Reflections of a broken mirror
Sometimes it's hard for Julian to look at himself in the mirror and remember who he used to be before everything changed. Before tragedy struck him just like an accursed character in the Greek literature that his dad used to read to him. Before he unfolded the tragedy with his own hands, striking his father in the midst of the chaotic battle, making his family the only witnesses of the horror. He will never know if his fate was already sealed long ago or if he sealed his own sentence with his decision. The memories of a boy basked in happiness, mischief and innocence is now smeared with blood. The blade may have pierced his father's heart, but it was his that was broken that day and ever since. And the cracked mirror that hold his damaged reflection reminds him too much of the weight he carries upon his shoulder to afford to care about a new mirror.
Sometimes it's hard for Julian to look directly into his brothers' and sisters' eyes. More than their words, it's the message behind their eyes that frightens him the most. Be Tavvy's cries in the night, Dru's claim for attention on her new hobby, Livy's worry for his twin, or Ty's elaborated demands. They all translate in the need to be protected, to be taken care of, to depend on him. In the beginning, when he was still twelve, he was sure the truth would crawl out of his throat every time his eyes met his little siblings': "I can't be what you want me to be". Even though he barely had any real knowledge of the world, had just learned its cruelty, he had to be their father. The father that he killed.
But time allowed him to learn to build himself upon their eyes. Even without knowing how to, he learned. He learned from small matters to big ones. From cooking for all the different tastes, to deciding where to put the line, when to say 'no' to children that lost almost everything. Nonetheless, learning didn't helped the feeling he was still none the wiser. He made decisions he still has no idea if he was right. But one thing he found out was that there are moments when decisions need to be made for the sake of his family, and he's the only one able to make them. He even got used to the insecurity of making wrongs decisions, because he had learned that the weight of making right ones is not always lighter than making the wrong ones. He knew the consequences of his decisions would be carried by him either way, and Julian prayed that he would be the only one to bare the negative side of them.
More than physically, time gives him the opportunity to grow mentally. He builds walls to support himself so he can be strong enough to support their siblings. He conceals feelings inside himself so he can bear. He pretends so his siblings can sleep better at night. And Julian tells himself he's not going to let them down so he can close his eyes and escape his fears in the bleakness of his room. The shape of the fears changes with time, but it still doesn't make it any easier to meet their eyes. But he manages every time, because they need it.
Sometimes it's hard for Julian to be besides Emma and not wish to go back in time, to before the decision to be her parabatai. Most of times he thinks it was the day he made the biggest mistake of his life, but at the same time it was the only decision that could keep him still standing all these years. To wish to have another type of bond with her and to desperately grab hold of the only bond that makes him a unique presence in her life. The reassurance that no matter what happens she's going to remain by his side, strengthening him in his darkest hours. The despair that comes from knowing that even when they are sharing a bed he will never be able to feel and touch her the way he wants. Watching Cameron taking the place he wants the most and knowing he's the only one that can't even try to get what he wants. Realizing that life made him put this sin on himself, and thinking that couldn't have been any different. Because he knows that he couldn't choose a life without Emma and even if it kills him inside everyday, he would make the same choice again. All because in the end, it doesn't matter how much this unattainable love hurts, he knows he only managed to support the kids because he had Emma supporting him.
As he looks at himself in the mirror, these contradictions grow on his chest until he thinks he cannot breath. And every breath he manages to take seems to take a little of his life away. With his hands clenched at the sink and his eyes stuck in his broken reflection he finally understands. Why he looks at the broken mirror everyday and never thinks of changing it for a new one. Just like the mirror, time only brings more cracks in the surface, but for some unknown reason he still manages to hold himself together.
He knows he should change the mirror, and he would if his siblings used his bathroom. But they don't, and the mirror it's only his, so he doesn't. Besides the damaged mirror, he wonders what aspect of his life can actually said to be his own.
In the end he asks himself if this question matters at all.
That's the introduction of this series of oneshots based on Julian's reflection of his life and the people surrounding him. I'm planning of making one chapter for each character Julian reflects upon. I'm still deciding who I should begin with... Maybe Mark, who was not in Julian immediate thoughts because this introduction it's supposed to be placed before Lady Midnight. I'm open to ideas and critics.
Sorry for any misspelling or grammatical errors, I pledge myself guilty of being brazilian and having a portuguese-wired brain.