Lydia Jane Shepard was a careful woman. Oh, you wouldn't think it, had you heard anything about her, but the impression created by myth and rumor is rarely a true measure of the real person.
She always carried extra medi-gel with her. Always wore her helmet and full armament when on a mission. She analyzed the battlefield and took up the position that would be most beneficial to the team. She took her time to line up her shots with precision and mercy. Every opportunity to scan for raw materials was taken advantage of, not because they were low, but if they had a chance upgrade their defenses or weaponry she wanted to make sure that the crew could implement the improvements immediately. Anything to give an edge to the people who choose to stand by her side. Who risked their lives for the greater good.
She knew the world was dangerous but that didn't mean that she hid from it. On the contrary, she threw herself at it. Not because she wasn't careful or unafraid. It was because more than anything she believed that everyone deserved a second chance. And she would make sure that the people who crossed her path would get it.
The only thing that Lydia ever took a chance on was people. If they threw away that chance she had no qualms about fixing the situation, but even then it came from a place of disappointment rather than anger. She hated to see potential wasted. Everyone had the potential to do good, it was such a shame to see so many turn to baser ways.
So, yes, despite the rumors, Lydia was a careful woman. And with nothing was she more careful than her heart. She liked to talk a big game, but it was more bluff than anything else. She was friendly and flirted, even let herself indulge in a night of dressing up and hanging out at the local club on occasion. It was amazing the change that could happen when she let her long locks down from their usual bun and put some effort into her make-up. She was essentially unrecognizable. Yet even this small indulgence was little more than a show, she would get tipsy on free drinks, maybe let a stray hand or talon get in a pet or two but would ultimately always end up back in her quarters, alone.
She'd almost had someone to share her life with once but had waited. After the mission, when things were safe, then she would relax and let herself fall. So Shepard kept Kaiden at arms length till there was nothing left of him but a radioactive crater and the bitter taste of wasted time. She was gravity well for danger and the likelihood of her surviving this mission was slim, anyone stupid enough to be with her would be caught up in that same fate. She wanted that closeness and connection again but just couldn't bring herself to do that to another person.
Still, she was tired of being alone.
That's how she ended up here, standing outside the elevator on the crew deck, staring at the angled juncture. She was trying to decide which way to turn, left or right. It was time to stop tiptoeing around the decision.
Looking towards the door of the life support systems room she knew that Thane would welcome her company. Would indulge her need for conversation and chase away the loneliness that clung to her soul. In many ways she was drawn to him. His spirituality intrigued her. Possibly a residual longing to understand something of what had happened to her. She couldn't remember it clearly but there had been something more than darkness and flashes of broken consciousness. If faded quickly in the pulse fire that followed but every once and a while her dreams would be filled with a golden-white glow and a sense of peace. If Ashley were here she would have gone to her talked about it. But Ashley had left her too.
She didn't quite buy the drell's disconnect between body and soul when it came to his work. She'd put enough bullets in people's heads to know that those nightmares stayed with you. They left a stain. But if his belief let him sleep at night and accept his coming end then it wasn't her place to impose her ideas or doubts. He just wanted some peace and time with his memories before the end. She didn't blame him.
Thane was the safe choice. She didn't have to worry about winning his soul, it was already taken. It was easy to see that his deceased wife occupied that place and she had no chance of even getting a toe hold into his heart. There was a comfort in knowing her place. Thane wouldn't be long in this world, mission or not, and so she could spend her time with him without contemplating a future that included him. Besides, if he did manage to come through all this craziness alive and she didn't, well to be remembered with such precision and fondness, even if just for a little while, was kinda beautiful.
She shifted, almost preparing to take a step, when laughter from the mess drew her attention. She knew that, beyond the ship's kitchen, he would be there in the battery, checking and rechecking to make sure the ship was ready for battle.
She smiled. In some ways Garrus was as careful as her, waiting for her orders, all the while calculating the odds and coming up with a way out should things go sour. If she could have only one person with her to go through that relay with, it would be him. And that's why she hesitated.
Garrus was a survivor. She thought he wasn't going to make it after Omega but he just strolled into the briefing room, med-film on half his face, cocky and ready to get back to work. If she had to lay bets she was pretty sure, if any of them made it out of this alive, he would be one. That was scary.
She also knew that the turian felt things deeply. He was professional when on the job, but he took things to heart. Loyalty was at his core. Heck, he wouldn't even let her buy him new armor to replace his bullet ridden cowl. Said it was a reminder of "All the people he didn't save." Omega was a waste pit and he still tried to help the few innocents that lived there.
That's not to say that he was perfect. He was flawed and passionate and almost took things too far sometimes. But Shepard knew that in the end he would make the right decision, that's why she didn't mind putting her head into his scope. She trusted him not to shoot.
Garrus was a dangerous choice, for them both. They could pretend that it was casual but she knew better. She could fall for him so easily, perhaps she already had. But what then? They could both die. Not the happiest of endings but it worked for Shakespeare. 'The Vakarian's Shepard' could be the next elcorian hit production. If either one survived without the other then it would just mean leaving a smoking crater in the other's life. But the most daunting aspect of all would be if they both made it back out the Omega 4 relay. What then?
Choosing the right path was definitely the most daunting. But Lydia hated to see potential wasted and everyone deserved a second chance. Even her. She'd made her calibrations, it was time to be more flexible.