The alarm rang loudly throughout the RED team's base, a sound that was quickly replaced by the sound of the mercenaries groggily emerging from their slumber.
"Aw, man," said Scout, scratching his back and stretching, "I'm starting to regret having that victory party last night."
"You're telling me, mate," replied Sniper, pulling on his shoes, "I'd feel more awake if I were dead."
"Come on, ladies, this is no time for casual conversation," barked Soldier, already fully dressed, "You'll have plenty of time to wake yourselves up with sugary, caffeinated drinks at breakfast." Soldier led the rest of the men to the mess hall, where Demoman had already gotten himself a large plate of pancakes and a bottle of whiskey.
"Demoman," said Spy, sitting next to the Scotsman, "Please tell me you're not going to pour that whiskey on those pancakes."
"Excuse me," Demo responded, "Is this any different than the time you had us put cigarettes on your birthday cake instead of candles?"
Spy opened his mouth to protest, but he quickly shut it when he realized that Demo had a point.
"Aye, that's right. You best not be picking a fight, or else I'll get Heavy over there to-" As Demo pointed to Heavy, he saw that the large mercenary had fallen asleep, face down in his bowl of oatmeal, with Pyro trying to wake him up. "Uh…nevermind."
Suddenly, the sound of the mail truck pulling away could be heard from one of the windows of the mess hall.
"Well, it appears today's mail has arrived," Medic remarked.
"No kidding, Doc" Soldier quipped sarcastically, standing up, "Come on, Pyro, let's go grab those parcels."
Pyro shrugged and followed Soldier out of the mess hall, walking to the only mailbox, which was about 10 meters from the base. Soldier opened the mailbox and removed its contents.
"Let's see now," he said, "We've got a letter for Demoman, a package for Medic, and a long list of civil complaints for…..pretty much all of us." Pyro tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to a large crate about 20 feet away. Soldier walked to the crate and examined it.
"Weird. I don't remember the Announcer telling us about new equipment coming. Do you?" Pyro just shrugged. The team received large crates all the time, usually filled with weapons, and even hats if they were lucky, but they were always told beforehand. This crate came without warning, as did a loud banging noise from inside.
"Oh, I know what it is!" Soldier remarked, "They must have sent us a wild animal for us to use in target practice!"
Pyro looked at him and mumbled something that sounded like 'are you sure?'
"Do you have any other theories?!" Soldier snarled. The banging sound continued and the crate started shaking and fidgeting like Scout during a crying fit after seeing a rainbow. The two mercenaries stepped back cautiously. Finally, the lid of the crate was violently torn off, and out jumped one of the biggest lions Soldier and Pyro had ever seen. The lion glared at them and growled under his breath.
"See? Wild animal! Now all we have to do is get Heavy out here to knock him out so we can bring him to the target range!" The lion, not happy about this new development, let out a mighty roar that nearly knocked over the two men.
"Alright, O'Malley," Soldier roared back, "This is how it's gonna be! You better hope you remembered to pack your bullet-proof skin, because you are gonna be our new target dummy! Do I make myself clear?" The lion snarled and swiped at Soldier with a large paw. Soldier backed away and let out a less than manly yelp.
"If that's how it's gonna be," Soldier said, regaining his composure, "Then it looks like I'm gonna have to get the big guns. Pyro, you stay here and watch him while I go get Heavy." With that, Soldier ran back to the base as quickly as his legs would carry him, leaving Pyro with the lion. Pyro slowly looked back at the lion, whose deadly gaze was locked on him.
"Run," the lion simply stated. Not taking time to wonder how a lion could speak English, Pyro took his advice and quickly followed after Soldier. The lion watched them as they ran from him, taking note of their obvious cowardice.