Chapter One: Pikachu has Issues
DISCLAIMER: We don't own Pikachu, Exploud, Absol or Delcatty. We do own the coat and hat though. We bought it fair and square.
Pikachu's ears twitched nervously as he entered the cold grey room. There was a short Pokemon, dressed in a brown coat and hat. All that was seen of his face were two eyes. Pikachu looked around nervously. "Is this Absol's building?" he asked.
"Yes, but he's out at the moment taking care of some unfinished business" replied a deep voice.
"Unfinished business...?"
"Yes, he ran out of Dr.Pepper."
"Oh" Pikachu felt more comfortable now that he knew the author wasn't a mass murderer or anything. The tall figure took off his cloak and hat and revealed itself to be an Exploud. Sparks were flying from Pikachu's cheeks. He blushed.
"Sorry. It's just that I expected to see a professional."
Exploud gritted his teeth and pointed to a seat. Pikachu sat down.
"Now, I do believe you wanted to get some things off your chest, am I right?"
Pikachu nodded.
"Right" Exploud sat down in the chair opposite, picking a notebook and pen out of his pocket. "Go ahead."
Pikachu cleared his throat.
"Well it all started when I was a wee lad..."
"Wait, your Scottish?"
"What? No, no, I was using it to effect."
"Oh, Carry on."
"...Thank you. My mother was a kind lady, always spending time with me, playing games with me. But when Dad came home it was nothing but trouble. 'Pikachu don't play with the plugs! Pikachu don't put your tail in the toaster!' And so on. One day he threw me out the house, saying that I was too much trouble. That's where it all started. I was walking along, listening to my Ppod when someone threw a ball at me..." Pikachu's eyes glazed over.
"Oh no," sighed Exploud, "I think we're about to go into a..."
FLASHBACK
Pikachu walked merrily through the tall grass. "What a fine day..." he said, trying to cheer himself up. Suddenly, from nowhere, a red and white ball came flying through the air. Before Pikachu could utter a scream, he was trapped inside the ball. "AAHHHH!" He thrashed his legs. "Help me!!" He found a crack in the ball and ran at it. He shot out of the ball and looked up to see a young trainer. Pikachu stood up on his hind legs, just to make sure this doofus understood every word he was a bout to scream. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU TWAT!"
The trainer just cocked his head. "You're an angry little critter aren't you?" He said sweetly.
"YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM!" Pickachu thrashed his legs wildly, electricity flashing from his cheeks. He would not, under any circumstances, let that giant, grinning asshole capture him.
Suddenly, a small voice echoed in Pikachu's head.
"Fight back!" it said. Pikachu looked up to see the trainer had a blue bat type thing. With huge ears. And an drooling mouth. Ew.
"Ah, you must be Pikachu!" it said. Oh damn. He could see it clearly now. A Zubat.
"Why yes I am," Pikachu replied, charging electricity.
"My trainer wants to capture you"
"I can see that."
"So I'm sorry if this hurts!" Zubat dived down with her jaws wide open. Pikachu dodged out of the way and fired out a thunder wave.
"HAHAHA! Take that bitch!" He happily shouted behind him. But then he saw a tall, elderly man.
"A pikachu? Hmm.…" He threw out a red and blue ball. Pikachu stopped smiling. His eyes widened. In fact, he fainted just at the sight of that ball...
END FLASHBACK
".. And then I blacked out... the last thing I remember is that ball hitting me on the head."
"Yes, your first Pokeball experience can be frightening. Has this ever been a problem ever again?"
"Well yes it has. I think I was taken back to Professor Oak's lab... I must have because I remember hearing Ash's mom and Oak having se..." Exploud held up a hand.
"Slow down a little... Ash? Professor Oak?"
"Oh right, I haven't told you yet have I? Well as I said I must have been taken back and one day there were lots of people..."
"Here we go aga..."
FLASHBACK
Pikachu craned what little neck he owned, and looked through the Pokeball. He had been awake for three days, every single one of them feeling more and more like a stretch in prison than a temporary home. Three straight days of swearing, cursing, flailing his arms and nothing.
He paced up and down inside his Pokeball, occasionally glancing at the line of losers queued up. Today was the first day for many trainers, and they were at the lab to pick up their first Pokemon. Urgh. One of these would become his new master. Pikachu tried charging into a crack to escape, but he couldn't. The man who had picked him up was called Professor Oak, the finest Professor in the country. Or the world, who knew. Pikachu sighed. It was his species prime mating season, and he was dying for some 'action'. The sparks coming from his cheeks had turned a bright Lilac.
"Try to get to sleep..." Pikachu told himself. And so he did...
END FLASHBACK
"That was a crap flashback" Exploud said. Pikachu glared angrily.
"I wasn't finished"
"Well you were. You fell asleep in the flashback. THE END. Happy ending right?"
"...When does Absol get back?"
"Why?"
"Because, well, the advert said she was a professional"
"He is"
"He?"
"Look I'm just as professional as Absol."
"I'm sure you are."
"Was that sarcastic?"
"Yes."
"Look, OK, I'll fetch Absol for you. He's not going to be happy. And neither will she."
"...What?"
Exploud got up and walked out of the room. Pikachu slumped back in his seat and sighed. Why couldn't he just get on with his flashback?
FLASHBACK
It wasn't until later that Pikachu woke up.
"Professor Oak! Professor Oak! I'm here I'm here!" he heard a young boy say.
Oh please. Oh Christ no. Anyone but this idiot. Pikachu hadn't even laid eyes on him, but the voice gave it all away. Young. Excitable. And as thick as two short planks.
"Shut the fuck up!" Pikachu said under his breath. He shut his eyes to go back to sleep but found he was being picked up. "What the Fuck?!?" He found himself being hurled through the air and being thrown out of the ball. He landed flat on his face.
"A Pikachu?" the trainer gasped.
"Yes Ash" said Oak ("So this retard is called Ash" Pikachu thought).
"But why?"
"Because you were too lazy to get off your fat ass this morning to come down here!"
"Hey shut up Old Man!"
"Don't speak to your fathe... umm... the elderly like that!" Pikachu got frustrated.
"PiiiiikaaaaachuUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" he shouted, jolting electricity from his cheeks. Ash fell to the floor, twitching.
"Umm, his electricity may be high because it's his mating season..." Oak added last minute.
"Gee, thanks Professor" Ash said sarcastically.
"This is going to be fun!" Pickachu giggled. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as he thought…
END FLASHBACK
Pikachu shook himself out of the flashback and saw he was in the presence of two pokemon. One was a cool, awesome, radical Absol named Jimzy...
(A/N: At this point, Emmy bashed Jimzy over the head for over Sue-ifying himself.)
Pikachu shook himself out of the flashback and saw he was in the presence of two pokemon. One was an Absol, and the other was a Delcatty. They both stared at Pikachu. Pikachu stared back.
"Ah yes!" Said Exploud from somewhere behind them. "This is Absol and Delcatty, the psychiatrists I was…um…filling in for."
"Pleased to meet you" smiled Delcatty. "I would very much like to see what happens next in your flashback, would you mind?"
"Not at all" Pikachu said. His eyes glazed over again.
"I hate Flashbacks" Absol grumbled.
"Me too" said Exploud "They always cut you off don't the..."
FLASHBACK
"WHY WON'T YOU GET INTO YOUR POKEBALL?!" Ash leered at Pikachu
"WHY DON'T YOU ASK FUCKING NICELY?!" Pikachu screamed back, but, of course, all Ash heard was "PIKA PIIIIII?!"
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOUR SAYING!"
"Ash deeeear!" Delia, Ash's mom, shouted up the stairs "I need you to fetch me something from the Pokemart in Viridian City!"
"Ok mom!" Ash gave Pikachu an angry glare "Your coming with me. Maybe I can find a way to get you in your Pokeball…"
"Maybe I can try to electrocute your Pokeballs" Pikachu muttered.
So Ash and little electric rat traveled to Viridian. Pikachu was saddled to the back of Ash's bike, sulking. As the houses blurred past them, Pikachu watched lazily as Professor Oak attempted to scramble through Delia's front window. Pikachu sighed, turned over and tried to sleep, but couldn't. He looked up irritably, and the noise quickly became apparent.
Spearows.
As they progressed down the road the noise got worse It seemed that even Ash, (whom Pikachu had learned very quickly had the attention span of a knat) was getting irritated. So irritated, in fact, that he chucked a nearby stone at them.
Bad Move.
They whooshed into the wheels, knocking Ash off his seat and onto the hard ground.
"SERVES YOU RIGHT!" Pikachu squealed triumphantly. He then turned to the Spearow.
"Hey could one of you untie me?" he asked. They just laughed. Hard. Then they began to peck Pikachu. And then attack him. Crap. Pikachu managed to struggle free. He jumped right up into the air and used Thunderbolt. It must have worked, as the Spearows gave an ear-splitting caw and flew off. Ash got up and looked at Pikachu.
"You... you saved me!" he gasped. Then, he yanked Pikachu off of the ground and squeezed him in what must have been a bizarre attempt at a hug.
"Hey... You're suffocating me!" Pikachu yelped. Jesus, Ash really was an idiot. A well-timed thunderbolt ought to put him in his place…
END FLASHBACK
"So, you saved him?" Asked Delcatty.
"Well yeah, sort of" Pikachu replied. "The last thing I remember was him falling to the floor, twitching, after I zapped him."
"Then do you have feelings for this trainer?" Absol inquired mildly, shuffling his notes.
"...What?"
"Well it was your mating season" Delcatty stated simply. "And the feelings that you had for this Ash made you save him."
"WHAT?!?!?!?" Pikachu's mouth fell open. "ARE YOU SAYING I'M GAY?!?"
"Well..." Absol began.
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!" Pikachu hopped off his chair and walked towards the door.
"Wait!"
"No, I don't want to hear whatever you have to say!" Pikachu slammed the door shut. Delcatty looked at Absol.
"He was definitely gay," said Delcatty, sitting at her desk and flicking through some files.
"Definitely." Absol replied. Pikachu stormed back in the room.
"I left my handbag" he stated, picking up his handbag and leaving. Absol looked at Delcatty and Delcatty looked back. They shrugged and continued to look through files.
"Ok, who do we have next..."Absol drew out a file. "Ah, here we go... Butterfree please?"