AN - this is shit. and not THE shit, but just SHIT. like dog shit. there's no explicitives in this story. no funnies. just angst.
or my ATTEMPT at angst, which basically sucks. the fact that its two in the morning and i'm fasting my body of its toxins probably has something to do with that.
anyways. =) here it is anyhow!
You were such a silly, insipid teenage girl. You were infatuated with a man that was eternally damned to live forever as a seventeen year old boy. He made you feel loved and important - and yes, it was shallow, but when you had the arms of a living, breathing Adonis wrapped around you, it was impossible not to feel a little giddy that he chose you over all the other girls.
You were just a plain, simplistic human. You were never the most fashionable.
Your hair layed flat along your back.
Your breasts weren't even that large.
You were just normal. Boring.
And you felt special that someone as gorgeous and as perfect as he would give you a second look.
It wasn't until nearly fifty years had passed did you begin to realize how skewed your whole opinion of his Godly perfection and your human imperfections had been.
He was, just as you are now, so perfect that his whole appearance, his whole persona, was inexplicably boring.
His jaw line was perfectly shaped and his eyes were not beady nor were they too far apart. Just as your nose was now the perfect button size and your lips no longer dull and flat, but plump and pink, instead.
When your life had ended, all of your human scars and notable features had been erased. Just like your memories. Just like your past.
Just like his had been.
You were never ugly; you just felt so minimal in comparison to their perfection that any ounce of self esteem you once had vanished as soon as you stepped into the same room as them.
Mike Newton never thought you were ugly. Eric Yorkie never thought you were ugly.
They thought you were beautiful. And they were human. And you could of lived a happy, human life with them, had you never got yourself entangled with he and his family.
Oblivion breeds happiness.
But he was your first love, and the fact that he wasn't human and you were and that there were so many boundaries you couldn't cross with him is probably why things were so different.
Ninety percent of high school relationships never work out in the long run, and so following graduation its expected that your first loves fade and your second and third and so on's breed.
Manifest.
You didn't have to worry about his infidelity or his bad breath or how he forgot your birthday. If anything, you wished he would have such a flaw because when you were human and he was not, he seemed like a God. He was flawless in your eyes, and even when he left you in your misery, in your heartbreak, even then he had a justifiable reason.
It was for your safety.
Your right to live a human life.
To have human experiences.
Maybe if he hadn't been a vampire you would not of spent so many months wasting away in self pity. Maybe if he had just been any other human, teenage boy, you would of spent three nights crying to your nonexistent girlfriends while gorging on junk food before finally settling on the best retaliation to his behavior; revenge.
But he wasn't just any other human boy, and you didn't have those girlfriends to cry to because you had cut out everyone normal in your life the moment he had walked into it.
So you had to settle for a pathetic life spent alone, wallowing in self doubt and pity. Even though you never mentioned it after the two of you had been reunited, you knew deep down that the real reason you had been so depressed and alone and sad those months was because you were afraid.
He had called himself a monster countless times. A monster undeserving of your love. A monster undeserving of any ones love. You always denied his remarks, though, telling him that monster's are incapable of feeling guilt.
But still, the thought always lingered at the back of your mind, and that thought manifested itself in your thoughts after his departure. It was intensified and impossible to ignore, and you were always left wondering what types of evils existed in the world that the meek humans weren't aware of.
Surely, if there were good vampires, there were bad ones.
He had said as much when he was going on one of his tirades about how dangerous he was.
Surely, if there were bad vampires, there were other bad creatures, as well.
These thoughts of the unknown and the uncertainty of the world left you with nightmares.
Because once before, when you were by his side, you weren't so meek. He was there to protect you, to defend you from the unknown.
But now he was gone and there you were again, just a pathetic little human.
Once you know of the evils that exist you can't just forget them. And if you let them, the fear of those evils will maximize and grow and spawn in your mind, leaving nothing but minimal traces of the rationality you had once obtained.
But then his "sister" came to you, and she saw you in one of your weakest moments of life, even weaker then the first time you took a human life, or when the coven crossed paths with that new human he couldn't read the mind of.
She saw you in heartbreak.
But it was such a blur of miscommunications and plane rides and red eyed vampires and then, finally, he was there, by your side again, and you let yourself believe that everything was right. Everything was good and normal and it was like he had never left.
But there was always that worry that he might leave again in the back of your mind, and when you woke up screaming for him at night when he had been right beside you all along, it was then that your real fears shone through.
And you couldn't hide behind that happy go lucky facade anymore.
And he looked at you with regret and sadness and, worst of all, pity.
You and he wed the summer before college. You found it quite humorous, because after proclaiming himself a monster undeserving of your love, it was he who wanted to perform the human, sacred act of marriage.
It was a draw, and you both knew it.
Your hand in marriage for your eternal life.
Thinking back on it now, you can see how it hadn't been a very fair draw. You had sacrificed everything, and what was he forced to give up?
Nothing.
The memory of your change has always been vibrant in your mind. You will never forget the searing pain, the fire, the burning, and most importantly the regret you saw in his eyes as he watched your body writhe in distress.
Regret for putting you in so much pain?
Or was it regret for the change, regret for taking your life and ultimately having to spend forever by your side?
I had always believed in love at first sight, in happily ever after.
Romeo and Juliet was one of my favorite books, so you can't honestly say you expected any different.
The first ten years were blissful. Your human memories were all a blur of rainy days and forests and the forever seventeen year old boy that had stolen your heart.
You never told him so, but your most vivid human memories were of the months he had been gone.
It wasn't until the first thirty years had passed did you begin to feel extreme sadness for the loss of your family.
For the pain that you had caused them.
You found your fathers obituary on the Forks Gazette online edition, and it stated that he had died of a stroke at seventy one.
It was then that you began to think of your life in a matter of what could have been's.
You could of been fourty nine years old.
You could of been an English professor or a librarian or a writer.
You could of had kids and a dog and friends.
Those were all the things that you should of had, the things that you should have done, but never did.
You didn't think it was so much regret as it was mourning.
Mourning for the life you never got to lead.
But then you were reaching the forty year mark of your eternal life and you found yourself bored.
And you feared that that was how it was going to be.
You feared that you would find yourself bored for forever.
Forever. Never before had it seemed like such a threatening word.
Never before had it scared you so much.
Fifty years had passed and you were living in a new town with new people, a place that felt oddly similar to the one you had lived in during your human life.
It had taken fifty years, but you were finally beginning to notice the faults in the man you were certain you loved so dearly.
Like the way he was quick to anger and even quicker to judgement.
Or the fierce protectiveness he always felt over you, even when it wasn't needed.
Even when it wasn't wanted.
In a way, he was territorial. Commanding. Possessive.
You had never noticed those traits as faults before, but suddenly that's the way you were beginning to view them.
Fifty years and you were living in this new town with new people, and one sixteen year old girl, as human as any other, stuck out to him.
She was blond with blue eyes and her father had died two years before from cancer.
She lived with her Aunt because her mother was an unfit parent.
She wasn't very popular and she always had her head down in her sketch pad, drawing away.
She was fashionable and talented and even though you couldn't remember yourself very clearly as a human, you just knew that you could of never compared to her.
Even as you were, a vampire, perfect and flawless, you felt incomparable to her. You felt jealousy. And rage. And anger.
Because he couldn't read her mind, and it made you wonder if thats all it was.
Maybe you weren't special to him.
Maybe it was just a fluke.
Had the one thing that had brought the two of you together so effortlessly really been more common then he had assumed?
Could the bond the two of you had created really be torn down so effortlessly by a meek human girl with pretty blue eyes?
It made you wonder if things would of been different if he could have read your mind.
If he could of known that you viewed him as a beautiful angel, as a perfect creature disguised as a human boy, just as all those other girls had.
Would he of found your adoration endearing?
No. He would of turned away from it.
Yes, your blood still sang to him, but if he could of seen inside your mind, every little thought in your head, maybe he would of stayed away.
Maybe he wouldn't of felt that infatuation towards you that he was now feeling towards the blue eyed girl.
Of course, he denied it. He shrugged it off, saying that it meant nothing.
That it changed nothing.
But you weren't blind, and after spending over fifty years together you liked to believe that you were intuitive towards his shifting moods.
You noticed the way he stared at her across the cafeteria, as he had stared at you all those years ago.
You saw him talking to her, that Friday after school by her locker.
He had walked around the corner and bumped into her, knocking her books from her arms and profusely apologizing for doing so as he helped her up.
He made it seem like an accident, but you had seen him waiting for her around the corner.
She blushed and looked towards the ground, embarrassed at her klutziness.
Had you been clutzy? Yes, you had. He had told you so.
He also said that you had the most beautiful blush in the world.
Was it more beautiful than hers? By the way he had stared at the blue eyed human, you didn't believe so.
Never before had you wanted the ability to blush so badly.
Never before had you felt so inadequate.
Never before had you wished for tears so strongly.
Your relationship, your marriage, everything you thought you knew - it was all tearing apart at the seems.
The people you had come to recognize as your family noticed.
He noticed.
But it was almost as if it were destined. As if there was nothing you could do about it.
Three years passed and we went away to college. The blond eyed human became just that - nothing more than a human.
She was left behind, but she was never forgotten. The damage was done and the scars that it had left behind on your relationship would never fade.
As time progressed, and the years went by, you continued your trek through forever with him by your side.
He was your first love.
Your only love.
But not because your love for him was undying, or never ending, or eternal.
It was because you were a stupid, insipid teenage girl infatuated with a creature that should not exist.
It was because you gave up your human existence for a fairytale life that was destined for failure.
It was because of all of that, that you were struck with the realization so far down your path of forever, that-
Not all love lasts forever.