I could already tell by the looks on their idiot faces that Toji and Kensuke were about to run my sanity by a cheese grater.

Looking at them, you might not realize how much trouble Kensuke's innocent smile spelled for me, or how much I dreaded that leer on Toji's face. But then, you've never, ever met my friends.

As for why they were my friends...you know, that's a really good question. I'm going to ask myself that every morning in the mirror from now on. Toji was the epitome of a jock, while Kensuke was in a class by himself in dweebhood. And yet neither of them got the mental signal I was trying my hardest to beam at them-"Stay the heck away from me!"

Because of their inhuman lack of tact (in terms of tact, I rank them way up there along with my pet cockatoo, who happens to scream the most unfortunate and friendship-comprimising naughty words at very inopportune moments), I was forced to let my two friends shamble their way towards my desk, looking for all the world like twin overjoyed schoolboys.

If I haven't emphasized this enough yet, that spelled serious trouble.

It's times like these that I wish I could pilot a giant robot and fight evil aliens, like people do on TV. Alas, I was not blessed with that kind of life, and all my free time was and ever shall be eaten up by the most reputable Kaji Detective Agency. Amen.

"What is it this time? Are we going to sled off your roof, Toji, or are we going to stalk Rei Ayanami all the way home?" I thought and still continue to think that it was a perfectly reasonable question under the circumstances. Toji and Kensuke, contrarily, looked at me like I had the plague and suggested that we play tag.

"Nah, man, we just got wind of our Cultural Festival event! And you better be ready with some TP, 'cuz you're guaranteed to scream like a little baby!" Toji sniggered. My enthusiam dropped to levels below zero percent.

"TP?" I asked.

"Toilet paper," Kensuke said nonchalantly. I personally felt as though he should be as chalant as possible, given what came next: "We're having a test of courage...in the graveyard!"

Let me explain. A test of courage traditionally happens when a group of people go through a scary obstacle course or maze of some sort, without showing signs of fright. Basically, it's the Eastern version of a haunted house, and if you scream, you lose.

It's no secret that our school is positioned happily next to a graveyard. But something else didn't add up.

"Don't tests of courage usually group people in pairs?"

"Well, yeah..." Toji was struggling to keep back a laugh as he answered me, and I was growing more nervous by the second.

"So, doesn't that mean one out of the three of us is going to be the odd man out?"

"Absolutely, Shinji, man..." Now they were both doing their worst at not grinning. "I'll just tell you this-that there list on the board? Your name's on there somewhere. And right beside it is your partner's." Toji and Kensuke shared an evil grin.

As it happened, I never needed to see this fabled list, as a certain orange-haired rival detective knocked me to the floor on my way there. Asuka turned from the list, saw me, and charged at me like a bull on steroids.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of bull...

"For Pete's sake, are you telling me you're my partner?!" As I rubbed my jaw and my hip, both of which had collided with a nearby desk, Asuka was staring me down with a glare that could destroy Tokyo-3. It took me a bit of time to process the words she had just said because of it.

Asuka glared at Toji and Kensuke, caught red-handed laughing. "You must be bullcrapping me right now!"

Talking through tears of laughter, Toji said, "We're-ahahahaha-not!"

All true, much to my and Asuka's dismay. Thankfully, our homeroom teacher walking into the room saved Toji from getting the snot beat out of him by Asuka. (Or maybe not so thankfully, because I'm not all that sure that I would have rooted against Asuka.)

Classes passed much too quickly the day before our school. I arrived home to see my roomatw, Kaworu, doing chores. I don't know if he knew this-he probably did, I wouldn't put it past him-but he was guilt-tripping me really hard.

"Hey, Shinji," he said from behind the lamp he was dusting. I waved in response, hoping and praying he wasn't going to feed me another mouthful about 'the agency'.

As luck would have it, he somehow managed to drag me to the agency anyway. How did I keep ending up there?

"I'm sorry we have to do this to you, Shinji," Ryoji Kaji said solemnly while Misato nodded equivocally. "But we've got another case on our hands-er, fins." Pen-Pen waved supportively from behind Mr. Kaji's desk.

"You see, we've gotten a request from the principal of your school, about your cultural festival." Okay, Kaji, you're making sense so far. Please, please don't say any more, and we'll be just fine-

"We've got our own suspicions about some people in your school, and of course we can't have them ruining your cultural festival! So, we'll need to guard your campus."

"That doesn't make it a case. That makes it a stakeout," I said drily. "And anyway, I'm supposed to be in the festival!" Honestly, I think Kaji was just suspicious of our rival detective agency. If that was the case (and it was likely), then he really needed a life. And my time was being wasted.

"But you're Pen-Pen's best assistant," Kaji whined. Both Misato and Pen-Pen nodded enthusiastically.

Kaworu, who hadn't spoken up yet, said: "I'll take Shinji's place. I'm not needed for the festival, and I'd be happy to help!" He smiled brightly, although I was almost certain he was trying his best to guilt trip me. Typical Kaworu-did he even know he was doing it?

Kaji didn't look the happiest about it, but he grunted and accepted. On one hand, I'd say this was great news. It meant I only had to deal with Asuka the next day, on the surface. But on the other hand, it'd be a day with Asuka spent being watched by a penguin and a creepy upperclassman.

"Excuse me, sir, can I get a green card to America? Yes, right out of the country, please," I muttered under my breath. Anywhere but here.

"What's that?" Kaji said.

"Um-I mean-I said, can I go to get...knee guards, for...uh, Asuka?"

"Who's Asuka? An interest of yours?" Misato said, instantly ready to needle.

Just needing to get away, I said, "Um, yeah. Sure." As long as I don't mention her last name, they probably won't know who it is.

"Also, she's Shinji's partner for their festival event," Kaworu said, nonchalantly. "And that rival detective, you know, Soryu."

Hey, can we stop with the nonchalantness here and just be chalant?