I can barely focus enough to hear the speeches made by the council. So much has been sacrificed, both in the hunt for Saren and in the final battle between the Alliance and Sovereign, and yet it feels as if it's only the beginning. There is so much more that needs to be done as a direct result, and one thing in particular has been hanging in the back of my mind since Eden Prime. I manage to shake myself out of my thoughts long enough to give a satisfactory response to the council, thank them for the honors they've given me even though they feel useless, then Liara, Tali and I head back for the Presidium. We walk past the garden in the Tower reception area and I can't help but stop. "You all go on, I'll be along in a few minutes," I tell my friends.
"Are you alright Shepard?" Liara asks, concern in her voice.
"I'm fine Liara, thanks," I say. I don't want to try to explain. "Alright, we'll see you later Commander," Tali says, and she and Liara head for the elevator.
"Hey, you two have fun," I call after them with a smile. They wave to me and step into the elevator, leaving me alone. I loiter here in the garden for a few moments, finding myself wondering where the council has managed to find a rose so quickly, a red with the most perfect blooms I've ever seen no less. I am about to leave when I notice a bud nestled at the back of the bush completely out of sight from anyone not looking for it. It has a long sturdy stem, and will not be opening for several days, so long as it stays in a cool, dimly lit area the way it is now. I can't help touching it, caressing the tightly closed petals with the tips of my fingers before finally taking out my pocket tool and carefully cutting the blossom off the bush and slipping it into a long glass tube with a water chamber in the bottom. I meant to buy a flower from one of the businesses on the station, but this… It seems better somehow. Satisfied I leave the Citadel Tower and take the elevator down to the Presidium and pick up Tali and Liara on my way back to the Normandy. After napping for about an hour and a quick shower I finally make my way to the command deck and open the galaxy map, and for a few moments just stand there looking at it while trying and failing to find a good reason to talk myself out of doing this, although I can't find one. It's not long before I admit that Liara is right, I need to do this if I'm ever to move on. "Joker, plot a course to Eden Prime for me would you?" I ask.
"Uh, sure Commander," Joker says, "Mind if I ask what for?"
"There is something I need to do there," I tell him quietly.
"Alright," Joker answers, "Ready to hit the relay Commander."
"Thanks Joker, do it," I say. The ship's drive core whirrs, we make the jump through the relay and we're soon headed for the system. It takes a few days, but we finally come to the planet and drop out of FTL to rest in standard orbit around Eden Prime. I can't help but smile, feeling a little better as I notice that the rosebud has finally opened up. I carefully pick it up, making sure it's secure in its vase so I can carry it with me when I land on Eden Prime. "We're here commander," comes Joker's voice over the com, "Want me to send someone down with you?"
"No thanks Joker," I sigh, "I need to do this alone."
"And if there are Geth around?" he asks.
"I'll deal with them," I say.
"We shouldn't take chances Commander," Joker says, "I really think you should take someone with you, Lt. Alenko or hell, even Garrus or Wrex."
"I'll be fine Joker," I tell him with a slight laugh, "I'll radio if anything happens and you can send all three of them down if you want."
"Alright, alright," he gives in, "Normandy is in position, you're good to go Commander. Just be careful."
"I'm always careful," I joke, trying to make him feel better, "Thanks Joker, I'll be back soon." I close down the galaxy map and head for the airlock, and am reminded of the first time I'd seen Nihlus.
The Normandy had just picked up Nihlus Kyrik and I was heading for the bridge to talk with Joker when I met the Turian about halfway up the deck, and rather than ignoring or pretending not to see me the way I about half expected he'd do, he nodded and the mandible-like plates attached to either side of his lower jaw twitched in what I now realize was a smile. At the time though I was just confused, but I returned his nod anyway and then found myself turning to watch as he headed back down the deck toward the conference room. I ended up facing back the way I came up here before I finally came to my senses and turned back around as I came up beside Joker's chair.
I have to admit that, like Garrus, he had been more than a little bit attractive to me, although I can just imagine the political and social fallout if my attraction to Turians were to ever become common knowledge, and I'm sure reporters like Al-Jilani would have a field day with it. Besides that there's also Kaiden. He isn't normally the jealous type, but I am dating him and he does tend to be a little more defensive and protective when it comes to me. I don't really need him going off and losing his cool over a physical attraction I can't control any more than I can the weather.
As I step out of the airlock and onto the ground I also remember, with some amusement, how thoroughly surprised I was that it was Nihlus and not Ambassador Udina who recommended me as a candidate for the Spectres and it actually had taken me a while to wrap my head around the idea.
It only takes me a few minutes to realize that these few miles of Eden Prime are completely deserted now except for a few stray gas bags that miraculously weren't destroyed. Apparently after the epic scale of destruction the human government decided they shouldn't re-colonize the particular area until a much later date. For a while I am almost worried that I am the first to come back since my first run-in with Saren and his Geth, but as I come down to where our first little skirmish took place I feel better at seeing that someone came by and cleared away the debris and picked up Jenkins' body to ship him home. At least now I know that someone will have come back for Nihlus too. I still feel guilty over both of them. Jenkins was so young, this had been his first real combat mission and it cost him his life. It's still hard sometimes to walk past the young marine's empty post, but I suppose I feel somewhat better knowing that at least he and Nihlus didn't die for nothing.
I can't help thinking how odd it was how I came around to actually wanting to be a Spectre. If it had been a routine promotion or assignment I wouldn't have cared so very much. Granted I am a bit like Ash was, I hate politicians and it often feels like they were there for no other reason than to get in my way, make my job difficult and my life miserable, but on almost any other occasion I would have just shrugged and let them have their own way. The fact was that I never felt like they were insulting me, rather it felt like an insult to Nihlus, and that was what really got to me. He told me, at least twice and probably more, that he felt I was the right one for the job. I asked him once if he wouldn't feel more comfortable with a Turian or maybe an Asari, he surprised me with an abrupt and definite no and he proceeded to give me several reasons why. I couldn't help spending as much time with him as I thought he would tolerate after that and I felt as though Saren robbed me in more than one way when he murdered Nihlus. So when the council had begun questioning my nomination and allowing Saren to insinuate that the reasoning behind it had been flawed I couldn't help losing my temper, even going so far as to openly attack Saren, regardless of the lack of any solid evidence. They weren't pleased but somehow I still can't bring myself to feel sorry for what I said as I look down on the small shipping station from the top of the last hill trying to swallow the lump growing in my throat.
I start down the hill and I can't help but feel thankful that the place is deserted, it's quite enough that Liara knows how wounded I really am over losing Nihlus. I honestly do not think anyone else would be so understanding. Liara stumbled across that broken bit of me by accident on one of our frequent attempts at understanding my vision and the cipher, and I had to explain to her who Nihlus was. Even with Liara's help I still sometimes have a hard time not wishing I could trade the dock worker's life for his. It's probably a good thing that I can't do that, because as upset as I was at the time I probably would have done exactly that, even though it was selfish.
I sigh and shake my head to try and clear the thoughts, if Eden Prime can do this to me there is no way I can go back to Virmire. Ashley was the best human friend I've ever had, so losing her just made the hole I already had inside exponentially larger, and the letter to Ashley's family was the single most difficult and painful condolence letter I have ever had to write to anyone. I started it over about fifty times, and when I finally did get it finished I still never really felt that it was complete. Although, I have to admit that even if I had started it over one hundred times I still probably wouldn't have thought it was good enough, not for Ash.
On a battlefield or the command deck of a starship there are few things that the Commander Raven Shepard half of me cannot do, but when all the fighting is over and the time comes for grieving and rebuilding, I always find it difficult to let down the walls that insulate me inside and out long enough to even begin sorting out my own emotions and start moving on. Someone told me once, a long time ago, that when you hold things inside for too long and never take the time to sort them out it will only take one more thing to make it all come out at once. Before I always assumed it was just one of those things people say to make a point, but now I'm not so sure.
I sigh and hold the rose up to the late afternoon sun, admiring the color of the petals and the way the light makes the whole flower look as if it were lightly dusted with gold, before finally stepping onto the shipping platform. If anyone had asked me before, I would have said it was for the marine we lost here, but no one is going to ask and I can freely admit at least to myself that it isn't just for Jenkins, but it's for Nihlus and Ashley also. Jenkins, who was a constant inspiration to those around him, Ashley, who always had my back when things went wrong, and Nihlus, who for some reason believed in me even when I would never have believed in myself. I finally set the rose in its vase down on the platform where we found Nihlus, then placing a hand over my heart I drop to one knee and finally let out all the tears I've been holding back since the whole thing began.
Time is odd sometimes and I don't think I'll ever know really just how long I've been sitting here just letting the memories wash through as they will. Yet when the tears stop and I can finally see again, I soon realize that while there is still pain it's lessened and in the place of the crippling agony I've felt since Virmire there is peace, and I can't help but smile just a little as I close my eyes and bow my head before I stand and walk back to the Normandy.
The sun is setting as I walk toward the landing zone, and I get there just in time to see Kaiden, followed closely by Garrus and Wrex, stepping out of the ship and looking around, and when I get there all of their attention shifts to me. "Commander are you alright?" Kaiden asks, "When Joker finally told us you were alone we were worried."
"I'm fine Kaiden," I answer with a slight smile, "For the first time since leaving Virmire I really am alright." The others nod and step back inside, and as Kaiden holds me close and I lay my head down on his shoulder, I feel that although it will take time we can move on together.