"If I cry alone, am I like the tree falling in the forest?
The one that if there's no-one to hear it, then does it make a sound?
Does pain have a voice?
Or a shape, or a form?
And if it does, is it the shape of a tear drop?
And if a tear drops, where does it go?
Does it still exist?
And if pain has a voice, is it a sob, a cry in the dark?
And if I cry alone, then no-one will hear it.
And if no-one hears it.
Does it make a sound?"
The god awful sounds of my alarm clock woke me out of my sleep. Well I couldn't consider that as sleeping more like a half asleep trance. I shut the horrible thing off and buried my face in my off white pillow, inhaling in the scent of my pillow, and thanking whoever was out there that I washed it yesterday and it didn't smell like my hair (which I haven't washed in a week just to save shampoo). The clean scent smelled like lavender, and reminded me off the detergent my mom used to use when I was a kid and it lulled me back to dreamland, which for me can either be heaven or hell.
The scent of freshly baked Windbeutel floated throughout the house. The windows were open, and the pale yellow curtains were fluttering along with the cool breeze from the outside. "Eren" the gentle voice called out "Ready or not here I come."
You could hear bubbly giggles echoing through the house. The brunette women with her long hair pulled to one side shuffled throughout the house asking 'are you here?' and when she didn't find him she would search somewhere else. She walked into the kitchen,
"My little boy where are you? I can't seem to find you." The woman spoke sadly.
A wispy laugh could be heard from under the table.
"I wonder where my little boy is?" she sighed, mouth upturned into a soft smile.
The little boy with big green and turquoise eyes jumped out from under the table yelling "Here I am mama!" his mouth opened wide in a big grin, arms lifting up silently asking to be picked up. She answered his silent plea taking her baby boy into her arms and hugging him tight. "I though you left me!" she spoke kissing Eren's forehead.
"I will never leave you mama, I love you!" Eren said with eyes full of life.
"I would never leave you either liebling, I love you more than you would ever know" she whispered.
Eren smiled looking into his mother's hazel eyes. All of a sudden the dream changed and he was fourteen years old now, sitting in the living room waiting for his sister to come home. His eyes once full of life now dulled from seemingly never ending pain and sorrow. His stomach growled angrily since the last time he ate was a couple days ago. He heard footsteps up to the door, and the keys jingle and then slide into the keyhole.
"Mikasa, what did you pick up to eat?" he asked.
He was met with silence.
"Mikasa?" he tried again. 'Maybe she needs help with the food' he thought. He stood up and turned his body to go walk towards the door but before he could fully turn behind him the stench of alcohol met his nose before a fist did. He cried out falling to the floor, cupping his nose as blood started to flow out of it. His eyes widened looking up at the same eyes he saw when he looked in the mirror. The same eyes that he hated and feared. His father.
'He isn't supposed to be home today' he thought, automatically trying to distance himself from the man standing before him. His breath quickened almost to the point of hyperventilating. 'Please not again' was repeated like a mantra in his head. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to get his breathing under control, because he refused to show weakness to a man he once trusted. When he opened his eyes back up he saw his father's bloodshot eyes, probably from drinking and doing every drug under the sun.
"It's all yer fault ya piece a shit" he slurred, getting straight to the point. "Ya shouldn't have been born cause all ya do is waste space."
Eren just tried not to listen, but the words still hurt coming from his father. He wished he could just numb it out, but his heart was too stubborn to listen to his brain.
"No one loves ya, and no one ever will" he grunted out.
"Mom did" Eren whispered, not meeting his father's eyes.
"Whadya say?" he replied raising his voice.
"I said mom did" Eren spoke a little louder.
Eren looked up just as a full beer bottle crashed into his head making beer spray everywhere as he felt a hot flash of pain on the side of his head that made him see white. He sobbed out, clutching his head as he tried to crawl away slicing his knees and hand on the broken jagged glass littering the carpeted floor. While he was trying to crawl away he was kicked in his stomach and fell on his side heaving for air.
"Your mother never loved you!" he shrieked, repeatedly kicking Eren in the chest.
Eren just laid there trying to curl into a ball, feeling empty and alone.
'I wish it would all end'
I shot up out of bed, covered in sweat and panting. "They just won't go away, will they?" I muttered turning to look at his digital cloak it was 10:45. I turned away, and then turned back eyes widening.
"Shit, shit, shit!" I screamed flying out of bed and tripping on my blankets, crawling back to my feet. My first college class starts in five minutes, and I'm going to be fucking late. I jumped in the shower and took the shortest shower possible, I probably could've gotten myself into a greatest world's record book. I threw on some gray jeans with rips in both the knees, a plain white T-shirt, a black jacket, and a pair of all black converse.
I quickly brushed my teeth and didn't even to try to tame my chocolate colored hair which has now grown into my eyes. 'I should probably cut it soon' I pondered quickly as I rushed to grab my keys, and darted out my front door barely remembering to lock up. Since the college was close by I started running, everything thing went by in a blur. I went to go pull my phone out of my pocket to check how much time I had until class started but my hand grabbed nothing instead of my phone. "Fuck!" I screamed out while running, scaring people I was passing by.
It took me about five minutes of full out sprinting to get to my college campus. My first class of my college life, and I was late. Then again my first class was calculus. 'Why am I rushing so fast to get to calculus?' I thought, slowing down to a jog. I quickly walked my way down the hallway, and found the door to the calculus room. I took a deep breath, trying to relax myself. "You're free Eren, enjoy your college life" I whispered to myself before I turned the knob to the door and pushed.
I took a step inside, trying to be as quiet as possible to not interrupt the whole class. But of course I have the worst luck in the world today, so everyone turned their heads towards me like I was the most interesting thing in the world (I couldn't blame them though, I probably was in a class like this). The teacher cleared his throat, and the class slowly turned back to him.
"Finally decide to find your way to class?" the teacher glared.
"Sorry about that" I mumbled not wanting to piss the teacher off more, on the first day.
"Find a seat, and don't interrupt the class again."
I just nodded and sat in the closet row near me which happened to be next to a girl with her brown hair tied up into a ponytail sitting beside a shorter boy with a shaven head fighting to get what seemed to be the last potato chip in the bag. The boy ended up just smashing it in his hand and eating it crushed while the girl looked at him like he killed her first born child. Her face went from depressed to happy and she grabbed her bag and fumbled around at the inside until she finally found what she was looking for, and pulled out a something slightly mushed wrapped in foil.
She tore the foil of and there sat a potato. A fucking potato. 'Who the hell keeps a potato in their backpack' I thought, but that wasn't all. She pulled out a butter knife, a tub of butter, and container of sour cream and my jaw just about hit the floor. She started cutting it open and smearing it with butter and sour cream. She gave the boy sitting next to her a 'you wish you could have some of this' smile and took a huge bite.
"No fair Sasha, you should share!" he whispered
"You took the last chip from me!" the girl whose name I figured out was Sasha whispered back with her mouth full of potato answered.
He started to reach for the potato but Sasha bit his hand before he could get close.
"Give me some" he whispered again getting a little louder.
"No way in hell you last potato chip snatcher!" she said, shoving some more potato into her mouth.
I was trying hard not to laugh at their antics, but I let a giggle slip. They turned to me looking me over. I was shocked because the first thing out of the boy's mouth to me was a question.
"Don't you think she should split the potato with me?"
"Say no" she said from beside him, secretly putting some more of the potato in her mouth.
"Well I'd say yes, but she just ate the rest of it while you were asking at me if she should or not" I said smirking.
"She did what?" he turned around towards Sasha whose cheeks were bulging, and had a self-satisfied look on her face. "You should've given me the re-!" he was interrupted by a voice cutting him off.
"You brats are interrupting the class" My eyes went wide and I turned around to face the voice of the person who spoke to us.
My green eyes met the intense stormy grey ones. His skin was smooth and pale and had jet black hair with an undercut, I could tell he was short sitting down, but he was well built from what I could tell. 'You shouldn't be checking him out Eren, relationships are bad, and it's not like you could ever get someone like him' I thought negatively going back to my old mindset.
"If you can't seem to stop talking, you need to walk yourself to the office and opt out this class because I won't take your shit. The three of you will stay after class to get what you missed from the professor" he glared and looked at me again and then swiftly turned around and walked away.
"That was terrifying" Sasha whispered, eyes wide. The boy sitting next to her nodded.
"I forgot to tell you" the professor whose name I haven't learned yet spoke "This is the class TA Levi, who is an upperclassmen. He will be a big part of your learning experience so he deserves as much respect as a regular professor does."
Levi didn't say anything he just sat at his desk looking bored, and annoyed. The professor went back to telling us what we were going to learn, and probably more but I wasn't paying any attention to him. I kept glancing at Levi, curiosity getting the better of me. The class went on for a little while longer and then we were dismissed and all the students cleared out of the room but us three. We stood up and walked toward the professor and he recapped all that we missed (didn't pay attention to) and told us to listen better next time. Then he sent us on our way and that was that.
"My name is Connie by the way" the shaved headed boy said as we walked outside.
"I'm Sasha if you didn't know" she smiled.
"Nice to meet you guys, I'm Eren" I upturned my lips into a smile, but it may have come off as a grimace.
"We'll see you around Eren" Connie smiled, he turned around and Sasha held Connies hand as they walked away.
My eyes widened 'that's not what I was expecting' I thought. I turned around and bumped into ablonde who had his face in a book.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry" he stared up at me with big blue eyes.
"It's okay dude it's no proble-" I stared at him recognizing him late because it's been such a long time. "Armin is that you?"
His eyes widened in realization. "Eren!" he smiled eyes sparkled giving me a hug which I returned.
Armin was my best friend when I was a kid, I met him when he was being bullied for being smart so I kicked there asses. Instant friendship.
"I haven't seen you since-" he stopped, eyes wide.
"Its fine Armin" my smile turned sad but I covered it up quickly "yeah it's been awhile, what've you been up too?" trying to change the topic.
He started rambling enthusiasticly, and I listened. Forgetting about my next class. We were back in our same routine just like when we were kids.
"The guy I'm dating is throwing a huge party tonight. You should come Eren!"
"Wait" I stopped him "did you just say boyfriend?" I questioned smirking.
Armin blushed ten shades of red "Eren that's beside the point, are you coming to the party?" he looked up at me with puppy dog eyes. "Please say yes."
"Fine" I grumbled out.
"Yay!" Armin celebrated, "I'll pick you up later, so I'll need your number"
I gave him my number and we hugged again, he told me to dress nice, but nothing to nice that I would be mad if someone got beer on it. We said our goodbyes and parted ways. Seeing Armin again made me think of my childhood, and thinking of that hardly brings good memories. I shook away my thoughts and started walking to my next class. Thoughts straying back to those stormy gray eyes.