A/N: OOC. AU. Big Time Rush is a rock band, not a boy band, living in NYC by themselves, not LA with Kendall's mom. They started the band in HS and got discovered the summer after their senior year, quickly rising to become one of the biggest rock bands around. Carlos is the drummer, Logan is on bass, James is backup guitar guitar, keyboard and vocals and Kendall is lead guitar and vocals. This story takes place after they've returned from a world tour promoting their third album. They're all roughly twenty-five in this fic.
James sighed heavily, debating the stupidity of what he was about to do before giving an internal shrug and swallowing down the whiskey with ease, relishing the familiar and comforting burn. Mixing Xanax and alcohol wasn`t the best idea if you wanted to remember your night, but luckily for James he had no intention of waking up with memories. That was kind of the point of drinking to forget.
It wasn`t that James had a problem with alcohol, or drugs for that matter. But every once in a while he felt the need for an escape, a way to forget about his actual addictions, his real problems. The ones he kept buried so deep that even his best friends and band mates hadn't a clue they existed. But if there was one thing James excelled at, it was pasting on a fake smile, tossing out some of his legendary charm, and hiding all of his pain behind the mask of the vain pretty boy. He'd played the part for so long that he almost believed it himself most days. Until he was alone again at least, with nothing but the dark thoughts to accompany him. The voices that never had anything nice to say, the ones that encouraged him to destroy himself, pointing out every flaw, every mistake.
"James! Believe it or not I'd like to shower at some point today," Kendall pounded the bathroom door for the tenth time, growing even more agitated with his roommate. He raised his fist to pound again but met only air as James chose that moment to come strolling out, flashing Kendall a thousand watt smile as he tugged the sleeves of his black thermal down further.
"All yours," He said, smiling innocently.
"Dick," Kendall muttered, shouldering past him and slamming the bathroom door.
The second the door shut behind Kendall James' smile vanished. Unless he was pretending for the benefit of those around him James couldn`t find much of a reason to smile and be happy anymore. The depression and self loathing settled around him like a thick fog anytime he was alone, choking him with the emptiness he felt inside. But James did what he always did, the only thing he really could do. Shoved the feelings down deep, refused to acknowledge their existence and played the role everyone expected of him.
It wasn't like he had anyone he could confide in. What was he supposed to say? I'm a member of one the biggest rock bands in the world, I have groupies throwing themselves at me night and day, I have more money than I know what to do with, and can get absolutely anything I want with a snap of my fingers, but I still hate myself and wish for death most days? Yeah, he'd just end up sounding like exactly what he was; a whiny, spoiled rockstar.
Heaving a weary sigh, James yanked on a pair of faded jeans over his boxer briefs, shed the thermal for a white tee, shrugged into his favorite worn, black leather jacket and shoved his feet into a pair of beat up motorcycle boots. Perching a pair of Aviator sunglasses on top of his perfectly styled hair he glanced in the full length mirror. He certainly looked the part of the cocky, playboy rockstar, regardless of the fact that he felt like anything but. He was ready to trudge through another day, once again being the only one who knew how much of a lie his image really was. He was a good enough of an actor that even his best friends believed this was who he truly was. And he planned to keep it that way.