Trepidation, an inuyasha fanfic

Title: Trepidation

Author: Shun'u [shunu@fanfiction.net]

Series: Inuyasha

Genre: Romantic sap! (Songfic)

Rating: G

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and its characters and original storyline are the creation of/© Rumiko Takahashi, and © Shonen Sunday, Avex Mode, and subsequent parties. The song "All About Lovin' You" was written by Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora, Andreas Carlsson, and Desmond Child. It comes from the album "Bounce" and is © Bon Jovi, 2002. "Trepidation" is a fanfiction © Shun'u Hanashiro [h_shunu@hotmail.com].

Author's Note: Sorry! ^^; I simply could not resist writing this story after I heard the song… Please review! Let me know what you think. This is my first attempt at writing a songfic... But first of all, I hope that you enjoy the fanfic. Shun'u

October 2002

T R E P I D A T I O N

An Inuyasha Fanfiction

By Shun'u Hanashiro

[h_shunu@hotmail.com]

Looking at the pages of my life

Faded memories of me and you

Sitting high in the midst of thick, tangled branches, he could see the giant tree. Tonight it reminded him of the first time they met beneath its sheltering arms. The spell he had been under hadn't broken, hadn't so much as wavered in its strength and purpose, for half of a century. But on that day he had felt his heart beat. Not an instant later and he could taste, feel, hear, see, and smell again. The first memory he had after waking was of her. Scared and confused, and yet… she still exuded that alluring aura of undaunted courage. The courage that had driven her to remove the arrow in his chest and face him down even as he promised death.

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. The night air was damp after the rain. Typhoon season was at an end and Mother Nature was determined to wash away dry summer dust to make way for autumn leaves. Faded memories of them surfaced through the cool rain to lock onto his consciousness.

How odd.

He knew that he had lived before they met - hadn't actually had a very bad time until the very last. And yet… for the life of him, he couldn't remember anything good about it until her…

Had he lived at all until then?

Mistakes you know I've made a few

I took some shots and fell from time to time

He had torn up the village. Everything that happened to fall in his path had been destroyed without compunction. Then, he had been angry and hurt: betrayed. Now, it was a mistake. A terrible one that caused many to suffer and led to him being shot through with an enchanted arrow.

The fifty years of penance were a pittance to the children who grew up fatherless or motherless or, heaven help him, both. He did not begrudge them the fifty years of sleep. The villagers had grown to trust him through his tentative friendship with Kikyou, their beloved priestess; he had betrayed that trust as surely as he had felt Kikyou's arrow of betrayal.

Fallen from grace. Merciful sleep was the only escape he had.

Baby, you were there to pull me through

We've been around that block a time or two

She put her life on the line for him again. He was furious. Couldn't help it. What made her think that she could risk her welfare for his sake? What made her so foolishly brave? He didn't appreciate it. Didn't want it, damn her!

And it wasn't the first time she had done such a thing. When she had run between him and his brother, he had almost had a heart attack. Bearing only the rusty Tetsusaiga clutched in her small hands, she had stood up to Sesshoumaru and declared with all of the soulful conviction of a martyr saint that he, Inuyasha, would be victor.

That was only the beginning.

Time and again she would pull him through.

Such faith…

Such utter foolishness! But then, after the danger was past, and she was once again safe, he would take a moment to ponder. And if he had a mirror then he would have seen in those moments just how much happiness she brought him. It had been so long since anyone had shown him that they cared.

I'm gonna lay it on the line

Ask me how we've come this far

The answer's written in my eyes

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new

That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more

The most frightening thing of it all was that he was coming to depend on her. Her belief in him was helping him to believe in himself, and this made him fearful, so afraid.

If she were to ever look deeply into his eyes, she would be able to see everything that he tried to hide. Little did she know that every time he ducked his head or said a gruff word, it was to cover the fluttering of butterflies' wings in the pit of his stomach. Physical discomfort that said in no uncertain terms, "Hey! Wake up! She's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't let her slip away."

The distance that he placed between them never did help, though not from lack of trying. He would be unreasonable, hot-tempered, rude, anything it took to push her away. Sometimes it worked too well and she would leave him alone. But the relief he felt was only short-lived because every time he turned around he would see something new about her, something that would take his feelings higher than before… And there he would be. Trying everything within his power to recapture the attention that he had just moments before been disdainful of.

I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time

When I look at what my life's been comin' to

I'm all about lovin' you

At night he would watch over her. Oh, of course he always devised some pretense of not needing sleep. Sometimes he would stand guard over the entire ragtag group of misfits that was his family. Other times he would announce annoyingly that he wasn't weak like the rest of them. But these things were only marginally true.

In truth, he was avoiding the dreams.

Dreams of a lifetime spent together - dreams of happiness and laughter, of fighting and making up, of crying and comforting… He didn't want to dream; he didn't want to hope. Because if he hoped, then his hopes could shatter, and he didn't think that his heart was up to being broken a second time without being permanently damaged. There was only so much that it could take before it wouldn't beat anymore.

I've lived,

I've loved,

I've lost,

I've paid some dues

So instead of dreaming and hoping, and giving her a chance, he clung to the past. He held onto his old life, his old love, and his old losses with desperate arms. By not letting go, he pushed her away as surely as he pushed the future away. Let him live in the past. Let him wallow in his mistakes.

And baby, we've been to hell and back again

And through it all you're always my best friend

For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do

Tonight I'm gonna find a way

She kept giving him glances from the corners of her eyes.

Wondering.

Questioning.

But never once did she ask him why. Always one to respect privacy of others was she. Anyone else would have pestered or lectured him to death. She just kept a silent vigil on the nights when he would brood. Gave him a shoulder to lean on when he needed it. Let him be when what he needed was solitude.

And when he finally recovered from his private hell, she would give him that encouraging smile that was too beautiful to behold. He could never bring himself to talk about what bothered him, but for all the words he didn't say and all the things he didn't do, she never begrudged him.

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new

That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more

I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time

When I look at what my life's been comin' to

I'm all about lovin' you

It wasn't until she almost died that he saw what was before his eyes the entire time: she was his best friend, no doubt, but so much more than that as well…

She was the one who taught him patience. Not only because she forced him to take his time to explain things, but also through her actions did she set the example for him to follow.

And it was through her that he gained a family. If it weren't for her, the others would never have stayed. She was the heart of their family; the one that all of them loved; she was what drew everyone back to the village and Kaede's cottage after each of their quests.

Now, when he looked at her, what he saw was his future. It was something bright and new, and on shaky ground, but nevertheless it was there. Which was more than he could have said before she entered his life. Before their lives had been entwined by fate.

You can take this world away

You're everything I am

Just read the lines upon my face

I'm all about lovin' you

Understanding came to him on the night of the new moon when he was human and escaping his enemies by passing through the well to spend the dangerous evening in her time. It didn't matter that they were born five centuries apart. It didn't matter that their worlds were as different as night and day. She was everything.

On that evening he determined to tell her what he felt. But once again courage fled and he let the moment pass with feelings unvoiced. His only hope was that she would take a deeper look into his face and see what was written so plainly for anyone to see.

[END]

Author's Notes:

So? Don't tell me. Ugh. I messed up the songfic thingy, didn't I. Never wrote one of these before… *doleful eyes* Please don't flame me?

Hehe.

I warned you that it'd be sappy. *smirk* Bon Jovi has made me turn into mush for two decades now. Never fails.