his brother's shoulder.

I can't.

I won't.

A/N: Thanks for reading guys, please review, I adore all comments and even criticism. Feel free to check out some of my other work as well, always love to hear what you think!

-Goldnox