Contest: Twilight of Craigslist AD Contest (Part I)
Title: Beautiful Girl with the Baseball Bat
Pairing: Edward and Bella
Rating: M
Word Count (minus A/N and header): 551
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Beautiful Girl with the Baseball Bat (Port Angeles)
Date: 2011-11-12, 3:33AM MST
Reply to: imightbecrazytoo (at) yahoo (dot) com
It was just forty-seven long hours ago when I went to score some E and little pot in the shadiest part of town when I saw you in all your crazy ass glory.
Your long dark hair fell past your shoulders, your tight jeans and black sweater looked painted on and the black knee-high boots reminded me of a dominatrix. Only you held a baseball bat instead of a whip. You had the plumpest, prettiest lips that I pictured doing better things than screaming some of the dirtiest profanities I had ever heard; seriously you put me and my boys to shame. You were perfection.
I stared transfixed in in fascination while you smashed the fuck out of that 'no good dirty cheating muthafucka's' truck. You were probably too busy to really see the damage you inflicted on that poor truck, but all the windows were gone and so were the headlights; it was amazing for someone so small and fragile looking.
You told me to 'keep it fucking moving' as I adjusted myself when all I wanted to do was whisk you away before the sirens sounding in the distance arrived.
I'm not going to lie I was a little afraid of you and a few self-defense moves ran through my head, just in case.
But then a yellow Porsche drove up and yelled for you to get in.
And if watching in you in action wasn't enough for me to fall head over heels for you, it was when you walked past me into your getaway car and said 'sometimes I have a problem with my temper' then winked at me. I died right there. I wanted to ask you to marry me but you sped off before I could get down on one knee.
I was still standing in a daze with my hand on my manhood (I don't want to be explicit here as one day our children might read this) when the cruiser pulled up and asked what I saw. I told them about the crazy blond chick that sped off in a red BMW M3 convertible.
And when the police were gone, this tall, buff guy walked out and nearly cried at the sight of his fucked up truck. I knew it was your former cheating muthafucka and I needed to avenge you, as if you didn't do a good enough job on your own, so I charged his ass then beat the fuck outta him for hurting you. See the things I am willing to do for you?
My friends and mother say I'm crazy because you might be a little crazy but your ass in those jeans makes up for any potential mental conditions. I just need you to promise on my old man, but fly-as-fuck Volvo that you won't smash my shit and I'll also promise on my most prized possession not to 'fuck every bitch with a pussy' like your former boyfriend.
If this isn't a fairytale romance in the making I don't know what is.
Love,
Edward
P.S. I was the bronze-haired Adonis (that's what my mom calls me anyway) with the faded jeans that highlighted my hot ass, a black t-shirt that clung to my carved upper body and worn out size twelve black Converse.
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