Mass Defect

A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away… there was a land known as Mordor. In Mordor, in the fires of Mount DooM, Lord Sauron forged a Master Ring… One Ring to rule them all. Lord Sauron did not work alone however, as he had many friends.

Far above Mordor, in orbit of the planet Middlearth, the SSV2.5 Normandy drifted quietly. At its helm sat an Alliance man known as Joker, as well as an AI called EDI. As usual, the two were amidst an argument. Behind them and through the armory stood Commander Shepard. Shepard was the leader of this "Suicide Mission" to stop Sauron. To succeed, he assembled the best team from around the Multiverse.

First on his list was the Assassin. His name was Ezio Auditore d'Firenze. He was a talented Renaissance assassin previously in service of the Creed. He spoke with a strong Italian accent, and was easily confused by Shepard's technology.

Second was planned to be The Master Thief. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen events, Master Thief was killed while trying to return her to the Normandy. But in a stroke of luck, a green, armor-clad soldier stepped out of the bushes and offered to join the team. Ironically, he called himself Master Chief, and rarely spoke after that. He is able to take a beating and is a master of arms.

Third on the list was the Rainbow Officer. Serving as a Captain for the Rainbow Counter-Terrorist Group Logan Keller is an experienced soldier and commander. He loves helicopters and silencers and will certainly be of great assistance to Shepard's mission.

Keller brought along one of his Operatives named Gabriel Nowak. He is a likable, confident, rookie that constantly assures his team that he can be trusted.

Next is a rough-looking, angry, and truly immense soldier. He is listed as the Convict and goes by the name Marcus Fenix. He informed Shepard that his last name is not a misspelling and that it looks really cool. Shepard was not convinced, but allowed him on the team saying he reminded him of Krogan. Fenix's imprisonment was supposedly due to his cowardice in battle, and need to run to his daddy when a locust attacked his position. This leaves one to wonder how a bug could be so scary.

The sixth team mate was the Veteran. He said his name was Solid Snake, but Shepard doubted anyone would name their kid Solid. Snake is skilled, ruthless, and specializes in sneaking around with his silenced USP .45.

Then there was the Professor. Shepard found an old man in a lab named Professor Oak. He claimed to be a Pokemon master and an all-round genius. His white lab coat was all it took for Shepard to believe him.

The Warlord ended up being Soap Mactavish, a Scottish special forces officer formerly in command of TF141. His skills as a leader and a soldier are bound to be useful. He is also known to be able to summon AC130's if he gets an 11 kills streak.

One of the last on the list was the Ace. After a biotic Justicar could not be located for the job, TIM decided to give Shepard a replacement dossier. The Ace was a talking Fox known for his ability to fly an Arwing. Unfortunately, it is unconfirmed whether he can fly anything at Shepard's disposal, considering there was no way to get an Arwing on board. He was Starfox.

Finally, their was a dossier for Billie. This replaced one for Tali, after Tali was reaccepted into the Migrant Fleet and decided not to join Shepard. Billie has no combat skills, biotic ability, or tech specialization. He does have a guitar with a sniper rifle built into it, however aiming it can be difficult due to the lack of any sighting feature at all.

With Shepard's team assembled in the communications room, Shepard finally spoke.

"Hello. I am Commander Shepard. Some of us have been through a lot together… I've been with you on missions, I even did extra to convince some of you to join me. Now I will require you all for this mission. It will be hard, and we might not be coming back. In addition-"

"Dude, what? Might not be coming back? How long has that been a part of this?" Billie asked, rising from his seat.

"Uh, since I told you it was a Suicide Mission," Shepard said slowly.

"Oh… well then… As long as you do my loyalty mission I'll be good. Otherwise I'mma gonna make someone else die on the mission with me," Billie said.

"You're out of line Billie! Straighten up or you'll be gone!" Shepard yelled, gaining 2 Renegade points.

"Yeah, whatever," Billie said, sinking back into his seat.

"Anyway. In addition to the primary mission, I do plan to take each of you out on ONE personal favor. As Billie stated, they will be called Loyalty Missions, and after I help you with it, you have to be at 100 percent for the mission. Okay?"

The members of the team looked around, some nodding.

Soap raised his hand, "Hey boss. Can you remind me why we're working for Al Qaeda?"

"Well, after I was killed, Osama raised the funds to bring me back. He went under the name TIM, to disguise himself, then he hired a team of scientists and now I'm here."

"So, we are working for terrorists because they had the money to revive you? That's bloody fantastic," Soap said sarcastically. "Next mission after this is probably bombing the US, eh?"

"Well y'know… I once considered bombing the Eiffel Tower. I think I might like these guys," Billie admitted.

Snake stood up and approached Billie. He lifted him out of his seat by his shirt collar and stared angrily at him.

"You… You Terrorist! You REBEL! I kill the likes of you all the time," Snake roared.

Shepard glanced at his dialogue options and noticed that his Renegade was too low for the option siding with both.

"Arg… stupid dialogue options… Snake, put him down. I can't have my crew threatening each other."

"But sir, he's… he's a criminal," Snake pleaded, slowly lowering Billie.

Billie smiled and stuck his tongue out and flicked it around like a snake's in direct insult to Snake. Snake clenched his fist but returned to his seat.

"Now. Let's move on," Shepard continued.

"Hey Shep. When do we eat?" Marcus groaned. "I'm hungry… a lot of hungry."

"Not now Fenix, we're busy," Shepard answered, adding another two Renegade points.

"SHEPARD! Must feed! I'm getting angry! You won't like me when-" Marcus started.

"Marcus. Marcus, listen now. I'm just going to end this now. Everyone. Go eat, do what you want. Just don't kill each other. I'll pick two of you for a mission in a bit," Shepard announced, using a Paragon interrupt.

As everyone files out of the room, Shepard remains, thinking about his first conference with his "Great Team". When Osama asked if he thought the team building was working, Shepard had originally said "Yes", but he wasn't so sure it was staying that way.

"Its so hard to be a Renegade," Shepard mumbled to himself, thinking back to how he handled that last situation. "I could have told that fat chunk of meat to shut up and wait for me to finish through Renegade, but no. I just had to give in. The blue font is just so much prettier than the red."

Shepard pressed some keys and the table in the middle descended into the floor. He stepped forward and a holographic detector surround him. Suddenly, he saw himself in a dark bunker, with a picture of the sun on one wall. Osama Bin Laden sat in a chair wearing a foot tall turban and green, woodland camo. "Why does he always wear green in the desert?" Shepard wondered to himself.

"Shepard. I see you have assembled the entire team. Billie was the last of my dossiers. Are you ready for the mission?" Osama asked in a thick Arabian accent.

"Not yet. I still need to gain their loyalty so that I can get the No One Left Behind achievement for 125 G."

"Loyalty? Achievements? Survivors? Shepard, it's a suicide mission. I've spent five years as a suicide bomber, and not once did I concern myself with surviving. Its not how it works. And look how I turned out! More people know my name than the guy who invented the Internet! LOL!" Osama explained.

"I guess you're right. But still, they really want me to do Loyalty Missions. I promised them."

"I promised the Americans I'd give their Stinger Missiles back after the Afghan War, but I didn't do that! Learn from the pros Shepard."

"I can't betray them Osama! I just can't do it. I'll do your stupid suicide mission later!" Shepard yelled, gaining eight Paragon points and disconnecting.

"ROFL!" Osama yelled, falling out of his chair while his turban stays perfectly in place.

Shepard marched to the Normandy's Galaxy Map and plotted a course to Middlearth, even though they were already orbiting it, due to the fact that it was the only way to have the option to land.

The intercom opened up and Shepard thought about who to pick for his squad. He had to pick carefully, as he wasn't sure what he could find on the planet. He finally picked Starfox and Marcus to take ashore. As he hopped on the shuttle, EDI began the routine announcement.

"Commanding officer is now ashore. XO Pressly has the deck."

"Wait, Pressly? He died on the first Normandy! This doesn't make sense!" Shepard wailed as the shuttle descended toward Middlearth.

When the shuttle finally landed there was a small village on the side of a volcano. Marcus judged it safe to land, so the team landed on the Cliffside. The group hopped out and approached the townspeople. A short man on a horse approached the threesome.

"Hello," Shepard said.

"What business does a beast, a man, and a fox have in Kakariko?" the man asked.

"I'm a Spectre," Shepard said, hoping in vain that it would gain Renegade points.

"What is a UN Spectre doing in Middlearth?"

"Don't ask, don't tell," Shepard replied.

"Chief Darunia will not be happy. We thought you could destroy the King Dodongo, but instead, you confuse us with discord?"

A large brown boulder-like figure approached the party and then curled up, groaning.

"What the-" Shepard said.

"That is a Goron. They are native to Death Mountain."

"Death Mountain? Like Mount DooM but different?"

"Yes, exactly like that. But instead of a Ring, we have a key to the Temple of Time hidden in Fire Temple."

"Listen Pal, you and your Goron friend's should come up with more creative names than Death Mountain and Fire Temple. Geez, they are so generic," Shepard yelled, gaining four Renegade points.

The short man on a horse began to cry and the Goron unfolded only to let loose a horrendous scream.

"Oh no, what have I done. Why did I pick the Renegade option? Why! There isn't even a 'I'm sorry' option. Dang."

"Hey Shep! I know the Goron's Lullaby. Good thing you brought me. La la la la!" Fenix sang deeply.

Though the singing was atrocious, both the short man and the Goron ceased crying.

"You know the Lullaby? You must go see Darunia! He hasn't come out in weeks saying only the one who knows the lullaby can get in! He drove his own son up the wall… literally. He's spinning around the upper story, so watch out."

"Thanks. I should go," Shepard said, ending the conversation.

The party ran through the village toward the cliff. As they approached a gate, Shepard caught a glimpse of an ominous well. A passerby suddenly was pulled in by a shadowy hand.

"No!" Shepard called, running for the well. When he looked down, the well was empty, no sign of the civilian or the hand. "Hmm, Perhaps I am seeing things," he decided returning to the gate.